Setting Dessert Cutlery Correctly, Attending New Year’s Eve Parties, Deflecting Donation Requests, and More

Nick: Do you set the table the wrong way? Do you bring your own confetti to parties? Do you ask strange questions? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

[Theme Song]

Here are things that can make it better

When we have to live together

We can all use a little help

So people don't ask themselves

Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: Let me hear it!

Nick: So for today's amuse bouche, I want to talk about the worst thing ever. Leah, what do you think the worst thing ever is?

Leah: When you let people into traffic and they don't wave.

Nick: [laughs] Still looking for that Kia, huh?

Leah: I'm still looking for a lot of people.

Nick: That's true. No, for today, I'm talking about when you go to, like, a historic museum in a house, and you're walking through, and then you get to the dining room and the dining room is set with all of the dishes and flatware, and it's set incorrectly. I'm talking about that horror.

Leah: Oh, I didn't—I didn't know you meant the worst thing ever.

Nick: Yes. I was talking about the pinnacle. Yes, the worst thing ever. And so the thing specifically I'm talking about is when there's a dessert fork and a dessert spoon on the table. And increasingly, I am seeing examples of this in the wild incorrect. And it needs to stop. And I think the problem is people don't know what's correct, and this is why they're making this mistake.

Leah: Mmm. Mmm mmm mmm.

Nick: Right? So Leah, can you picture it? Can you picture above a plate, there's the dessert pieces that you need?

Leah: Am I picturing it in a historic home?

Nick: You can picture it anywhere you'd like—at a banquet, at a dinner party, wherever you want to picture it.

Leah: Okay, so I was walking through a historic home. So I'm at a banquet. I'm looking at my place setting.

Nick: Yeah. And above the plate, there's a fork and spoon.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: Which is closer to the plate? Which is farthest from the plate? And which direction are the handles going?

Leah: So I'm gonna guess that the fork is on the bottom and it's facing to the left. And that the spoon is on the top and it's facing to the right.

Nick: And when you say facing, you mean the bowl is going in that direction or the handle?

Leah: The bowl is going in that direction.

Nick: Okay. Oh, so close, Leah. So close! All right. You were half correct.

Leah: No, no, no, no! So yes, so the handle is on the right for the fork.

Nick: Uh-huh.

Leah: And the handle is on the left for the spoon.

Nick: Okay, yes. This is not correct. So you are correct that the fork is closest to the plate, but the handle goes to the left. And the spoon is above that, and the spoon's handle is pointing to the right. This is the correct placement of these items.

Leah: Okay, I'm seeing it.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, because it's correct.

Leah: [laughs] That's not why I'm seeing it.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Because I don't notice such things. Is there something to get food into my face? That's what I notice. But I'm very proud of myself for getting 50 percent.

Nick: Yeah. No, and actually what you got was actually the important part. And that is the thing that most people get wrong. So often, the spoon is the thing that's placed closest to the plate. And that is wrong. So one of the reasons why I think this is happening is that there is a well-known etiquette authority in the world who shall not be named, but it may rhyme with, like, Bemily Boast. [laughs]

Leah: I was hoping—I was hoping we were gonna get a "rhymes with."

Nick: And in the centennial edition of their book, there is a diagram that shows a place setting. And it is wrong. And on their website, they have the same diagram, and then they actually do have a little bit of a caveat. And they say, quote, "Note, while we now see both configurations, traditionally the dessert spoon is set above the dessert fork." So they note that their diagram is basically wrong. And they're pretending, like, oh, because we see it out there, it's somehow fine. No. I say no. Just because you see something out there doesn't mean it's correct. I mean, I see a lot of things out there. I'm not gonna give permission for all of these wild things happening out there. So Emily, girl, what are you doing?

Leah: I just got a strong visual of you—if we fully unleashed you to the world in your rawest Nick element ...

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: And you're walking into a banquet or a historic home tour, and you see the spoon in the wrong place, like, I could just see you pointing and going "Wrong!"

Nick: [laughs] Oh, if I was allowed to do that ...

Leah: I'm saying if you were allowed to do it, you would just go wild.

Nick: Well, first it would be, like, "What is this? Who is responsible? Off with their heads!"

Leah: You'd be such a good character in a Christmas movie like that.

Nick: Yes, I would definitely be the good evil character. Yes. Who somehow discovers the true meaning of Christmas at the end.

Leah: Which actually, this reminds me, I have a great idea for a Christmas movie for Nick and I to write together.

Nick: Oh, okay. It involves flatware, I hope.

Leah: It does involve flatware.

Nick: Amazing! So one of the questions is like, why is this happening? Why is this the tradition? And there is actually not a lot of scholarly research on this—surprise, surprise. But my thought is that there are a couple etiquette principles at play, and I think they all come together. One is that the rule is that you start outside in, you use the cutlery that's farthest from the plate first. And so the spoon is farthest away, and so you'd use that first. And why would you use the spoon first? Well, because the second rule is that a lot of our place settings have to do with what is our dominant hand, which for most people—sorry, Leah—it's our right hand. And so most of the place-setting rules are built around this. And so the spoon is the dominant utensil for dessert eating. And so as I'm moving this fork and spoon down to the side of my plate, I'm gonna start with my dominant side, the spoon side, and then I'm gonna do the fork side. And the idea is the handles are pointed in the direction they need to go. So if the spoon handle is pointing to the right, it just slides right down to the side of my plate. The fork handle pointing left slides right down to the side of my plate on the left side. And so there's no rotating around. And so I believe this is a plausible explanation for why we do it this way.

Leah: I'm comfortable taking your word for it.

Nick: [laughs] Thank you! And actually, if we really want to get real, I mean, as long as we're spilling a lot of ink about dessert fork and spoons, at the most formal of meals, you wouldn't actually have this at all. This is actually not really done at the most formal meals in the United States. You would bring out the fork and the spoon with the dessert, you wouldn't just have it on the table.

Leah: I was gonna say that, actually. Most things that I attend ...

Nick: Uh-huh? Are the most formal?

Leah: Yes. Cutlery is brought in later.

Nick: Yes. Well, you prefer à la russe service. That's just what you prefer.

Leah: You know, I'm fancy.

Nick: Yeah. So I also prefer that, because I don't like a lot of clutter on the table. I'm a minimalist. I think it does look more elegant to not have it on the table. Whenever I see it, it definitely feels like, oh, this is a little banquet-y. And so it doesn't strike me as the high luxury I'm always seeking in my life. In the UK, it's also less common to see this. It's becoming more common as they start to use more American table manners, much to the chagrin of Debrett's and other UK etiquette authorities. But yeah, you typically don't do it. So if you are gonna do it, though, do it right, which is fork closest to the plate and spoon above that.

Leah: Also note that Nick is calling out—now he's calling out by name people who have it incorrect in their books.

Nick: [laughs] Well—and website. I mean, I can see okay, it's already been printed. Like, we can't do anything about it. Okay, fine. Website? I feel like we could fix it.

Leah: The gauntlet has been thrown.

Nick: But the problem is I think other people are looking at that and, like, "Oh. Well, the Bemily Boast Institute is saying that that's how you do it, so I'm gonna do it that way." And then it shows up on Instagram. I mean, I see it on Instagram every day. And, you know, I would never comment, but I clock it. And I think just people think it's correct. And then it starts—it's like people mispronouncing words. And then because so many people mispronounce it, that that actually becomes, like, part of the English language. And it's like, I don't want that to happen with this. Like, I feel like there's a rule.

Leah: Speaking of somebody who used the word "irregardless" for a long time ...

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Because I heard it.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And repeated it.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: I think that you should jump in there with the Wolves account and be like, "Actually ..."

Nick: Oh, "Actually," comma. Oh, that's always a good start.

Leah: Get in there, Nick. Set yourself free.

Nick: How about a "Um, actually ...?" I think we need the "um."

Leah: Yes, I need an "um" with a dot, dot, dot.

Nick: "Actually, the fork goes closest to the plate. Thank you!"

Leah: "Thank you!"

Nick: "Thank you!"

Leah: "For more tips, listen to the Wolves."

Nick: "Follow for more. Slam that 'Like' button." [laughs] So that's dessert forks and spoons.

Leah: And now we will all be aware.

Nick: You are aware.

Leah: And when we walk into a historic home, we will point and say ...

Nick: No, you will go over the velvet ropes that are preventing you from getting too close, and you will fix it.

Leah: Imagine getting busted. They're like, "What are you doing?" "I'm just fixing your cutlery."

Nick: I was so close. I was so close recently in a historic home. I did say something on the way out, which was like, "Hey, loved it. Great. But you might want to just, like, double check the place setting, because maybe it's not correct."

Leah: And what did they say?

Nick: They're like, "Thank you." So obviously nothing's gonna happen, but I felt better about it. I'm the worst.

Leah: Or the best. I enjoy it immensely.

Nick: Yeah. No, I mean, I am what I am.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep, and a year forward on the calendar.

Nick: Oh, there we go! So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about New Year's Eve.

Leah: How appropriate.

Nick: So let's just, like, run through a couple things on our lists and make sure everybody has a good New Year's Eve. So my first is when we get these invitations, they always say, "festive attire." And it's like, what is that?

Leah: I always take it to mean "not dirty."

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Not dirty. Okay, I guess that is festive.

Leah: Don't pull on your dirty jam jams. But, like, whatever makes you feel like you're partying.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think traditionally in my head, it's black, it's sparkly, it's champagne, it's bubbles, it's baubles, it's a little dressy. Right? It's kind of in this world.

Leah: Yes. But I think it's really open to interpretation. Like, say you're a person who, like, for example, nobody specifically in mind, you love, like, a tracksuit.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: I think if you wore your tracksuit with the brightest flowers and your shiniest shoes, that works.

Nick: Yeah, I guess it's about attitude.

Leah: It's like, what's your celebration outfit?

Nick: But I think we can agree we cannot be wearing a holiday outfit. This is not the time for the Christmas sweater.

Leah: I'm not gonna stop somebody from living their dream.

Nick: I realize you were the wrong person to ask about this.

Leah: Yeah. I'm sure that once you saw the words coming out of your mouth, they were like, "Leah would wear that in July."

Nick: Leah does wear it in July.

Leah: This is a real conversation that I had with Dustin. A real conversation, word for word.

Nick: Okay, let's hear the transcript.

Leah: I'm packing to go to Maine. I call him, I leave a message. I say, "Hey, how many Christmas sweaters is too many Christmas sweaters to bring?"

Nick: How many?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And so ...

Leah: And he, because he knows where my heart lies, texted, "You could never have enough."

Nick: Wow! You guys are perfect for each other.

Leah: He said, "Bring them all."

Nick: Because if you texted me that, I would say zero. [laughs]

Leah: That is why I did not text you that. I texted the person who would egg me on.

Nick: I would give you one. He's gonna eggnog you.

Leah: [laughs] Yes! Nick!

Nick: Oh! The student becomes the master. So back to New Year's Eve. The next thing on my list? Let's talk about the countdown. I feel like this moment is a little fraught.

Leah: It does. It seems like people jump it.

Nick: People jump it. I feel like there's always an issue if you look at your phone or if you're watching TV, there's always a bit of delay on the TV. So I think we have to decide, like, what controls.

Leah: Yes. I think—I also—it may be helpful to the guests if in advance we say, "Hey, we're gonna turn on the TV at 11:45, and we're gonna go by their countdown." Or, "We're gonna start the countdown at ..." just so everybody knows.

Nick: But I think we all have to agree we need one countdown.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: The next thing on my list is alcohol. So obviously, champagne is a traditional beverage, but not everybody drinks.

Leah: I definitely think it's lovely to always have a non-alcoholic option for your guests and your friends.

Nick: Yes, you should have that. And I think it would be nice if you had an option that was festive. So give me a Martinelli's apple sparkling, maybe. You know, something a little effervescent for a champagne flute.

Leah: I was recently at a friend's house, and she made me a sparkling. She put, like, cranberries in the bottom of the glass with, like, a little sprig of something. And then, I mean, I felt so festive.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, it doesn't take much.

Leah: Yeah, it just really livens it up.

Nick: But it's nice to think about those guests. Also, a lot of people are gonna be driving home and don't want to drink, but still want to participate in the moment. You know, all of these things. So it is important.

Leah: And I think it's nice to just offer, and then it doesn't need to be a whole conversation. Like, if you're standing next to somebody with the seltzer, you don't have to be like, "Oh, you don't drink?" Or, "What happened?"

Nick: Yeah. Oh no, that's so rude to ask.

Leah: So rude.

Nick: So don't do that. Next thing on my list? Noisemakers and hats.

Leah: What is on your list about them?

Nick: [laughs] Noisemakers I'm fine with. I really don't like when there's, like, the little hats and I'm bullied into wearing them.

Leah: I wish I could be a fly on the wall to watch Nick get bullied into wearing a hat.

Nick: I'll put it on. I'll do it, but I'm not happy about it.

Leah: Well, nobody's gonna bully me into wearing a hat. I have curly hair and I would just be like, "I can't." But I will wear a hat, because they delight me to my core. That being said, noisemakers, if the host doesn't give me a noisemaker, I'm not showing up at a house with noisemakers, because some people hate noisemakers.

Nick: Sure. Yes. No, don't bring your own vuvuzela. Yeah.

Leah: They just—oh!

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I guess if it's not provided. Although, does anybody have noisemakers at home?

Leah: Well, they have—people have those ones that ...

Nick: But does somebody actually have those just around the house?

Leah: Well, they may just stop by. So I think if you were like, "I'm gonna buy some noisemakers and bring it to this party," I would check with your host. I'd be like, "I was gonna bring noisemakers. How do you feel about that?"

Nick: Yeah. Well, on my list, related is confetti. So do not bring your own confetti. [laughs]

Leah: I imagined—when I saw that, I imagined that that would fall under the glitter category.

Nick: Yes, it is related. Yes. I think it's less aggressive than glitter. I mean, glitter is such a non-starter. Like, under no circumstances are you bringing glitter to somebody's house. But confetti also, you know, there's a mess component there.

Leah: I mean, there's so many fun things to bring at this point. You could do those little headbands that have sayings on the top, and ...

Nick: Yeah. Oh, and the glasses. And every year I'm like, how are they gonna make glasses out of these numbers? And they do.

Leah: They do it every year.

Nick: They figure it out somehow.

Leah: It's magic! It's magic!

Nick: It's really amazing. Yes. The ingenuity. But yeah, I guess just be mindful what you're bringing, and what the other people at the party might think about it.

Leah: But I do think it's nice to participate.

Nick: Yes. That's why I wear the hat, even if I don't want to. But I think offer, but don't bully your guests into wearing accessories that they were not planning on is my point.

Leah: We hear you.

Nick: Yeah. And toasts. I guess some people feel compelled to give a toast at midnight. Does this happen? I can't actually think of any parties I've been to where actually somebody bothered.

Leah: I'm often at comedy clubs, so there's like a huge countdown and then everybody goes wild. And if I'm not at a comedy club, the last party I went to, which was so much fun, we all—we celebrated New Year's Eve east coast time on the west coast. So we all got to be home in bed.

Nick: The dream!

Leah: The dream. So at midnight, I was actually at home with my dogs. And it was maybe the best New Year's of my life. I'm happy to be home, in which case, who's making a toast?

Nick: Fair enough. You're—you're just making toast.

Leah: [laughs] I do love toast, Nick. You know what would be a great New Year's Eve toast? Nutella.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: With maybe, like, some sprinkles on top.

Nick: Okay. Well, this actually dovetails nicely with the last thing on my list, which is when are you allowed to leave the party? When are you allowed to go home?

Leah: [laughs] I honestly feel like with the two of our personalities, we could have started with this one. When can we leave?

Nick: When can we go home? I mean, for me, like, I'm a night owl. I definitely stay up late, but I don't necessarily want to be out late. I like being home.

Leah: Being home is really fantastic.

Nick: It is. So for me, I feel like 12:01? Little provocative. Like, I think you gotta stick it out a few minutes. You don't want to, like, totally just, like, escape on your host. But there will be sort of a moment—12:15, 12:20—where, like, a couple other people are probably leaving. And so I feel like you could take your out at that point.

Leah: And this is for a house party or an event hosted by, like, a host or hostess that you know. Not it's like a general event, because those I think you can peace.

Nick: Oh, yeah. No, if it's a ticketed event where you paid money to be there. Oh, yeah. Go home whenever.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: No problem. Who cares? But yeah, I guess if it's somebody's house, we just want to be mindful that exiting real fast can kind of come across the wrong way. It kind of comes across like, "Oh, I was just using you to be somewhere at midnight."

Leah: Well, I also think it might not come across like that, but it also might be like, they're doing their "Happy New Year! Happy New Year!" And then you're like, "Gotta go."

Nick: Right. Yeah, that's true. Right. So we want to let them have that moment.

Leah: I think, though, if you need to leave before midnight, when you get the invite, you could say, "I'd love to come by. I really need to be home before midnight. Is it cool if I come by and leave at, like, 11:00?"

Nick: Yeah, I think that's fair. Yeah, when you get the invitation, you could ask, like, is it okay if ...

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: And then the flip side of all of this is staying too long. So definitely be mindful if your host is, like, already in their pajamas and, like, sweeping, and they're sort of like, "Okay, great to see ya."

Leah: Or that look where you're sort of, like, putting things away, looking at the door.

Nick: Yeah. So just be mindful of that.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: So that's New Year's Eve.

Leah: Happy New Year to all who celebrate.

Nick: To all who celebrate. Who doesn't celebrate. Who's that person?

Leah: What if you're on a different calendar? Chinese New Year, Jewish New Year.

Nick: Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. There are other calendars. Sure. Yeah, it's not all about the Georgian calendar.

Leah: But I do think whenever somebody listens to this, whenever you celebrate New Year's ...

Nick: And whichever New Year's it is ...

Leah: Happy New Year.

Nick: Happy New Year!

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "When given a limit for a gift exchange, how do you adhere to the limit? If it's a $25 limit, do you spend retail $25, or if you find a $45 gift on sale under $25, is that considered fair?"

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Okay, interesting. Right out of the gate. Yes.

Leah: You're spending up to the $25 limit.

Nick: Okay. So for you, it's we are spending $25 and getting the most we can for that dollar amount.

Leah: Not necessarily. We may know this person and we know something they love. And it is not that it's more money, it's just very specific to them. But if we find something that's perfect for them and we happen to find this item on sale. Yes.

Nick: So it should at least have the value of $25.

Leah: We pay up to $25.

Nick: Up to $25. Okay. I guess in my mind ...

Leah: It's a $25 cap on how much you can spend.

Nick: Okay, so if I baked you brownies, cost of ingredients, $5, is that fair for this gift exchange?

Leah: I mean, technically it's fair.

Nick: Right, but is that in the spirit of what we're doing? Is that gonna make anybody feel a certain way?

Leah: I probably wouldn't do that.

Nick: Right? So I think you do need to spend as close to the cap as possible.

Leah: I mean, you may find something incredible for $18 that's perfect.

Nick: Right. I guess the quality of the gift is very important, too. That adds some value.

Leah: Like, what if you baked brownies, but then you found this, like, very cool special tin that wasn't really a tin, it was like a box that was also a part of the gift? Fine.

Nick: Okay. All right, interesting. Now what if it was a $200 item, but it was like some liquidation sale, and you got it for $25?

Leah: Then that fits the deal.

Nick: Does it, though? Doesn't that feel a little provocative, like, oh, here's a $200 item in this gift exchange?

Leah: No, you just are a great shopper.

Nick: Oh, interesting. Okay. It's just I'm so good at this.

Leah: You're not gonna find a $200 item for $25. You may find a $75 item.

Nick: Okay. Same point, though.

Leah: I think it's fine. I mean, it's not like you were gonna bring a truck and be like, "Hey, I found this for $25."

Nick: [laughs] Fair. Now what about regifting? I spent zero dollars. It was just something in my house.

Leah: But does it look like it's, like, a $25 value?

Nick: So maybe that's a little bit of the quality that we need. It's either you actually spent up to $25, or it feels like you did. It has to have a feeling of the budget.

Leah: Here's the thing. And I don't know if this is—you tell me if this is appropriate. If I had something gifted to me that was absolutely perfect for you, and I had a $25 spending limit, I'm not gonna use this thing. It's still in the package. I know that you would love it.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Is it hurtful to give it to you when you would never know? I mean, I know, but I'm doing it because I think you'd like it. This is different from I just have something in the house, and I'm giving it to you.

Nick: Right. It has to be a good gift. But is the value of this gift or the perception of value of this gift, is it in the zone of the budget? Because if this is some perfect thing, but it's, like, clearly something that's $75, like, that's not good. Because I guess my concern is all the other people in the gift exchange. Because often this is a group event, and so the question is: what will the group think about our presents to each other?

Leah: Well, say I had something that was, like, probably 50 bucks.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: But I'm running this out. I'm not—I'm not sure. I'm just saying it out loud. I could always say I stayed within the limit. I mean, I was in it. It was free. I don't know.

Nick: Okay, let's break it down. You have a $25 gift limit, and the value of this gift needs to be $25. And so as long as everybody at this exchange feels like they got a gift that is valued at around $25, then we are fine. If you actually spent $25, if you did not, I guess that's your business.

Leah: What I would like to stick with is my original thought on the original question, which is if you find something that was $45 originally, but it's on sale for $25, is that okay? And I'm saying yes.

Nick: Okay, I agree. I think it's close enough. It's not wildly provocative.

Leah: If you come in with, like, a television the size of a wall and a large wall and you're like, "I found this for $25," either you stole it off the back of a truck or you are lying. But some things you could obviously find on sale. And I think that if you're in a place where you can't—which happens. The holidays are hard on—you know, it's so many different expenses. I think you can say, "I can't be in the gift exchange."

Nick: Okay, I'm coming around. All right. I see your way.

Leah: It's not my way, Nick. It's the correct way. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Somebody's been hanging around me too long. So our next question is quote, "When I was younger and went out to do holiday shopping, I might see one or two red-clad people ringing bells, asking for donations outside a store. I was always happy to drop in a contribution, but these days, bell ringers are at every store I frequent, and I can run into several in one day. I do not have the cash nor the inclination to donate to everyone, but I respect the people standing out for hours accepting donations and do want to support their causes. What is the appropriate etiquette? Do I smile and say, 'I've already contributed today?' Do I ignore the situation? It feels rude to just walk on by without acknowledgement."

Leah: This just happened to me.

Nick: Did it? Okay. And so how did it go?

Leah: I have previously said, you know, "I contributed to blankety blank earlier," but then I don't anymore because they'll be like, "Oh, we're different." Or, "Oh, that's a—" so this most recent time where it happened, I just smiled and did, like, a hello face. I acknowledge them. I see them. I'm not ignoring them. But that's all. I can't donate at this time.

Nick: Yeah, I think that's fine. Yeah, a smile. I acknowledge you exist.

Leah: A "Happy holidays."

Nick: "Have a good day."

Leah: Yeah, because I too hate ignoring people.

Nick: Now I will say in New York City, we are allowed to ignore you and pretend you don't exist. That is considered perfectly fine etiquette. So I guess it depends on where you are.

Leah: I think it—I mean, New York City is its own set of rules.

Nick: Yes. And this is definitely one of the best, so ... [laughs]

Leah: One of the best rules.

Nick: Oh, I love it. Yeah. Because I mean, if I actually acknowledge everybody who wants my attention on the street, I would never get anywhere.

Leah: Well, and a lot of people—I've told you this, but, you know, I so struggle—I think it's being from a smaller town—ignoring people. And I used to talk to everybody. And you would get involved, people would ask you questions, and then all of a sudden, five minutes later, you're in a whole—a whole realm you didn't want to be in.

Nick: Yeah. So I can't go down that rabbit hole.

Leah: You just can't. You gotta close it off from the beginning.

Nick: But yes, I think we just acknowledge the existence. Smile. "Happy holidays." I think if you wanted to say something, you could say, like, you know, "Not today, but thank you."

Leah: Oh, that's nice, too.

Nick: Or if it's all the same charity, you could make, like, one donation and then you will be able to truthfully say, "I've already donated."

Leah: Yes, but they're not all going to be the same charity.

Nick: Yeah, that's true.

Leah: Or there'll be different branches.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: "Oh, which branch was it?"

Nick: It's like, "I don't know." Yeah. No, I guess when you're explaining, you're losing.

Leah: Which is so hard.

Nick: So our next question is quote, "How do you handle people asking for updates on how you or your kid use a gift years later? It might have been returned or donated. I try not to lie, but I need a go-to phrase that doesn't invite further questioning."

Leah: Mmm!

Nick: Mmm.

Leah: Mmm mmm mmm.

Nick: Awkward!

Leah: Could we say, "We were so delighted by it."?

Nick: Yeah. I think it needs to be something in that world. I think it needs to acknowledge the generosity, the spirit in which the gift was given. And then let's just not talk about the actual thing.

Leah: Because everybody's delighted to get a gift. It's not being dishonest.

Nick: "You are so kind to think of us."

Leah: Yes.

Nick: But that's not gonna be satisfying for some people, because it's rude to ask about a gift in this way.

Leah: I was gonna say, "Who's doing this?"

Nick: Oh, plenty people. Plenty people are definitely following up on gifts. Yeah. Well, like, "Did you read the book I gave you?"

Leah: Well, with that, you can say, "Not yet."

Nick: "Oh, really? I gave it to you three years ago."

Leah: And then I would be like, "Look who you're talking to." I mean, I have emails from three years ago that I haven't responded to yet.

Nick: Okay. So I mean, I guess that's a conversation we could get ourselves into.

Leah: But it's different if you're asking about a present that you got for their kid, which, you know, you can't be like, "They haven't played with it yet," multiple years later. That's different.

Nick: I guess you could also say, like, "Oh, I'm spacing on the specifics, but ..."

Leah: And then they'll say, "Oh, we got you a wheelbarrow."

Nick: "Ah, yes. A wheelbarrow. Yes. Oh, yes. Thank you so much for that. And how have you been?" [laughs]

Leah: I was thinking, can we just move right into a question about them?

Nick: I mean, I would try to pivot really hard.

Leah: I would pivot as fast as possible. I would mention how delighted we are, and then move into ...

Nick: Anything else.

Leah: And then move into a new—literally anything else.

Nick: Literally any other topic. Yes. Yeah, it's a—this is a tricky one. Yeah, because it's—it is rude, and so it's really hard to respond in a polite way. But I think an etiquette theme we've talked about before is you are not obligated to squarely address the question that is being asked of you. You can just sort of answer a different question that you weren't asked, but sounds like it's part of the same world.

Leah: You could even say—say my child's name is Chad. I could say, "Thank you so much. You know, Chad loves toys."

Nick: Yeah. Oh, perfect. Yes, he does. That is true. Yes. What happened to this specific toy, who can say?

Leah: Who can say?

Nick: But he loves them in general. Yes.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So you out there, do you love something in general—or specifically? Let us know. You can let us know through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com, or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: Oh, Nick, I'm gonna vent.

Nick: Okay, let's hear it.

Leah: So this is something I have complained about previously.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: But in this circumstance, I think it highlights why it's so important to not do this.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Can't wait!

Leah: So before I tell this story, I want everybody to know that Lacey Jane is doing well.

Nick: This is Leah's dog.

Leah: My firstborn.

Nick: Mm-hmm. Okay.

Leah: So I'm walking Lacey and Greta.

Nick: Greta's the other dog.

Leah: Greta's my second born. And Lacey all of a sudden throws up, and then starts swelling up with a speed of unlike I've ever seen. Like she got stung by something in Texas, and it was like a slow swell. We got in the car, we drove to the emergency room. This was happening so fast that I was terrified. So I run, I pick everybody up. I run. I put Greta in her crate, I jump in the car, I start driving to the emergency vet. I have a very short light at the end of my street, the turning light.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Very busy walkway. So important that people pay attention to the walk signs.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Often people walk against the light. They're looking at their phone, they're meandering, and it irritates me just because I have places to go. This was ...

Nick: An emergency!

Leah: An emergency. This young woman on her phone, looking around. I'm going. It's my light. She has a hand, "Do not walk." Not a flashing hand. Straight up don't walk. She's walk—she walks right in front of my car on her phone, looking around. I lay on that horn like it's never been laid on in its entire life.

Nick: Wow!

Leah: She then looks at me and wants to, like, start something. Like, I have the right of way. And I was like, "You do not!" I was so angry. If I wasn't in a duress to get somewhere, I would have climbed out of my car. I just wish that people would pay attention to when they're supposed to walk, especially in very busy cities.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Where when people have such a short light to drive, you looking at your phone, dilly dallying, taking your time. No. And then to be rude to the driver when actually they had the right of way, I can't take it. And I know a lot of times drivers are rude, but that was—that was not this.

Nick: I mean, was it a polite honk?

Leah: No, it was a, "Get out of the road! You're walking against your light!"

Nick: Yeah. No, I—you were justified.

Leah: Also, I'm driving. I'm driving. So, like, if I—I had to hit my brakes because she's walking out of turn. You know what I mean?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: It's like, get out of the road. This is dangerous. But then she got mad at me. Like, I'm at fault.

Nick: Living on Hollywood Boulevard is just ...

Leah: It's too much. No, I'm—I'm there. I'm there.

Nick: [laughs] But yeah, it was very serious with Lacey. I saw the photo, and she looked like a schnauzer. She blew up, so large.

Leah: She blew up so much and so fast. I mean, I drove up to that emergency room. And, you know, they have, like, a—like a U you pull in.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: And I apparently drove in backward. Like, I went in the wrong side. I just pulled my car up. I—like, with her in my arms, I mean, it was—she was just—you're afraid their airways are gonna close.

Nick: Yeah!

Leah: And I, like, run in. I'm trying to hold it together, because I'm supposed to be the adult in the situation. You know what I mean? And the people—everybody in the waiting room is like—because you could see it happening.

Nick: Wow.

Leah: Anyway, she's fine now.

Nick: Well, for me, I would also like to vent. And actually, I have two things to talk about. The first is just very quick. I was about to get into an elevator, and the door's open, and nobody's coming out. And so I start to walk in, but then a woman appears. And I guess she was, like, on her phone and, like, deep in the corner, and she was probably so distracted, she didn't realize, like, oh, she arrived at her floor. So she was trying to leave just as I was about to walk in, and she gave me a look like I was the filthiest, worst person in the world for not knowing that you're supposed to let people off an elevator first. The look she gave me was so aggressive! She could not have been more disgusted with me. And I take personal offense, because if there's anybody on this planet who is so mindful of elevator etiquette, it is me. And I waited a beat. There was nobody in this elevator. She missed her window of opportunity to start walking off, and I didn't see her. And as soon as I saw her, I was like, "Oh, so sorry!" And then I stepped back. But the look she gave me. I mean, she wanted to burn holes in the back of my skull.

Leah: I really hate it when you apologize for something and you're like, "Oh, so sorry!" And then people continue to be mad.

Nick: Yeah. But it was just like, oh, what is this? But what I really want to talk about is so I am ...

Leah: I love that Nick is squeezing in two vents here.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Also, I just want to call back that you made it seem like it was my fault for laying on the horn too hard.

Nick: Well, I just wanted to clarify that point. Because, you know ...

Leah: I have somebody walking against their light, which is a hazard. I'm trying to protect them. And my dog is going into ...

Nick: No, I get it.

Leah: No, I don't think you get it.

Nick: [laughs] But, I mean, you are ...

Leah: I didn't hold it down for 90 seconds. I just went "beeeeep."

Nick: But I think you expressed surprise that she was like, "Wait, why are you honking at me?"

Leah: She was expressing surprise because she's obviously lived her life like I get to do whatever I want whenever I want, and other people do not exist.

Nick: Okay, fair enough. So the next thing I want to talk about is—it's a vent, but it's also a mystery. So there is a new Mexican restaurant in the neighborhood. And so I hadn't been before.

Leah: Did you say it's a vent, but it's also a mystery? [laughs]

Nick: Yes. You'll find out in a moment.

Leah: Everybody get their Nancy Drew hats out. She doesn't wear hats, but ...

Nick: Seriously. So new Mexican restaurant. I hadn't been before. I made a reservation. I get to the restaurant. I'm the first to arrive, and so the host is walking me to the table. And so we're walking through the restaurant, and he turns to me and he says, "Have you had Mexican food before?"

Leah: No, stop! I can't!

Nick: And I obviously misheard this. So I said, "Oh, have I been to this restaurant before? No, this is my first time." And he says, "No, have you had Mexican food before?" And my brain is now trying to figure out, like, okay, is that the question that was asked? Why is that being asked? Am I hearing that correctly? I'm trying to process, and I'm also trying to respond in a way that's like, upbeat, friendly, non-judgmental. And so I say, "Yes, I have." Just enthusiastic. Here we are, ready to roll. And he's like, "Great. Do you like it?"

Leah: What is happening?

Nick: [laughs] I don't know! That's the mystery. And I said, "Yes, I do."

Leah: That's why I'm here.

Nick: And then we get to the table and, like, I sit down, and then I immediately text my friend this entire conversation and be like, "What is this about?" And it is not like this is some specific region of Mexico. This is not like a Oaxacan restaurant. This is not a Norteño restaurant. This is not like a Yucatan, like, specialty restaurant. No, this is like, greatest hits of Mexico. This is tacos, burritos, enchiladas, chips and salsa. And so what was this? Do I look like someone who has never enjoyed the cuisine of Mexico? Is that what it is?

Leah: Mexican food is so popular.

Nick: I mean, I think salsa outsells ketchup in the United States.

Leah: I was gonna say it is ...

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. Like, and I can understand if it's like, "Oh, have you ever had Bhutanese cuisine before? Have you ever had food of Mongolia?" Like, okay, these are more reasonable questions.

Leah: It's also the follow up with, "Do you like it?" when you're there to eat it.

Nick: That's also a little strange. Yes. I mean, because what was I supposed to say? "No, don't really care for it, but wish me luck tonight."

Leah: I'm gonna say something, and if it's too disrespectful ...

Nick: Okay?

Leah: ... you let me know.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I was walking down the street the other day, and this man said to me—this goes directly back to what you're saying. This man walks out of his apartment, looks at me and he goes, "Wow, you sure like white dogs."

Nick: [laughs] Wait, only one of your dogs is white.

Leah: I'm just telling you what this man said.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And I went to say something and then I was like, "What? What?" And then I was like, "Oh, he's just talking."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Sometimes guys—and this is where I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I would say statistically, it seems to be a male quality.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: People just feel like they gotta say something.

Nick: It did feel a little bit like he was trying to fill space. Yeah.

Leah: They just say things that you're like, there was no—not they—#NotAllMen.

Nick: However ...

Leah: You know I love men.

Nick: Big fan over there.

Leah: I have one at home.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I'm really into them. Some of my closest friends are men.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: That being said, some men, they're literally just filling space with words that shouldn't have come out.

Nick: Yeah. I feel like that has to be this.

Leah: Because they feel like they gotta say something. "I'm going to say something."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, it's just strange that this is what they landed on. Of all the things we could talk about in the short journey from the host stand to my table, we needed to ask me have I ever had Mexican food?

Leah: And do you like it?

Nick: And do I like it? [laughs] So that's my mystery vent. Yeah, it was weird. It was very weird. But for the record, I do. I like Mexican food.

Leah: All right. I would say Mexican food is my favorite cuisine.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, who doesn't like it?

Leah: I'm not sure if your host does.

Nick: I mean, maybe he hasn't and he was just looking for ideas.

Leah: [laughs] Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's what it is.

Nick: Yeah. He's like, "I haven't yet. Tell me what it's like. Do you like it? Maybe I'll like it."

Leah: Yeah. Maybe he was just actually hoping that you would give him advice.

Nick: Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. He's like, "Oh, this guy. He loves giving unsolicited advice."

Leah: That's—I mean, that ...

Nick: Now it all makes sense.

Leah: Now it clicks in, because he was embarrassed to ask anybody in the restaurant.

Nick: But he's like, "Oh, this guy? He definitely likes telling people what to do and what to think." Okay. Yeah. Actually, now mystery solved. Okay, it checks out.

Leah: I'm gonna start asking that anytime I eat out with anybody. "Have you had hamburgers before?"

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. I mean, I think this is something we should all try.

Leah: "Have you had soda before?"

Nick: "Have you tried water?"

Leah: "Have you tried liquids?"

Nick: I mean, I think it is actually kind of nice to not make assumptions. There is something nice about that. Like, don't assume I've had Mexican food. Like, why would you?

Leah: I love that we've gone a full 180 now that we look at it in a different way.

Nick: Yeah. Maybe it was actually polite, and it would have been rude for him to just assume that I like it. How does he know I've had it?

Leah: Just because you're at a restaurant that serves it.

Nick: Well, but maybe this is my first time. Maybe this was my first opportunity.

Leah: Well, maybe it's the same as when people get on the PA system of a flight and say, "This flight is going to Cleveland. If you're not going to Cleveland, you're on the wrong flight."

Nick: Okay. So it's just a double check to make sure, like ...

Leah: Have you had Mexican? Do you like Mexican?

Nick: Because you're in a Mexican restaurant. Just want to confirm you are in the correct place.

Leah: Do you know what's happening?

Nick: Okay. I mean, I actually would appreciate having more people check in with me do I know what's happening more often?

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Because usually the answer is no. So okay, all right, we really came full circle on this. Thank you. Gracias.

Leah: De nada. Nada nada, limonada.

Nick: [laughs]

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: I learned that, although I could have guessed, but I now know for sure that you are walking through historical home tours, and being put off by the silverware and letting people—gently letting people know as you leave, "Hey, you may want to flip that fork and spoon."

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, I am doing that. And I learned that you prefer service à la russe, and you want your dessert spoon and fork to be brought out with the dessert.

Leah: I do. I'm very formal. I don't know if I prefer it, but it's just where I'm getting invited, Nick.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: And then I often say, "I'mma do the dessert now."

Nick: And then they're gonna bring the finger bowl, and you're gonna do the finger bowl.

Leah: [laughs] And then I'm gonna do the finger bowl. That's a callback. And I'm gonna drink from it.

Nick: Yeah, that is probably what you're gonna do.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, we want your ideas for deep dive topics. What would you like us to explore more deeply?

Leah: We would love to hear all your thoughts on that.

Nick: Yes. Should we talk about blimps? Should we talk about that baby-jumping festival in Spain? Let us know!

Leah: And you know Nick's asking because he wants you to want to know about it.

Nick: I want you to want to know about the baby-jumping festival in Spain. It's a real thing that exists.

Leah: Somebody please ask him.

Nick: Yeah. Don't you want to know about putting babies on mattresses in the middle of the street, and then grown men dressed as devils jump over them? Yes. And there's an etiquette. So I want to talk about it, but I need you to ask me about it.

Leah: How funny would it be if nobody asks, and then you're just bursting with baby-jumping traditions?

Nick: It's a festival I really want to attend, because it seems so wonderful. It's been going on for hundreds of years.

Leah: Wolves fam, Nick is begging you to ask him.

Nick: Yeah. So that is your invitation. And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: So to follow up on my panicked Lacey story, I would like to thank everybody working at MASH.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: Which is the emergency room that I went to with Lacey Jane. They were wonderful. I parked in the wrong place, I ran through cradling Lacey, trying to not sob. They were so amazing. They were wonderful. They were just terrific. And I couldn't be more thankful to them.

Nick: Was Alan Alda there?

Leah: Yes. They flew him in on a helicopter.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: They played the theme song.

Nick: Great. And I want to read a nice review we just got. And actually, it's an updated review, and it's quote, "Update. I can't believe it, but I love this podcast even more. It makes me so happy, and I laugh so much while listening to it. This podcast is perfect. I love the way you get useful information, but also laugh a lot. Anytime I'm in a foul mood, I listen to an episode and I feel better. I love Nick and Leah both so much. They're wonderful together. And as a side note, I've actually changed some of my behavior after learning correct etiquette. Please do this podcast forever for the good of the planet. Life changing!"

Leah: That is so nice.

Nick: Isn't that nice? I mean, that's lovely. So thank you for updating your review. That's wonderful.

Leah: I felt my temperature in my heart going up. It just filled me with such warmth.

Nick: So thank you for this. This makes our day.