Decoding Different Cultures, Pursuing Dry Cleaners, Blasting Techno Music, and More

Nick: Do you not read between the lines? Do you leave vague delivery instructions? Do you ask to see the guest list before RSVPing? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out.

[Theme Song]

Here are things that can make it better

When we have to live together

We can all use a little help

So people don't ask themselves

Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey everybody, it's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's get right to it with our amuse-bouche.

Leah: [sings] I feel my panic rising.

Nick: So for today's amuse-bouche, I want to go to my etiquette library.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And as you may not know, I actually have quite an extensive library of etiquette-related books—hundreds and hundreds of volumes. And so today I want to do a little book report.

Leah: Okay, I actually visualize going to your library. I put on little gloves. I pulled out a book. I'm gently turning the pages.

Nick: I mean, some of the books are quite precious to me. You know, I have some first edition, first printings. Yeah, and some of these are from the 1800s. I think probably the oldest book I have is probably mid-1800s. And so very fragile. But for today, I want to talk about The Culture Map, which is a book from 2014 by Erin Meyer. And it's really a business book. It's about how different cultures sort of operate. And if you're, like, a German car company opening up a factory in Brazil, what does that mean to be a German culture operating in a Brazilian culture? And so that's really what the book is about.

Leah: Interesting.

Nick: But there are some very interesting etiquette lessons in there, which I don't know if the author intended, but that's how I read it. So I just want to kind of introduce you to this book and some of the ideas in it. And then if you're intrigued, then certainly you can read the whole thing.

Leah: Oh, I'm excited!

Nick: So for the author, she looks at all the cultures in the world, and she has different scales on which we can rate them. And so one example is like, being on time—cultures that have a very linear sense of time, so like the Germans or Americans, or cultures that have a more flexible sense of time. So that's one dimension that she talks about. Another dimension is how cultures disagree, like how disagreement happens or how we build trust. Like for example, in China, there's the concept of guanxi, which is relationships, and how important having relationships is to getting anything done.

Nick: And so one of the scales that she talks a lot about is communication. And so that to me is very etiquette-y. And so the scale goes from what's called low context to high context, and all cultures in the world she puts on this scale. And so on one end we have low context. So this is being very explicit, very clear, very direct. The United States, she says, is the most low-context culture in the world. And then on the far other side, the high-context end, we have reading between the lines, inferring meaning. And so she says that Japan is the highest-context culture in the world. And then she places all the other cultures on this spectrum.

Nick: And so I think this is very interesting because when we are communicating—and etiquette is a form of communication—we are trying to communicate something, and a message is only as good as it's received. Like, what's the point of trying to say something if it's just not interpreted the right way, or misinterpreted? You know, a lot of etiquette problems happen from misinterpretation.

Leah: Mm-hmm.

Nick: So she talks a lot about how different cultures who have a different approach to communication can actually be heard. And the first step is just to acknowledge oh, different cultures have different styles of communication. I mean, just acknowledging this is half the battle. And one of the explanations for why this is, like, why the United States is the lowest-context culture in the world—and one explanation is that we are relatively young as a country, and our culture is very diverse. We have people coming from all over the world. And so in order to communicate with each other, we have to just be very clear and direct. We have no choice, because we all have different backgrounds.

Nick: And so this is drilled into us. We may not think we're low-context people as Americans, but we totally are. Like, think about all the lessons we hear as children, like, say what you mean and mean what you say. That is super low context. Or think about the five-paragraph essay in middle school, which is, tell me what you're gonna say, say it, and then tell me what you just said. I mean, what a perfect example of just, like, overt clarity. Whereas in Japan, a high-context culture, they don't like saying no directly. A no in Japan might be, "Well, we'll see," or, like, "Oh, that's very interesting, we'll look into that." And if you understand Japanese culture, you'll know oh, they mean no. That's a no. That's not a maybe.

Leah: I just learned that I am Japanese.

Nick: Okay. Yes. Put a pin in that because we're gonna come back to that concept in a second. But one of the reasons why Japan is such a high-context culture is that they have been on this island together for thousands of years. It's a very homogenous culture. It's kind of like a married couple. When you're a newlywed, it's gonna be a lot more low context. You have to say what you mean, say what you feel. But if you've been married for 50 years, you can look across the table at your spouse with a look, and you know that look says, "Uh, can we leave this dinner party?"

Leah: [laughs] Yeah.

Nick: Right? Or with siblings or your close family members, like, you have a shorthand. That is high context, because you have all that background to draw upon. And that is one of the reasons why Japan is so high context. Now what you just said, you're Japanese in terms of your communication style, yes. And I am, too. I am a much more high-context speaker where I don't necessarily always like to be super direct. You know, I'm very diplomatic in that way. And you, too, like, you don't necessarily want to just be super explicit and direct all the time. And why that's important is that yes, Americans on the whole are very low-context people, but there are millions of us and we all have different communication styles. And I think in our travels, in our etiquette travels, acknowledging that our communication styles are different from our neighbors, this is important because a lot of the miscommunications are not nefarious, they're not malicious, they're just, oh, you communicate in a different way.

Leah: This is so interesting.

Nick: Right?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And it is also interesting that cultures cluster together on these spectrums. And so near us in the low-context world are Australia, Canada, UK. But interestingly, the UK is the most high context in our little club, which is why British humor sometimes does not land with Americans, because it's a little more read-between-the-lines-y than us Americans are used to. Like, an American joke is a little more like, oh, here's the punchline and I'm gonna make it very clear, like, this is the funny part. Whereas, like, that dry humor, that's lost on us sometimes because it's a little more high context.

Leah: So interesting. Finland—because I always think of them as pretty direct.

Nick: That's actually a different scale for Erin Meyer. That actually is a scale which she calls it "evaluating," which is how, like, feedback happens. And so interestingly, although the United States is the lowest context in terms of communication, we're actually all about giving very indirect negative feedback.

Leah: That's what I would have guessed that we were.

Nick: Right?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: So we're gonna be clear about it, but we're gonna say something like, "Hey, love this presentation, but could I give you just maybe some tweaks to consider?" Like, that would be very American, whereas the French would not do it that way, or the Dutch. They would just be way more direct with their feedback. And that's why Americans actually think that the French or the Dutch are a little rude, because, like, oh, that's—that's a little harsh. But they think Americans are the ones that are actually rude because we sugarcoat things with good cheer.

Leah: That is very interesting that those are actually two separate categories.

Nick: Right? Yeah.

Leah: I wonder—because you were talking about the different parts of the country. Like, I would say my New England people, particularly Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine, I feel like we're very friendly, but we're not a sugarcoat-with-good-cheer.

Nick: No, that's true. Yeah, I think you have a more direct feedback style. Well, I think that's an East Coast thing, because New York, I mean, we're famous for being very clear in our feedback.

Leah: Well, I also think in New England there's a bit of, I'm gonna let you know how bad it could be.

Nick: Oh, sure. Yeah, I don't know where that falls. [laughs]

Leah: It's like the opposite of sugarcoating.

Nick: Right. Yeah. What's that, sandpaper coating?

Leah: It's like sandpaper coating, but then also very friendly.

Nick: Crushed glass and nails.

Leah: I'm happy to help you out with it. But let me tell you, life is hard.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah, I guess I'd be curious where that would fall in this book. I don't know if she's contemplated that. I'm gonna have to look into this deeper.

Leah: It's all those winters.

Nick: Yeah, it really catches up with you. Yeah, I guess how aggrieved a culture is, maybe that's what it is.

Leah: Well, it's like a hearty, I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna plow it. I'm gonna chop it down and make heat, but I'll help you do it.

Nick: Okay. Well, Erin Meyer, The Culture Map, check it out. I'll post a link to more details in the show notes if you want to kind of dig into this further.

Leah: I think it's so interesting, and it's just such a great reminder that besides knowing that just because I think a thing or experience a thing, another person doesn't, but then also culturally we may not even communicate—like, direct may not mean the same thing.

Nick: Right. Yeah.

Leah: How to be polite may not even mean the same thing. And so to also filter that in.

Nick: Yeah. No, there's a lot of layers.

Leah: A lot of layers.

Nick: A lot of layers.

Leah: It's a mille-feuille.

Nick: Oh, wow! Where do you pull mille-feuille out of?

Leah: Nick, I pulled it right out of the British Bake Off.

Nick: Oh, my goodness. Okay. No soggy bottoms there.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep and to my door.

Nick: Okay! Well, for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about delivery services.

Leah: I'm really excited about this, because I think our longtime listeners know that I have a very weird anxiety about takeout.

Nick: Oh yeah. I mean, if you don't, well, you're gonna find out.

Leah: [laughs] And a lot of it stems from I feel rude just having a quick interaction with people.

Nick: Right. The idea of like, "Oh, here's your food. Bye." You're like, "Oh, please come in."

Leah: Yes. "Tell me about how your day is going. Do you need something?" I just—it really throws me off.

Nick: So we've turned the page on this, apparently.

Leah: Yes, because now there's contactless delivery.

Nick: Oh, okay. Great. So let's talk about the etiquette here of—a couple of things on my list. Tipping. This is number one. You gotta tip. I mean, what are we doing?

Leah: And then in some apps it's a little confusing because you tip on it, and then after it'll say, "Do you want to add tip?" And you're like, I thought I already tipped. That's extra tip.

Nick: And I think it's better to tip upfront because they see that.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And so I think they should know what they're gonna get. I think that's nice. And I think we're tipping 15 to 20 percent here. I think that's kind of the standard zone here.

Leah: That's what I'm tipping.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, personally, for my delivery in New York City, I do 20 percent. And I think if it's a small order—you know, if it's under $20—I think we're tipping at least $3 or $4. Like, let's not do a percentage based on $20.

Leah: I struggle on the percentage because they could be bringing me one thing—which would be crazy. If I'm just being like, "I need a shake," I mean, somebody would be like, you've gone too far.

Nick: I could see a world in which you're like, "Oh, I just need an iced coffee right now."

Leah: But I could make it! And I could donate that money to an animal shelter.

Nick: I could do so many things. I could do my own dental work.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But certain things we just subcontract.

Leah: Okay, well, point being whatever they're delivering, they're still doing the same amount of work.

Nick: Absolutely. Yes.

Leah: That's why I don't really tip a percentage. I try to tip in case the actual purchase is very low, but they could have driven across the whole ...

Nick: Yes. And I think related to that, I think we do want to consider other factors like how far did they drive. Do you live on the top floor of a walk-up building? Is the weather horrible? Like, I think if any of these things are in play, we need to take this into consideration with our tip.

Leah: And what I learned is that if something is wrong with your order, it doesn't go through the Dasher. You have to go to the restaurant.

Nick: Do not punish the delivery person for an order problem.

Leah: Oh, not punish them—but they don't know anything.

Nick: A lot of people punish the delivery person for an order problem.

Leah: Oh no.

Nick: They go, "I'm not gonna tip." Yeah, this happens. And that's horrible. Just because they forgot the salsa does not mean your delivery person was responsible. And it's like, you still need to tip them. Take up your issue with the restaurant.

Leah: And also you can just call and they'll fix it.

Nick: Speaking of calling, make sure there are delivery instructions that are clear and complete. Do not make your delivery person have to call you. They should have all the info that they need.

Leah: And it's fun. There's a little space. You can say, "This is how you get into my building, if you could just please leave it here."

Nick: Yeah. Give a gate code. Sure. I think make sure you have your lights on on your porch. Like, let's not have a creepy dark house that they have to deliver to.

Leah: Oh, do you have a porch? That's so lovely.

Nick: I mean, I don't, but I like the idea.

Leah: No, I know you don't. I just meant to our listeners. If you have a porch, lovely!

Nick: Oh, I know. I wish I had a stoop or a porch or a veranda.

Leah: And even though I love dogs and all dogs, know that some people are afraid of dogs, so maybe don't have them running out front.

Nick: Yeah, I think that's good. And I wish I didn't have to say this, but I do have to say this. Make sure you answer the door wearing clothes.

Leah: Oh, let's backtrack that. You don't have to answer the door. That's why I love it.

Nick: Sure. Yes. But I think if you are gonna answer the door, I think let's have clothes on.

Leah: But if you don't want to have clothes on, just don't answer the door and wait until they leave.

Nick: Okay, fine. But I feel like let's not do the thing where you're opening the door but don't have clothes on.

Leah: Okay. I didn't even think of that.

Nick: Yeah, but it's a thing. It's a thing that has happened in this world. And I just—I can't imagine our listeners are gonna need that tip, but I just feel like I need to say it.

Leah: I hope the Dashers, like, have a group website where they can be like, "warning, this is a person who comes to the door nude."

Nick: Yeah, I'm sure this exists. Absolutely.

Leah: And let me tell you, I don't do it a lot, but when I do treat myself to a Dash, I go wild, because the app lets you know: "Oh, they have your order. Oh, your order is being—oh, the Dasher's there. Oh, the Dasher's got it. Oh, the Dasher's on the way." And then you watch the little car or the little bicycle, depending on what they have, going on your map. And I mean, I go wild. "They're three blocks away! They're on the block!"

Nick: I mean, the things that give you joy, it's really wild.

Leah: Well, I think I'm very grateful for that, because imagine you had such a high tolerance for joy that you had no joy.

Nick: I mean, that's kind of where I operate. [laughs]

Leah: I know. I was trying to be subtle about it. [laughs]

Nick: Oh, very high context.

Leah: [laughs] Nick, it's really a phenomenon that we have that and you can watch them come all the way from First Avenue.

Nick: Yeah. No, I like seeing the progress. I do.

Leah: Also with DoorDash, you can have them stop at more than one place.

Nick: Sure. Absolutely.

Leah: Which I haven't done yet. That seems like an expert level, but ...

Nick: And I think bringing it back to etiquette—if you do ask for multiple stops, I think we might want to incorporate that into our tip, which is like, oh, I just asked you to stop at seven different stores.

Leah: And I think what Nick brought up about weather is very important. If they're going through a snowstorm, if they're going through a thunderstorm.

Nick: Anything with the word 'storm' in it.

Leah: Anything involving the word 'storm.'

Nick: Yeah. Definitely take this into consideration. Absolutely.

Leah: I just love that they can just drop it off. They take a picture, they send it to you. "Hey, it's here."

Nick: Yeah. No, it changed your life.

Leah: I also sort of like—it feels very intimate to open a door into your home and people see. I just have that relationship without inviting somebody in.

Nick: Okay. Well, I think what you really need is a foyer so that they do not actually see your entire house when you open the door.

Leah: I wonder if I would still have the same problem.

Nick: I think if you had a foyer that was sort of limiting the view, and that felt like sort of an in-between zone—like, I'm not inviting you to my house, I'm inviting you into my foyer. Psychologically, it's a little different.

Leah: Well, I was telling Nick about an event that happened earlier,and a quick conversation with somebody. And by the time it was over, I knew their whole life story. I'd given them three power bars and three different kinds of soda. So it's like I can't stop myself.

Nick: Well, self-control, that is beyond the purview of this show. So you're on your own for that.

Leah: But that's why we find contactless delivery.

Nick: That's when we get the etiquette solution that works for you. Okay, we found it!

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is, quote, "A couple of years ago, I got to know a guy casually through my favorite dry cleaner in a smaller Pennsylvania city. At one point, I gave him my number and suggested we grab drinks sometime, but he never followed up. When I visited about a month ago, he immediately recognized me and apologized, explaining he'd been focused on finishing his degree, but now that he's graduated, he'd love to take me up on that drink. The twist is that I now live in the Midwest and can't just pop by anymore. I'll be back in town soon, but only for one night. I know where he works—the dry cleaner—and I've also found him on LinkedIn. I'd love to give him a heads up about my visit, but I'm trying very hard not to wander into creepy territory. For what it's worth, the vibe seemed mutual. He apologized unprompted, and even noticed my new haircut after seven months, which makes me think the interest might be there. Romantic or not, he seems like someone I genuinely enjoy getting to know. So what's the most polite path forward? Option A, send a friendly LinkedIn message. Option B, call the dry cleaner to leave a message. Option C, let this long-delayed drink remain a charming what-if. Follow-up question: if it's appropriate to reach out, what kind of timeframe should I give him? I was thinking two to three weeks and dropping my number for finalizing plans."

Leah: I would take LinkedIn off the table.

Nick: Oh, interesting! Okay. All right, we'll discuss.

Leah: Would you not?

Nick: Well, my first thought is fortune favors the bold here. And so I say you absolutely need to give it a shot. And so you need to do that. We'll discuss how, but Option C, just have this a what-if in your life? No, we cannot have a Sliding Doors Gwyneth Paltrow moment.

Leah: My thing was that I think you could call.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: But I wouldn't leave a message. I would ask to speak with him.

Nick: Hmm. So I was thinking that the dry cleaner is a work thing, and this is a personal thing and we're, like, blending those two things together. And do I want to have a personal call at work like that? Like, that's kind of interesting.

Leah: Well, that's where I know him from.

Nick: But then what is that phone call like? "Hey, I'm not sure if you remember me. I'm the person with the haircut you noticed. I'd love to get that drink."

Leah: That would be the same thing as you would have to say in an email.

Nick: Right. But at least on LinkedIn, it has my profile, it has my photo, like, there's a little more context.

Leah: I guess my fear about LinkedIn—and I thought of that. I was like, is it weird to call somebody's work? Once we LinkedIn them, it's now showing that we've done research.

Nick: That's true. That does feel a little creepier because, like, oh, I had to find you.

Leah: I had to find you.

Nick: And also LinkedIn is also kind of a work thing, too. And that's probably related to the degree he got or whatever he's doing in that field. Hmm. I mean, can we not find him on Instagram? Can we not find a personal profile?

Leah: I don't know why it makes me feel weird that it's like, oh, you looked me up.

Nick: No, you're onto something there. I was cooler about the LinkedIn thing until I heard you say it. And then I was like, oh, right. That actually is like—that required me to find you.

Leah: I'm finding you.

Nick: Like, what's the worst that happens? Like, okay, this person was really interested in me. They made an effort to find me online. They did. They sent me a message. Is it creepy even if I wasn't interested? If I'm interested, it's not creepy. If I'm not interested, does that still read as creepy?

Leah: The thing is, what if I might be interested and how I get contacted is the thing that makes me ...

Nick: Okay, so let's go back to your dry cleaner concept. I'm calling the dry cleaners. "Hello, dry cleaners. How can I help you?"

Leah: "Hi, is Chad there?"

Nick: "Oh yeah, Chad, someone's on the phone for you. Can I ask who's calling?"

Leah: "Sure. My name is Lisa. I just was in there a few weeks ago and I asked him a question. I want to follow up."

Nick: Oh, you're good! Okay. "Hi, this is Chad."

Leah: "Hi, Chad, it's Lisa. I don't know if you remember me. I was in a few weeks ago, and we talked about grabbing a drink. And I actually moved, but I'm gonna be in town next week. Just wanted to check in and say hi, see if you'd still be up for it."

Nick: Okay. I mean, if I'm Chad, would I put it all together this quickly? Probably.

Leah: I also would not call more than a week and a half out. Three weeks in advance feels like too much.

Nick: Three weeks is too much. Yeah. I think a week in advance is good. "I'm gonna be in town next week. Wanted to see if you're still free for that drink."

Leah: And you say, "I'm only in town for one night."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, if you're only in town for whatever you're in town for, then yeah, that should be good.

Leah: Because if you weren't in town for only one night, then you could actually stop by the dry cleaners and give them a heads up I'm in town for a week.

Nick: Yes. I mean, ultimately that would be the best thing. Like, if you were still in this town, just go to the dry cleaner and be like, "Hi, let's get that drink now."

Leah: Also, if Chad says he can't and you get the idea that he doesn't follow it up with, "But I'd love to in the future," and he just says, "Oh, I'm unavailable," you cannot go to that dry cleaner anymore.

Nick: Oh yeah. No, that's over. But wait, I visited about a month ago and he said he'd love to take me up on that drink. Why did we not do something then?

Leah: Well, they didn't.

Nick: I was in the dry cleaners.

Leah: They didn't. We can't go back in time, Nick.

Nick: No, but I mean, I wonder if he feels rejected.

Leah: I mean, we don't have these facts. We can't—all we know is that it didn't happen. They said this. What do we do next?

Nick: But if he does feel a little rejected, does that affect our approach now? Do we need to be a little more bold or a little more forthcoming?

Leah: I think calling somebody out of the blue and asking them if they want to go out next Wednesday because I'll be in town is pretty bold.

Nick: That's true. And I like it. I think you should do it.

Leah: I'm just saying about the email thing, as somebody who has gone on dates with some people who ended up being really creepy, my flags would go off.

Nick: Yeah, I like the calling.

Leah: Hey, I met you where you worked in like a casual—it's not like a business office where we were on the same project and I should—so then we would have LinkedIn people in common. It's not that. It's I walked into where you worked, I then found you online. It just feels—even though I don't think our letter-writer is nefarious in any way, we don't know what that person's experience has been, and I don't think we want to throw up any flags.

Nick: No, you make excellent points. I'm totally off this LinkedIn idea now. Yeah. No, LinkedIn is the wrong move. So you're gonna call, you're gonna get them on the phone. We're not gonna leave a message. I think we need to try to get them live if possible.

Leah: Yeah, because they might be like, no personal calls at work kind of a place, so we don't want to leave that message with their boss.

Nick: Right. So try this, see how this goes, report back.

Leah: Please do. I mean, you never know.

Nick: You never know. Well Leah, don't you remember that we gave advice to somebody years and years and years ago in one of our earliest episodes, and we were basically like, give this person another chance.

Leah: Did they get married?

Nick: They got married.

Leah: That's right! That's right, Nick! I'd forgotten!

Nick: So the lesson, the lesson here is that you should listen to us.

Leah: I forgot that. Why is that not on the front of our website?

Nick: Yeah, we really should promote that more, that we do good things out there.

Leah: And that people find love.

Nick: People find love through our show.

Leah: Through Were You Raised By Wolves?

Nick: We're incredible, Leah.

Leah: I love how I keep being like, "People are finding love and things," and you're like, "We're good. We're good."

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: And I'm like, no, but it's making people happy. And you're like, yeah, but we're good.

Nick: Yeah, because of us, Leah. Yes, we are the catalyst. Yes.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "I'm hoping you can help and/or talk me down. I sent out invites for my nine-year-old son's first group hangout party that he's hosting next month, for which he is adorably, sweetly, unbelievably excited. And I just got this reply from one of the moms. I know what I want to say, but I know I can't match rudeness with rudeness. But I mean, what is this? Is she asking how cool this party will be on behalf of her 10-year-old? All the other guests responded enthusiastically, so at least we have that."

Nick: So this letter-writer sent us the receipts. We have a text message screenshot. So Leah, please describe what you see.

Leah: Okay, so it's a screenshot.

Nick: Yep.

Leah: As Nick said, which we love.

Nick: Love it.

Leah: Looks really fun.

Nick: It's a nice little graphic.

Leah: Very fun. And underneath the invite is our letter-writer's text, which says "Andrew is having a, quote, 'bros night,' his term. [upside down smiley face], in a few weeks and is hoping that Chad can come!"

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: Chad's mom writes back: "C is available. He is interested. He's inquiring about the guest list. [laughing face]"

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: Mmm.

Nick: So our letter-writer wants to know how, like, how do you respond to this? Because as we know, this is rude.

Leah: It's so rude.

Nick: Asking for the guest list as a condition of whether or not you reply, this is not good.

Leah: Yeah, it's like, "I'm so cool, I need to know who's there."

Nick: And there are times when you might want to know the guest list—if you have a sworn enemy, if there's a health and safety reason why you cannot be at a party with a certain person, okay. This is not that.

Leah: This is not that.

Nick: This is not anywhere close to that. And so yeah, this is a little rude. And so the question is, how do we respond to this without adding more rudeness?

Leah: I wrote out two options, Nick.

Nick: Okay, let's hear it.

Leah: Because I don't think we should answer the question.

Nick: Oh, absolutely not! No, that is not a world we live in. We do not divulge the guest list. No. Full stop.

Leah: So this is what I wrote. "Wow. Okay."

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: "[laughy face] [laughy face]" Because I love that this person put a laughy face after their son's rude question. "He wants to know who's there. [laughy face]" "Wow. Okay. [laughy face] [laughy face] Well, it's my son's birthday, so he'll be there, plus other people from the class."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then my other option was to write back, "LOLOLOL."

Nick: Oh, okay. So I believe the brief was that we needed to respond in a non-rude way.

Leah: Those are significantly less rude.

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: Somebody said to my child, "Well, who's gonna be there?" This is the politest I could be.

Nick: Okay. I mean, I think I understand where we're coming from. I share your sentiment. I think the best response is just: "The guest list is still coming together. I would love to have Chad there." Send.

Leah: I mean, if you want to send something completely benign.

Nick: I kind of do. But let's go back to this screenshot we were sent, because I did a little deeper forensics on it. And I don't know if our letter-writer intended to divulge this additional information, but it was in the pixels. And I have found it. So above the invitation that our letter-writer wanted us to review, there's a previous message from Chad's mom.

Leah: [gasps] Oh, I didn't even look at that!

Nick: Yes! Because it's sort of blurry. It's scrolled up. It is not the focus of this. So in reviewing the pixels, I see a message from our letter-writer that says, "Hope Chad can make it!" And Lisa writes back at that time: "Thank you for the invitation, but I think Chad has a conflict that day. I'll let you know." And then there's no response until three months later, our kind letter-writer sends the bros night invitation. And so this was not a one-off from Lisa. This is a pattern.

Leah: Yeah. Which makes me lean even harder into the "LOLOLOL."

Nick: Also, let's talk about the phrasing, "Chad is available." That's not enthusiasm. That's just, Chad's available.

Leah: No, that's, "We have this date free. We're deciding whether or not this is what's gonna go into that date."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Which I don't want that around my kid.

Nick: Yeah, that's a good point. I don't love those vibes. Yeah, that's not the spirit I want here.

Leah: That's not the spirit I want.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Take that elsewhere. But I understand that our letter-writer wants an appropriate, nicer response.

Nick: Then maybe the response is just, "The guest list is still coming together." And then maybe we do not express any hope that Chad can attend. We just say, "Guest list is coming together." And then maybe there's an emoji that is friendly, so smiley face, or shrug emoji?

Leah: How about this, "Guest list is still coming together, don't worry about it. [laughy face]"

Nick: "Don't worry about it." Okay.

Leah: Like, don't even bother coming.

Nick: Oh. Ooh! Does "don't worry about it" mean, like, don't worry about the party? Forget about the invitation?

Leah: Well, she can read into that because she sent me, "We're available, but give us the exact details. [laughy face]" It's the laughy face that really bothers me.

Nick: I would say that's fine if this is the last year of this school in this grade and everybody's going to different schools next year. Maybe that's fine. But if this is a parent or a child that's gonna be in your child's life for any period of time longer, then I don't know if we want to start that linguistic battle.

Leah: Nick, give a bully an inch, they take a mile.

Nick: Okay. All right.

Leah: So I think that our wonderful letter-writer who's throwing an amazing party for her son that looks so fun—like I would love to go to that party.

Nick: Oh, absolutely.

Leah: We just respond: "Oh, that is so funny that he would ask that." Because that's what that a laughy sign means. So funny that he would ask that. So I'm just gonna, plausible deniability, also joke. "Oh, that's so funny. [laughy face] [laughy face] [laughy face]" That's my whole response. Three laughy faces and you get nothing else.

Nick: Okay. Oh wait, three laughy faces. Okay, I kind of like that because it's sort of like, "Ha ha ha ha ha."

Leah: Oh, that is so funny.

Nick: I am returning your laughiness.

Leah: I'm returning your laughiness. And then Chad's mom would have to be like, "Oh no, I meant it. Who's coming to the party?"

Nick: Right.

Leah: They have to double down on asking that question without the laughy face.

Nick: Right. I do kind of like the idea of putting her on the spot if she really wants to know.

Leah: If she really wants to know, she needs to feel how rude her question is.

Nick: And she'll have to be like, "Oh no. Really. Who's coming?"

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Okay, I'm coming around on this.

Leah: And let me just say—because I don't have kids and I'm sure there are so many layers I don't understand—I feel like if it was a mom to another mom, "Hey, is this just kids in his grade coming?" That's a different question.

Nick: Oh, absolutely.

Leah: So that's not what this is.

Nick: No, this is, "Are the kids coming to this party cool enough for my son?"

Leah: Yeah. "Are they people I like?"

Nick: "Are they worthy of my attendance?"

Leah: That's why it's rude. If it was a mom to another mom, like, "This is all people we know, right?" That's fine. That's not what this is.

Nick: Right. Or, like, "Are other parents chaperoning?" Or any of that.

Leah: Regular questions.

Nick: Right. Yeah. No, the fact that it definitely has the flavor of, "Oh, what's in it for me? Like, what connections can I make? What kind of social climbing can I do at your party?"

Leah: [laughs] That's literally what this is. It's like it's a Hollywood party. "Is the director gonna be there?"

Nick: Yeah, actually it is exactly that. It is exactly that. Like, "What's in it for me? How will this advance my career?"

Leah: "At least a producer. Is at least a producer there?"

Nick: "Associate producer?"

Leah: "Only a line producer?" [laughs]

Nick: Second unit? So thank you for this great question. I hope this helps. I'll be very curious to hear how this goes. This party does look fun, though.

Leah: It looks so fun. Please go with the laughy faces. Please.

Nick: So you out there, do you have any questions for us? Oh yes, you do! Send them to us through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com, or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message. And no, I'm gonna look at the whole screen.

Leah: That was such a good catch, Nick, and that's so you. I was like, "This part's not for me, I'm not gonna look at it," and you thought, "I'm digging."

Nick: You can text us at (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back, and now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or Repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: Nick, I'm gonna vent.

Nick: Okay, let's hear it. What has happened?

Leah: [sighs] And let me say, this is one of those times where knowing that I could vent about this with our Wolves family really lowered my blood pressure.

Nick: It is helpful to know there's a place to put it.

Leah: So let me set the scene.

Nick: Please.

Leah: I'm in Studio City.

Nick: Ooh!

Leah: I'm getting my hair cut and colored.

Nick: Uh-huh.

Leah: The parking on the street is full. I pull—I hang a right. So I'm parking in the Hills.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I drive up a residential street. You know, it's in the Hills, it's windy, it's curvy. There's only parking allowed on one side.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So then I turn around, I park on that side.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I get my hair done. I have a great time. Fabulous. I'm in the best mood of my life.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, there's nothing that makes somebody feel more powerful than getting your hair done.

Leah: I mean, it just—I mean, it really cleans the slate.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: So I go back to my car, and it's very up there, hilly, windy.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: So now I am going down the hill with the cars that are parked. There's nowhere for me to pull over.

Nick: Right.

Leah: The other side has the ability to pull over. They can pull into the gravel. I'm driving down. I am now in a place where there's really nowhere. It's so close. This woman starts driving. She's not pulling over.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I look at her through the window like, "Is this real? She looks at me and then I go, I'm not fighting. I then reverse up through curves, pull into the spot I was originally in in one shot, let me say.

Nick: Well done.

Leah: In my mind I go, we're letting it go, it's not worth it. I just got my hair cut, I'm in a great mood. She gives me a look when she realizes what she did, "Sorry, I'm an idiot." She gave me that look.

Nick: Okay, I appreciate that.

Leah: And I was like, I get it, sometimes you're not paying attention, you know what I mean? You don't realize what you're doing. Fine. I give her a wave like, "Yeah, it happens."

Nick: It totally—yeah, okay.

Leah: So then I'm driving down, another car is coming up. They see, oh, this person can't pull over, they would have to back up the mountain. They pull over so I can pass. The car behind them comes up, they pull over. Then—I'm trying to think of a nice word—this—I mean, what kind of a narcissist? Two people have pulled over to let me through. I start going down again. He guns it like he's gonna run over me if I don't back up.

Nick: Ooh, he's got somewhere to be!

Leah: No, he didn't have somewhere to be. He was just being like, "I don't move."

Nick: Nice.

Leah: There's nowhere to be. You're in the Hills. If there's somewhere to be, you're on the 101, you know what I mean? And he wasn't going fast before, it's just when the people pulled over and I started going down, he was like, "I don't want to have to wait for this. I'm pulling out," knowing that I had nowhere to go if he pulls out. So then he just keeps coming towards me, and I guess I could have sat there forever, but now we have multiple people waiting on the side of the road.

Nick: Okay, so this was an interesting strategy.

Leah: He's such a poo-poo head. So I just back up again. And then when I tell you I'd already used all my energy getting it in one shot the first time? Ooh! Didn't pull in all the way. Let me pull out again. Oh, didn't pull in all the way. Let me pull out again. He gets around me. I just look at him like, "What pile of trash did you just climb out of?"

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: And then I drive back down. I get to where everybody's waiting to let me go. Everybody else gets it.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I roll down my window. I say to those people, "Thank you so much for pulling over for me."

Nick: So you say this to, like, three different cars?

Leah: I said it loud enough so everybody could hear it. But I said it directly to the first car who started ...

Nick: The movement.

Leah: The polite revolution.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And he said, "No problem." And then we both looked back behind us at this subhuman rude rudester who needs to go to Narcitraz.

Nick: Nicely done.

Leah: Isle of Ooh. Jerks and Rudos.

Nick: Jerks and Fakos.

Leah: Jerks and Fakos? They look back at him. We all roll our eyes like, who is this person? Because we all know this person. This person is not in a hurry. They don't not get what's going on. They're just like, everything's about me. So then we all collectively are like, "Ugh!" But I got a sincere thank-you out to be like ...

Nick: Nice!

Leah: ... I really appreciate good people. And they were like, "It's not a problem." And then we got the collective eye roll out. And then I was driving down and I wanted to be like, we need to follow that person and put them on our list. And I go, you know what? You're gonna put your music on. You're gonna enjoy your haircut, and you're gonna talk about it with your Wolves fam and get it out.

Nick: Get it out. Okay, so you do feel better?

Leah: Also, there were multiple cars that pulled over and only one person that was a poo face.

Nick: It's a numbers game. It's all about percentages.

Leah: It was a win, but also, ugh!

Nick: Ugh. Yeah, that's gross. Well, speaking of ugh—I would like to vent. So I was in Singapore not too long ago, and I had forgotten that this happened, but then I was recently reminded of this song. And so when traveling to Singapore from New York, I was on the nonstop flight, which is a very long day. And it begins quite early, so you need to get to the airport super early. And so it's sort of like before sunrise. And you are just trying to psych yourself up for this 19-hour flight.

Leah: Woo!

Nick: And yeah, it's a long day. And you just kind of want to get into a calm place. You want to center yourself. And so here I am in the lounge, and I'm just settling in, just trying to hydrate, get ready. And the music that this lounge has decided to play at 5:30 in the morning is wild!

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So Leah, I'm going to send you a link to the song that was playing, because obviously I Shazammed it in real time because I was like, "What is this?" And Leah's gonna listen to it. And as Leah listens, I'm going to give our audience a little background on what this song is. So Leah, have a listen.

Leah: Okay. And this is being played in a lounge in the morning. Oh, here we go. No! No! Nope!

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Wow!

Nick: Describe this music.

Leah: Let me pause it, because it's so aggressive that I actually can't respond to you in real time.

Nick: It is so aggressive.

Leah: It is—well, it brings up panic. These are the feelings I feel: panic, urgency, movement, running.

Nick: Yep.

Leah: Go, go, go, go. It's like techno.

Nick: Yeah. No, it's definitely techno. Yes. And so what this is is a song called "Das Boot," which means "the boat." And it's from a German group called U96. And this is from 1991, and it is basically a Cold War submarine-themed techno rave "music," to use a term. Because we're gonna call this music. I sound like such an old person, being like, "What is this racket?"

Leah: "I guess we're gonna call it music."

Nick: [laughs] It is music. I mean, it is peak early '90s European rave culture.

Leah: I was gonna say it's very rave-y. Very rave-y.

Nick: And it was on the German charts for 13 weeks. So very popular. I can see why this was in the rotation of some playlist that was being used. But it has, like, submarine pings and it's just—I'll post a link to it in the show notes if you want to experience the magic for yourself. But just having this go on, I mean, it's so—it's sort of like if you're thinking of, like, oh, what is a cliché German techno song? What would be the archetype of this? And this is what this is.

Leah: Like, you immediately start sweating, and you feel like you should be, like, hard-lifting something and then dancing with it aggressively.

Nick: Yeah. This is not spa music.

Leah: [laughs] It is not spa music.

Nick: And it doesn't make you feel like you're in the right space to get on a small enclosed tube for 19 hours.

Leah: No, it does not!

Nick: It is not inspiring that feeling. And so I just want to know who picked this, because you would think Singapore Airlines, they're a fairly curated corporation. Like, they give a lot of thought to all of the guest elements, and you would think the lounge experience they would also care a lot about, sort of like the whole experience. And I think music is part of that. And I guess somebody just wasn't paying attention that day.

Leah: Or it's just somebody who that's their thing, and they were like, "I'm gonna slip it in this morning, nobody's gonna stop me."

Nick: Or maybe the idea is like, let's make this so unpleasant in the lounge that when you get aboard, you feel relaxed in comparison.

Leah: Oh, that's when you're like, "Oh, thank goodness"!

Nick: And so you're like, "Oh, finally I'm away from all that. Oh, I can relax now."

Leah: And I'm so happy to be away from it for 19 hours.

Nick: Oh, I wonder if that's what it is! Maybe it actually is deliberate. So you out there, check out "Das Boot" from U96, and add that to your next evening wind-down-before-you-go-to-bed playlist.

Leah: You could set your morning alarm to it, though.

Nick: It's too much for the morning.

Leah: Just wake up in a full panic.

Nick: It is too much. This is not how I want to start the day. No. Thank you so much. Dankeschön.

Leah: Dankeschön.

Nick: [laughs]

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: So I learned all about Erin Meyer and The Culture Map.

Nick: Yeah. Isn't that interesting?

Leah: It's really interesting. Really interesting.

Nick: Right? And I learned that the laughing emoji really sends you.

Leah: It sends me when it's not funny. What you're saying is not funny, and then you're trying to be like, "Isn't that funny?" When you're like, you know it's rude. And that's why you're putting the laughing emoji, because you're trying to grease-slide it by me.

Nick: Yeah. You're trying to sugarcoat it.

Leah: You're not even sugarcoating it. That's not even sugarcoating. That's being like, "Hahahaha!"

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, we need more nice reviews. We've got a bunch. I need more, because I just need to get that little dopamine hit that happens every time I see a new review is posted. And so please do that. And if you've already written a review, you can go in and update it. And there are lots of places that take reviews. Apple Podcasts, a great spot. You can rate our show on Spotify. In most any player you use, you can probably rate us. And so please leave us a nice review because it really makes my day and I need the validation.

Leah: Well, more than it being about Nick, it helps people find our show.

Nick: Sure. I mean, there's also that, too. Yes. It helps people discover our show, and it helps our show grow. Which I think we all want as a collective. And so please do that.

Leah: Also, Nick got a review that recently hurt his feelings, so you need to go in there and fix it.

Nick: It really hit a little harder than it should have. Yeah. I mean, sidebar: it was about my hot take on bubbles, and somebody just was really not into it and really wanted to let me know. And let me tell you, your feedback has been heard and I really took it to heart. And so I'm really gonna give myself a good hard look about how I really feel about bubbles and if that's fair. And so thank you for that feedback. But because of your three-star review, I need more people to leave five-star reviews to try and cancel this out. And so listeners, I'm asking you, leave some good five-star reviews for me.

Leah: I'm delighted that you shared with our Wolves family because I think it's important to know that your feelings were hurt and that you're thinking about it really hard.

Nick: Behind this carapace of precision and properness is a real person. There's a gooey center. And so yes, I really do take all the feedback to heart, good and bad. And so for that reason, I need more good.

Leah: [laughs] Thank you for sharing.

Nick: So please do that, and we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah, it's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: So I want to thank my very good friend Macy, who's also a hilarious comic—check her out, Macy Isaacs. I get very overwhelmed, and I feel like especially the more things I have to do, the harder it is for me to start. And because I've been coming and going to this apartment so many times, I've just had piles of different suitcases with different trips, and then piles of paper and, like, mail. And I said, "Can you please come to my house and just sit here? And if I just give up, just be like, 'I don't think you need to give up.'" And then we'll just have friend time, regular conversations, but will you just be in the house with me?

Nick: So don't help, just exist in the room.

Leah: Yeah. You don't need to help at all. I just need you to remind me when I go to get overwhelmed. Because I'll get overwhelmed, I'll lay on the floor, I can't do it. I watch Lord of the Rings, it rolls downhill and it gets worse. Just be like, "Get in there," and then we'll just have friend talk. We will get a pizza, whatever. And she came over and she sat here and we chatted. And every time I went to be like, "I can't!" she was like, "You can!" And then I got it done.

Nick: I mean, how great is this?

Leah: It was just really the most wonderful thing.

Nick: How nice! Well, for me, I want to say thank you to you, Leah.

Leah: What?

Nick: Because you have made our show in Dallas come together. So as I'm sure all of you know, we're gonna be doing a live show in Dallas soon, and Leah did all the planning. She dealt with the venue, she dealt with the Dallas Comedy Club, she got all the contract stuff done, she is doing all the planning. And it's amazing. It's like I just have to show up.

Leah: Nick!

Nick: So thank you, I really appreciate you making it all happen.

Leah: Well, Nick, you make so much happen.

Nick: Yeah. No, so I appreciate when other people also help do the thing.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So thank you.

Leah: Thank you.