Waiting on Forgotten Gifts, Noticing New Wigs, Gossiping About Monarchs, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is quote, "My workplace did a Secret Santa. When the day came for the exchange, I brought in a beautifully wrapped and personalized gift for my person. I received no gift. I told the organizer of the Secret Santa, and she said she would remind the person who drew my name. The person texted me and said she's so sorry and that she will give me the gift tomorrow. As of today, I still have not received a gift. What is the etiquette here? My Santa has clearly violated the agreement we all entered into in signing up for this exchange."

Leah: Obviously, I was devastated by this.

Nick: Yeah. And it has to do with Christmas?

Leah: Christmas.

Nick: Oh! I mean, that really gets you.

Leah: Straight to the heart, Nick.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Also, I mean, they—they did. They violated—they went into it. They said, "I'll do the Secret Santa," and then they didn't hold up their part of the agreement.

Nick: It is a binding contract.

Leah: It is a binding contract. And my thought is I would like for this letter-writer to send me their address.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: And I will send them a Secret Santa gift.

Nick: And I would like this letter-writer to send me the name and address of the person who did not get them a gift, and I will do something different.

Leah: Ooh!

Nick: [laughs] But yeah, I mean, this is rude. I mean, of course this is rude. And I think what is actually particularly problematic is that we took an etiquette misdemeanor, which was forgetting to bring the gift for Secret Santa, and then we turned it into an etiquette felony by saying you're gonna bring it in tomorrow and then not doing that.

Leah: It was a felony for me right from the go because it's Christmas. And ...

Nick: But I mean, things happen.

Leah: Yes, things happen. And then you go, "Oh, I forgot!"

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Our letter-writer had to reach out to somebody to have them reach out to the person. That's not, "Oh, I forgot."

Nick: Yeah. Well ...

Leah: That's that person shouldn't have been participating.

Nick: You should have brought the gift. I mean, to forget is really unacceptable, but the promising I'm gonna bring it in tomorrow and then that not happening—and clearly we got this letter many days later.

Leah: Yeah, this is many tomorrows later.

Nick: Yes, it's been many tomorrows.

Leah: Also, the thing is is that I can imagine not remembering to bring the gift, but you're at work. This is a workplace. You see everybody else getting their Secret Santa.

Nick: Right. I mean, unless she just wasn't there that day.

Leah: I love how this is the situation where I refuse to give any leeway. She was there, she saw everybody else doing it.

Nick: She got a gift.

Leah: She got a gift.

Nick: But now so much time has passed. I mean, ugh!

Leah: I also think that at this point, our letter-writer—there's nothing to be done. They've already said they didn't bring it. They reached out to them, they said they were gonna bring it. I will send them a gift, and then next year when the office workplace does it, say, "Hey, last year I never got my gift. So this year when I participate, I just want to make sure everybody who's participating actually wants to participate."

Nick: Mm, no. Lisa—Lisa needs to be punished.

Leah: You want to follow up again?

Nick: Well, I feel like at this point I don't want your white strawberry bellini Yankee Candle. Like, I don't want it. Like, don't bring me anything at this point. But I do want the organizer to know that, like, I still never got a gift. I don't want a gift at this point, but you need to know this about Lisa. She should not participate next year. She's ineligible. She broke the code.

Leah: Oh, and you don't think we should wait 'til next year to say it? You think we should go do it now?

Nick: Well, I think that I would like to close the loop on this year, which is like, "Hey, just so you know." And then as we're planning for next year, I think if it's the same organizer and if Lisa is still working there, I feel like we might want just to be like, "Hey, can you just make sure that Lisa doesn't get my name again this year? Because, like, I would like to get a gift."

Leah: Okay, so you would do it twice.

Nick: I feel like I might do it twice.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: I don't know. I mean, I just feel like Lisa's getting off scot-free here.

Leah: Yeah, but the real Santa knows. She's on the naughty list, Nick.

Nick: Actually, would I want to draw her name next year and then just give her coal?

Leah: No, because in the spirit of Christmas, you would have to rise above.

Nick: Ugh! That's so unsatisfying.

Leah: [laughs] I think that if you drew her name, you could say to the person running it, "I don't wanna give her a gift. She never gave me my gift."

Nick: Yeah. Okay. I mean, is that petty?

Leah: And then you play the song "Bad Blood."

Nick: Oh, there you go. Yeah, but I do feel like she broke the social contract.

Leah: She broke the social contract.

Nick: And I don't know if I want to give this person another chance.

Leah: Yeah. But we're not giving them an—you're not gonna draw—she's not gonna draw their name next year.

Nick: Yeah. No, that's true.

Leah: And if she does, she could just be like, "I'm dropping it back in. Don't even ask. I'm dropping it back in. I'm pulling somebody else. They had me last year and they never followed through, so obviously I can't have this person."

Nick: I would be so mortified. I would be so mortified if I did this. If I forgot to get someone a gift, I would be so apologetic. I would certainly make sure that the gift I got was gonna be way better than what I was originally planning on getting. Like, I would really try to make it up to you.

Leah: Yeah. I'm so sorry this happened.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: For a secret Santa.

Nick: So, all right, send Leah your address. Something's coming your way.

Leah: Something's coming. I hope you get my cooking because wow!

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Some baked goods. Woo!

Nick: Oh, get excited. So our next question is quote, "One of my young employees just started wearing a new wig because of an unfortunate struggle with hair loss. It's a nice wig made with real hair, but it looks drastically different from before. Is there a polite way to respond or react to seeing her in the new wig for the first time, or is the polite thing to refrain from acknowledging it until she brings it up? Here are a few additional details. I'm the boss of a small office of women and I'm the only man. My immediate reaction was to look right at her new hair and say, 'Whoa, you've definitely done something new.' She was grateful I acknowledged it and offered a brief explanation. I followed up with a kind compliment. A female employee had the opposite reaction. She chose not to say a word and still hasn't. She feels awkward and I feel at peace."

Leah: I definitely think we're in this place where people are now so uncomfortable about what they're supposed to say and not supposed to say.

Nick: Yeah, that's true.

Leah: And I mean, for good reason, because for a long time people were just saying things that they shouldn't be saying at all. So I get that.

Nick: That's true.

Leah: But I do think that in a situation like this, like, this person knows they have a new hairstyle.

Nick: Yes. They know they have a wig.

Leah: And they know that you know.

Nick: Right. Yeah. There's no secrets here.

Leah: So I think you could just say, "I love your new hairstyle."

Nick: Yeah. I think that's appropriate given the context here. But I think a few ground rules. In general, commenting on people's looks is always dicey, especially in a professional setting. I mean, we want to compliment people's accomplishments, something that they did well, like, "Oh, I really loved your presentation today. I really liked how you handled the client in the call today." Like, that is an ideal professional compliment. I think, though, ignoring this completely? I think that's actually, like, a little awkward for everybody involved. And so I do think saying something is allowed here, and I think just something that recognizes the change is okay. So like, "Hey, love the new look."

Leah: And I think it's recognizing in a positive way.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: Not, "Oh, new hair?"

Nick: Right. Yeah, don't say it that way.

Leah: Yeah, don't. Because when people do that—people often do that, and then it's so open-ended that you're like, am I being insulted?

Nick: Right. Yeah. And I think you want to say something in a way that doesn't pry, doesn't, like, ask them to justify anything, doesn't make them explain anything. Just like, "Hey, love the new look."

Leah: Yeah, "Love the new look."

Nick: And if they want to explain or they want to offer more details, like, that's great, but otherwise, like, leave it at that. It's just a new style choice.

Leah: Agreed.

Nick: So our next question is quote, "I have a question about communicating in different languages. I am the customer service point of contact for a small business. We do international business, and I often receive emails or messages in another language. While it's an easy thing to run the message or email through Google Translate, I was wondering about the etiquette of it all. Should I respond in English or should I respond in their own language? And is it up to the receiver of the message to translate it or to the sender to do the initial translation?"

Leah: I think very important to this conversation is that our letter-writer is in the customer service position.

Nick: Yes. This is a business thing.

Leah: Yeah, it's business. And they're the one responding to the questions, not the person writing in.

Nick: Right. Okay. So given that, you say?

Leah: Given that, I would say run it through Google Translate.

Nick: Yeah, go for it. Yeah. Let the customer write how they want to write and then you deal with it.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yes. And I think you make an important point, which is there is a difference between business etiquette and social etiquette when we're communicating. If this was social etiquette, often the burden would be on the person sending the message, talking, to accommodate those that they're talking to.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: A good example of how we as the sender of the message would accommodate the receiver is let's say I'm talking to somebody who is maybe hard of hearing. I would speak up. I would not ask them to do something differently. Or let's say I'm talking to somebody where English is their second language. I would speak more slowly, or I would use word choices that are less esoteric. And so I would accommodate my speech for that person. And that's proper in social etiquette.

Leah: We haven't had a question like this before.

Nick: No.

Leah: And it made me realize how many things that are gonna come in that I would be like, "Oh, I never thought of that."

Nick: You mean future potential scenarios that have never been contemplated?

Leah: Yes!

Nick: Oh, there's gonna be a lot, Leah. I mean, we have not covered everything.

Leah: And then I thought, should we do a deep dive on Google Translates?

Nick: Yes, that's a great idea. Yeah. Actually, let's put a pin in that. Let's actually put a pin in that.

Leah: Let's put a pin in that!

Nick: Yeah. One thought I did have about this whole Google Translate thing is I wonder if I could respond in both. So you sent me a message, I will write you back in English, and then I will also Google Translate what I just wrote into your language. And so you have both versions.

Leah: I like that.

Nick: So it's like, "Hey, here's, like, the precise English version of what I mean, but for your convenience, I'm translating this for you. I hope that's helpful, save you a step."

Leah: I really like that.

Nick: And so I wonder if that's the way to navigate this.

Leah: Because then also you also wonder, like, is Google Translate getting me?

Nick: I have definitely used Google Translate to translate things where I know both languages and I'm like, "Oh, I don't know if I would put it that way." So there are times when yeah, it is not as accurate as you'd want it to be, or it picks a weird word or it totally mistranslates. It just, like, didn't get what you meant or, like, you use some colloquialism or some turn of phrase and it just took it literally.

Leah: Yeah, that's why I think it's extra nice to have both, because maybe they were reading it and they go, "What is this?" And then they can look back at your letter and go figure it out.

Nick: Yeah. And if you've ever taken something in Google Translate, put it into a foreign language and then translated it back and see how it goes? Yeah, that could be interesting.

Leah: I've never used Google Translate.

Nick: Never?

Leah: No.

Nick: What are you doing?

Leah: Uh, I'm doing a lot of body movements when I need to communicate with people that I—where neither one of us speaks a common language.

Nick: Okay. So you just translate menus that way.

Leah: I'll just do a full act out.

Nick: You're acting out the chicken.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Uh-huh. Okay. I gotcha.

Leah: You want me on your charades team.

Nick: Oh, that is true. Oh, no argument here. Yeah. But oh no, Google Translate. Okay. Well, it's been pinned. We will unpin it soon. So our next question is quote, "I am going over to dinner at a friend's house tomorrow night, and she only drinks Chardonnay. So I went to my little local wine shop and had the owner, whose opinion I really value, recommend a bottle. I don't know what we're having for dinner, though, so my big question is, as it's white, do I take it cold in the gift bag or do I leave it at room temperature?"

Leah: I feel like if you take it cold, you are giving the idea that you expect them to use it that evening.

Nick: Hmm. Interesting! Okay. That's your take on that. It feels presumptuous.

Leah: Well, not presumptuous, but—because I don't think our letter-writer means that, but I feel like if you leave it at room temp, you say, "Oh, I just—for you anytime."

Nick: Okay. Interesting. Because you are correct. The rule is you cannot have the expectation that anything you're bringing is actually gonna be served or used that night. It is a gift for the host to do with as they please.

Leah: But I mean, it could also be a gift chilled.

Nick: Right. But interesting that your thought was like, oh, if it's cold, you'll be sending the signal, like, oh, I hope you serve it tonight.

Leah: Well, it gives that vibe like it's ready to go.

Nick: Well, because it is.

Leah: It's ready to go.

Nick: I mean, it's not sending the vibe of like, oh, I just wanted to give you options.

Leah: We could give it to them and say, "I kept it chilled, but for whenever you want."

Nick: I think we just hand it over and we just don't say anything. "Hey, I know you love Chardonnay. Thanks so much for having me." And just leave it at that.

Leah: Okay, that's nice.

Nick: Right? I mean, let's just, like, not talk about the temperature.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: Also, most people do serve their chardonnays way too cold. And, like, the ideal temperature for a chardonnay is around 50 degrees. Maybe a little colder for some, maybe a little warmer but, like, I think 45 degrees is the coldest I'd want to see, 55 on the upper end of the range. And so, like, that is way warmer than your fridge. So I'm sure you don't, like, live in the same apartment building or something so, like, there is gonna be some time between your fridge and this party, so the wine will warm up a little bit. But, like, handing a bottle of wine that's 50 degrees even does not read as, like, oh, this is chilled, ready to serve. Like, that's not gonna send the signal of, like, oh, I expect you to serve this. But it would give the option. So I think maybe just have it at the ideal temperature once you walk through the door and then just say nothing.

Leah: I like it.

Nick: Right? Okay, then that's what we're doing.

Leah: I've come—I see your way of thinking. I agree with you.

Nick: Great! So our next question is quote, "After getting married three years ago, I jumped through all the hoops of getting my last name changed to the same as my husband's. Since then, I have discovered that many of my close friends and even relatives have not actually learned to spell our last name correctly. It has a German double N at the end, and that poor second N is almost always neglected. Christmas cards, thank-you notes, and even contact information regularly appear with incorrect versions of our name. After three years, though, what am I to do? Is there a statute of limitations? Do I just let them figure it out as we consistently return letters and thank-you notes and Christmas cards with the correct spelling on the return address? Is it rude to respond to the receipt of mail and say something like, 'We got your lovely card! Thank goodness it didn't get lost, because it was addressed to someone else.'"

Leah: I'm wondering if there's a way that we can highlight the double N.

Nick: Sure. But before we get there, do you think there's a statute of limitations, or there's still an opportunity to do something about this?

Leah: I don't think there's a statute of limitations, because how would you have known that this many people would get it wrong this many times?

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I don't think it's too late to try to fix this.

Leah: It's not like where you've been going to the same person for so long and you didn't get their name the first time. And then you have multiple conversations and you're too far in to be like, "I never got your name."

Nick: Yeah, there is actually a point of no return for that.

Leah: Yeah, there—there's no return for that.

Nick: Yeah, I definitely have a lot of those in my life and yeah, I'm just never gonna know their name, and I'm just in a good place with that.

Leah: And that's when you try to send somebody else in.

Nick: Yeah. Well, just sidebar, if you're ever at an event or a cocktail party or some situation where you're talking to somebody and you don't remember their name and you really should know it, and you are there and I turn to you and I say, "Hey, This is Leah." If I do that, Leah, that is your signal to be like, "Hi, I'm Leah. Your name?"

Leah: Oh, I know.

Nick: Don't blow that.

Leah: I know, I know that.

Nick: Don't blow that. Yeah. No, Leah? Leah knows how to do this.

Leah: This is the universal "I do not know that person's name. Get in there and introduce yourself."

Nick: Get in there. Yeah. Don't leave me hanging. I actually remember I tried to do this with somebody and they'd just be like, "Hi, nice to meet you."

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And then walked off. I was like, "Oh, you blew it! You blew it." So yeah, don't do that. But for this, I had an idea. Let me run this by you.

Leah: I'm ready.

Nick: I think let's have a party, and let's have a theme party that's all about doubles. So we're gonna have it on March 3, April 4, November 11, and then it's gonna be all themed with twins or having second helpings or double pours. And all the food is gonna be things with double letters. There's gonna be bubbly, there's gonna be dessert, there's gonna be balloons, there's gonna be coffee cake, and we're gonna call it a Double N party. And I think that'll really, A) be fun; and then two, will really underline the fact that your name ends in a double N.

Leah: I mean, I think you could even say, "Since we have a double N, we are gonna have a double party."

Nick: Yeah! And I think you could then have the party with maybe somebody else, too. Like another person who has your same last name. And won't that be fun? But I think a double party where you highlight the fact that there's a double N in your name and there's just two of everything, I think this could work.

Leah: I really like your creative, out-of-the-box thinking here, Nick.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, don't you think that would work? I think that would actually work and be fun.

Leah: I think it would work.

Nick: And then I guess the question is: Is that too subtle? And would you invite people to this party who maybe, like, live across the country who are doing this, because I'm sure you have relatives, like, everywhere who are doing this to you.

Leah: Yeah. You would have to invite every single person.

Nick: Yeah, you would.

Leah: I mean, is it too subtle by saying, "Since our last name ends in double N?" I don't know if that's subtle.

Nick: I mean, that's not subtle, but then would somebody see that and then register, like, "Oh, I need to check my address book to see if I have them saved in my phone correctly." Would that happen?

Leah: I mean, the only other way is just call everybody up and be like, "Double N. Update your—update. Update it."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, there is the polite-yet-direct approach, which is like, if you get a card or a text or something, be like, "Hey, thank you so much for your card. Just so you know, our name has a double N at the end." Just, like, something neutral, non-judgmental, just like FYI. I think you could do that.

Leah: You could do that, or you could just be like, these people are gonna get it wrong for the rest of my life.

Nick: I mean, you could do that, but clearly it bothers our letter-writer, so I don't want them to have to live with this.

Leah: Well, the option that I came up with ...

Nick: Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Leah: No, no, don't be sorry. It's not a good ...

Nick: I'm just too excited about the party thing.

Leah: No, it's after hearing your party idea, this option is not good, but it was one of the ideas I thought of. You know how people send that Christmas card every year?

Nick: Sure.

Leah: Or a holiday card where they sum up the year?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I thought we could address it in the holiday card.

Nick: Okay, go on.

Leah: And maybe we have like a fun poem about nobody gets the double N.

Nick: Or maybe it is all doubles theme. So, like, "Greetings from the double N family. This year we doubled up on fun, and we doubled up on holiday vacations, and we doubled up on all sorts of other things. And we hope you all have a doubly-good New Year."

Leah: Because that again addresses the issue of will people then go update their information?

Nick: Yeah, I don't know.

Leah: So we could have the holiday or New Year card that goes out, and then at the bottom we say, "It has been pointed out to us by friends that it's hard to remember that we have two N's, so we're reminding everybody double N because we're double the fun."

Nick: Okay. Uh, I mean, it's a little cheesy, but not bad. Yeah, I'm not mad at it. I guess, is that in character for your family and your holiday cards? But not bad. "It's been brought to our attention." Although, I mean, that really calls some people out, though.

Leah: No, because you're saying somebody mentioned it. So if people are like, "Oh, I never mentioned it, then it wasn't them."

Nick: Well, somebody mentioned what? Oh, I've been spelling your name wrong the entire time?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Ah, okay.

Leah: But really it's—it's us that mentioned it.

Nick: Yes, we were the ones that are mentioning it.

Leah: Their friends don't have to know that.

Nick: That's true. Okay. Okay. Another idea I had was you know on the phone where it will, like, have—your photo will pop up depending on, like, what phone you have and you can save that?

Leah: Yes, it says update.

Nick: To change your photo to a double N. And that would be sort of, like, interesting. That might be too subtle.

Leah: Yeah, I actually don't know if people would get it.

Nick: Yeah, maybe not.

Leah: They'd be like, "Are their names Nancy and Nick?"

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Okay. Yeah, so the monogram is too subtle. Yeah. I was thinking you know how you got me a monogram toilet paper thing?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: If you got a double-N version of that for the bathroom, like, people would notice that.

Leah: But then you—everybody that you want to update would have to use your bathroom.

Nick: Well, I mean, this is why it's not a great plan, and you would also have to re-monogram it every time. But I thought I would notice the monogram. It's not a no.

Leah: And then this was another idea I had in related to "Thank goodness it didn't get lost because it was addressed to someone else." In that flavor.

Nick: That flavor is pretty rude, though. [laughs]

Leah: Yeah, in that flavor that I think that maybe we don't want to do, but we could circle the N in red ink.

Nick: Oh, okay.

Leah: And send it back.

Nick: Oh, return to sender.

Leah: Return to sender.

Nick: Yeah. You could just be like, "No such addressee. Did you mean the other family with a double N?" [laughs]

Leah: With the same name, but there's two Ns?

Nick: Yeah. You could get your postal service to participate. Sure. Loop them in on this. Yeah, return all these letters. Yeah.

Leah: I mean, it's just an idea.

Nick: Okay. Well, letter-writer, we have given you a lot of ideas. I think the double N party is super fun. I would enjoy attending if you'll host it. And so, you know, let me know where it is.

Leah: And I do think that during the party when, you know, bubbly is flowing and people are having their coffee cake.

Nick: Yeah. Or their espresso martinis.

Leah: [laughs] You could make an announcement. "This is a reminder for everybody. We are a double N! Update it! Save it!"

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that feels a little forced at that point. I mean, I'm having a whole double N-themed party, but if you wanted to specifically state it, I guess you could do this.

Leah: Or you could then the next year when you get letters with the single N, you could be like, "Rhonda, we had a whole double-N party!"

Nick: Yeah. Oh, actually, that is a nice way to do it. Yes. Be like, "Come on, Rhonda."

Leah: "Double N! You were there."

Nick: I guess it was a good party if she doesn't remember.

Leah: [laughs] That's true.

Nick: Right? So our last thing is a fun email I just got. And it's quote, "I don't mean to tell tales out of school, but I just received a holiday card from a certain ruling monarch, and the card was oriented incorrectly in the envelope. Let's not think of this as me shaming what is likely a very underpaid employee/intern. Let's think of this as gossip between friends."

Leah: I feel like this person writes in the tone of like a fun Bridgerton. I love it.

Nick: Oh, I was so delighted to receive this, because I love the idea. Well, A) etiquette gossip? I mean, that's my favorite kind. I mean, honestly.

Leah: When I got—when I read this, I was like, "Nick rolled himself up in this one and gently rocked himself to sleep."

Nick: Ah, I mean, I just want to print this out, save it in my pocket, look at it when I need a pick-me-up. So that's delightful. And then I love that it's a "certain ruling monarch." And I am aware that if you send a Christmas card to the king, King Charles III, you will get a card back. And I don't know what other ruling monarchs do this, so I'm assuming it's them.

Leah: I mean, that's also who I assumed it was as well.

Nick: Right? I think it's that. Also, I love that, you know, etiquette crimes, they go all the way to the top sometimes.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] And as a reminder, people, when you put a card in the envelope, the fold goes down and the design goes towards you as it's coming out of the envelope. So it is facing the back of the envelope. This is correct.

Leah: And that's not just gossip between friends.

Nick: No, that is ...

Leah: That's cold, hard etiquette facts.

Nick: Cold, hard etiquette facts.

Leah: If we were to do a sound effect right now ...

Nick: What is the sound effect for that?

Leah: Law & Order. Da-ding!

Nick: [laughs] Okay. So you out there, do you have any questions that need some cold, hard etiquette facts? Let us know! You can let us know through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!