Pouring Water Like Wine, Breaking Up Before Weddings, Tossing Hair on Floors, and More

Nick: Hey everybody, it's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is quote, "My partner and I recently celebrated an anniversary, and we went to a somewhat nicer seafood restaurant than our standard to celebrate. The table was set with Cabernet glasses. My partner used to work for a wine company, so she knows the proper names for these things, and when the server asked if we wanted wine to celebrate, we both asked for water instead, since I don't drink wine, and she drove. The server replied, "I can bring you a bottle," and we agreed, thinking nothing of it, since some restaurants serve you water in a pitcher and others in a decorative bottle. So she returned with the bottle, and she poured a small amount of water into each glass. with no ice, as if it were wine. And then she placed a toothpick skewering a lemon and a lime wedge across the top. So the first question is: what is the proper way to utilize the citrus-on-a-stick situation? Do we pull the lemon and lime off and drop them in the water? Do we swish like a stirring stick, or do we squeeze one or both into the drink and then set it aside?

Nick: The second question is: why did the server pour only a small amount into the glass? Normally, when asking for water, you get a full glass. Is there something special about serving in this style of glass that requires this specific pour amount? Were we wrong to top off our own glasses after she left? It makes a lot more sense if it were wine being poured for a tasting, but this was water. The final question comes when we got the bill. We were charged $8 for the water, which, when we looked at the bottle, had the label that said Acqua Panna Natural Spring Water. We were never told that we would be charged for what we thought would be ordinary water, and this item did not appear on the menu. So should we have expected to have known that we were gonna get artisan water when we asked for water? Or was it the server's responsibility to okay it with us?"

Leah: Do you want to work backwards to front on these questions?

Nick: Sure, we can start wherever. That was a journey.

Leah: That was a journey. And it's so interesting because I feel like all three are very different. It's a three-parter that are all very interesting segments all on their own.

Nick: Yes, but we'll tackle them all. So you want to start with the should we have known we were gonna get charged?

Leah: Yeah, I want to start with that because I really feel like the server was a bit of a trickster here.

Nick: Yeah, they did say, "I'll bring you a bottle," but that was pretty subtle.

Leah: Because at that restaurant that we ate together at, they have, like, a glass jar, like, everybody's familiar with where they just bring it out.

Nick: Yes. And increasingly, I think that is what restaurants are doing. Like, they're filtering tap water and then they're presenting you a bottle of water, but it's not bottled water. It's a bottle of water. Very subtle distinction.

Leah: Very subtle.

Nick: So yes, I feel like a clarification would have been nice. Like, "Oh, we have Acqua Panna from Tuscany. Would you like that? Or would you like the free stuff from the tap?"

Leah: Yes, I think that that's what they would have said. "Would you like a bottle of Acqua Panna or would you like tap?"

Nick: Yeah, I think some detail there would have been good.

Leah: And it's extra that it's not even on the menu.

Nick: Well, a lot of restaurants don't actually have, like, a beverage menu that's listing the price of water. Like, a lot of restaurants aren't gonna say, like, how much a Coke is, how much an espresso is.

Leah: Yeah, but they'll say that there's Coke. They'll say we have Diet Coke.

Nick: Yeah, I guess it depends on what the restaurant is.

Leah: I guess there's just no way of them knowing that there would be a bottle of water that they were buying. If it's not on the menu and your waiter or waitress doesn't tell you, how would you ever know, when the standard has been set that we're just getting bottles of water that is filtered tap water?

Nick: I wouldn't go so far to say that the standard has been set but, like, that's a strong possibility. And the server knew what they were doing with this upsell.

Leah: That's what I'm saying. They knew what they were doing. They knew what your expectation was, whether or not you want to say the standard has been set, I would say that they knew the expectation was that you thought you were getting a free bottle of filtered water.

Nick: Yeah, so that waiter should have asked, like, "Oh, would you like me to bring you a bottle?" It should have been a question. And it sounds like this was a statement. "I can bring you a bottle." Like, of course you can. You could also bring me caviar but, like, we gotta talk about it.

Leah: I think they have to say, "Would you like me to bring you a bottle of Acqua Panna or would you like tap water?"

Nick: But also the real question is: would you like sparkling or still? Like, that's really the question. That's really the conversation. Let's talk about the types of water we have.

Leah: When people say that to me, I still say, "Tap."

Nick: Yes. Well, because we're having a water conversation.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And in that water conversation, we're gonna decide, like, oh, what is the water journey I want to be on tonight? Right.

Nick: And I would assume that still water is not tap.

Leah: In that conversation, still water is not tap. No.

Leah: Still water is not tap. There is also a third option when they say "Sparkling or still?" I would like tap.

Nick: "Tap is fine, thank you."

Leah: "Tap is fine, thank you so much."

Nick: Okay, so that settles that. Now let's tackle the citrus. So yes, you do not have to add citrus to your natural spring water if you don't want it.

Leah: Well, let's describe the picture to our listeners.

Nick: Oh, that's right. Yes, they actually sent us a photo from this restaurant.

Leah: Which I really appreciate.

Nick: Yeah. No, we love official aids.

Leah: Because Nick and I always go, "I feel like we're missing some of the story."

Nick: But no, we have the whole story here.

Leah: Now we have a picture.

Nick: So let's look at the picture.

Leah: So it's a glass with a toothpick along the top.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And on that toothpick is a lemon and a lime.

Nick: Yeah. So two forms of citrus.

Leah: And the toothpick is going through the middle.

Nick: Yes, it's going through the middle of the citrus, and then it's balancing on the top of this glass. And so you have a lot of choices here. Do you want citrus in your beverage? You can decide. And do you want lemon and lime? Do you want just one or the other? This is your journey. You can customize as you wish. So what I would do is I would remove this skewer from the top of the glass, and I would probably hold, like, the lime with one finger and I would slide the skewer out of it, and I would place the skewer on my bread plate or some sort of side plate area. And I would shield my other diners with my free hand, and I would squeeze the citrus into the glass. And then depending on my feelings, I might put the squeezed citrus into the beverage itself, or I might remove it to the side plate. And if I wanted lemon as well, I would repeat this with the lemon.

Leah: I really did love this setup for the lemon and lime because it does allow you to do any of the things that you want to do.

Nick: Yes. I mean, for me personally, I'm a lime person. I always prefer lime to lemon. So I want lime in my water, not lemon.

Leah: Oh my goodness, Nick. Me too.

Nick: Really?

Leah: Yes, and the thing is is that I want to like lemon so much because I know lemon water is supposed to be so good for you.

Nick: Well, I can't imagine lime water is bad for you.

Leah: I don't know. It doesn't have the same reputation, but I like the lime.

Nick: That's true, we don't hear a lot about lime water.

Leah: We do not hear—I would say I hear almost nothing.

Nick: Yeah, the lime industry is really not carrying their weight on this.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So that's what I would do with the citrus. We do not swizzle it around. It's not a cocktail. Like, that's not what we're doing with this little skewer.

Leah: I make no rules.

Nick: True, which is why we're not asking you.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Fair.

Nick: So then let's talk about the pouring into this glass.

Leah: So I felt like our server was treating the water like wine.

Nick: Yes, they were being quite precious with this.

Leah: So I assume that's when we realized this is a paid bottle of water.

Nick: Oh. Oh, is that—we're gonna make you feel like it was worth it?

Leah: Yeah, you now get a taste test. You could swirl that water.

Nick: Yeah. I guess, what was I supposed to do as the diner? Was I supposed to, like, taste it to make sure it wasn't corked? Like, "Oh no, this water's good."

Leah: I think that's what we're doing. We're tasting the water and then we're being like, "Lovely.:

Nick: Right. "This is fine."

Leah: And then we're adding more.

Nick: Yeah, so I feel like it was a bit pretentious the way this was done. And so I don't think that's standard to be, like, pouring a little, like, half pour of this artisanal water into this big glass. That's a little strange.

Leah: I think it's in line with them asking if you wanted a bottle of water instead of bottled water, and then making it act like it was—she's bringing you a bottle of wine.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I wonder if the bottle of Acqua Panna was presented at the table label first, and they're like, "Yes, this is Acqua Panna," you know, give it the year. "It's from Tuscany," the region where it's from. You know, they had a towel wrapped around it. There was a water sommelier who actually did the pouring for you. I mean, there are places that do have a water program where they do have a water menu where water is a thing.

Leah: I was about to say I would love to drink lots of different waters.

Nick: Yeah, this is a thing that does exist in the world. There are restaurants that do specialize in a robust water program. I do not believe this quote, "somewhat nicer seafood restaurant" is that place. So I mean, Acqua Panna is owned by, like, Nestle. [laughs] So it's not—yes, it's, you know, from some aquifer near Florence but, like, this is—you know, it's Acqua Panna.

Leah: I have never—and, you know, I have traveled and drank water in many places.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: Maine water, specifically Oxford County.

Nick: Yeah?

Leah: It's literally the best water in the world.

Nick: Wow!

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: All right, let's bottle that.

Leah: So I mean, I think people are. But if you're there, you can just get it. It is fantastic. So anyway ...

Nick: Finally a reason to go.

Leah: Wow! Hurtful.

Nick: No, there's fudge, too.

Leah: [laughs] Yes.

Nick: Maybe that's why the fudge is so good.

Leah: Maybe that is why the fudge is so good.

Nick: Although I don't think we add water to fudge. I don't think water is an ingredient in fudge.

Leah: But maybe the person who's making it drank the water so they have a certain joy de vivre.

Nick: Sure. Okay.

Leah: When they make the fudge. I just think they were trying to make this water like wine.

Nick: Yes. And also to serve it in Cabernet glasses is also a little precious. Like, that's a big glass.

Leah: They've gone wild.

Nick: That's a big glass for water.

Leah: They've gone wild. They've gone water wild.

Nick: One thing I wanted to throw out, because maybe this is a theory, that the amount of water that they poured wasn't actually a small amount, but just the glass was so big that it just looked like it was a small amount. You know, like sometimes you have a big wine glass, and you pour in a standard pour and it looks like there's nothing in there, but actually it's just like, because the glass is so wide? Maybe that's what's happening. Maybe there is, you know, eight ounces of water in this glass, but it just doesn't look very full.

Leah: Our letter writer asked the question, is it—was it wrong that we topped off our own glasses? I think it's totally fine. We're in unchartered water territory here.

Nick: [laughs] Pun intended. So generally speaking, it would be sort of more elegant to let the server make sure you're topped off. Like, that would be better. Now, it sounds like they went AWOL. And so I feel like then fine. I mean, fill your own glass.

Leah: You were saying it would be standard if the server stood there, waited for them to sip it, and then topped it.

Nick: [laughs] That is not what I'm saying.

Leah: Is that what you're saying?

Nick: Yes. That they stand behind you the whole time. Waiting for you to take one sip.

Leah: Oh, you're saying that they've gone so far off the program that at this point we can just top ourselves."

Nick: Well, it is nice when a server keeps an eye on everybody's glasses to make sure everybody's topped off with whatever they're drinking. Like, that is nice service.

Leah: That is nice service.

Nick: So that there's always a sip in your glass. If your glass has gone dry, it is not unreasonable to take matters in your own hand. So okay, yeah, go for it. Pour your own water glass. Now, I think it's courteous to fill someone else's glass before your own. So I would say fill everybody else's water and then do your glass. That's a little nicer.

Leah: So fill your companions' glasses and then you drink from the bottle of the remaining water is what Nick is saying.

Nick: Okay, Leah is in a mood today.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: She's in a mood. Do not listen to Leah. Ignore Leah. So happy anniversary. I hope despite these water shenanigans, I hope it was a lovely meal. And yeah, I think you did your best with, like, this weird service.

Leah: Yes, very happy anniversary. And I think I'm just being—what did you call me? Unruly. I'm being slightly unruly because I feel like what has happened is that this place is made ...

Nick: They're trying to be fancy.

Leah: They're trying to be fancy, but they've gone off the path with water. It makes our letter-writer feel uncomfortable. And what am I doing? Am I supposed to be doing—was I supposed to know? You know what I mean? You're perfect.

Nick: And truly fancy places make diners feel comfortable and have a good time. I mean, that's really the mark of good service. And so we kind of missed the mark here.

Leah: So that's why I'm just being slightly ornery. I just want our letter-writer to feel like however they did water, they were great.

Nick: Yes. No, that's it. So our next question is quote, "I have noticed that over the years when my wife and I arrive to a party or family gathering and her sisters, my sisters-in-law, are present, and they are before us, neither of them will greet us or say hello. Other people will come over and welcome us in, but they will not move or even acknowledge our arrival. We always have to approach them to say hello. My wife thinks I am crazy for even noticing this, but am I? When entering a room where others are already gathered, whose responsibility is it to do the initial greeting? Those arriving or those already present?"

Leah: You- know what's so interesting is that, as we've told our lovely listeners before, Nick sends me the questions and then we do not discuss them.

Nick: We do not.

Leah: And—but we have read them. And I somehow skipped over this one.

Nick: Oh, you're coming at this cold?

Leah: So this is—I'm reading this cold, Nick.

Nick: Wow! Okay, we're gonna get a hot take from Leah Bonnema.

Leah: A hot take when you know I'm already worked up about people making people feel bad about water.

Nick: [laughs] So there's a couple of things happening here.

Leah: I immediately—when I visualize this, I think it's because I'm reading Jane Eyre right now.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, this is very that.

Leah: It is, right? And I immediately put everybody in the clothing of the times. [laughs]

Nick: I'm seeing some pretty long dresses right now.

Leah: This is a contemporary, but in my mind, we are in a large—when the room, when you walk in, like the entrance to a hall.

Nick: Yeah, you're in a foyer.

Leah: Yeah, you're in a large foyer. Everybody's in, like, full dresses, you know, suits. I just ...

Nick: Oh, yeah.

Leah: I've Jane Eyre-d this question up.

Nick: Yeah. No, I'm doing needlepoint in the corner, giving everybody side eye.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: That's what's happening over here.

Leah: Nick, that is the perfect character for you.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. No, I'm that person. I am the spinster sister who does needlepoint and knows what's happening. She knows all the gossip.

Leah: All the gossip. We gotta go to the corner.

Nick: Mm-hmm. So it is definitely odd that they don't acknowledge your arrival. That is weird. That is a little weird.

Leah: It feels weird.

Nick: It's weird. It's unnecessary. It's not how the world should be. Yeah, it's sort of like, why is that happening?

Leah: That doesn't seem right.

Nick: No, that does not seem right. And so you are not crazy for noticing this. And it is interesting that your wife doesn't notice this or doesn't think it's a big deal. Because it—I mean, it is rude to walk into a room and someone does not acknowledge you and they're right there. That's weird. I mean, you're basically being ignored because, like, they know you're there.

Leah: I can see a world in which, like, a lot of people are walking over to you saying hello, and in their minds they're like, "We'll just wait until they've done their other greetings." But they're not acknowledging you.

Nick: Yeah, I'm not even getting eye contact.

Leah: I'm not even getting a, "Oh, hello," and then, you know, "Oh, I'm gonna wait for a second."

Nick: Right. A wave, a something. Right. And that I feel like that's what's rude and that's missing. And, like, that's—I don't love that. Right.

Leah: But maybe the wife, whose sisters it is, has been like, "Oh, they've always been this way." And that's why she doesn't think that it's weird, because it's within their character they've been their whole lives.

Nick: Yes. Yeah, I mean, I guess don't take it personally.

Leah: Or take it very personally.

Nick: Yeah, either way.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But let's answer the question: whose responsibility is it to do the initial greeting? It's everybody's. This is mutual. It should be simultaneous. I walk into a room, I make eye contact with you. We have now acknowledged each other's existence. And then from there, like, I can say hello, I can come back to you. You know, like, we can have a fuller catch up later but, like, I have made eye contact, we've acknowledged both of us exist. Like, that's what is needed.

Leah: Who steps first in each direction?

Nick: Well, I'm entering a room, so I am in motion.

Leah: You're in motion.

Nick: And okay, you're already in the room. You're on the couch, so I am going to get close to you in a distance that makes sense to greet you. So it may be from the front door: eye contact, hand up, wave. Okay.

Leah: And I'm waving. "Hey!"

Nick: "Hey." Or I'm not even waving. I'm even just seeing eye contact and I'm mouthing the words "Hello."

Leah: "Hello! Yeah, I'll take that too.

Nick: I'll take that. I'm just like, "Oh, you exist. You entered the room, new person."

Leah: I think our letter-writer is also saying they always physically walk over to them.

Nick: Yes, they have to physically walk over to them to say hello. Yes, they're on the couch. They're not budging. They're not acknowledging you. You have to get in their personal space and be like, "Hello, we exist. How are you?"

Leah: So I think that Nick and I are twofold. I'm gonna assume the second one. But we both agree yes, it's odd.

Nick: Yes, totally odd.

Leah: And then B) it seems like it falls under the mother-in-law rule, which is that we don't go to the sisters and go, "Don't you think it's weird that you never come over and say hi to us?"

Nick: Yes, I think if your wife does not feel like this needs to be addressed, then I think we just sort of drop it.

Leah: We just drop it.

Nick: Although I think it would be fun to go out of our way to greet them super enthusiastically every time. "Hey! We're here! How are you?"

Leah: That could be fun. Or you can go the whole other way and just wait until it's almost leaving time to be like, "Oh, hi!"

Nick: Oh, that's not gonna bring harmony, because they'll be bothered by that. They'll think that's rude. There are those people who won't make an effort, but will judge you for not.

Leah: Then I think the point has been made.

Nick: Yeah. No, the point has been made. Hopefully these events are far and few between because they sound fun.

Leah: We could just let it go and think this is probably just a part of who they are, and I'm just gonna find the hors d'oeuvres table.

Nick: Yes. Yeah, I think you say your initial hellos, you make the effort, and then yeah, find the cheese.

Leah: Find the cheese. That's the title of our next book.

Nick: Put that on a pillow. I feel like find the cheese. Yeah. Don't be bothered by some petty thing, just find the cheese.

Leah: Find the cheese, says the needlepoint in the corner.

Nick: I'm gonna make a needlepoint of that.

Leah: [laughs] That would be actually a great needlepoint.

Nick: Oh, I'll learn how to needlepoint, and then put it on the online store.

Leah: Also, I'm really enjoying Jane Eyre. I missed a bunch of classics, so I'm hitting them now.

Nick: Ah, okay.

Leah: If any of our listeners have a favorite classic that I may have missed, hit me with it.

Nick: Of that era?

Leah: No.

Nick: Full of glances?

Leah: Literally any era.

Nick: Oh, okay. Oh, any classic. The Iliad?

Leah: I've read The Iliad.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: See, the problem is that nobody knows what I've read. But if you were like, "This is my favorite," you know?

Nick: Goodnight Moon?

Leah: Read it. These are great classics, Nick. But you know ...

Nick: Did you know Goodnight Moon was banned in the New York City Public Library system until relatively recently because the head librarian thought it was, like, not appropriate?

Leah: No, I did not know this.

Nick: Yeah, and even in some editions, like, the cow's udders, you know, like the cow jumps over the moon, the cow's udders were, like, covered because that was, like, felt too titillating for this librarian.

Leah: Perfect word choice.

Nick: Right? Yeah. No, she hated the book, and so Goodnight Moon was not available until, like, relatively recently in the New York City Public Library system. Isn't that wild? Goodnight Moon of all books.

Leah: Of all books. That is so wild.

Nick: I think it's actually my favorite.

Leah: It's a glorious book.

Nick: Yeah. Actually, I don't think I have a copy. I should get a copy. Oh! [laughs]

Leah: I would wait. I would wait.

Nick: Don't get a copy anytime soon.

Leah: Don't get a copy, Nick. Don't get a copy, Nick. I just—hold on one second, I gotta write something down.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: Oh, that's the other thing I wrote down for you.

Nick: You know what else I don't have? Gold bullion.

Leah: [laughs] Okay, give me one second. Let me write it—oh, it's so funny because I just—I opened up to the same page of where I wrote the thing down last time.

Nick: Oh, that I like brownies?

Leah: No, it's another one.

Nick: Oh, gosh! Oh, I can't wait for Christmas! So our next question is quote, "I'm writing in this very tricky wedding question that has me and my partner stumped. Me and my fiancé are getting married soon. We're having a small wedding of about 50 guests, and some close friends are invited to stay the night in the venue with us, including two friends—let's call them Chad and Lisa. They used to be a couple, but have recently broken up. Chad and I have been friends since fourth grade, and while not super close, we stay in touch and always pick up where we left off. About a year ago, Chad and Lisa visited and stayed in our home. Lisa and my fiancé immediately hit it off, and they have become best friends. At this point, they are closer friends than Chad and me, although they haven't been friends for nearly as long. After booking their plane tickets to our wedding and planning on staying, Chad and Lisa broke up. Now we're not sure what to do. Do we uninvite one of them? And if so, should we prioritize my long-standing friendship with Chad or my fiancé's closeness with Lisa? My fiancé would be very upset if Lisa can't make it, and while I would like for Chad to be there, I don't feel nearly as strong as she does. Do we still invite both of them to the wedding and ask one of them to book accommodations separately? How do we navigate this all in a polite and courteous way while each maintaining our respective friendships?"

Leah: I feel like this, we just let them figure it out.

Nick: Yeah. My first thought was: Why is this your problem?

Leah: Yeah, I would say, "Hey, we've obviously invited both of you. We love both of you."

Nick: Yeah. "Let us know if you're coming."

Leah: "Let us know if you're coming." And then if they want, they'll be like, "Oh, hey. We still both want to come, but one of us is gonna rent a room somewhere else."

Nick: Yeah. And I guess you could offer, like, "Hey, you know, we arranged the accommodation at this venue. If one of you wants any assistance finding somewhere nearby—because we totally get it, you know, maybe you don't want to share a room. If you want another place, let us know. We're happy to help."

Leah: And I think they'll bring up, "Please don't seat us at the same table." Like, they'll let you know at that point where they're at.

Nick: Yeah, they're gonna let you know. Like, if they can't stand to be in the same room, then this is on them.

Leah: Yeah, just let them work it out because they've already agreed. They've already booked their flights. Just let them know.

Nick: But disinviting is so extreme. I mean, I'm a little surprised that that even came up as an option here.

Leah: I think they're just nervous. They're nervous about one of them getting upset about the other one, you know, so they're, like, over worried instead of just being like, "They'll handle it."

Nick: Yes. But definitely do not uninvite. I mean, uninviting somebody to a major event like this—just generally speaking, this is not for the letter-writer. That is so extreme. I mean, that is kind of the nuclear option. And you really gotta make sure you really want to do that before you do that, because once you do that, you really can't unring that bell. I mean, that can be a relationship-ending event to disinvite somebody to your wedding. So yeah, just you gotta be real careful with that.

Leah: And ideally, Chad and Lisa don't want to put you in that position where you reach out and say, "Hey, love you both. You know, let us know if you need help finding a separate whatever—" perfectly that Nick said. And then if they were like, "We expect you to uninvite one of us. You pick, tell us who's your favorite." Then they've gone too far.

Nick: Yes. Oh, if they ask you to, like, "Oh, you have to choose." No, I will not choose. No. In fact, you are adults. You figure this out. If you cannot be in the same room, then you both can decide not to come, or one of you can decide not to come, but that's on you. I am not getting involved.

Leah: Yes, I would say that exactly. And also, happy wedding. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

Nick: Yes, make sure you send all of your wedding thank-you notes immediately. You do not have a year. That is a lie.

Leah: I want you to enjoy yourselves, and have a wonderful time and a happy marriage.

Nick: Okay, but I also want all of your guests not to email me complaining that you did not send thank-you notes.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: [laughs] Also have a nice time.

Leah: Thank you!

Nick: So our next question is quote, "My good friend from out of state is visiting next week, driving down from another state with her two friends whom I don't know. How do I invite just my friend over for dinner, and make it clear that I don't want to host her friends, too? Can I do that? Her two friends would be able to stay at her house while she's with me. I'm not unfriendly per se, but whenever I hang out with this friend, she tends to have, quote, 'the more the merrier' attitude, and loves to get big groups of her friends together. However, these extra people are all neighbors, their kids know each other, they go to the same church, et cetera, so they all inevitably start talking about people, places, and events that I have no idea about. So I'm just sitting there listening to them talk. So is there a way to invite just my friend without seeming rude and unfriendly?"

Leah: I don't know if there was a way you could say to your friend, "Is there a time that we could catch up privately, just the two of us?"

Nick: Oh, I think you can do that. Yeah, "I wanna have a one on one with you. I would love to just have a one on one catch up."

Leah: Yeah, there's a little one on one catch up time.

Nick: Yeah. "And I totally understand you've got extra friends, so maybe this is not the visit. So, like, totally understand if you're not free, but if you can sneak away for an evening, then would love to do dinner with you at my house."

Leah: And it also could be, I just feel like it's such a nice way to go to say a one on one, little private time together, as opposed to, "Can you come and not your friends?" It's just a nicer way to say it.

Nick: Yes, exactly. And you could even offer, like, "Oh, if you would like me to make some suggestions for something your friends to do that night while we're together, let me know."

Leah: And it might be easier for them to sneak away for, like, a breakfast or a lunch.

Nick: Yes, it can be difficult if you're traveling with other people to, like, ditch them. So you might not be able to get this from your friend.

Leah: But I like what you said, Nick, where you were like, "This might not be the time but, you know, I would love a little one on one if there's a way you could squeeze me in."

Nick: And it also makes it clear, like, oh, this is not a negotiation. This is not we're gonna do dinner with them. It's just like, it's a one on one. I understand if you can't do a one on one with me.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: But one on one is what's on the table.

Leah: Yes, I like that.

Nick: There's nothing else on the table.

Leah: That way you're not—you're not gonna end up with everybody.

Nick: Now I do want to address this idea, though, that one of the reasons why we don't want to hang out with the friends is that we feel like it's difficult to make conversation with them because we don't have anything in common. And yes, it is not great if you feel left out because they all, you know, are from the same community and, like, they're gonna be talking about things in their lives and you're not in that community. But I think it is a good skill to be able to insert yourself into a conversation and to steer conversations into more common areas, you know, more—more broad topics that we can all participate in. So if the only idea is, like, oh, you feel like, oh, maybe I don't have anything to talk about with these people or, like, it's just boring for me, maybe look at this as an opportunity to practice that skill.

Leah: I get the idea that our letter-writer is just adding that in because really they just want to see their friend and they don't want to see these other people. So they were, like, giving us, like, reasons why that maybe was sort of secondary.

Nick: Yeah, it may not be the real thing. But I think in general it's good just to practice. I mean, I guess, is that good advice? I mean, so often I'm, like, with people who are at dinners where it's just like, "Oh, why am I at this dinner party? I'm practicing these skills. Lucky me." [laughs]

Leah: I do think sometimes we want to see our friends, and that is the only time that we get to see them. And so it's worth it.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, maybe it's a cost benefit. Yes. I'm seeing my friend, and in exchange I have to tolerate some sort of inane conversation about the neighborhood gardening community or whatever.

Leah: And I do think I do like Nick's idea of a reframe where you're like, "I'm gonna do this. Let me think of it as a positive thing."

Nick: Yeah. Because it is actually a good life skill to be able to sort of like make conversation with people who are boring.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: It is. It's a skill. And like any skill, it takes practice. But I could see why we might not want to spend our free time doing this.

Leah: My feel, my vibe from this letter is that—because we all, I think sometimes, you know, go to places where we don't know anybody, and we talk and they're our friends' friends and we talk about them and we figure it out. And this, I'm getting the vibe that our letter-writer just really wants some alone time. And that's really what the issue is.

Nick: Yeah, and I just don't wanna have the friends around in my house. Fair.

Leah: Want to just catch up on the two of us.

Nick: And as a host, the guest list is up to you. So I understand.

Leah: I think we've given all the—a lot of options.

Nick: A lot of options. So our next question is quote, "I have a good friend that comes over to my place often. I recently noticed that she has the habit of running her hands through her hair and tossing the hair strands on the floor. Is that normal? I'm a clean freak, and I usually toss my hair in the trash can if I'm home, or if I'm at someone else's house, I'll either throw them in the trash or put them in my pocket or purse to toss later. What is the right thing to do? I thought of having a little desk trash can or lint roller handy and offering it to her the next time I catch her in the act. Would that be weird?"

Leah: It'll be a moment.

Nick: [laughs] Well, lint roller is different than trash can.

Leah: Yes, but it's the same—that person is like, they're running, then they have hair in their hand.

Nick: Yeah?

Leah: So then we hand them the lint roller and say ...

Nick: Well, I feel like—well, first of all, we should not be putting hair and then just, like, putting it on the floor of somebody's house, right? We agree.

Leah: We all agree, yes.

Nick: Right, we're not doing that.

Leah: I don't think that this person consciously realizes that they're doing it.

Nick: No, I don't—no, I hope not. No, they're just running their hand through their hair, and then it's like, oh, boop.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: So I think once the hair drops—I think they have to commit the crime first. So once the hair hits the carpet, I could be like, "Oh, I have a trash can." And then we, like, get the little trash can, and then, like, we put it near them so then they can, like, get the hair instead. That's really bold, though. Oh, that's horrible.

Leah: I mean, that's really ...

Nick: When I say this out loud.

Leah: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's gonna be a moment.

Nick: Right. Okay, so then the question is: is this the hill you want to die on? Is this just, like, oh, when this friend comes over, I just know I need to vacuum afterwards? Like, is that it? Do we want to say anything? And I think that's the question.

Leah: I would let it go. I'd be like, "I'm just gonna have to vacuum." But sometimes you have a thing that is a thing that really bothers you. And you're like, I can't—I can't.

Nick: So then we could put trash cans everywhere. So we could have, like, a trash can on the right side of the couch, trash can on the left side of the couch, trash can next to each chair.

Leah: I would put money, Nick, that this person could be sitting next to a trash can, and they're not conscious enough of what they're doing that they would still drop their hair on the floor.

Nick: Right. Okay.

Leah: And you would still have to say, "If you could just aim that towards the trash can."

Nick: Okay. Is there a nice polite way to say that?

Leah: The lint roller, I don't quite get because I guess we're waiting 'til the lint falls on the floor and then we're gonna lint roll the carpet in front of them? I don't know how it's gonna work. Are we gonna swing it in the air and try to catch it as it goes?

Nick: Oh, midair.

Leah: Midair.

Nick: Hmm. No, I guess we are gonna try to just roll the couch or floor wherever it landed. Yeah.

Leah: But what, with them still there?

Nick: With them still there. Or we're handing the lint roller to them, asking them to do it.

Leah: I think we should just take that one off the table.

Nick: Yeah, lint roller is—although, isn't that easier than, like, picking up a strand of hair with your fingers?

Leah: No, it may be easier, but I think it's—it's a—there's a more casual way to slip in, "Hey, here's the trash if you wanna drop it in there next time."

Nick: Okay, I think sticking with the idea that, oh, this is clearly not intentional. When the hair hits the ground, I think maybe you could do like a, "Oh, there's a hair. Oh, let me get my lint roller." And then we, like, lint roll.

Leah: Oh, that's nice. I like the way you—actually, now that the way you've presented the lint roller, I like that. But I like the idea that—I think in the lint roll, I would do the lint rolling. "Oh, there's a hair. Let me grab a lint roller." And then I would lint roll it.

Nick: Yes. No, as the host, you need to lint roll. I don't think we make our guests do that.

Leah: I don't think we have our guest lint roll.

Nick: And do we—actually, I'm gonna walk this out. Let me know if this is weird. Am I gonna say anything while this is happening? Or, like, we're just catching up, we're just, like, having coffee. We're at the coffee table. And you, like, plop some hair on my carpet. And we're talking and I stand up—we're still talking. We're gonna, like, go to the kitchen. You can still hear me. Grab my lint roller. We're gonna roll up the little carpet, pick up that hair. I'm gonna sit back down. We're gonna continue talking. We're pretending that I never lint rolled the hair up.

Leah: And then I'm gonna say, "Did you just lint roll my hair?"

Nick: Oh, I just, "Something caught my eye on the floor, so I just thought I would get it."

Leah: Okay.

Nick: I mean, it's a little weird.

Leah: I mean, the whole thing is weird. The whole thing is ...

Nick: But I don't like the idea of, like, we just allow people in my house to drop hair on my floor.

Leah: No, I know.

Nick: Is that just what we're allowing?

Leah: No, I just meant the whole thing is weird, like, I don't want to be here having to deal with my friend rubbing their hair. You know what I mean?

Nick: Right. I guess let's never have this person in my house again.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Or do we ask her if she wants to shave her head? That's a solution.

Leah: I mean, Nick's gone wild. I started wild and now we're ending with Nick wild.

Nick: I mean, it's—I'm putting it on the whiteboard. That would solve the problem.

Leah: I think your two options besides letting it go and just doing a deep clean after they leave is, "Oh, I have a trash can," and then bringing it out. And then I think they'll realize they'll be like, "Oh, I'm doing this."

Nick: Hmm. Okay.

Leah: The other one, I like that idea where you come out and lint roll.

Nick: Yeah, I think we do like a quick lint roll. It would be sort of like, if I had coffee and I set it down on my coffee table, and I wasn't using a coaster and there was like a little coffee ring that was happening. And I was like, as we're talking and catching up, I'm just like, "Oh, I'm gonna grab a paper towel," and then I just, like, wipe that up. And I'm not gonna talk about wiping up this coffee ring. Like, I'm not gonna make a big deal of it. I'm not gonna highlight that this is happening. It's just sort of like, as we're talking, like, oh, I'm just gonna wipe this up. So maybe that's the spirit. I'm just like, "Oh, we're just taking care of this hair thing on the ground." Real cazh.

Leah: I like that. If our letter-writer can nail it, and also I would love it if they would write in after and tell us how it went.

Nick: Yeah. Or is there something we can do with, like, static electricity? Can we somehow charge our home to make it repellent?

Leah: So the hair just stays in, like, midair?

Nick: Right? Is that possible? Can we somehow create charge in the floor? You know, sometimes inside museums, there's, like, that electrified ball that you can put your hands on and then your hair starts sticking up. Somehow let's make our whole house that.

Leah: Going back to your water-circle analogy.

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: So if you put a beverage ...

Nick: I love that you're just shutting down my whimsy that fast. Who are you today? Wow! The idea of electrifying your house is so delightful and you're just, like, moving on.

Leah: I think it's lovely, Nick, and I would love where you're going. I think it's fantastic.

Nick: All right, back to the water thing.

Leah: In that circumstance, if I came—and I wouldn't,—you know, and I would just grab a napkin and I came and I wiped it, I would then give you something to put under the glass.

Nick: Okay. I would want to do it in a way that wasn't a comment, but yeah.

Leah: It wasn't a comment, but I'm just gonna slide something under there so—because I don't want it to happen again. So it's like with the hair thing and you're just lint rolling it, then it would be like you would have to pull out a trash can or just sit there with your lint roller.

Nick: Oh, that does make it a little trickier. Right, because I would want to fix the problem and then have a prevention for the future. So yeah.

Leah: Except maybe if they see it, you do it once, they'll realize, I'm doing this.

Nick: Yeah, I think you have to decide, letter-writer. Is this the hill you want to die on? How important is this to you? I think if it's very important to you, then I think play it direct. That's the way to go. Rip off the Band-Aid. "Hey, can you just be mindful with what happens to the hair in your hands?" That's all. Stated, done.

Leah: I think whatever way will make them feel the least self-conscious.

Nick: I think if it's done in a loving way that assumes no ill intent, that it's just like, oh, you clearly don't realize this is happening but it's happening, so I just want to bring your attention to it. Very neutral, non-judgmental.

Leah: I'm still not against that lint roller idea.

Nick: Okay, audience. We need your help with this one.

Leah: Is this our first weigh-in?

Nick: Uh, I mean, we've asked our audience to weigh in before.

Leah: No, but I mean, this one is—we have ...

Nick: Oh, we have—we have not come to any definitive answer.

Leah: We have not come to any definitive answer.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: We have the direct conversation, we have the lint roller, we have the trash can, we have ignore it, we have never have this friend over again.

Nick: Yeah. And we also have electrify your whole house.

Leah: I apologize. Then we also have ask them to shave their head if we're gonna put on electrifying.

Nick: Oh, and shaved head. Yeah. Okay. But I don't think I feel strongly about any of these answers. So audience, let us know. What would you do here? What would be the correct etiquette approach? Is there an additional idea or two we haven't thought of? Although shaving your head ...

Leah: Another option on the table, speaking of if we're going electrified and shaving heads.

Nick: Oh?

Leah: Grandma's plastic on the couches. We just take that plastic. Or like a nice painter's sheet.

Nick: Oh, a tarp.

Leah: Lay it across the whole floor.

Nick: Okay. Oh, plastic! Okay. Actually, I don't think we need our audience anymore. I'm good with plastic on the couch. Yeah, grandma style. Yeah. Okay, that's the answer. But audience, if you want to weigh in with any additional thoughts, we will take it. And of course, we will take your questions, too. And we'll take your vents, your repents, your etiquette crime reports and all the fun things we have available for you on our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!