Rescinding Getaway Invitations, Staking Unwanted Yard Signs, Choosing the Right Stationery, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is, quote, "I have a combination etiquette and dating question for you. I've been seeing a man for about two months, and he invited me on a four-day trip over a holiday weekend. I told him I had two prior commitments that I would work on moving and would let him know. The trip was three weeks away when he asked. Two days later, I updated him and was able to clear up my schedule and I was free to go on the trip with him. But he let me know that he had already invited a friend and apologized, but was not willing to uninvite his friend. I feel the correct etiquette here would be for him to explain the misunderstanding to his friend as he had previously invited me and didn't follow up with me before inviting someone else. Is this correct, or am I just extra upset because I had to move commitments to make this work? I'm considering ending our whole connection over this, which is unfortunate because he meets my needs in a lot of other ways. I would love your unbiased opinion."

Leah: This is one of those questions where I wish we had this person here so I could just do a few follow-ups.

Nick: Okay. What would your follow-ups be?

Leah: Well, when they say this person meets their needs in all these other ways, I want to know has there been little inklings of this kind of behavior?

Nick: Yeah, that's on my list, too. Is this a one-off or is this a pattern?

Leah: Because we give everybody a one-off.

Nick: Uh ...

Leah: Not everybody.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Somebody we've been dating, somebody we've been seeing for two months, and we get a lot of other good things from them.

Nick: Right. Yes. Yes, would we want to make this be relationship-ending if this was a one-off, one-time thing, a momentary lapse?

Leah: I would also say, let's take the word "extra" out. They wrote, "Am I just extra upset because I had to move commitments?" I'm upset because I had to move commitments. That's upsetting. You moved commitments, you got back in a very short amount of time, and they already invited somebody else. Like, what?

Nick: Yeah, that's, I find confusing. So, like, you invite me to this long weekend. How nice! And I'm like, "Hey, I have some other things, but let me see if I can move it." And then two days later I'm like, "Okay, I moved it." And then you already in that window, those 48 hours, invited somebody else. And it's sort of like, is that the story? Is that really what happened? Like what—what miscommunication happened here?

Leah: Yeah. I feel like something—like, did they not get you were moving things?

Nick: Right. Did they think you're, like, "Oh, let me get back to you with a no?" Or do they think that by not getting back to them within two days, that was a no? Like, and they didn't follow up with you, check in one more time, which is like, "Hey, just want to check in before I invite Sally."

Leah: Or had they really asked this person before?

Nick: Oh! Ooh, what?

Leah: And then that person was like, "No, I can't do it." And then they were like, "I'm gonna invite this new person I'm dating." And then their friend came back and they were like, "I can do it."

Nick: Oh!

Leah: And then they didn't want to say to you "You were actually my second choice," because they didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: Not second choice, but I'd already had, like, a friend weekend planned.

Nick: Right. So I invited this friend, they couldn't do it. I invited you, friend got back to me that two-day window, and I was like, okay, I guess you can go. And then because you hadn't said yes yet, you were out of the running. Oh, Leah! Diabolical!

Leah: Well, I feel like I've been listening to the past couple episodes, and I keep saying "not all men." And I don't know.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: But here I go again. I do feel sometimes some men ...

Nick: This is plausible for men, yeah.

Leah: They think that the simpler answer is going to be less upsetting than what the full truth was, which is, "I thought it was a friend's weekend, they said they couldn't make it, so I invited you because that would be fun, too. But then they came back."

Nick: Right.

Leah: They think that the better story is, "Oh, I didn't realize, and I invited you." Which is not the better story. That's like, what? You didn't realize I was making changes for you?

Nick: Yeah. So from an etiquette perspective, yes, I think we do need to give somebody a little more time to respond, at least to check in with them first before, like, going to the next person on your list. I think etiquette would require this gentleman to have checked in with you before issuing another invitation, especially given how little time had passed.

Leah: It's almost no time.

Nick: It's zero time. Yeah. Two days to move commitments? I mean, what are we doing? And so that's an etiquette thing.

Leah: And then that sentence, "I'm considering ending our whole connection over this." I know we're not a dating show, but you know I live for these questions, Nick.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, can we just be a dating show, Leah?

Leah: I would love to be a dating show.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: I would love to be a dating show. I will say that's why I want to hear the fuller picture, because I have ended connections over significantly less.

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: But because I felt it spoke to a broader issue.

Nick: Right. Is this a character problem. Right. Is this saying something about this person's level of honesty, or how forthcoming they are, or how they regard your feelings, and how they care about you—or not care about you.

Leah: Or more how they regard your time. You rescheduled two things.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, for me actually, that's the thing that bothers me the most is that, like, I rarely reschedule things. I don't like moving things around. Once it's on the calendar, that's it. And so to make me do that and then to be like, "Oh, never mind," that definitely hits hard for me. So I guess yeah, one of the follow-up questions is how apologetic was he?

Leah: It feels to me like he's actually not apologetic.

Nick: Yeah, I'm not getting a huge sense of apology here. It's definitely not part of this letter.

Leah: So I feel like you could say, "Hey, I'm a little put off."

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: "Because I did move these things, and you didn't give me ample time to do it. And then there was no follow-up about making it better or why that happened. And that feels weird to me."

Nick: Yes. And I guess I would wanna know, like, in his brain, did he think inviting somebody in that window was appropriate? Was the amount of time I needed unreasonable to him? Was the expectation that I was gonna get back to him in 24 hours, 12 hours? What did he think was supposed to happen?

Leah: Yes. And then when you have all the—just say, "I want to understand." And then when you understand, then decide.

Nick: Right. Yeah, I think I need to know how we arrived at this, and then based on that, I think that will inform whether or not this is a relationship that's a good fit for you.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: But if I had to guess? I don't know.

Leah: Yeah, that would drive me crazy.

Nick: I don't know.

Leah: Did I move things?

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. And also, a four-day weekend holiday trip, and now you invite somebody else? I don't love that, just optically.

Leah: Well, at first I thought they meant that now the three of you were going.

Nick: Oh! Oh, I don't have that meaning.

Leah: No. And then I was like, "Oh, no, no. You've just been swapped out."

Nick: Yeah. No, you've been replaced. Yeah, you've been recast.

Leah: Let me say the thing that I left somebody for. I mean, we weren't together long enough for it to be a thing, but I mean ...

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I was very busy. It's when I was just starting comedy and I was, like, really into it and I, like, got a second job to work at a club. And we went out and he looked at me and he said, "You know, I feel like, you know, you're so busy, I've forgotten what you look like." And the way he said it, I just saw years of him making me feel bad for doing what I wanted to do and spending time on my dreams. And it was a simple thing he said, but it was the way it was said, and it was, like, in the middle of me being excited about something else. And I was like, this speaks to something bigger. We are done.

Nick: Okay. Yeah. I mean, I could see how if that was what your life was gonna be like being with somebody who did not support you and your dreams, and was resentful that you were busy sometimes.

Leah: Yeah. It's like, we're just starting dating and you're already—and it wasn't said in a funny way. You know, when people are like, "Oh my God, I forgot what you look like." You know what I mean? It was not said like that. I was like, "I can't. I'm—we're—I'm bouncing early."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think dating is all about finding somebody who's on the same page as you and has similar values as you do. And so if you value scheduling and time in a certain way, I think a question is does this person as well? And we've also often said it's never the crime, it's the cover-up. So I'm very interested in how this is being made up to you. How bad does he feel about this? And depending on that, I think that's really the answer.

Leah: It really is, because I do feel like in communication, it's so often being like, I want to understand how you arrived at this.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then I can better understand what this means to me.

Nick: So letter-writer, please let us know!

Leah: Please keep us posted.

Nick: And I guess if you get engaged, let us know. Let us know.

Leah: Or if you get engaged to his best friend because the three of you end up going away, and then you recognize that his best friend respects your calendar.

Nick: Oh, that's the meet cute I'm looking for.

Leah: That's a fun one.

Nick: That's a fun one. Okay. Well, letter-writer, keep us posted. So our next question is, quote, "I have dear friends who live a couple of hours away. I spend the weekend with them every two months or so. They are the best hosts ever: the bed is comfortable, they cook all the meals, et cetera. Most times I visit, we go out for at least one meal. Against their will, I pay for the meal as I feel it's only fair and right. I don't want to be a leech, but the man of the couple is always deeply offended. We all have the means to pay for the meal, so it's not a sacrifice on anybody's side. Do I have the obligation to let him pay because he feels like he should?"

Leah: I thought this was a great question.

Nick: Yeah, it's a good question. Yeah.

Leah: I too have faced this scenario.

Nick: Okay. What happened?

Leah: So I was staying with some friends and they were, I mean, spoiling me. I was spoiled!

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: And then we went out for dinner. And I wanted to pay, and I realized he was actually offended.

Nick: And, like, actually offended, or just like performatively offended?

Leah: Not performatively. Like, he was like—and I really—I realized it really spoke to his feeling of what being a host was.

Nick: Okay, true. Yeah.

Leah: And I just wanted to make sure they knew that I was grateful.

Nick: Right.

Leah: And that I also wanted to treat them. But at the same time, for him, this is what that meant. He wanted to host and it was past, like, him being, "Oh no." It was like, he was like, "I wanted to take you out," you know?

Nick: Yeah. Yes, I think for some hosts, they do feel like the hosting duties extend to, like, your entire stay.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: All aspects, including the dinner. And so that is what is happening here. Now I think for a lot of other people, the idea is when I'm a house guest, I do something for you at least one night. This is very common, at least in the United States. Like, I'll take you out for dinner one night. I'll buy groceries. I'll do a meal in. Like, I'll do something as the guest. But I guess that's not what this host wants.

Leah: Yeah, because I do think it's a very regular thing where, oh, let me cook you dinner, let me bring you to something.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But I think if our host makes it very clear that that's not how they see hosting, then we can just do something—we can say, "Oh, I wanted to—just wanted to pay to show you how grateful I am." And then moving forward, we do something else.

Nick: Yes. We have to find some other strategy for expressing gratitude. So maybe that's like you show up to their house with some nice gift for the house that you know they'd like, or a real good gift basket, you know, that you send them after you leave.

Leah: Yeah. And I mean, you could even say, "If it makes you uncomfortable, you know, I want to take you out to dinner, but I appreciate that you love—you want to host. So I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it."

Nick: Yeah. And I do think you are conveying the sense that you do appreciate their hospitality. So I don't think that you're being a leech here.

Leah: Yeah, a leech—I do not think at all that they think that you're a leech.

Nick: Yeah, I'm not getting that vibe, so I wouldn't worry about that. So one thought I did have, which I think is probably a bad idea, but if you really wanted to take them out to dinner, you could arrange to do the payment with the restaurant before you get there so that they have no choice. But that might be a little provocative if you've got a host that, like, would actually be offended by that.

Leah: I think she did pay and that's what happened.

Nick: Oh, you think the payment actually went through?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: The card cleared?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: With this person I wouldn't pay. I think it makes them feel like less of a host.

Nick: Yeah, so I guess get the free dinner.

Leah: Enjoy it! They love hosting you because you're not a leech and you're a great friend.

Nick: Boom! So our next question is, quote, "I have a conundrum. My boyfriend Chad asked me a few months ago to be his plus one for his friend's wedding. For context, Chad and I have been dating for a few years. I said yes, but then found out later, like months later, that he is in the wedding party. This would be fine if I knew anybody, but I know exactly three people, all of whom I met only once for an afternoon for literally less than five hours. For additional context, this wedding is within reasonable driving distance and I could drive back and forth comfortably in one day. Am I wrong for wanting to back out of being a plus one after the situation has changed? Or should I suck it up quite literally at the open bar while he is off doing wedding party activities?"

Leah: Wow! I hate to say something I said two questions ago.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. However?

Leah: However, I do think this is a thing that happens sometimes.

Nick: Which part? That somebody forgets to mention something important?

Leah: Where guys are like—guys are like, "Oh, I didn't bring that. Oh, you're like, "Oh, you're in the wedding party?" And they're like, "Yeah." And you're like, "You didn't bring that part up." And you're like, "Uh."

Nick: Yeah, that was my first thought, which is like, yeah, he just didn't think it was important to bring up.

Leah: Yeah, he did. Because to him, he's like, yeah, I'm in the whatever.

Nick: So that's definitely what happened here. And you've been dating Chad for long enough that you know this is Chad's deal.

Leah: Well, I think they know that, and that's where they're like, "Do I even have to go now?"

Nick: Yeah. So, like, did the situation change?

Leah: The situation for you changed.

Nick: Yeah, the awareness changed. But yeah, Chad didn't get into the wedding party after the wedding invitation came out.

Leah: No.

Nick: That's not the order of operations there. But yeah, can you back out?

Leah: I mean, you could, but I think you could also just go.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, the bar to backing out of any event is usually pretty high. It's very high for a wedding. Like, that's kind of the highest bar. And so I think you gotta go. I do think you should go.

Leah: My thought when I read it was you should go.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But I like to say if you're, like, really mad because this person doesn't give you details, that's on him. He has to tell them she's canceling because I didn't mention that we have all these other responsibilities.

Nick: Yeah. And on some level that would be fair.

Leah: But I mean, I feel like then that gets transferred over to the bride and groom.

Nick: Right. And of course, that's not the story that Chad's gonna be passing along.

Leah: That's not the story that Chad's not telling. I just think you should go and just ...

Nick: Well, here's the thing with the wedding party thing. The wedding party responsibilities are really front-loaded at a wedding. So Chad's responsibilities are gonna be while the groom is getting ready and then for that cocktail hour. So if this is a typical American wedding where we do the ceremony and then those people disappear for an hour and a half to do photos while the rest of us sip on drinks, then that's the window of time where you being solo, I think that's where it's hitting hard for you. And so it's about figuring out what to do during that hour and a half. Because, like, once that's done, Chad's back. He's seated next to you. Dinner's happening. Like, regular wedding is happening. And other than a toast, like, I can't imagine Chad has any other, like, major responsibilities.

Leah: I can't imagine either. I also feel like you could say, "Hey Chad, you know, this makes it so I'm alone a lot. I don't know anybody. Could you please introduce me to some people when we get there so I'm not just left?"

Nick: Yeah, that's great. Yeah. Hook me up with somebody specific who I can, like, partner with during the cocktail hour. Or I was thinking, you drove here, go to your car for an hour and a half. Just disappear. Like you don't have to be in the cocktail party, just leave the party, hang out in the car.

Leah: I was thinking, can you listen to an audiobook somewhere privately?

Nick: Or our podcast? Sure! We can get you through 90 minutes, no problem.

Leah: Or our podcast.

Nick: Absolutely. Yeah, I think you're not obligated to just, like, make small talk at the cocktail party if you don't want to. I think I would totally give you permission to sort of, like, duck out for that.

Leah: I think this is the perfect compromise. You go, you duck out.

Nick: Yeah, I think that's fair. And would anybody have a problem with that? Not really. On the flip side, there is something to be said for doing things for our partners that we don't want to do. And you've been dating this person for long enough that, like, you're a partner. This is not casual at this point. And, like, this is Chad's good friend, clearly, if he's in the wedding party. And it's their big day, and you kind of go and you support Chad and those friends and you tough it out. And yeah, it's not gonna be the most fun thing ever, but tough it out.

Leah: Oh, I completely understand doing things I don't want to do for my partner.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: And I think my partner completely understands doing things they don't want to do. The difference here is I was not asked. It was glazed over.

Nick: Yeah, true.

Leah: And then it was brought up later casually.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: So you could say to Chad, "Hey, you know, the situation has changed for me. So could you ask me—could you realize that now I'm doing you a favor because I'm gonna be alone a lot, and just ask me in a way where you acknowledge that it's a different scenario?"

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that's not the etiquette question, that's the relationship question.

Leah: Well, I mean, since we started this episode out on that ...

Nick: I know, this is the whole ...

Leah: I think that our letter-writer would feel different about it if it was presented as, "Hey, I'm in the party and you're gonna have to be alone, but can we please go?" You know what I mean? Because then you're like, I've agreed to what the situation is, I'm doing this for my relationship.

Nick: Yeah. And I guess it is an etiquette crime to do a bait and switch.

Leah: It's a bait and switch!

Nick: You change the terms of the invitation after the fact.

Leah: It is!

Nick: Like, if you invited me to a dinner party and now it's turned into a cocktail party for 900, like, that's a different thing. I didn't sign up for that.

Leah: Yeah. And things can happen, but I want to be spoken to about it as if you recognize that you have changed the dynamics of the situation.

Nick: And Chad should know that you don't love being abandoned for an hour and a half at a wedding where you don't know anybody, and should be sensitive to that. And so yes, he should try to make an effort to, like, make that work for you.

Leah: I feel like we really covered this one.

Nick: Yeah, sure did. So let us know how the event is.

Leah: Two dating questions in one? I'm thrilled.

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "A man who is a friend of my in-laws and also belongs to my church is running for state legislature. He was canvassing in my neighborhood and knocked on my door one day and gave me a flyer, and he asked if he could put a sign in our front yard in a few weeks when they were printed. We live on a well-trafficked road and have a visible yard. I don't agree with him politically and don't belong to his political party, but he probably assumes I do because of my in-laws and many people in our community. I'd said I'd think about it, but I thought he would just interpret that as a no. Yesterday I came home to his sign staked in many of the yards on my street—including mine. I immediately took it down. Do I need to say anything to him or return his sign? I don't know him very well personally, but see him and his wife often as they live nearby and will surely notice the sign is missing from our yard."

Leah: Well, first up, politics, not politics, we never put something on somebody else's lawn!

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that's trespassing no matter how you slice it. Yeah.

Leah: And I mean, they knew. They knew.

Nick: Yeah, it's pretty shameless.

Leah: It's shameless.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I appreciate the moxie, I guess. If you're so willing to sort of like do what it takes to get it done then, like, maybe you'll be good in your role. If you get elected. So, okay.

Leah: [laughs] Do what it takes to get it done. Like, not following what people want and bulldozing. You'll be great in politics. You'll be great in politics.

Nick: Actually, I think you'll be very successful. Yes.

Leah: I wish—this was another one where I wish I could ask a follow-up, because I want to know does our letter-writer want to return it to them and say something, or are they just hoping they could just take it down and move on?

Nick: I think our letter-writer doesn't want to have to say anything. But I think because this is a close-knit community and we're gonna see them again, they're gonna notice that this person is a friend of my in-laws—in-laws, key detail. Let's go back to that. I think he's wanting just to make this go away in a way that doesn't cause more drama.

Leah: A) I just want to say it's very rude to put up a political sign on your ...

Nick: Oh, so rude.

Leah: So rude. I'm glad that you immediately grabbed it down because it's so rude.

Nick: And even if you did agree with it, like, not everybody wants political signs in their yard. Not everybody wants that.

Leah: I personally—I would take the sign and then not bring it up. I mean, they know I didn't agree. And then if they want to come to me and say, "I noticed you took it down," you'd be like, "Yeah, I actually—I'm in a different political party."

Nick: Oh, I don't think you even have to say that. I think you could just say, like, "We don't do political advertising on our lawn."

Leah: Yeah, but we may, and we may put up a completely different candidate.

Nick: Oh yeah, I guess we would wanna reserve the right. Yeah.

Leah: I mean, I feel—because that was my original thought, but then I was like, that's not true. It's just that this person asked and we were like—we did the polite thing, which was like, "Oh, let me think about it." You know what I mean? And then they overstepped.

Nick: I guess if you were directly confronted, you could say something along the lines of, like, "Oh, when I said I'd think about it, I should have been more direct. Unfortunately, we're not able to put your sign in our yard." I don't think you have to explain why. I think that's just what it is. So maybe that's the move here.

Leah: I like that very much, because when I wrote down a different political party, I thought I shouldn't have to explain that. It's not their business. But then I was thinking, what am I gonna say though if they're so bold as to come and ask me why I took it down?

Nick: Yes. Or it may get back to you or your partner, you know, through the in-laws. Like, it may get back to you, like, oh, that sign's missing. And so somebody may be expecting an explanation at some point, but I think it's fair to just be like, "It's not something that's possible. Unfortunately, it's not possible." Or I guess if really pushed, I think you could say, "Unfortunately, we aren't supporting your candidacy. We are supporting a different candidate for this race, but we wish you all the best in the election." Like, that's fair, too. I mean, we're allowed to disagree politically with the people in our communities. That's fine.

Leah: But I do like what you said earlier, where if they come back at you, you can say, "I was trying to be friendly."

Nick: Polite.

Leah: "I was trying to be polite by saying I'd think about it. It's just not a good match, but thank you."

Nick: Yeah. And you took that as a yes, and then put it in my lawn. So now it's a no.

Leah: But I personally wouldn't bring it up until it was brought up to me.

Nick: Oh, let's not volunteer that conversation. Absolutely not. No, you do not have to go out of your way to have this conversation. Also, I would not throw away the sign. I would keep it and just put it in the garage. Because then it'd be like, "Oh, would you like the sign back?" You know, if that comes up. So, like, let's not toss the sign, let's just put it away.

Leah: Yeah. And I—but I wouldn't go bring it over either. I'm just—I would just put it away.

Nick: Nope, we're not returning it. No, we just go put in the back of the garage. If they want it back, you have it available. After the election, obviously you can toss it. With the in-laws being involved, anything to be done with this?

Leah: Well, I think if the in-laws say something, you can just say, "Oh, they asked me."

Nick: "And we said, 'Oh, we'll think about it.'"

Leah: "We said we'll think about it, because we know they're your friend, so we wanted to be polite. But then they came and put it on without asking us. So that's just not okay."

Nick: Right. And presumably the in-laws know your political leanings, so that shouldn't come out of left field unless you've kept this a secret from them, too.

Leah: But even if you politically lean the same way, people just can't go put things on your lawn.

Nick: Right. Yes. Let's just not do that at the end of the day. Yeah. So let us know how this goes, if this comes up, or if everybody's polite at this point and doesn't bring it up. So our final question is, quote, "We laid my grandmother to rest on Friday, who was a stickler for etiquette and fashion, but adored people and made everyone feel welcome. Y'all would have loved her. And I received several thoughtful arrangements from friends and loved ones. I'm planning to send thank yous to all of them on some sentimental stationery that my grandmother gifted me in my youth that I still have. I think she'd love it and it'd make my heart happy to use the remaining pieces of stationery for this purpose. My question, though, I also received an arrangement from my place of employment. It is truly beautiful, and I want to thank them for their generous handling of all office-related issues while I was away—the thoughtful texts and the flowers. But I feel sending the thank you on a personal stationery that is very feminine and flowery is not a correct response to an arrangement sent by an organization. So on their side, it's professional, on my side, it's personal. Should I use our company stationery to send a handwritten thank -ou note? That seems strange. My initial reaction is to go for a middle ground, and use another piece of stationery that I have. It has a personal initial on it with a gold flourish and is on good linen, but no other details. Simple, elegant, not purchased by my organization, but not overly sentimental like the other set. And for context, I'm a remote employee, so I won't see any of these people in person for several months. Am I overthinking all of this? Would an email suffice? That doesn't seem like the thing to do."

Leah: Your grandmother sounds so lovely, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Nick: Yes. And I really do love the idea of using stationery she gave you as part of your thank yous.

Leah: And she would love it. It's beautiful.

Nick: I think that's really lovely. It's very full circle. It's the perfect tribute, really.

Leah: I have three different kinds of stationery from my Nana after she passed.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: And she passed 19 years ago. And so I use them for very sparing situations, but I have, like—I'm, like, down at the bottom for each of my Nana's stationery. So ...

Nick: Okay. You gotta ration it.

Leah: I do. I ration the Nana stationery. So I completely understand.

Nick: So lovely. For the office thing, yes, I think this is a really interesting question, and you know me, if I can sneak in a question about stationery, I'm gonna do it. I think that it's a personal note, so it does need to go on personal stationery.

Leah: Yes. I think don't—do not send it on the company stationery.

Nick: Yeah. I mean that—that's strange. Like, I think if the company was writing a condolence letter to an employee, then okay. Because that's, like, coming from the company. But this thank you is coming from you as an individual, a person. And so, yes, it should come on personal stationery.

Leah: And I really like your gut reaction, which is to go the middle ground, a nice personal stationery.

Nick: Yes, this seems very tasteful. A little gold flourish. Nice linen. Yeah, I'm on board. I also think the flowery floral thing is also totally fine if you wanted to use that.

Leah: I think it's totally fine, too, but I do sometimes think that people want to save it for ...

Nick: Sure.

Leah: ... people who knew your grandmother.

Nick: Yes. Who would appreciate it more. That's true. I also think it's fine to send a letter to the company on just blank paper. You know, like, custom stationery is not required. You could just take an 8.5" by 11" piece of paper. Or A4. I don't know where in the world we are. And you could just do that.

Leah: I imagine like a loose leaf where it was torn. I was like, "Nick, come on, even I wouldn't be that casual."

Nick: [laughs] I mean, you could, though, because really what we're trying to ...

Leah: But they're saying how thoughtful and lovely, and it's like—so I think a nice piece of stationery is nice.

Nick: It is nice to do something that has a little more gravity. Yes. I mean, a loose leaf piece of paper that still has, like, the ripped paper from the metal binding in the margin? Like, I'm not mad at that if it's a really thoughtful letter. But yes, it doesn't have the same gravity as paper with a gold flourish on nice linen. That's true.

Leah: I also think your grandmother would appreciate a gold flourish.

Nick: Yeah, totally. Now, as for the email, I think there's a world in which that's fine, too. I mean, I think when you have a loss, like, there's a lot happening, and so etiquette does not require you to, like, send handwritten thank-you notes for every flower arrangement that arrived immediately. Like, that's not the expectation here. There's a lot of grace that is given. And so it is nice to acknowledge things that people have done for you that are nice at some point when you're ready to do it. The form of that acknowledgement, I think, is really up to you. So if that was an email, if that was just like the easiest thing for you to do, like, send the email. That's fine. I think it sounds like you have the time and the bandwidth to send a handwritten note, so that's great. But I think in general, to the audience in the world out there, that when we are acknowledging nice things like this, yeah, people know, just do your best, whatever that is.

Leah: Yeah. When people are grieving, you do what you can, but I mean, it's a time where you're handling so much.

Nick: Yeah. And I don't think anybody's out there like, "Oh, I sent flowers and I didn't get a thank-you note." And, like, watching the clock. Like, hopefully people are not doing that.

Leah: No, those people.

Nick: Those people. I mean, actually there are people in the world that are doing that, but we don't care about those people.

Leah: Those are the same people that are putting their signs on other people's lawns without asking.

Nick: Exactly. Right. So I think you're doing this great. I mean, I feel like the etiquette essence from your grandmother, I think, lives on in you. And so that's really nice to see.

Leah: I think it's so beautiful. I hope—that's why I got from our letter-writer that they wanted to send a handwritten note, but they were like, is that too much?

Nick: Nah.

Leah: Am I overthinking? Should I just send an email? But I don't think it's too much at all. It seems like what you're doing is honoring your grandmother with somebody—as somebody who liked notes.

Nick: Yeah. And I think your colleagues who did do nice things for you, I think will also appreciate it.

Leah: Yay for grandmother's stationery.

Nick: Yay for stationery. Yes. But don't save it, people. Use it.

Leah: I'm using it. I feel like that was right at me.

Nick: [laughs] Yes. It's like wedding china. Don't save it for the fancy dinners. Everybody should be using their fancy wedding china every day. Just put it in the dishwasher. It's fine. Just use it.

Leah: I use it for specific occasions with specific people, but it's also I get to keep a little bit of my Nana.

Nick: Save at least a couple sheets for the archives. Fine. But yeah, get it out there in the world.

Leah: I just sent out her last one of one of them, which she loved pelicans.

Nick: Oh, how fun!

Leah: I think I brought this up before. She always said, "Such a strange bird, the pelican. Its beak can hold more than its belly can." And it was like a sketched pelican, and I just sent the last one out.

Nick: Oh, that's very nice! So you out there, do you have stationery you want to share with us? Or a question, a vent, repent? We'll take it all.

Leah: I mean, we'll even take dating questions. Nick is slowly letting me have them.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, what is dating if not relationships? What is relationships if not etiquette?

Leah: This is what I'm saying!

Nick: So send us your stickiest relationship questions. We'll take it. And send it to us through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!