Asking About Brian, Living With Homeowners Associations, Redirecting a Birthday Gift, and More

Nick: Do you not know where Brian is? Do you paint your house the wrong color? Do you explain why you don't like someone's gift? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out.

[Theme Song]

Here are things that can make it better

When we have to live together

We can all use a little help

So people don't ask themselves

Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey everybody, it's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse-bouche.

Leah: Let's get in it!

Nick: So for today's amuse-bouche, Leah, where is Brian?

Leah: Which Brian?

Nick: Brian. Where's Brian?

Leah: I don't know. Outside with the dogs?

Nick: No, Brian is in the kitchen.

Leah: You know what? My first thought was, I bet this is gonna be like in the spice rack.

Nick: It is not spice related, but what this is, is a way to develop instant rapport with an entire generation of French people.

Leah: Oh, so Brian's in a French kitchen.

Nick: Yes. Yes. It's so few words. So let me explain what is happening because obviously this is confusing. So this is a phrase that is from a very common school textbook in France that was first published in the ‘70s and was popular through the ‘80s. And so anybody who studied English in France in this period probably used this textbook. And one of the lessons in this textbook was a photo of a house with family members. And one of the exercises was you were asked, “Where is Brian?” And you would look at the picture and then you would answer, Brian is in the kitchen. And so millions of French people studied this. And in the early 2000s, a very popular standup had a whole bit about this, how he was traumatized by Brian. Who is Brian? What an existential question. Where is Brian? And so this joke became super famous and became embedded in French culture. And so now if you go to France and your name is Brian, very good chance that a person will ask you, where is Brian? Like to your face. Like if you're like, oh, my name is Brian, a French person might say like, oh, where's Brian? And so if you really want instant rapport, the correct answer is Brian is in the kitchen.

Leah: Oh, I love it. It's like our donde est la bibliothèque.

Nick: It is exactly our donde est la bibliothèque. Like it is exactly that. Yes. And so if you do meet a French person, this is a great way to break the ice, even if your name's not Brian.

Leah: They're like, hey, I'm from France. And you're like, oh hey, where's Brian?

Nick: That would be great. Yes. If it's a person of a certain age, I think if they were not in the 6th grade in the ‘70s or ‘80s, then this may be lost. But I actually think it is now a meme in French culture that I think even younger people probably know this joke. So I think just be prepared if you're ever asked, where is Brian?

Leah: Now you know the answer is Brian's in the kitchen.

Nick: Brian is in the kitchen.

Leah: I love it.

Nick: Merci.

Leah: Très bien.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep and into apartment drama?

Nick: Sure. So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about homeowners' associations.

Leah: This is so timely because at this moment I have multiple friends who are having fights with their HOAs, and I was like, wow, it really seems like something's going on.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, it's a thing. So basically an HOA, a homeowners' association, it is a private corporation that governs a residential community. So in New York we have condos and co-ops. In many other parts of the country it's called an HOA. But generally the idea is your neighbors run the place and then pass judgment and come up with rules. And so ...

Leah: Well, it's rules and dues. You pay money.

Nick: Yes. Yes, you pay money just to keep it all going. And then many homeowners' associations also have the ability to fine you money if you break the rules. And so that gets interesting.

Leah: I haven't met a person yet who has had a good experience with their HOA.

Nick: So yeah, it's not great. I mean, in New York City, it's pretty much the deal for everybody that you basically have some overlord of some sort, because either you live in a rental building and then you have a landlord, you live in a condo where there's still a condo association. It's not lawless. You're not allowed to do whatever you want at all times. Or you live in a co-op, which is basically like a condo, but dialed up a notch in terms of scrutiny. And so yeah, it's sort of a blessing and a curse at the same time. Like, I like that I don't have to worry about taking out the garbage and somebody else handles paying the water bill. Like, I appreciate that. But yeah, if I wanted to install a new dishwasher, I have to get permission. I have to get a certificate of insurance from the delivery person. I have to schedule a move and schedule the elevator time. I have to make sure that it's only between the hours of 9:30 and 4:30 Monday through Friday, not on holidays. And so yeah, I mean, I do envy people who just live in a house where if they want to just, like, do something on a Saturday at 2:00 am, hang a picture, they could do it. I'm not allowed to be banging with hammers at 2:00 am on a Saturday in my house.

Leah: I also know—I mean, I understand the idea that your dues, like you're paying in for the community spaces.

Nick: Yes. Yeah, there's a pool, there's common spaces. Yeah.

Leah: And then so a friend of mine right now is fighting with her homeowners' association because there was a leak in the common space that they all pay for, but in front of her apartment.

Nick: Oh?

Leah: And then they were like, "You have to pay for it."

Nick: Oh!

Leah: And she's like, "But it's not coming from my house and it's in the common space." And then they were like, "Well, we have to send somebody over to—" you know what I mean? So it was like a whole thing. She had to spend all of her time proving that it wasn't her, that it was—even though it was clearly not, you know what I mean? And then it was like a fight to get what they were all paying the money for covered.

Nick: Yeah. And this is quite common, unfortunately. So I was thinking from an etiquette perspective, like, why is it so maddening, some of these? And what I was thinking is that historically, if we had an issue with our neighbor, we would just talk to them like, "Hey, your hedges are a little tall or a little unruly. Like, you know, could we do something about it?" And you would actually just have a neighborly relationship. And in a lot of these communities, instead of doing that, you just complain to the HOA and then they, like, enforce the rules. And we've missed that sort of neighborly connection. And I think the fact that that's missing, I think actually is part of the problem.

Leah: I do understand the concept of we're all in this community, and we all want to take care of this—our community together and make sure it's updated and safe. And I think that's a nice idea. It just seems like it has gone awry.

Nick: Yes. And I think that the fundamental structure of it is a little awkward, because you have, like, the association board or the co-op board or the board of managers in a condo. And these are also your neighbors. So the same people who are, like, enforcing the rules, fining you, are also the people you need to say hello to and be pleasant to when they're walking their dog in the morning. And, like, there's a tension there. And that tension, I think, is part of the problem, because you don't have a break. You are always a guest in your own home, your own community. You are always subject to some higher authority. And so what are the etiquette rules? I guess this is the question.

Leah: I think it would be to be clear and concise and polite and direct.

Nick: Yeah. Polite and direct. I think that's good. And I think communication is key. I mean, I think if we can talk to our neighbors before we loop in, like, management or the HOA, that's good. Like, if you have some issue with your neighbor, like, you know, just see if you can privately resolve it. Like, it's pretty provocative to escalate to the HOA immediately.

Leah: Yeah, it seems like you should try to solve it politely together. And then if you can't ...

Nick: Yeah. Like, if you're mad that I parked in my own driveway for more than 24 hours, which is a rule in a lot of HOAs.

Leah: What?

Nick: Yeah, they want you in your garage. They don't want, like, cars parked in the driveway.

Leah: What?

Nick: I know. The driveway is for some guests, but a lot of HOAs, yeah, you're not allowed to park your car for more than 24 hours in your own driveway.

Leah: What?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: It's your driveway.

Nick: Yeah, but your car should be in your garage.

Leah: What if you have other stuff in your garage?

Nick: Why is—why is that?

Leah: Because that's where I put my gym equipment.

Nick: [laughs] A lot of HOAs, yeah, this is actually the rule. Yeah. You cannot park for more than 24 hours in your driveway. Yeah, they just don't want cars piling up, I Guess.

Leah: You're like, not me. Backing up for one second and then pulling back in just to be like, "Well, I was out. I'm back now. New 24 hours."

Nick: Well, I feel like that could be maybe the loophole, but if you are gonna be buying into an HOA, it's really good to read the rules first so that you know, like, oh, this is an HOA that cares about how high my grass is or what I can do in my driveway. Or what color my shutters are, or what kind of holiday decorations I can have on my front door.

Leah: I'm so glad you brought that up, Nick, because that would be—I would want to know that first.

Nick: Yes, I think especially for you, if you buy into a homeowners' association that has very strict holiday decoration rules, this is not for you.

Leah: It's not for me.

Nick: It's not for you. No, you want to be in the community that is, like, famous for people coming from a hundred-mile radius to specifically see these houses. That's the Christmas you want.

Leah: That is the Christmas that I want.

Nick: But then the flip side is in that HOA, if it is an HOA, they probably have rules that make you do Christmas decorations. So you're now obligated to do Christmas decorations.

Leah: Well, I'm fine. You don't have to tell me twice.

Nick: [laughs] Well, but think of the resale value. It's all about resale value.

Leah: I just thought of, I want to make sure everybody's seen Christmas with the Kranks really quickly.

Nick: I think most people have. If not, I'll post a link to the trailer in our show notes.

Leah: [laughs] It's the people who aren't decorating and they get the what's what.

Nick: And then I think if you're on the board of one of these HOAs, I think etiquette is all about being consistent. So I think we want to make sure that we're not playing favorites. We are not actually benefiting ourselves, unjustly enriching ourselves based on our position. And making sure we're treating all our neighbors fairly. Because I think the major complaint of these HOAs is feeling like something's not fair.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And feeling singled out. And also there is this weird dynamic that does happen where some residents do feel maybe afraid to speak up about certain things for fear of retribution. Because if an HOA or a condo board or co-op decides, like, oh, we really don't like this person, there's a lot of things they could do to just make your life unpleasant. They can make it difficult to refinance. They can give you a hard time about other things. You know, it's just—you know, so a lot of residents can feel like, oh, I don't want to say anything and I'm just gonna let something go just because I don't want to make waves. But I don't love that that's how many people feel. So as a board member, I think it's really important to know that a lot of people do have those feelings and to try to counteract that by being open and sort of welcoming for criticism.

Leah: That made me so sad. You're, like, afraid to address something because you are worried that somebody won't let you refinance your own home.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, this actually comes up in New York City co-ops more often than it should, where if somebody doesn't want to complain about management, like the managing agent and how terrible they are or incompetent, or if they drop the ball on something, or if they were slow dealing with some application, because they can just then slow walk everything else for your life.

Leah: Right.

Nick: Like, if a managing agent decides they don't like a resident, they really do have a lot of tools in their toolbox to make things unpleasant for you. And so, you know, it's just sort of the nature of the beast. I mean, that's why there's so much Christmas tipping that is happening, because it's sort of like, oh, please like me. Please just make my life pleasant here.

Leah: I can't even tell you how much I want to buy a house out in the woods.

Nick: Yeah. To not have an HOA? There's something to be said for it, for sure.

Leah: I mean, I see, if you're on the board that probably you will also get people who are constantly nitpicking and ...

Nick: That is such a good point. Yes. I mean, it is thankless. It is unpaid. It's a lot of time and effort and work to be on one of these boards. I've never done it. I would definitely hesitate to do it because yeah, do you want to have all of your neighbors mad at you all the time for things that are not necessarily in your control? Like, sometimes you do have to raise the common charges. Like, sometimes that's just necessary. It's not you raising the cost of the garbage delivery or the taxes, it's just that is what it is and you have to do it. But, like, still you're the face of that decision.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: And so, you know, who wants that aggravation? And for me, when I come home, I like to have a safe space that's sort of free of drama, which is why I don't actually want to get to know any of my neighbors. I want cordial distance, because I don't need any of those relationships to go bad. I just want them pleasant and neutral. So that's why I don't want them to go good either, because, you know, the flip side is bad. So that middle zone is perfect for me. I say hello, I'm pleasant. I have the perfect 45-second elevator conversation about the weather to get me from my floor to the lobby, and that's all I need. And so the idea of being on a board where people know who you are and want to complain even when you're off duty, yeah. No, this is totally thankless.

Leah: Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure. So it just really seems like a lose-lose no matter what end of the stick you are in there, unless everybody's, like, agreed that we're all on the same boat. Can we just be open and polite and communicate well, and not be too hard on people and know that and everybody just tries their best.

Nick: Yes. And I think a lot of them probably are that.

Leah: We just don't hear about those.

Nick: Yeah, we just don't hear about those. And the horror stories are the ones that are the loudest.

Leah: And there's that wild account now online. I can't even tell if it's AI or real where they were posting videos of insane homeowners' association meetings.

Nick: We'll post a link to it in the show notes. That is so amazing, because you aren't sure because HOA rules can be so insane. Like, what is fiction? What is reality?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Very blurry.

Leah: Yeah, and it's wild.

Nick: Yeah. When the shade of tan isn't quite right on the shutters.

Leah: [laughs] And people are yelling. People are yelling.

Nick: Yes. Yeah, could be real. Who could say?

Leah: We can't say!

Nick: So HOAs, like a lot of things, there's good, there's bad. From an etiquette perspective, I think we just try to remember our training: be polite, be communicative, be direct when appropriate, and hope for the best.

Leah: Or move into the woods!

Nick: Or move into the woods and not have one. These are your options.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is, quote, "Recently I organized a joint gift with our immediate family for my brother-in-law—let's call him Chad. It was a gift card to enjoy a day at a resort. Think pool, hot tub, sauna, on-site bicycles, et cetera. There was also a separate gift card to one of our favorite restaurants nearby in the same area. His wife and my sister—let's call her Lisa—she texted me this weekend and suggested we use the resort gift card for our mother instead. Lisa said that the resorts they would be interested in are beyond the gift card amount, and that Chad would prefer to just stay the night at said resort and not use a day pass, and they would have to, quote, 'kick in for extra money.' I was taken aback and hurt at this suggestion and expressed this in my reply, to which Lisa responded that she had told me to get Chad this or this when I'd asked the month before his birthday for suggestions. I replied that I was sorry I hadn't followed instructions. We're sisters, so you can insert sarcasm here. I told her I had tried to be thoughtful and creative and give Chad an experience that my husband and I had done and loved. I also intentionally gifted amounts that I thought were generous so there wouldn't be an issue of them having to contribute. Side note, putting in extra money is of no financial consequence to them. She did agree that the gift was thoughtful and creative, but then listed the aforementioned issues with their usage of it. I would die before I ever told anyone, relative or otherwise, that we didn't want to use their gift or that it was a problematic gift. And I certainly wouldn't want to regift it to someone who had also originally contributed to the gift. PS, don't worry about my sister. I'll deal with her. Haha. But I would love your take on this as an etiquette situation."

Leah: Oh, it just hit me that she's saying that the mom was one of the contributors, and then she wants them to give it to the mom.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, so mom kicked in some cash for this gift. Lisa's like, "We don't want it, give it to mom." [laughs]

Leah: And mom's like, "But I helped pay for it."

Nick: So interesting.

Leah: I just want to say up top, I would love this gift. This is a great gift. What a delight.

Nick: Yeah, yeah. No, a day at a resort—think pool, hot tub, sauna, on-site bicycles—plus a gift card to a favorite restaurant nearby. I mean, I'm not mad at this.

Leah: I am not mad at that at all.

Nick: Yeah, letter-writer, send it to me. I'll take it.

Leah: Sounds dreamy!

Nick: Leah and I will have a great time.

Leah: We would have so much fun, Nick.

Nick: We would, yes. Only if they have tandem bicycles.

Leah: I'm fine with tandem as long as I can be in the front.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Happy to be in the back.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: So yeah, the idea that we would give the gift to our mother who contributed, yeah, that's wild.

Leah: I do want to add, and I've said this before, sibling relationships are like a whole level that I can only imagine.

Nick: Yeah. And our letter-writer is in a real good place with that. She's like, "I'll handle her." [laughs]

Leah: Yeah. She's like, "I'll handle it. Insert sarcasm. She's my sister."

Nick: This is the relationship. I guess my question is what is the sister asking for? Is she asking for a new gift, or is she just saying, oh, this gift isn't good enough for us. Let's just give it to mom. Because if it's just like, oh, this doesn't meet our needs, let's give it to mom. End of story. Okay. Happy to walk away. But if it's like, oh, we still need you to give us a gift, then that's a different question.

Leah: That's so funny. I never even thought about the first option. I was like, she's asking for the this or the this. She wants you to give it to mom and then go get this other thing.

Nick: Is that what's being asked of us? We need to go back to the original list of requests?

Leah: I think that's what it is, yes. But I mean, it would be funny if she was like, "Oh, don't worry about it, just give it to Mom."

Nick: Yeah, I kind of think, like, oh, we'll just give it to Mom and then that'll just wrap this up. I'm not gonna go out again and spend more money on a new thing.

Leah: That's so funny. And then what are you gonna say to the husband? Be like, "Hey, we got you a present, but your—but my sister said you didn't want it, so we just gave it to Mom."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Happy birthday.

Nick: See you next year. Now just to play—is it even devil's advocate? Just to ask the question, should our letter-writer have followed her sister's instructions?

Leah: Well, what I was gonna say is moving forward, I would not ask for suggestions.

Nick: Yeah, don't ask if you don't want the answer.

Leah: But I don't think that a suggestion, then it's a—it has to be this or nothing.

Nick: Well, for the sister in this story, it does.

Leah: Yeah. No, seemingly it is for the sister.

Nick: Yeah, these were not suggestions. These were, oh, this is the shopping list.

Leah: This is what you're getting.

Nick: You have two choices. You either get this or this.

Leah: Which I think is not what other people think of when they say "suggestions."

Nick: It's also not what other people think of when they think gift. You just told me how to spend my money.

Leah: [laughs] But I wouldn't ask.

Nick: Yeah, I think we're not asking anymore.

Leah: And I think if our sister is like, "Hey, I have some suggestions," say, "Oh, no thank you."

Nick: "We got it."

Leah: "We got it."

Nick: We got it. But for our letter-writer's question of, like, in general, what is the etiquette advice here? When you get a gift, you say thank you, and then that's it. If you don't like the gift, that is not the gift-giver's problem. So if it's a sweater in the wrong size, you try to go to the store and exchange it for the right size. If you hate this resort and you never want to go there, then donate this to charity. Then, like, do something with it. Like, do not go back to the gift giver and be like, "Hey, I have notes."

Leah: "I have notes."

Nick: "I have notes."

Leah: I do love your idea that we would just give it to Mom and then they don't get anything else, that kind of makes it more fun.

Nick: That also, I feel like, is the dynamic I would have in this family, which is like, "I gave y'all a nice gift. You criticize it. You said 'Give it to Mom.' I said, 'Okay, done.'" What are you gonna do? Say, "Give me more free stuff?" No. No, can't do that.

Leah: [laughs] Oh, I mean, that changed the whole thing for me. Now I'm like, give it to Mom.

Nick: Give it to Mom. I think that's a great idea. Mom would love it. She loved it so much that she helped contribute to it. So of course she's on board.

Leah: She thought it was a great idea.

Nick: Yeah, she thinks it's great. And actually, what you should do is go with mom to this restaurant and you should have a great meal, just you guys. And then you should send your sister a photo from the restaurant saying, "Wish you were here!" And you should send photos of you guys poolside. All of that. Yeah, you should really make a point that you're actually having a great time with this gift that they did not want.

Leah: Also, Nick and I will come.

Nick: Oh yeah, invite us. Please invite us.

Leah: I want to go so much to a resort day right now.

Nick: Right? Yeah. Leah, we need a spa day.

Leah: We would have so much fun at a spa, Nick.

Nick: Would we? I mean, I say that as a joke. Would we have a nice time?

Leah: Why would we not? I just visualized us wearing robes. We're laying back on a chair. We have cucumbers on our eyes.

Nick: I see.

Leah: We just got some kind of mask, like a full body mud mask.

Nick: Mani pedi. Yeah.

Leah: We're getting, like, maybe some kind of like a red light therapy.

Nick: Yeah. No, I do like a day of beauty. It's true. All right. Well Leah, let's do it. Let's find where this resort is.

Leah: We just show up. "Hey!"

Nick: "Hey, hey! Nick and Leah, remember us?" So our next question is, quote, "Let's say that a friend and I have made plans to meet for lunch at a nearby restaurant at noon. I am a 15-minute walk from the restaurant. And at 11:30, my friend texts me to say, 'So sorry, I'm running five to ten minutes late.' Am I allowed to now adjust my departure time to arrive at 12:05, or does etiquette demand that I still arrive at noon in case my friend makes up the time somehow? Note that there's no reservation at stake, so our arrival time isn't important for claiming our table."

Leah: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you adjust your time.

Nick: Yeah, I think you do. Yeah. You are not obligated just to sit around now.

Leah: Well, that's also why they're letting you know in advance.

Nick: Yes, but am I allowed to now arrive later than you? Like, you said, "I'm running five to ten minutes late." Can I roll in at 12:10?

Leah: Well, 12:10 isn't technically later than them if they're 10 minutes late.

Nick: Right? So I could arrive at the latest that they were suggesting, and if they arrive before I do, that's fine. Right? They can be waiting there if they got there at 12:05.

Leah: Yeah. I would just say, "Okay, I'll schedule myself to be there at 12:10."

Nick: Yeah. Is there a world in which we wouldn't do it this way? No.

Leah: Well, I would definitely not get there at 12. I would—I mean, unless I'd already left, but I haven't.

Nick: No. So this is fine.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah. So this was easy.

Leah: It was nice because, you know, sometimes I feel, oh no. And here I'm like, yeah, get there at 12:05.

Nick: Yeah, I do like this sort of grapefruit granité palate cleanser of question where it's just refreshing. It's just a simple yes, here's the answer. Very clean. Done.

Leah: Do 12:05.

Nick: 12:05. Easy peasy.

Leah: And I also like that the friend is giving us a whole half hour heads up, because seemingly knows how long it takes us to get there. So they've given us enough time to—we haven't already left, so now we can change when we leave.

Nick: And I do appreciate that we're getting a heads up at all. I think most people, if they were running five to ten minutes late, wouldn't say anything at all. And they would just think that, like, oh, five, ten minutes, that's still in the zone of being on time.

Leah: Ten minutes isn't.

Nick: I don't think so. Five, I'm okay.

Leah: Five is like, ah—but ten, ten is a whole other time.

Nick: Ten? Yeah, because ten becomes -ish, right? 12:10 is no longer 12.

Leah: Yeah. Well now 12—it's almost 12:15. It's almost a quarter past 12.

Nick: Right. Yeah. So 12:10 is now late.

Leah: But 12:05 ...

Nick: Okay. I think if you do roll in at 12:05, you still need to apologize, like, "Oh, sorry to keep you waiting." But ...

Leah: Yeah, it's still late.

Nick: It's still late. But yeah, 12:10, 12:10 is provocative.

Leah: 12:10 is a whole other—yeah, 12:10, we're practically in a whole 'nother time zone.

Nick: [laughs] So you out there, do you have any questions for us about time zones or anything else? Let us know! You can let us know through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back, and now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: I'm gonna repent.

Nick: Oh, okay. What did you do?

Leah: So for our listeners, there's a term called—when you're a comic, you get the light, which is actually a physical light at the back of the room that shows that you either have one or two minutes left.

Nick: Right. Yeah, so you're doing your set, you're on stage. At the back of the room above the audience there's a light that tells you how much time you got left. Got it.

Leah: So I'm at a show. It's actually a really fun show.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: And I was out of town. And we get the lineup texted to us, I'm doing less time than everybody else on the lineup.

Nick: Oh, so it's like 10 minutes for A, B, C, D, six minutes for Leah. Ten minutes for everybody else.

Leah: Yeah. And it's like, what? And then I was going back through, like, my history with this person. I was like, did I do something? Like, I usually close out their shows. I had asked to go in a different place in the lineup because I couldn't leave the dogs for a certain amount of time. So I was like, maybe did I overstep?

Nick: Sure.

Leah: You know, I'm going through all these things. But I'd politely asked, I'd given enough heads up, I explained the issue, you know? Then I was like, could it be that? And then I went over and I just decided to ask. I go, "Why am I doing less time than everybody?"

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And they were like, "Oh, that was a complete typo. I'll light you as if you were just doing the regular time."

Nick: Okay, good.

Leah: So I go, "Okay." So then I go on stage and I mean, I was having—I needed this. I've just been—I felt rusty. I don't know if people in the audience can feel it, but I have just—but this was like one of those sets where you're like, I feel alive again.

Nick: Okay, nice. Oh, it is all coming together.

Leah: It's all coming together. It was very in the moment. I was talking about this raccoon that we'd found in our building that was, like, ripping my heart out.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: You know? And I just kept making callbacks to the raccoon and how I was gonna invite it into the house. But anyway, it was a great set where—you know, it was like very organic. And I guess they had lit me, but in my peripheral.

Nick: Okay. So there was a light, but you didn't see it.

Leah: I never saw it. And so usually when, like, a comic gets lit, they give you a sign like, "Hey, I saw it." I didn't see it.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: But apparently I was looking at in that direction, but I'd never said—I've never intentionally blown a light. And then I saw the light. I was like, "Wow, they're really letting me go. And they said they were gonna give me time. They are giving me time!" You know, in my mind. And I was like, okay, but it's a fun set, you know? And then I see the light, I register it, I go—I give them—you know, and then I give them the nod, and then I do my closing joke and I leave. And the host was like, "Oh my God, great set." And then the booker just said, came over and said, "I didn't mean to write you less time, that was a typo. Great set." And they didn't even mention to me.

Nick: Great.

Leah: And then another comic was like, you completely missed the light when they lit you.

Nick: And how over did you go?

Leah: I went over, Nick. I did. I went—I was like, oh, I thought they were just letting me go because I asked about the time.

Nick: And you're supposed to do what, 10 minutes?

Leah: I was doing, 15.

Nick: And what did you end up doing?

Leah: I did more.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: I did more.

Nick: More than a few minutes.

Leah: And so I felt horrible.

Nick: Wow! I mean, the fact that you don't want to say how many minutes more definitely suggests you should feel bad.

Leah: I do feel bad, Nick. I'm telling you I feel bad.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: I do—neither one of them brought it up to me at all. And I did have a great set. So at least I wasn't bombing through that extra time.

Nick: That's true. Yes, if you were bombing and blowing the light, that's not a good combination. Sure.

Leah: But it was just like the whole—I would have been more aware, because I could tell I was going long, but I thought they were purposely giving me longer because they—we'd had the conversation and they were like, oh no, that was a mistake.

Nick: And you couldn't see the light at that time? Why are we—why are we not registering that the light is gone?

Leah: Because nobody lights you from the side. Everybody lights you from the front.

Nick: Oh, okay.

Leah: So I wasn't even looking in that direction for the light.

Nick: Right. Yeah, that's kind of weird, right?

Leah: Well, the person who told me, they were like, "Well, he lit you way on the side, like out of your eyeline."

Nick: Oh. Well, okay. All right. Well, you won't do that again.

Leah: I won't do that again. I normally ask where am I being lit from? That's a question I always ask.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I didn't ask because I just was like, oh, they're only from the front, you know, because I was focusing on this other thing. What did I do to upset everybody?

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: So I didn't ask my normal questions because I fear doing this so much because some people blow the light all the time. We all know who the light blowers are.

Nick: Yeah, yeah. They have a reputation.

Leah: They have a reputation, because you can't get them off stage even when they're doing badly. They just keep going.

Nick: Ugh!

Leah: But now I've blown the light. It happened. And, you know, I feel bad about it, but I'm gonna go back to my thing where no matter what's happening, I'm gonna go, "Where am I being lit from?"

Nick: So speaking of things in the wrong spot, I would like to vent. And so I was recently dining here in New York City at a fancy schmancy restaurant, and I would just like to report that I sat down and the table was set incorrectly. Hmm. There was a fork, an oyster fork that was set and it was on the left. I said left. Did you hear me, Leah?

Leah: I know, I passed out for a second. I thought, no, the horror! It's not on the left!

Nick: The oyster fork on the left! Can you imagine?

Leah: I cannot, Nick.

Nick: Can you imagine? Yes. So imagine my shock and horror and disappointment to sit down at this meal and to see this, because then I'm thinking, ah, well, if you can't do this right, what am I in for?

Leah: I mean, you just practically imagine that there were, like, pirates gonna run out of the kitchen.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Savage.

Nick: So yes, the oyster fork was on the left. And as we know, the oyster fork does go on the right for many reasons. One of them, which is there is no oyster knife. And so of course the oyster fork is only used in the dominant hand, which for most of us, except for Leah, is our right hand. And so it goes on the right side. Now I was thinking like, oh, do we think this restaurant does this on purpose because most people don't know this rule and it's actually more confusing to have the oyster fork on the right for diners who don't know better? Like, is that what we're doing? We're, like, purposely doing it wrong to accommodate people who don't know? But, like, surely we can't be living in that world.

Leah: You know what, I wonder if the owner of the restaurant was left-handed and they said, "I'm tired of these rules."

Nick: Well then, like, let's switch everything. Let's just have just like all the forks ...

Leah: No, because then all the forks are on the left.

Nick: When you eat continental, Leah, are you eating it with the knife in your right hand?

Leah: Am I eating in the continental United States or am I eating ...

Nick: When you are in Europe.

Leah: In which continent?

Nick: When you are having your croque madame.

Leah: Which seven continents am I on?

Nick: [laughs] Yes. When you are eating not American style, are you switching fork? What are you doing with your forks? I'm trying to think the last time I dined with you, what you were doing. I wasn't paying attention.

Leah: You know, the fact is is I don't really pay attention to what I do with my forks either. So my guess is that it's sort of like every day it's a new thing.

Nick: Could be multiple things in the same meal. Who knows what you're capable of?

Leah: It's actually quite possible that I switch.

Nick: Although here's the secret: I do too sometimes.

Leah: Look at you!

Nick: I know. Sometimes some bites are one way, sometimes some bites are another way. I'm just so—I'm so global that, like, I don't know where I am on the map sometimes and so I just forget. But yeah, this restaurant, too fancy to not know the rule about oyster forks. So I was just a little disappointed. A little disappointed. So the real question is, should I send them a letter?

Leah: Is it a handwritten letter?

Nick: Oh, if I was gonna do this, I think if you're gonna complain about oyster fork placement, it does need to be handwritten. I don't think you can send that email.

Leah: Well, I don't think you should send it as a complaint. You should send it as a ...

Nick: "Imagine my surprise."

Leah: Or even, "I just want you to know oyster forks historically ..."

Nick: Historically as in today? [laughs]

Leah: As in most of the time.

Nick: To the present day. Yeah. Okay. An FYI letter. "Dear restaurant."

Leah: I would love to be the person that opened that letter. I would be like, "Can you imagine?"

Nick: Although I think what's hilarious is this restaurant, I'm sure this is the least problematic mail that they get.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But okay, I will consider writing this letter. I will—I will consider this and then I will be interested to see if I get a response. Yes. I guess the real question is do I want my name associated with this letter? Can I send it anonymously?

Leah: I mean, the thing is, is that for us—us being me and the Wolves family—you would be doing it for the plot. We want to know is Nick gonna send this letter?

Nick: I would do it for the plot. Yeah.

Leah: Because we're not associated with it. So ...

Nick: [laughs] Would I want this restaurant to post this letter on their social media account and tag me?

Leah: That's the question.

Nick: And would I want the mockery that would then result? I guess that's really the question.

Leah: That is the question, Nicholas Leighton.

Nick: Can I be prepared for global ridicule. It's not a no. It's not a no. But I'll keep you posted.

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: I learned where Brian is.

Nick: Yes. And where is Brian?

Leah: Brian is in the kitchen.

Nick: That's right. And I learned that on a tandem bicycle, you would like to be in the front.

Leah: Oh yeah, I need to be in the front. I can't be in the back, Nick.

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note in my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, Leah, what should the homework be? It's on you this week.

Leah: Well, Nick, if you let me pick ...

Nick: You get to pick this week. Yes, you are in charge.

Leah: So I like the idea that this week we all wake up every morning and we list three things we're grateful for.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: I think it's a great way to start the day.

Nick: Every day this week? Like, we have to do this seven times?

Leah: Seven times. You're lucky it's only three things because I do ten.

Nick: So we have to come up with 21 things this week, is what you're saying?

Leah: Yeah. Well Nick, if you can't do 21, you can do the same three, but when you wake up, you just have to say it out loud.

Nick: Oh, I have to do this out loud?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Okay, that's your homework. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah, it's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: So I want to say a shout out Cordials of Kindness, to two of our Wolves family, Tammy and Angie.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Who have both reached out to let me know where I can find more—now I know the name—Coca-Cola Freestyle machines.

Nick: [laughs] Yes. Uh-huh. Sure.

Leah: Tammy let me know that they're at the Grove. Thank you so much, Tammy. On my way as we speak. I'm so—I did not know, and I'm so excited. And then Angie sent me the website you can go to that shows you the locations of all of them near in your area.

Nick: Oh, it's like a map. It's a directory.

Leah: Yeah. Like, you could be like, "Hey, I'm in this city right now," and you put it in and they're like, "Well, you can find seven Coca-Cola Freestyle machines around you." I mean, my life has changed.

Nick: Yeah, it's really only a matter of time before you get one for your house.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: If you win the lottery, like, you're not gonna tell anybody, but there will be signs.

Leah: I actually feel like it might be too much power for me to have one in my house. Also, Tammy brought up that they have a zero—Mr. Pibb Zero—and I cannot wait to jump on that.

Nick: Mr. Pibb Zero? Okay.

Leah: Yeah, because I loved Mr. Pibb.

Nick: Okay, I'm not super familiar with the Pibb family.

Leah: You should try the Pibb.

Nick: Okay. Is there a Mrs. Pibb?

Leah: No.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: It's like a Mr. Rogers.

Nick: Oh, got it.

Leah: We don't know what's going on with the rest of the family.

Nick: [laughs] Fair enough. And for me, I would like to say thank you to Anne. Anne just sent a handwritten note, and she says that her and her daughter recently returned from one of her favorite places, which was the Two Bunch Palms in Desert Hot Springs.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And she sent a photo. Oh, do you know where this is, Leah?

Leah: Yes, I've been to Desert Hot—can you tell me? Back up for a second, let me write it down. Two Bunch Palms?

Nick: [laughs] Yes, Two Bunch Palms. And Anne sent us a photo of her robes and a Were You Raised by Wolves? tote bag that are hanging from the palms. And they're hanging on the palms because you, I guess, do that and then, like, dip yourself in the waters, the healing waters. And so how delightful that the Were You Raised by Wolves? tote bags are part of a spa event. Like, how relaxing and delightful.

Leah: I love that we, by proxy are by the healing waters.

Nick: Yes, we are healing waters adjacent. And I gotta say, this tote bag looks pretty good hanging on a palm tree. Not mad at this. So thank you, Anne. Also, lovely penmanship. Your handwriting is very nice. And hint hint, you went there. I do love getting mail at the PO box. The address is on our website. So please send me mail.

Leah: Nick loves mail. Nick loves opening mail with his letter opener.

Nick: Funny you should mention it, Leah, that I went to the PO box today and I got this letter and I wanted to open it on the spot and I was thinking, "Oh, I can't, because I don't have my letter opener on me." And then I was thinking, like, should I keep a letter opener in the PO box?

Leah: Oh my Lord!

Nick: Like, could I just like leave one in the box? Would the post office care if there was just, like, a letter opener that was always there? Could I do that? Is that a lot?

Leah: It's so amazing. It's like you travel without your fingers. How can I open this letter? How can I open it?

Nick: It can't be done. I had to have a letter opener for this, and I had to wait until I got home, which was fun because then the anticipation builds because I know a nice letter like this is not like a bill. And so it was kind of fun, like, oh, I get to rush home and then, like, see what Anne sent me. I did think though, if I had a letter opener at the post office, I could solve this problem.

Leah: I mean, you could tape it to the inside of the box.

Nick: I was thinking, like, yeah, magnetic or yeah, something. Although New York City post office, I feel like they don't want weapons in the ...

Leah: Yeah, I was gonna say that's gonna get used in some way and then you're gonna get blamed for it and they're gonna be like, "You can't have this here."

Nick: It was a thought I had though. So thank you, Anne, for your letter and I hope to hear from you again.