Vetoing Unpleasant Mahjong Players, Excluding Free Alcohol at Birthdays, Getting Caught Without Toilet Paper, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. And these questions are all from Dallas, Texas.

Leah: Yes! For those of you who haven't been to a live show, A) you should come; B) Nick and I answer questions from the audience, and we got so many that we weren't able to answer them all in the time, so we're answering them now.

Nick: Yes. And what's fun about the live show is we don't know what the questions are in advance. So you're getting to see it live on stage, us figure it out. And so that's always very entertaining.

Leah: It's also not only figuring out the question, but it's also figuring out if we can read the question.

Nick: Yeah. Although I've gotta say, for the most part, everybody does have great penmanship.

Leah: I would say everybody in Dallas, every single one was legible.

Nick: Yes. That is definitely true for Dallas.

Leah: LA, we had to put a few back in the bucket. Remember?

Nick: That's true. [laughs]

Leah: We were like, "We're gonna have to get somebody else involved."

Nick: But Dallas? Lovely penmanship. So the first question is, "I've been trying to put together a mahjong group with two friends. One of them wants to invite a fourth that I do not find pleasant at all. Ideas on how to handle this, as we will need a fourth."

Leah: You know, I think I would like to dedicate this answer to me growing as a person.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Okay.

Leah: And also to, you know, 10,000 years with Nick Leighton as my partner.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: I think we should just be direct about this. Because polite honesty, what is the person gonna say? Let's not beat around the bush and we could just say, "Hey, I love that we're trying to find a fourth person. I've never particularly—" this is the exact wording I'm looking for here, but some sort of this person doesn't make me feel good, or, this person sort of rubs me the wrong way, or we haven't really had pleasant interactions. I'd love to find a different person.

Nick: Okay. Oh, interesting! Okay. I think that is one avenue we can go down. But first, mahjong? Is this the first mahjong question we've had?

Leah: Maybe. You know, because you bring it up so much that I ...

Nick: I mean, I play mahjong all the time, but I don't know if we've actually ever talked about mahjong etiquette. I don't know.

Leah: Is this a—we should do a deep dive!

Nick: We should do a deep dive. All right. Stay tuned for that. But for this, yes. If you don't know mahjong, it's a lovely game. It's played with tiles. It does need four people who sit around a table, one on each side. And so we do need a fourth person. And having played a lot of mahjong with a lot of different types of people, it is nice if there's a nice vibe. Because if you are playing with experienced players, you do have the opportunity to multitask. You're playing mahjong, you're also talking—you're conversing, you're making conversation, you know, you're doing all of that. If this is a more beginner group, so much of the conversation is spent on the game itself that even if you don't like the person, you're not actually gonna be talking to them about anything other than, like, "Oh, what is this tile? Is this a legal move?" You know, et cetera, et cetera. Just the game mechanics. So you might actually get away with having this person and maybe it's fine.

Leah: But?

Nick: But, okay. Or yeah, I guess if we don't want them, then that's fine. I guess my question is the idea of somebody being "unpleasant," that is quite broad. What do we mean by unpleasant? Are they just dull? Are they a cheater? Are they condescending? Like, what is unpleasant? And can we work around that?

Leah: Well, my guess is that because it's our Wolves family saying unpleasant, they're being kind to this person. And really this person is just ...

Nick: The worst.

Leah: ... horrific. They're the worst. Because I have a feeling that our Wolves family would find ways to deal with little incompatibilities. We could have worked. So my guess is that this person is actually slightly egregious.

Nick: Okay. Yeah. That's fair.

Leah: And they're just trying to be polite about it.

Nick: Yeah.

Nick: All right. Typical Wolves listener, being nice.

Leah: Being nice!

Nick: So another idea is you find the fourth. You need a fourth person. You find this person. It should come from your Rolodex. And so that could solve the problem.

Leah: Yes. But then what would they say? "Oh, I'm sorry. I already asked Lisa."

Nick: "Oh, I've got our fourth person covered, but thank you so much."

Leah: My guess is that this is a group where they talk about who the last person is together.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And so our letter-writer saying, "Oh, I already went and did this without your permission," it would be a whole other issue.

Nick: Okay. So then we're back to the polite-yet-direct approach that you advocated at the beginning.

Leah: Since there has to be another person, you're gonna have to say it.

Nick: Okay. So then the question is, like, how do we say it in a nice way? And so I think it's just, "Oh, I don't know if Chad is a good fit for this game." How's that?

Leah: Yeah. And I think you're gonna have to be ready with another one.

Nick: Okay. "Oh, Chad? I'd rather not, but let's see if we can find another person."

Leah: [laughs] And then they'd be like, "Why?" And I'd be like, "Well, because in 1985 I was in school, and Chad came up to me on the playground and I'm still holding onto that."

Nick: I guess, could we say, like, "Oh, well, Chad's not my favorite."

Leah: I think we can say that.

Nick: I mean, do we have to just be like, "Oh, because Chad did XYZ?" Or, like, "I just find that Chad rubs me the wrong way." Or "It's just a little oil and water." Maybe that's kind of nice.

Leah: Oh, oil and water is nice.

Nick: Yeah. "Oh, it's just a little oil and water."

Leah: I like that!

Nick: And then if the friend was sassy, they'd be like, "Let's make vinaigrette!" But hopefully they won't say that.

Leah: Hopefully they won't. Like, hopefully you taking the step to just sort of be honest and be like, "Hey, you know, let's find another person that we all feel good about. They can get that.

Nick: Yeah. So let us know how that goes. And mahjong deep dive. Oh, get ready. Oh, it's my favorite thing. So our next question is, quote, how do you get a person to stop correcting your pronunciation of words, especially when they're wrong?

Leah: I mean, this is a fun one. There's so many possible answers for this. Yeah.

Nick: I mean, I've experienced this. You've experienced this. Everybody's experienced this.

Leah: Oh, I regularly experience this.

Nick: And I think I'm on the record of saying that one of the things I dislike the most is when somebody is rude and wrong at the same time.

Leah: Yeah. No, that is on the record.

Nick: It's just—it's not a combination that works for me. And so yeah, I mean, correcting people's grammar, correcting people's pronunciation, unless there's a real need to do it, unless you don't know what they mean, gotta clarify in the conversation. If you—if you get it, just let it go.

Leah: Especially because people say things differently from different parts of the country.

Nick: Oh yes, there's definitely that. I mean, I have definitely gotten feedback from listeners who say I've pronounced something wrong, and then I go back to the tape and I'm like, "Uh, no. I said it right. So I think I'm good." It might just be my San Francisco accent. Okay, I'll give you that.

Leah: I will say the one time I really appreciated it was a friend of mine I was—going to Biloxi and I was driving with the dogs and I stayed with her and I—she's from outside Biloxi and I kept going, "I'm gonna Biloxi." And then she goes, "Just so you know, when you're there, it's Biloxi."

Nick: I appreciate that.

Leah: I really appreciated it because I don't need to announce myself when I come in. "Hey, is this Biloxi?"

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I would imagine they still know you're not from there. But at least you're pronouncing it correctly.

Leah: Well, I want to pronounce the name of the town that I'm in.

Nick: Yes, I think that is courteous.

Leah: I think it's the polite thing to do.

Nick: But if it's somebody saying nuclear or nuclear, like, we just—we just let it go.

Leah: Tomato, tomato. Potato, potato.

Nick: Octopuses, octopi. We just let it go.

Leah: That's—that is never—although if somebody corrects us and we don't want to let it go, feel free to go, "Oh, is it?" And pull out that phone.

Nick: So yes, I think letting it go is nice. And I guess the question is is this a one-off with this person or is this a pattern?

Leah: No, no. It says, "How do you get a person to stop?"

Nick: Oh yeah. Yeah, so this is not a one-off.

Leah: This is what a person does. I think with this person we could almost go, "Hey, you gotta stop doing this. You keep correcting me."

Nick: Yeah. I think we might just want to be direct and be like, "Hey, I notice you do correct my pronunciation a lot. I'd rather you didn't."

Leah: Please stop.

Nick: Please stoop.

Leah: Please stop. [laughs]

Nick: So that actually would be—that would be quite fun. That would actually be kind of a nice way to soften it where you're just like, "I know sometimes my emphasis is on the wrong syllable. And so I would appreciate if you just let it goo."

Leah: And then at the end you could go, "Especially since sometimes you're wrong," and then throw in a wink.

Nick: I think that—okay, this is nice. Yeah.

Leah: Let's let bygonies be bygonies.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. So our next question is, quote, "My best friend's husband used to work for me. Unfortunately, I had to eliminate his position. She blamed me and said I could have found a way to save his job. I couldn't have. Question, should I invite them to my son's wedding?"

Leah: This is so loaded!

Nick: This took such a turn. This—I was, like, not prepared for this to be a wedding question.

Leah: I love that at the end, it's a wedding question.

Nick: It's a wedding question, but oh, how did we get there?

Leah: I know. I wish we could just have, like, a sit down and just get the full story.

Nick: Yeah. I'm sorry we didn't get to answer this question live on stage, because there would definitely be some follow-ups I would want to do in the moment. But okay, what do we do about this?

Leah: I want to go on a whole thing about working with people that you know, but fraught.

Nick: [laughs] That horse is out of the barn.

Leah: Yeah. The horse has left.

Nick: Yeah. There is no barn. There is no horse.

Leah: Yeah, I was gonna say the barn got sold to somebody else because they couldn't have that job anymore.

Nick: So my first question, though, actually, is has this person been actively hostile since? What is the current state of the relationship? This thing happened. They blamed you for it. Have we seen them socially since?

Leah: I feel like yes. I feel like this person is actively blaming me regularly.

Nick: Okay. So this is continuing. And so is every interaction sort of chilly, or would this wedding be the first time we've actually seen them since all this went down?

Leah: My first question actually, even before that is: Does my son want them at the wedding?

Nick: Oh, I mean, that's a different thread, which is, like, who gets to invite whom to weddings?

Leah: Yeah, but that's the thread that I'm gonna lean into.

Nick: Okay. Continue this thread.

Leah: Right? Because then it's sort of, "Oh, it's out of my hands."

Nick: Well, that—I mean, okay, I see where you're going with that. That would be if, okay, we do not invite this person to the wedding. They complain to you or somebody you know. And then we send the message back, which is like, "Oh, I wasn't in charge of the guest list." So you have still allowed this person to blame you for the first event and then have given them occasion to be mad at you for not inviting them to the wedding. Even if you have a good explanation for that, you are still allowing them to be mad at you again.

Leah: My reading of this is our letter-writer doesn't want them at the wedding.

Nick: Oh, I don't think they want them at the wedding.

Leah: Yes, because they did what they could. My guess is that this person probably should have lost their job a long time ago.

Nick: Oh, and ...

Leah: And they tried their best to keep them.

Nick: That is very plausible.

Leah: And they were working to keep this person's job even though it wasn't working because it was a best friend's husband.

Nick: Yeah. Okay.

Leah: And then even though they went that extra mile, their friend is still complaining and blaming them.

Nick: Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Leah: And they don't want them at this wedding.

Nick: Okay. So I guess it comes down to if you extend the invitation, it would be an olive branch, and it does not admit fault for the previous event. So you could extend that olive branch. And then I guess the question is: Would they accept it? I guess if they're still mad at you, they probably wouldn't, in which case, win-win. You get the credit for inviting them and then you don't have to have them there. If they do show up, I guess the question is: What would that tension be like? Would there be tension?

Leah: Well, you could be very direct and say, "Hey, I know you're still mad at me because you think I could have saved Chad's job. Again, I couldn't. This is not about that. Our son is getting married. You have a relationship with him. You know, you've known him his whole life. You're my best friend. You are invited."

Nick: Hmm.

Leah: "And it's a day and it's about him."

Nick: "So hopefully you can, you know, set that feeling aside for the day."

Leah: Yeah. "Please feel free to join us."

Nick: And then we seat them in Siberia. Like, their table is just far, far away.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Yeah. Okay. Let us know how this goes. I would love some aftermath on this one.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah. So our next question is, quote, "Hw do I handle taking care of the birthday meal, but not the entire check? Not the bar tab, only the meal?"

Leah: I guess my first question is: Are we already at the meal or is this the invite?

Nick: Oh! I mean, that matters. Oh yeah, at what point are we making this declaration?

Leah: Because I think if we haven't got there yet, we could say, "Please come out for this. I'm covering everybody's food."

Nick: Drinks on you.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yes. I mean, the rule is an invitation should include all of the details that a guest needs to have in order to decide whether or not they want to accept. And so if one of the details is I'm gonna be paying for all of my alcohol, I would need to know that before I accept the invitation. So if that's what you want to do, okay, no problem. But then yeah, we gotta say that.

Leah: And then I guess, like, logistically when we get there, we would have to tell our server, "Hey, I'm covering everybody's food, but people are getting their own drinks."

Nick: Yes, we definitely need to make arrangements with the restaurant in advance. We cannot have a situation where the check drops and now we're, like, dealing with that.

Leah: Unless we haven't done it, and then we just want people to Venmo us for their drinks.

Nick: I guess that could also be fine. Yes. But people just would need to know in advance, like, oh, that's what's happening.

Leah: Yes. That's if this was all planned out in advance.

Nick: And I would definitely want the detail, are you covering all drinks or just non-alcoholic drinks? Like, we need a little clarity on that, too. Because, like, bar tab? I guess, is that alcohol? I assume that's just alcohol but, like, could it also mean lemonade? I just would want that detail clarified.

Leah: Yeah. So ideally this is going on the invitation. That's gonna be clear. Then we're gonna make it clear to our server.

Nick: Yep.

Leah: So barring that that didn't happen and we're at ...

Nick: Oh, please tell me that's not what's happening.

Leah: I'm gonna say it could happen, Nick. And then let's just figure out how we deal with it at that point.

Nick: Okay. So I'm at dinner. "Oh, this is a great dinner. Oh golly. Happy birthday, everybody. Oh, okay. Oh, check's here. Okay, Leah. I see—I'm gonna cover your meal, Leah. But I see you had some beverages, a lot of Diet Cokes here. So I'm gonna need you to pay me for those."

Leah: No, I think you should say ...

Nick: No, that's the no. That little dialogue was the not how to handle it. I was just trying to walk through the scenario of, like, oh, what is happening here? Yes. Oh yeah, don't do it that way.

Leah: Yeah, I was like, no.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: But I think we can say, "Hey, I'm gonna get everybody's food if y'all just want to figure out your drinks."

Nick: Okay, so the check dropped and then you say that cheerfully, and then everybody's like, "Oh, I thought drinks were covered because you invited us."

Leah: I mean, this is what our letter-writer wants, so this is what I'm gonna say.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Okay, so I guess if you just we're already there, you didn't tell your guests that there was gonna be this little bait and switch and you still want to collect, then yeah, I guess it's, "Hey, I'm gonna cover everybody's meals, but you can just Venmo me for the drinks."

Leah: Well, the thing is is that with this question, it could even be that this person, it's not their birthday party. They want to cover for the birthday girl or boy and they're a guest and they want to get the bill.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: We don't know who this person is.

Nick: Oh, okay. What part they play. So you think our letter-writer is not the host?

Leah: Our letter-writer might not be the host in this because they're not saying they're the host.

Nick: Well, then that's much easier because then it's like, "Hey everybody, I'm not the host, but I would love to cover the meal for the birthday person. So I'm gonna throw down for that."

Leah: Yeah, because I kind of think that that might be it. And I think that's fine.

Nick: That is not it at all.

Leah: It totally might be it. And I think you're totally fair to say I'd love to cover the meals for everybody and then everybody can just get their own drinks.

Nick: Well, then that's fine if another guest wants to do that. Fine. Okay. But that is not what is happening.

Leah: But if that is what's happening, I think it's fine to be very clear. "I'd love to cover the meals. Y'all get your own drinks."

Nick: Okay. So letter-writer, I think we have some ideas for you.

Leah: I think we really covered it.

Nick: Yeah, we sure did. So our next question is, quote, "What do you do if your hostess doesn't have toilet paper in the guest bathroom?"

Leah: These are always like, can I just get one more question? How far into the bathroom experience are we when we figure this out?

Nick: [laughs] This question has been haunting me.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I have been haunted by this because yeah, I mean, that—that is my question. How far in? What are we doing? Are we committed? What is my level of engagement?

Leah: What is my level of engagement?

Nick: Because what I think is particularly difficult about this question is that this is in a private home. In a public bathroom, I think we're all trained to survey the environment.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Look for hazards, look for supplies, and decide, is this a place I am prepared to commit? I think we are always sort of prepared for that in a public space. In a private home, I don't know if we have our guard up in the same way.

Leah: No, we don't. And also, Nick, I don't know if you know this about women's restrooms. If you're in a women's restroom, and you get caught, you reach under and you thought it was there because it was shaded. And then you realize, uh-oh, and you're too—you're too far committed. You can just say, "Excuse me, next stall. Do you by any chance have an extra square of paper?"

Nick: Yeah. Okay. That also is something you could do in a public environment.

Leah: Ladies are passing underneath.

Nick: But in a private home, yeah. So I am assuming—well, I guess let's not assume. I've walked into the bathroom. There's no toilet paper. Easy to solve.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: We go to our host. "Hello. Do you have any more toilet paper?"

Leah: Yes. And that seems pretty straightforward.

Nick: Yeah. So I feel like that is not what is happening, because I don't think we would get this question if it were that easy.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: And so, okay. A host has made a rookie mistake. There is no toilet paper or it has just run out.

Leah: Yeah, the person before us might have made a pillow with it and ...

Nick: Sure. And there's no backup. I mean, that's the rookie mistake for a host. You gotta have backup.

Leah: I gotta assume that this person has already looked under the sink.

Nick: Oh yeah. You've done all the things. Sure. So now I think we have to turn to alternatives. So now I think we're looking at easy—Kleenex. Then we're gonna go to cotton balls, Q-tips, right?

Leah: I might pull out my phone.

Nick: We could call for backup. Is that what you mean?

Leah: Yes. And say we're there with a friend. "Hey, I'm in the bathroom. I have committed and I realize there's no toilet paper."

Nick: Yeah, I think that would be fair. Let's say you can't do that. I think the only idea I have—I don't love it, but it's an idea—is we just kind of go bidet style. We use our hands, we wash them good afterwards, and that's what we're doing.

Leah: I would also say for the ladies, if you're doing a number one, you can always do a woods style.

Nick: Okay?

Leah: Which is move into a squat and then do a little dance, get a little air movement.

Nick: Okay. That's called woods style?

Leah: That's what I call it. Woods style.

Nick: Okay. Interesting.

Leah: So when you're hanging off of the back of a tree ...

Nick: Okay, so this is an idea. Okay.

Leah: And then you shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it. Flush, wash your hands. Go out, say to the host, "Hey, you're out of toilet paper." Get your toilet paper, bring it back to the bathroom.

Nick: Tidy up.

Leah: Tidy it up.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Wash your hands, go back out.

Nick: Okay.Yeah, I guess that is how we would handle that if it's a more extreme event.

Leah: If it's a more extreme event. Then I—you just live in that bathroom now.

Nick: I don't think Emily Post has ever contemplated this.

Leah: And the title of the question would be, "Should I get the shower curtain involved?"

Nick: Yeah. I mean, what surfaces are at my disposal? Yeah. I mean, there's hand towels, maybe? Shower curtain, rugs, your own clothing.

Leah: You could wait there until somebody else needs to use the bathroom. And then when they knock, you go, "Thank goodness you came! Can you go get me some toilet paper?"

Nick: Oh, that's interesting to just be there as long as possible. Or just be there until someone gets worried and checks up on you.

Leah: Yeah. Or just walks past the door and you go, "Hello?"

Nick: Yeah. "Is anybody out there?"

Leah: "Can anybody hear me?"

Nick: Or in a lot of areas there is Amazon, like, one-hour delivery. So you could actually just order toilet paper on Amazon and have it delivered to where you are. That could work.

Leah: And then it rings the door and then the host says, "Did somebody order toilet paper?" And you yell from the bathroom.

Nick: Yes! Me!

Leah: Let's bring it up!

Nick: [laughs] That actually—that might be the best option.

Leah: I mean, your legs will have fallen asleep.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. I mean, there's no good answers here.

Leah: But I think we came up with a lot of bad answers.

Nick: We came up with the best it's gonna be. And then I think we have to note this about this host, that this is a BYOTP kind of situation in the future. We cannot leave things to chance.

Leah: I'm telling you right now, I don't go anywhere without a tissue in my bag.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that's smart. Yeah, you should always have some tissues on you.

Leah: You always need to have tissues because you don't know what you're walking into.

Nick: Yeah. And then I guess as the person walking into this situation, it's on you a little bit to not have checked, right? It's on you a little bit. Little personal responsibility.

Leah: Sometimes you're like, you're so focused on holding your pee.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: Because you were, like, talking. You know, something else was happening, or you just arrived and, like, you've been driving. You just run in.

Nick: Sure. Okay.

Leah: You know what I mean? You weren't—you were assuming ...

Nick: I don't mean to victim shame.

Leah: It seems like that's what's happening. And I want to say a lot of times there's a lot of things happening.

Nick: That's true. Yeah. And it may just be what it is. Sometimes we just find ourselves in circumstances.

Leah: Yeah. And you just—the only goal had been to make it to the bathroom, you know?

Nick: Yeah. And you achieved that goal.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: But then yes, things followed. So thank you, Dallas. I mean, what great questions.

Leah: Thank you, Dallas!

Nick: And so, you out there, do you have questions for us? Oh yes, you do! Let us know. Let us know through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com, or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!