Dodging In-Law Requests, Melting Candy Bars in Diapers, Hiding Coffee Truths, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is quote, "My mother-in-law and I have had a tense relationship from the start. We keep things civil on the surface, but there's always that unmistakable layer of mutual disdain... all smiles and silent loathing. Oddly enough, most of our friction comes down to etiquette. She's made a hobby out of critiquing my hosting skills. Examples include: I don't have enough matching forks for 14 people. Who does? I use a dinner knife to spread butter. The horror! I don't push in my chair after cleaning the table because I'm, you know, clearing the table. And let's not forget, shrimp should always be served on a chilled platter. Always! All of this happens in my house during casual family dinners. She's a guest, but somehow I'm the one being graded. Now she wants to, quote, 'Do something nice by coming to my house, bringing all the food, and cooking a big country dinner for 11 people.' It sounds generous, right? But here's the thing: I don't want it. I know exactly what will happen. She'll rummage through my cabinets looking for, quote, 'acceptable' serving pieces, make not-so-subtle jabs about my cookware, and sigh dramatically anytime I don't have the exact tools she just assumed I would. I'll be stuck prepping, cleaning, setting up and playing hostess for an event I didn't ask for and won't enjoy. No, thank you! So here's my question. How do I say 'Thanks, but absolutely not,' in a way that sounds polite, but leaves no doubt? And bonus round: How do I respond to the ongoing commentary about my alleged hosting shortcomings? Because, frankly, I think criticizing the host is the real etiquette crime here."

Leah: Whoo! Also, just really quick unrelated.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: Please write a book called All Smiles and Silent Loathing.

Nick: [laughs] Great title.

Leah: Great title.

Nick: That's a great... that's your memoirs.

Leah: So good!

Nick: So oh, this sounds fun.

Leah: Oh, I just felt it. I felt it!

Nick: Yeah. I mean, this has been building up over time, too. I mean, this is, you know, a lot of layers of etiquette lacquer here.

Leah: Etiquette lacquer.

Nick: So...

Leah: Etischlack. Etishlack.

Nick: No, please don't.

Leah: Mannerschlack. What word am I... "shellac."

Nick: You're thinking of "shellac"

Leah: Yeah. Manner... well, when you try to put it with etiquette, it gets mixed up. Etiqueshellac.

Nick: Okay, we will workshop that. I'm sure we'll come up with a better term.

Leah: Polishcick.

Nick: Etiqulayers? Hmm.

Leah: Hmm.

Nick: Oh, now you got me going.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So what do we do about this?

Leah: Could we move?

Nick: Oh, just Witness Protection Program?

Leah: [laughs] Could we just get out of drivable distance?

Nick: Yeah. Okay, that's an option. Put it on the whiteboard.

Leah: I mean, we could do... I'm just gonna start throwing stuff out.

Nick: Bring it.

Leah: So the first one. For the first option, "How do I say no?" "Oh, lovely of you to offer. No, thank you."

Nick: Yeah, I kind of think that short and sweet is the way to go here. Like, "Oh, what a fun idea. Unfortunately, I don't think that's gonna work for me, but thank you so much."

Leah: And then I'm sure she'll get upset about it, but we just hold tight.

Nick: Well, then I think we have to pull from our etiquette toolbox the good old, "Thank you. Unfortunately, it's not possible."

Leah: And then before we say it, I think we tell our husband that this is what we're gonna say.

Nick: We need backup. Absolutely. Yeah. No, we need to make sure that he is gonna back you on this.

Leah: Yeah. And be like, "I need you to please also say no."

Nick: Right. But I think yeah, "Unfortunately, it won't be possible, but thank you so much." And then be like, "Oh, but why?" Like, "Well, because unfortunately, it won't be possible." "But why?" "Well, because it won't be possible, unfortunately." And you just keep... that's just what it is, over and over until they exhaust themselves.

Leah: "And thank you for your generous offer. It just doesn't work."

Nick: "Doesn't work for us. But ..."

Leah: "Thank you."

Nick: "Thank you." Yeah, I think that's it. And I don't necessarily think we have to go into deep explanations.

Leah: I think because it's family, it may come out. You know what I mean? It's gonna... she's gonna dig in. Son's gonna get involved.

Nick: Could we negotiate? Like, "Oh, what a delightful idea. I'm concerned that I would just be in the way. Is it possible for me to truly be a guest at this party?" And then she'll be like, "Of course!" And then you have permission to do nothing. Be like, "I'll be there at seven," and just leave the house. Just don't be there.

Leah: I mean, I know I always say that you should go through the spouse whose parent it is, so I want to recognize that I normally say that. I just feel like somehow we've been put in a position where now it's always the two of us. So I feel like we've passed that.

Nick: Yeah. No, this is a one on one. But I mean, a lot of this are just like snide remarks being made to you. And so let's just not be there. Like, if she can't find acceptable serving pieces, but you're not there to hear her dramatically sigh about it, well then, has it happened? It's a Zen koan. If passive aggressiveness happens in the woods but nobody's around to hear it, has it happened?

Leah: Oh, then it's gonna happen at the dinner table while you're all sitting there.

Nick: Oh ...

Leah: People are gonna get it in. People who want to get in will get it in.

Nick: Oh, gosh. Oh, you're right.

Leah: You know what we could say? I mean ...

Nick: Can I bring headphones to the table?

Leah: You're just wearing noise-canceling headphones.

Nick: [laughs] Noise canceling.

Leah: Nice Bose! We could just go wild and throw out a, "I have noticed that you," you being mother-in-law, "are regularly disappointed by the things I have in this house, by how I do things. And I feel like we're setting ourselves up for you to not be happy with what I have in the house, and I just don't think that that's gonna be a fun situation for anybody. But I appreciate it."

Nick: Okay. Oh, I like that. It's honest, it's polite. Yeah. Oh, I think that's it. Yeah.

Leah: Because you're then recognizing... because I think sometimes we want to point out to people it's because of your behavior that this is a bad idea.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: This is not me. This is you have historically insulted me. But we will say it in the other words. And then, "So I think that this is not going to work out the way ..."

Nick: And yes, we've probably let this build over years or decades. And so this conversation, I think, will feel surprising to the mother-in-law because I don't think she is aware.

Leah: Well, I... well, she's just been... she's gonna have to be likeshe knows she's throwing out criticisms.

Nick: You think?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: I don't know. Some people just... it just comes so naturally to some people.

Leah: It comes naturally, but they... they'll tell you it's for other... "Oh, I just wanted to... I wanted to be helpful. I wanted it to be right." But they know they're doing it.

Nick: That's true. Yeah, that's true. But yeah, I think that's the solution.

Leah: If people are like, "I can't imagine why you wouldn't like constantly be told you're not good enough." I mean, once they say the words, they'd be like, "Oh, I just heard that."

Nick: Yeah, okay. Fair enough. And just to play devil's advocate ...

Leah: Hit me.

Nick: Is there a world in which we would just be like, "Fine. Have this party. And I just know that you're gonna be horrible. And I know that this is just what this evening's gonna be. And I will just endure four hours of unpleasantness."

Leah: But our letter-writer has already commented they don't want to.

Nick: Okay. Which is fair.

Leah: Yeah. I don't really wanna have to work. You're, like, "Oh, let me bring all this work to your house." What a gift to you.

Nick: Right? You're welcome. Yeah. And you know that she is thinking of this as a gift to you.

Leah: Well, I think she's also thinking of it as, like, "I'm gonna show everybody how it's done!"

Nick: Oh. Oh, it's totally that, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, she's just trying to prove a point about how hosting should be done. Mmm. Oh, that's nefarious.

Leah: We could go real casual with a, "Mmm, I'm good."

Nick: I mean, that works. Yeah. Like, "Nah." Or just thumbs-down emoji. Pass.

Leah: Boo!

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. Okay, so letter-writer, let us know how this goes. Very curious to see.

Leah: Three tiers of options.

Nick: A lot of options. So our next question is quote, "My husband and I are expecting a baby soon, and two of our close friends... let's call them Chad and Lisa... offer to throw a baby shower, which we said sounded great. They mentioned it twice in passing, but articulated no plans, details, et cetera. My concern is that they aren't always reliable, especially lately where they say they'll do something and then back out at the last minute, often for smaller things like coming to a party. What is the right way to ask them if they are actually serious about throwing this party? I don't want to sound presumptuous or make it sound like I don't think they'll do it. However, there are people we would want to include that I know they don't know, so there is some planning involved, and I worry they may not be prepared to do it. I'm afraid it is one of those things that people say to be nice without much thought. Any words of wisdom on how to navigate this?"

Leah: I just felt like this one, you could be very straight up with them. Not about the part where they have been dropping the ball a lot. Not about that part, but about ...

Nick: Right. [laughs]

Leah: "Thank you so much for your generous offer. We sort of wanted to start planning because we'd had people asked us or told us that they wanted to be involved. How would you like to move forward?"

Nick: Okay. Or, "Hey, I wanted to loop back with you about the shower. Let me know if you were still interested in doing that, or if that doesn't work for you."

Leah: I like "Loop back with you."

Nick: Yeah, I think that's good. It's like, "Oh, just checking in. You mentioned this thing. Does that still work for you?"

Leah: "Does that still work for you" is a great line.

Nick: "Is it convenient at this time? You know, no worries if not. Just wanted to check in on that." Or if you're worried that they'll be like, "Oh, no, no, no, we totally want to do it," then I think in that same conversation, I think you gotta bring in a buddy. Be like, "Oh, our other friend Tanya, she also wanted to do it. Maybe you guys can work together." And that way, if Chad and Lisa drop the ball again, you got Tanya. And then you can give Tanya a heads up, which is like, "Hey, Chad and Lisa? Probably not reliable. So, like, you're gonna have to do it all yourself."

Leah: And our letter-writer mentioned that they wanted to have certain people invited. So I think that's when we say that. "We wanted to check in if this still works for you. I had some friends that I wanted to make sure were invited."

Nick: Now it is possible to have more than one shower. The rule, though, is you cannot basically invite the same person to more than one shower, though. Like, you don't extract more gifts out of people by inviting them to multiple events. So I guess the question is: What circle of friends is Chad and Lisa? And maybe you have a separate shower for the people they don't know, and you just start planning that separately. And if Chad and Lisa totally drop the ball, then anybody that's in that circle, like, you could just, like, invite to this other shower.

Leah: That works, too. I guess our first... our first line, our first step is to be, like, "Circling back. Does this still work for you?"

Nick: Yeah, I think we just need to touch base again.

Leah: And then get the vibe.

Nick: And get the vibe of how sincere they really are, and do they have the capacity and the competence to pull it off?

Leah: And once we decide that, we either get some... a second person on party with them, or we do what Nick said was where you have two, and then we just say it's because you're in different groups of people.

Nick: Right. Yeah. Okay, I think that's kind of how we'd handle that. Yeah. But yes, this does make me personally... what's the feeling? I definitely have some nervousness about people who offer to throw parties. And you're like, "Do you know how to do that? Because it is a skill." And so I would be nervous. Rightfully so.

Leah: It's also a lot of work. Like, do they realize that it's a lot of work?

Nick: Yeah. And a request. This is a sidebar request. At these baby showers, there is often a game in which you microwave candy bars in diapers, and then people have to guess what candy bar it is.

Leah: No.

Nick: By eating it.

Leah: No. That's not real.

Nick: That is absolutely real game that is played at baby showers. And can you picture it? It's like a melted chocolate candy bar.

Leah: I'm not... I don't want to see it. But now I can't unsee it.

Nick: And you have to be like, "Oh, that tastes like Snickers. That tastes like Milky Way."

Leah: No!

Nick: That's something that's happening. And so I would like to make a request. I think this should not be happening. So can we not do that? Thank you.

Leah: Couldn't the diaper set on fire in the microwave?

Nick: I don't know. I think you just do it enough to melt the candy bar?

Leah: I've never been at a baby shower where this has happened.

Nick: I can promise you this does exist in the world, and I'm sorry that you're learning about it today for the first time.

Leah: And also, I love chocolate, so I would be willing to eat it in a lot of circumstances, but even I would be like, "No!"

Nick: That's too far for you?

Leah: No, I don't want that!

Nick: Melted chocolate in a diaper?

Leah: Poo chocolate?

Nick: [laughs] Oh, way to make it explicit, Leah.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I was trying to be coy about it, but yes, you're basically eating poo chocolate.

Leah: [laughs] "Hey, do you guys want to play the poo chocolate game?"

Nick: That's what it's called. I think that is a name for this game. Yeah. "Guess the poo chocolate."

Leah: "Guess the number two."

Nick: Anyway, our next question is quote, "My job involves project management, and I'm often working with a variety of people I might not know well and discussing their schedules with an eye to task management. When people tell me stuff like, 'I'm gonna be out for the rest of the week,' I often reply, 'Hope you're doing something fun.' And then I wonder to myself, what if it's a funeral? A medical emergency? Is this rude to say? What would you say?"

Leah: It's so funny because as I read this, I know our letter-writer is just trying to say something lovely.

Nick: Yes, totally.

Leah: And then my first thought was like, of course. But then I remember having people say, "I hope you're doing something fun," when I have not been doing something fun.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah.

Leah: And then I feel like I have to explain that it's not something fun.

Nick: Right. Yeah. As I was thinking of this, I mean, Miss Manners often talks about not going out of your way looking for trouble, so don't take offense when none was really intended. So if you're the recipient of something like this, just let it go. There's no need to sort of weigh in or explain what not fun thing you're actually doing.

Leah: Yeah, that's... it's not a thing to... I feel like you want to be like, "Oh, it's actually... " but then it's like, it's... you just say thanks.

Nick: Yeah, thank you. But I think it probably is more neutral just to be like, "Okay, thanks for letting me know."

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: "See you when you get back."

Leah: And I get that our letter-writer was just trying to be positive and friendly, but I do think it's a place where we could just be like, basically a say nothing. "Thanks for telling me."

Nick: Yeah, that's it. Just keep it neutral.

Leah: Which feels sad to me because I like the idea of wishing people like, "Oh, I hope you'll be running through a forest with ..." you know?

Nick: With what?

Leah: With wood nymphs.

Nick: Ah, yes. Okay. I do hope that.

Leah: You know what I mean? But ...

Leah: Do I hope that? No, I don't. I guess I hope that for you. I don't hope that for me.

Leah: Nick, I hope you're in the cleanest hotel room with the whitest of white sheets with the very minimal decor, but definitely a few paintings here and there just to highlight the hotel theme.

Nick: Yes, but they are Sugimoto photographs, and it's just the ocean at night. And they're black and white.

Leah: Oh, they're black and white. And then there is a Toto NX1 toilet.

Nick: Oh! Oh, now you're speaking my language. Well, I hope... I hope you hope that for me. Yes.

Leah: I mean, if we knew each person specifically, I would say, "I hope wherever you're going there's a Toto NX1 toilet." But we don't. Also, maybe I wouldn't say that. I may. You know me.

Nick: I mean, I think if you knew that someone truly loved the Toto NX1 toilet, that would be a kind thing. Because also, depending on what you're doing, even if it was a horrible thing, a funeral, I do hope there's a Toto NX1 toilet there.

Leah: There is, but I don't know if people at, like, jobs that are not comedy clubs, people reference toilets.

Nick: Fair enough. Yeah. No, it's not... I wouldn't say toilet is a universal choice for these emails.

Leah: Because then I feel like somebody would be like, "My project management person is emailing me about toilets." [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So I guess, is there a ...

Leah: They would be like, "No. I wrote into a podcast, and that's what they told me to say."

Nick: That's true. Yeah. Our advice for everybody, no matter what, is to always reference toilets. Yes. That's the official advice from this podcast. Is there a nice way to say something that is sort of neutral but positive? Like, it's not a "Hope you're running in the forest with wood nymphs," but is there something like, "Okay, thanks for letting me know," and then some sentence that is a little something?

Leah: You know, because it's... we're just conveying joy for them, which I feel is, like, sad that we're, like, to a point where we're like... we're being like, "Don't do that." But I do think that this way we are... in case they're going through something, but I do like the idea of finding a middle sentence, but I don't know what that is.

Nick: I mean, it's not "Hope you enjoy ..." Is it a, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you while you're out?" Does that kind of show concern?

Leah: But what if they say yes, and then it's a whole bunch of stuff that you... I actually don't... and then you're like, "I actually don't do any of that. Why would you ask me to do that?"

Nick: I don't want to pick up your dry cleaning. Um, yeah, maybe there's not. Maybe there's not. Maybe we just leave it neutral. "Hey, thanks for letting me know. See you on the flip side."

Leah: "See you when you get back."

Nick: Maybe throw in an emoji?

Leah: What emoji? A waving hand?

Nick: Yeah, I was, like, thinking confetti, but that's kind of positive.

Leah: "Thanks so much for letting me know. I hope this is for something exciting and not because something horrific happened. Let me know."

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, I don't know if that really strikes the right tone.

Leah: No, it definitely... and then you could have two emojis.

Nick: Oh, there you go.

Leah: A happy one and a cry one. And they can just click which one it is.

Nick: Or theater mask? Comedy and tragedy together? One emoji.

Leah: I feel like the safest option, which I hate that I would say the safest option. Here I am again.

Nick: Wow.

Leah: Is just to say, "Thanks so much for letting me know. See you when you get back."

Nick: Yeah. And I think you could do a, "See on the flip side," if you wanted to add a little whimsy.

Leah: Is "On the flip side" a little whimsy?

Nick: I mean, I wouldn't necessarily put that in a legal brief.

Leah: I don't think I would put it in anything, to be honest.

Nick: No? [laughs] I mean, I wouldn't want to, like, schedule a dental appointment and they're like, "Okay, we'll see you on the flip side." Like, I feel like there's a casualness to this phrase.

Leah: I know, but it seems sort of like I'd be like, "Flip side of what?"

Nick: I honestly use "flip side" all the time in email.

Leah: Do you?

Nick: It does come up quite often. Yeah. Yeah, actually, I think I just wrote it this week where somebody was like, "Hey, just so you know, I'm gonna be on vacation until, like, the 21st." And I was like, "Okay, I hope you have a great time off. See on the flip side."

Leah: And were they like, "On the flip side of a record?"

Nick: No, because then I got the out of office.

Leah: I guess also if they were like, "Hey, I'm taking vacation," then we can say, "Hope you have a great time off." But if they say, "I'm taking personal time," I think that's the thing. Do they say, "I'm taking vacation," or do they say, "I'm taking personal time?" If they say, "I'm taking personal time," we just stick with a, "Okay, thanks for letting me know."

Nick: Right.

Leah: "See when you get back." Because if they say vacation, we say ...

Nick: "Hope it's a great trip to Middle Earth."

Leah: "Hope it's a great trip to Middle Earth. See you on the flip side."

Nick: [laughs] Okay, perfect. So our next question is quote, "My husband and I are fortunate to both have jobs as university faculty members in the same department and in the same research area. We are also lucky to have some lovely colleagues who make our daily work a delight. However, one issue that I occasionally encounter is that when my colleagues have difficulty getting in touch with my husband, they contact me and ask if I can contact him on their behalf. Although I didn't give this too much thought the first few times, the continued occurrences for over a decade have become increasingly irritating, since I feel like my colleagues assume that as a woman, I'm my husband's secretary and the keeper of his schedule. I'm at a complete loss for how to respond to my colleagues. I don't want to fulfill their request, since that'll send the message that continuing to treat me this way is acceptable. My husband has encouraged me to ignore them, which is what he does, and which is why I end up with these emails from them in the first place. But I feel that is rude to not respond at all. The best solution I've crafted is encouraging my colleagues to send one more ultimatum to my husband, informing him that if he doesn't respond then they will be forced to contact me instead, and that I won't be happy about that. Although that solution has certainly gotten some laughs from my colleagues, it unfortunately has been woefully ineffective. The straw was receiving yet another one of these messages today from a colleague who's fully aware that I'm on maternity leave right now. I simply do not have the energy or patience to be asked to nag my husband about work-related matters while also managing a few-month-old baby. If you can devise an effective solution, I will not only gladly execute it, but will also give you full credit as the architects, and will encourage each slightly offending colleague to listen to your show as a homework exercise."

Leah: I also noticed... which I... we have a lot of themes in these questions. We get a lot of relationship.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: As couples dealing with... and then also, we have two letter-writers with babies.

Nick: True.

Leah: We have an expecting baby and a new baby. So congratulations to everybody.

Nick: Indeed.

Leah: I also want to say this one hits deep.

Nick: Yeah?

Leah: I think anybody who works with their significant other. I'm gonna say particularly the women. This may happen to a man, and I would love to hear from ...

Nick: No.

Leah: No. I always would like to leave it open, but I've had to come up hardline with this with people.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Who try to get to Dustin through me when he's not responding. Because I also am the same. I try to respond. I like to respond. He responds differently. So I've just now have to... it's one line. "I don't like to be in between other people," or, "You need to contact him directly. I'm sure you understand." Boom.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I don't think we want to accommodate. No.

Leah: Because people... it's unbelievable to me. People just keep doing it.

Nick: Yes. Well, once you do it once then people know, like, oh, well that's effective. That's how we do it.

Leah: I will have said to people's face, like, to try to explain it. This is how I learned that you don't even try to explain it. To try to explain, "Oh, it's, like, weird on our relationship that I would have to then do... so I don't want to be a part of this." And then they do it anyway. So then you're like, "Oh. No."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think it's as simple as that.

Leah: And if they get a little bent up out of shape about it then they have to at some certain point, say, "Oh, I want you to get your husband to do something for me." They have to say that as a coworker, and then maybe they will hear why that's ridiculous.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I see why we want to do it, because it does sound convenient. Like, oh, this is a way to get a message through. But often when something like this happens, I'm purposely not responding to you. I got the email. I am choosing not to prioritize it.

Leah: Well, and our letter-writer's home on maternity leave.

Nick: That... that detail, I mean, right. I mean, the person that sent that email knows she's on maternity leave.

Leah: I almost feel like I'm that person. I want to be like, "Hey, I'm home on maternity leave."

Nick: I think for that I can just ignore the email. I feel pretty good about, like, oh, I don't need to respond to this.

Leah: I once had somebody say... who I don't know that well, but they're also in comedy. And I was doing something, I was making a decision about something, and they were like, "Well, what does Dustin think about that?"

Nick: Oh! Just like, "Have you talked to your husband about this?"

Leah: "Have you gotten permission?"

Nick: "From the man?"

Leah: I mean, they did... they didn't even know the two of us together. You know what I mean? And they weren't like a group friend.

Nick: [laughs] And so the year was 1953 ...

Leah: It's just people... I don't think people are realizing what they're... not that it makes it okay, but it's like they harbor all these things inside of them, and then it comes out and you have to be like, "No."

Nick: And did you respond to that? Be like, "No, I didn't check in with Dustin about this."

Leah: I respond to things like that with a joke, like, "Oh, I'll call him and get him to write you a note."

Nick: Yes. Well, after you finish cooking dinner.

Leah: [laughs] Yes.

Nick: After supper's ready. So our next question is quote, "My father-in-law recently mentioned offhand that he stocks a special signature coffee bean blend that's 3/4 decaf and 1/4 caffeinated. I stay at his house for a few days every summer, and suddenly I understood why I always felt oddly sleepy and headache-y when I'm there. I feel like fully-caffeinated coffee is the default expectation, and when you serve something else, you should tell people what they're consuming. I feel oddly violated for being misled into consuming less of a drug than I intended to consume."

Leah: [laughs] Who's been slipping me decaf?

Nick: [laughs] Also a father-in-law question. These are so rare.

Leah: So rare!

Nick: We rarely get these.

Leah: Yeah, we had that one about appetizers.

Nick: That's true. Yeah, they are so far and few between, so delighted to get a father-in-law question today.

Leah: Also, I'm obsessed with caffeine.

Nick: Yes. I'm trying to cut back. I'm definitely, like, trying to do one cup of coffee in the morning, just a little espresso to start my day and then that's it.

Leah: I'm picking up Nick's slack.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I've doubled my caffeine.

Nick: But I agree the default setting is here's coffee, and so that is caffeinated. Unless in your house you serve coffee in a carafe that has an orange handle. Unless it's an orange handle in your house, that coffee should have caffeine in it.

Leah: Agreed. Default setting of coffee? Fully caffeinated.

Nick: And so if you are veering from the default, you are obligated to discuss this and disclose this.

Leah: Then you would say, "This is not real coffee."

Nick: Right. "This is a shadow of coffee."

Leah: [laughs] This is a shadow of coffee.

Nick: Yes. Because yes, one-quarter caffeine? That is a weak cup. That is a weak cup of coffee. And if you're used to a certain number of milligrams of caffeine per day, you will not be getting what your body's expecting.

Leah: I would just start bringing coffee with me.

Nick: Oh. Well, that's the solution to the letter-writer. Absolutely. Yeah, just BYOC.

Leah: BYOC. Which is how I live my life. I got two... I got a holster.

Nick: Holster?

Leah: With a little... little cold brews in it for backup.

Nick: Okay. [laughs] What you didn't see is that Leah's a quick draw at the cold brew.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So yeah, I think there is a violation here. And that it was only just, like, mentioned offhand. It was just like a passing reference. He was never gonna mention it.

Leah: Well, I don't think he thought it was a big deal.

Nick: Oh, okay. I don't know.

Leah: Well, because he thinks it's his signature bean blend. He thinks it's like, "Oh, this is a fun thing." I don't think he was maliciously trying to mess up your milligrams.

Nick: No, it's not a malicious act.

Leah: He just doesn't understand the importance.

Nick: No, he does, which is why he has created a signature blend that has less caffeine for him. He knows exactly the consequences of caffeine. That's how we got to this signature blend. He doesn't want full-strength coffee because he's aware of what full-strength coffee is.

Leah: No, you're right, you're right. That is... you're right.

Nick: So ...

Leah: But I think in his mind it's like a fun thing.

Nick: Yes. Okay.

Leah: Not that that makes it okay.

Nick: No, it doesn't make it okay.

Leah: And yeah, it should have been brought up up front. "This is my signature blend. It's a quarter strength."

Nick: Right. And then I think you have the option of, like, drinking four times as much, or doing a coffee run into town or bringing your own.

Leah: And I would just... I'd be like, "I need my coffee!"

Nick: Yeah. I think hosts understand that.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: So yeah, letter-writer. Yeah, I think you can totally feel violated here. I support you.

Leah: Also, if you ever come over to my house, we only have extra-strength coffee, and then there is multiple forms of caffeine in the refrigerator, so I got your back.

Nick: Okay. I mean, caffeine? It does work. It does work. Sometimes a little too well.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So thank you for this great question. And you out there, do you have questions for us? Let us know! You can let us know through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!