Using Napkins in Italy, Changing Passwords on Friends, Handing Strangers Your Phone, and More

Nick: Do you complain about Italian napkins? Do you make unrealistic demands in your Airbnb? Do you block people from getting coffee? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

[Theme Song]

Here are things that can make it better

When we have to live together

We can all use a little help

So people don't ask themselves

Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: I'm very interested!

Nick: [laughs] So for today's amuse bouche, Leah, I have mailed you something.

Leah: You have!

Nick: Please take this envelope which says "Do not open and tell the amuse bouche," and open it.

Leah: Which was written in red ink, so I know it was serious.

Nick: Of course. So as Leah opens this, I will explain to our audience. I was in Italy last week, and I was in Salerno, which is near Naples. And whenever I travel, I'm always interested in finding great bakeries. So I researched, like, what are some of the best pastries in Salerno? And I found this great pastry shop. And so, Leah, open this envelope and explain to our listeners what you have.

Leah: I have napkins.

Nick: You have napkins. So describe what they are. What do you see? What do they feel like?

Leah: So they feel a little bit more substantial.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Well, they're thin, but I would say it's a little more papery than, like, a soft napkin.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: It's almost like—and it's sort of in the shape of a brown bag, a mini brown bag. The bottom is folded up.

Nick: That's true. Yeah. There's sort of like a little fold at the bottom. That's true.

Leah: I assume this is a Romulus and Remus.

Nick: So isn't that interesting? So I did not actually connect that until way later. So the place I went to was called Romolo, which is the Italian name for Romulus. And Romulus was the brother of Remus, and those two kids founded Rome. And as you'll recall, they were raised by a wolf. And on this napkin, there's actually a wolf and there's, like, two little kids, like, hanging out, dancing underneath the wolf.

Leah: It's a really fun logo!

Nick: It's a great logo. So yeah, I mean, how funny that one of the best pastry shops in Salerno is this raised-by-wolves-inspired place.

Leah: Literally literally raised by wolves.

Nick: Literally. They were literally raised by wolves. Yes.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But they did good. I mean, they started Rome, which I think that was a good thing.

Leah: Imagine we just switched the premise, like that that was the best ...

Nick: Being raised by wolves is a good thing?

Leah: Yes. But I mean, I think we've all agreed that wolves have wonderful qualities.

Nick: Yes. Wolves themselves are great. It's just—moving on.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So back to the napkin. So describe this napkin, and tell me more about the texture.

Leah: So the texture is almost bib-like.

Nick: Interesting. Yeah. So actually open it all the way. Unfold it, unfurl it.

Leah: I mean, it's linen texture.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, there's sort of an embossed texture.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And on the back, what's happening?

Leah: It's softer on the back. It's more of a wax paper.

Nick: Yeah. There's like a plastic coating on it. So Leah, what I want you to do is take some water, and I want you to pour the water on your desk there, and I want you to use this napkin to mop it up.

Leah: What's so funny is that right before we started recording, I said to Nick, "I gotta fill up my water because I've just been over-hydrating." And he was like, "Yeah, make sure you have water for this taping."

Nick: Yeah, make sure you got some water.

Leah: I did think it sounded a little suspect, the way he said it.

Nick: That I was, like, particularly interested in your hydration today?

Leah: Yes, more so than normal.

Nick: Okay. So yeah, pour a little out.

Leah: Okay, I did.

Nick: Make a little spill. And now use this napkin to wipe it up.

Leah: Okay, I did it.

Nick: And how'd it go? Tell me about the results. How successful was this?

Leah: I went with the linen side.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So I'm not going with the waxy side.

Nick: Yep.

Leah: I mean, I guess it didn't really sop it up that well. It kind of more moved it around.

Nick: [laughs] Right. Exactly. So what is hilarious about these is when I was in Italy, my social media feed was full of Americans complaining about these napkins and how terrible they are, because yeah, they are not absorbent at all, because they are coated on one side with, like, plastic. And so they don't absorb anything. And so the question is, like, why does Italy have such horrible napkins in their coffee bars?

Leah: Well, they're so cute.

Nick: They are cute, that's true. But I mean, adorableness is not an explanation.

Leah: Well, I feel like they're for—aren't they more for, like—I feel like they have that feeling of, like, what you would put your—your croissant on, or your, like, little—you know what I mean? You would put your baked good on it.

Nick: I cannot believe you got it.

Leah: Did I get it?

Nick: That is exactly what is happening. Yes. These are not napkins. That's the whole thing. They're not napkins. They are pastry holders.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: They are to prevent you from getting dirty in the first place. And why they have this texture is to prevent sugar or creams or things from sticking to it. Because a normal napkin, as we would think of it, would, of course, get, like, stuck on a croissant or a brioche or something sugary or creamy.

Leah: I'm sorry, I'm glowing. I'm glowing a little bit. That was taking up some air time.

Nick: Yeah. No, that's just—that's the whole thing. Yeah, they're not napkins, so don't use them thinking they're napkins, because they're not really napkins. They don't work. They don't absorb anything. They just move liquid around on the table.

Leah: They're like mini plates.

Nick: They are like mini plates. They're mini tongs. They're mini plates, yes. But why they're so common in Italy is because, A) they're super cheap. I mean, these are, like, super cheap to make, but also often they are sponsored. So in a lot of places, they'll actually have, like, the coffee brand name, and Lavazza is gonna pay for these napkins and then send them to the cafe.

Leah: Mmm!

Nick: And so for advertising, the coffee brand is happy to do it. And then the cafe gets free napkins. And, like, everybody wins. And so that's why they're just super common.

Leah: I'm delighted that now I have—I now have a small stack.

Nick: Yes, I did send you a nice selection.

Leah: And I'm actually gonna have my toast after on this.

Nick: Oh, how dainty!

Leah: Very dainty.

Nick: And so if you do need real napkins, like, let's say you actually needed a napkin, you can ask for it. Chances are they do actually have, like, real paper napkins behind the bar for you. Or better, just carry your own tissues. I mean, I always do when I'm traveling. So just have your own tissues.

Leah: You can have your tissues from when you are saving seats.

Nick: Yes. Yes, when you're in Singapore and have some extra tissues, then you can bring them to Italy and use them to wipe your mouth.

Leah: I mean, perfect.

Nick: Wow. Perfect! So yeah, that's the story with these napkins. Don't complain about them because you're not using them as intended.

Leah: I love this!

Nick: There you are.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep and into homes.

Nick: Mmm! So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about being an Airbnb host.

Leah: Yes. Because we've sort of discussed being the guest in Airbnbs.

Nick: That's right. But yes, being a host, I think, comes with its own etiquette responsibilities.

Leah: And it's also interesting, I recently stayed at an Airbnb with a friend where a lot of these things came up, where we were like, "Is this appropriate that the host is doing this?" So it was interesting to think about it from the other side.

Nick: Yeah. So for me, I don't love Airbnbs. I do love hotels for many of the reasons we're about to discuss. And so I think for me, the biggest hesitation with Airbnbs are rules from the host that feel totally unreasonable. And I think there is a growing chorus of people which are pushing back on this, so I think this is changing a little bit. But for example, there's a cleaning fee, but then you have a long list of things that I need to clean before I can leave, in addition to the cleaning fee.

Leah: Yeah, that was at the top of my list.

Nick: And it's kind of like, what are we doing?

Leah: Do I have a cleaning fee that's substantial, or am I—at one of the recent places I stayed in, I had to strip all the beds, I put all the towels in, I started the wash. I put all the dishes into the dishwasher, I started the dishwasher. I had to take the trash out. And then it was, like, also a huge cleaning fee.

Nick: Right. And so I appreciate maybe taking care of the things that, like, if you're not gonna get back right away, oh, maybe it'll be gross. So, like, taking trash out, I can handle that. I feel like that's within the zone. Loading the dishwasher and running it? Okay. Okay.

Leah: I mean, I'll do it. It's not a big deal.

Nick: The laundry thing? Starting the laundry? I don't love that.

Leah: Well, it's also the stripping. I'll even—like, some places, they'll be like, "Can you throw the towels in the laundry?" And you don't start it.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Fine. But now I'm—if I'm stripping the beds and I'm doing the towels, it's like, that's obviously two loads. I can't get it all in one.

Nick: Right. And there are some hosts which are like, "Oh, not only do you need to start the laundry, you also need to finish it and remake the bed."

Leah: Yes. So now it's like, I gotta put it in the dryer, you know? And I got to start before I leave.

Nick: Right. I was like, "Oh, I'm trying to get out of this place. And now I'm here for another two hours?"

Leah: I know. And then they're like, "And you need to be out by 10. You gotta be out by 10 because the cleaning people are coming." You're like, "But I'm doing half the cleaning."

Nick: And then I did see people complaining online about some host had a $30 admin fee that they would tack on if they had to charge you for something. So let's say they wanted to charge you for the cleaning, then they said they would also charge you a $30 admin fee for having to invoice you for the cleaning.

Leah: That seems like a lot.

Nick: That's a lot. And then I saw online somebody—and I can't imagine this is allowed, but they were like, "There's a $100 fee for every day you post a negative review, and that fee will happen every day until you take it down."

Leah: No, that can't be real.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, I hope that's not real, because that's wild.

Leah: I mean, I'm sure as an Airbnb host, you have to deal with so much garbage.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: And you need to protect yourself.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: It's just some things feel very extra.

Nick: Well, I don't want to be treated like a teenager who has a curfew and chore lists and surprise visits. Like, I don't—I don't want that for my vacation, or whatever I'm using this Airbnb for. Like, I just don't want to be treated like a criminal before I've even gone there.

Leah: And also, like, with the cleaning and the cleaning fee, this cleaning fee is not like $50. This is—they're like hundreds of dollars.

Nick: Right. I mean, it does feel like cleaning is part of the deal. So I feel like that should just be built into the rate. And charge more if you need to. But, you know, if I have just done normal wear and tear, there shouldn't be any fees on top of that.

Leah: This is the thing we experienced that was brand new to us, which is why I talked to Nick about it. So we were in a dog-friendly Airbnb. Specifically dog friendly, so they know there's animals there. Which comes with its own fees. And then we were in Arizona in the summer. It's hot.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: They set the air conditioner at a certain temp.

Nick: How warm was it?

Leah: It was 78.

Nick: Okay. That's definitely on the warmer side.

Leah: So on the warmer side. We have animals.

Nick: It's a dry heat, though. [laughs]

Leah: But I mean, it was not—it was uncomfortable for the dog.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, that's—that's a little warm indoors.

Leah: And it's locked, so you can't change it.

Nick: Oh, okay.

Leah: So then we had to message and be like, "This is too hot for the animals." You know what I mean?

Nick: Yeah, that's not safe.

Leah: You know, dogs can go up to, like, a hotter thing, but it's like, we're paying money to stay there. We would like to be comfortable.

Nick: Right. Yeah, do we need to go out of our way to be comfortable? Right.

Leah: I just felt that—I mean, I guess some people probably put it down to, like, 60 degrees and keep it there the whole time. But, like, isn't us renting it a part of it we're controlling the temperature?

Nick: Right. Or at least if you needed to set the temperature, at least let's have a range that feels a little more realistic.

Leah: A little more realistic.

Nick: Like, can I go down to 74?

Leah: Can I go down to 74?

Nick: Right? And was any of this disclosed in advance?

Leah: No, it was not disclosed in advance.

Nick: That's the problem. Yeah, I think so often the issue is a lot of this is not disclosed up front because had you seen, like, "Oh, by the way, we only set the thermostat to 78," you probably would not have booked this place.

Leah: Yeah. And there's also a lot of people that don't like to be warm.

Nick: I know. Isn't that funny? Hmm.

Leah: Hmm. Also, the Airbnb host came over.

Nick: Oh, just unannounced?

Leah: No, they announced it, but they came over twice to look at the pool.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So they would ring the doorbell, not come in, and then go around the back.

Nick: Okay. Be like, "I'm here."

Leah: And then just go around the back and work. You know, with—the whole back of the house was like glass, so it felt very ...

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I don't know if you need to come over when people are there. It sort of feels ...

Nick: Like he was cleaning the pool or doing work on the pool?

Leah: Yeah. And it was like, you know, we are all women. You know what I mean? And, like, it's just kind of weird.

Nick: Yeah, I guess it would be nice, unless it was sort of an emergency or, like, it was sort of required. Or if you got a heads up, which is like, "Oh, pool cleanings are on Wednesdays."

Leah: Yeah. Or they're like, "I'm gonna be here from this time to this time. It's just for pool cleaning, and then I'm gonna leave."

Nick: Hmm.

Leah: Or, like, "There's an emergency with the pool. I'm just gonna come in and come out."

Nick: Yeah. Oh, emergencies? Yeah, obviously that's a different category. But yeah, okay, this did not sound like the best Airbnb host.

Leah: Right? It was weird.

Nick: That's not great. Yeah. I don't love that. So I guess in terms of the etiquette, I guess the way I think about it is that, yes, it's a business, but it's the hospitality business. And I think we do need to make sure our guests feel welcome and not micromanaged. And so I feel like we need to achieve that balance somehow.

Leah: That's what it is. It's like, you feel like you're being watched, you're being micromanaged.

Nick: And also, like, give me the benefit of the doubt. I know there's a lot of horrible people out there who totally abuse spaces. Like, I get that. But I think most people are conscientious. So, like, don't punish the rest of us for the actions of a small few. And, like, most of us are gonna take care of your space, but we also don't want to be treated like children.

Leah: Well, and also, we've all been rated. You can see.

Nick: Also that. Yes, also that. True. So yeah, so give us the benefit of the doubt that, like, this is gonna be okay, I guess. I think that's reasonable.

Leah: I think so, too. I mean, I'd love to hear from—if we have any Airbnb hosts, I'm sure they've had terrors happen.

Nick: I'm sure there's horror stories, of course. And then also with these rule sheets, like, so often it's like, "Oh, here's a laminated list of 5,000 things." And it would be nicer if the tone of that was a little warmer, a little more like, "Oh, we'd appreciate it if you would or would not." Rather than, like, "Failure to comply will result in fines!" You know? Can we have a little warmer approach to this?

Leah: I've stayed at some very lovely places. I want to say that.

Nick: Yes, I think hosts that get it, I think, are super hosts, and they understand, like, this is the deal. I think it's people who maybe are less experienced with it, or maybe have a friend managing it for them. And then it's really the friend that puts all these laminated signs everywhere, telling people what they're not allowed to do.

Leah: And I think, you know, I hear this from my friends who are online dating as an issue. Have your pictures match the experience that I'm gonna have.

Nick: Oh, yeah. Make sure they're current. Yeah.

Leah: I've stayed in some very rustic places.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: But I knew they were rustic going in.

Nick: Right. Yeah, you don't want to be surprised or feel like you were totally misled.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Or it says like, it's three bedrooms, but that third bedroom is actually a broom closet.

Leah: Yes, yes, yes. [laughs]

Nick: With, like, a beanbag chair shoved in the corner. Right.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Like, this is not a bedroom.

Leah: We actually stayed in this place that was maybe twice as big as the vibe that the woman had put on her—I was like, this is humongous!

Nick: Okay, that's a happy surprise.

Leah: Yeah. I was like, "What?"

Nick: I did see some viral posts where it was some hotel room that had an ocean view, but when you got into the actual room, it was a fake balcony and there was just a picture of the ocean.

Leah: No! No! No!

Nick: But from the photos in, like, the book-the-room website, it looks like an ocean view through a balcony.

Leah: No!

Nick: But definitely was not. [laughs] So yeah, you know if you're being misleading.

Leah: I mean, that is a straight up fib.

Nick: Yeah. No, it's definitely misleading.

Leah: Wow. I think the whole trick is, like, open communication. And ...

Nick: Yeah. Well, I think if you're a host, you can set whatever rules you want. I think you just have to be very clear about them upfront before someone books, give people the opportunity to be like, "Oh, that's too much for me." And then they can decline.

Leah: Yeah, that's what it is. It's like, also, if you're like, you're gonna have to clean when you leave and there's a cleaning fee, if that's what you want, fine. But tell us in advance so we can decide whether or not that's for us.

Nick: But yeah, I would love to hear from Airbnb hosts, like, what is your experience from the host perspective, and sort of what would you advise other hosts to do?

Leah: Because, like, I've had people who had something, like—when I was staying in one—this is an example of the communication, where the Airbnb host hadn't been there in a while, and they said, "Hey, do you mind checking on—" it was like something in the ice maker for me, and letting me know if it still works. No, I don't mind at all.

Nick: Yeah, that seems okay.

Leah: Be delighted. It was an easy communication.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And they told me that before I was there. They were like, "We haven't been there in a while. Last time we were there, as you know, we had sent the cleaner over. I don't know if this is gonna work." So it was all up front. I don't—you know, things don't need to be—I think there can be glitches. It's fine.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I remember staying in an Airbnb in Quebec City. And it was—I mean, it wasn't great, because they were doing construction outside.

Leah: Oh.

Nick: And I guess the Airbnb rules are such that they don't have to disclose that to you.

Leah: Oh.

Nick: Because it's not happening inside the property. And it's kind of like, you knew this street construction was happening. And there was no way for me to know this was happening unless you had disclosed it. And it's sort of like that's not great. But then inside the Airbnb, they did that classic Airbnb decor thing where, like, it's all white Ikea except, like, there's just, like, random art stuff.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: That's, like, brightly colored. And then for whimsy, they had, like, a classic arcade game like in one corner. And like, okay, how—how whimsical and fun. You know, it pops on the listing. I did not rent this place because that was in the listing photos. But what was fun about it—and by fun I mean not fun—is that at random unspecified intervals ...

Leah: Oh no!

Nick: ... the machine would do the classic arcade thing which would, like, make noise and try to attract people to play the game.

Leah: [gasps]

Nick: And so it would do that throughout the night.

Leah: No!

Nick: And of course, wouldn't you know it, the plug was such that it was, like, locked in and you weren't allowed to unplug it.

Leah: No!

Nick: So—because obviously I was just like, "Oh, let me just unplug this thing." But that wasn't possible, so it just made this random arcade beeping noises at regular intervals all night long. And of course because it's one of these Airbnb apartments, they don't typically have, like, area rugs or a lot of carpeting because they want easy-to-clean floors, so it's just a very lively space where that sound bounces off of everything. So here I am in my polyester low-thread-count sheets trying to sleep on an airplane-sized pillow. And here we are. Wasn't great. [laughs]

Leah: That would drive me crazy. A random noise randomly in the middle of the night? Constantly?

Nick: Yeah. But, you know, five stars. I mean, okay, fine.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But would not rent it again.

Leah: I'm gonna say this again. This is the third time I'm saying this. I'm sure Airbnb hosts really go through it with guests. We're just saying ...

Nick: Yeah, just you're in the hospitality business, and so just make guests feel welcome and not like criminals.

Leah: Yeah. Please don't lock your temperature down.

Nick: Yeah. Just be reasonable with your expectations, and clear. And then let, you know, potential guests decide if that's a good fit for them.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: That's all. That's all we want.

Leah: That is all we want.

Nick: Yeah. Very reasonable. So good luck out there!

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question comes from a great voicemail. And we love getting your voicemail. Usually I just transcribe them because they're just faster for our show, but I got this great message. It's clear, crisp audio, and so here it is.

[Listener: Hi, there. Big fan of the show. My question is: I allowed a friend to be one of the users on one of my streaming accounts about five years ago when I went to visit her. We logged into it together using my account. She is able to stream as much as she wants, no problem. Well, we subsequently have fallen out. No big deal, no big crash, no big bang, but we just don't really talk anymore. We look at each other's Instagram stories, but that's really it. Just kind of like a dividing of the path, if you will. Well, today I saw that there was a random user in this streaming account, so I just assumed that my account had gotten hacked. It's not a name that I recognize. I figured this thing probably happens from time to time. So I went in, did the typical security stuff, signed out of all other devices, changed my password, et cetera. My question is: Do I need to tell this friend that I've done that? Will it be rude for her to find out when she goes to stream something that she can no longer get into my account? It bothers me not at all that she uses it. It's no sweat off my back, but I also wouldn't want her to think, considering that we're not really in touch, that it did bother me and I intentionally logged her out. I really just did it because of this person who probably hacked my account. Do I need to reach out? Thanks! Bye.]

Leah: I feel like if I was on somebody's streaming account for five years, and then all of a sudden the password—I would—I wouldn't even necessarily assume that they even had the account anymore. I'd be like, "Well, that was a good run."

Nick: Yeah, that's actually what I wrote down. "Well, you had a good run."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Because you did. Yeah. I mean, that was five years of free whatever.

Leah: Five years of streaming.

Nick: Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah. I mean, I guess the way I was thinking about this is: What is more awkward, reaching out or not reaching out? And so I think reaching out is more awkward, because what is that conversation? "Hey, I had to change my password, so I'm not gonna give you the new one, but just here's a heads up?"

Leah: No, I think our letter-writer is saying that she would give them the new password.

Nick: So "Hey, I just changed my password. Do you still want to have access to my account?"

Leah: Or "Hey, I didn't want you to think I was changing it because I was booting you off. I was just changing it because I got hacked. If you still need the password, feel free to ask me."

Nick: I guess you could do that. Morality aside, aside from the passwords and stealing, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Like, we're not getting into that for this conversation. So we're just talking about the etiquette consideration of reporting a change in password.

Leah: Stealing. You think that she gave the password to somebody else?

Nick: Well, technically you're supposed to use these passwords in these accounts for you, yourself. You're not supposed to give them to everybody for them to use in their own home.

Leah: Well, originally it was because she was there. So she was watching it with her friend.

Nick: Right.

Leah: Her friend just never logged her out.

Nick: Right, Exactly.

Leah: I wouldn't feel bad about changing the password and not telling her.

Nick: No. And I don't think we say anything. Yeah, I think we just let it go. And if she brought it up, which would be wild because, like, you guys don't talk anymore—you like some Instagram stories and that's the extent of your relationship. If she reached out, you could be like, "Oh, so sorry. I had to reset my password because it got hacked."

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: End of story.

Leah: And as an example, I have a friend who gave me a password for something recently—close friend, talked to them a lot.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: And if I logged in and that password was changed, I would be like, "Oh, they probably changed their password. And then also it's not my business."

Nick: Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So end of story.

Leah: And that's somebody I talk to regularly.

Nick: Yeah. Okay, so there you have it.

Leah: But I love that our letter-writer is so conscientious.

Nick: Very conscientious. So our next question is quote, "What is the etiquette when you want to refuse something given with an open heart? I am an avid reader, and keep a long and ever-updated list of books I intend to read. I have two well-intentioned friends that knowing my love of reading, press their just-read favorites onto me. The problem is that their tastes are not mine. I've tried to say no thank you in a grateful way, but the friends are hurt. I have taken the books and held onto them for a while as though I was reading them, but then the friends ask how did I like the book? And I don't want to lie. Or in one case, the book was new, and it was obvious I hadn't opened it. So what is a polite way to set a book boundary to my well-meaning and loving friends?"

Leah: This is such a great question because this has happened to me.

Nick: Yes. Well, for those who don't know, Leah is soliciting ideas for classic books to read.

Leah: [laughs] Oh yes, that is true. And some of you have DMed me on Instagram.

Nick: So yeah, so you maybe have some firsthand experience with this.

Leah: Well, this is interesting because, like, when people are giving suggestions, people can suggest it and you just go, "Oh, thank you." And then the ones that you—are in your wheelhouse you read, and the other ones you just say thank you. And this right here I've had actual experience with, where you have somebody you can't just say thank you to. They follow up, they want you to read it, they take it personally if you don't read it.

Nick: And they're physically giving you the book.

Leah: Yeah. It's a whole other thing.

Nick: So that's a whole other thing. Yeah, because now I have this physical object in my house.

Leah: And just related back to Nick is that I am looking for recommendations and I do love them. That was not related to this question. I think Nick's thought was just books.

Nick: Yes, it was a book-related thing.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Leah likes books. This is about books. That's as far as I went with it.

Leah: It wasn't that Leah doesn't actually want advice.

Nick: [laughs] So I think we try to set a better boundary, which is like, "Oh, so thoughtful. That sounds so interesting, but I'm trying to get through my current list right now, so I'll have to pass for the moment. But thank you!"

Leah: That's also what I had.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I had that as a first round.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then as a second round, we just look caringly into their eyes ...

Nick: Mmm, deep into the soul.

L ... and we say—yeah. We say, "I really appreciate this and I love that we share a love of books. This just really isn't my genre." Or whatever ...

Nick: Okay. Okay.

Leah: And then we let their feelings be hurt for a second, because the other option, if they haven't taken up the "I have a long list of books already," the other option is that we then have to make up a story.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Which is not—I'm not gonna make up a whole story. You know what I mean? We're not doing that.

Nick: Yes, especially if you prefer nonfiction.

Leah: [laughs] Nick is definitely not making up a story.

Nick: No.

Leah: And we're not gonna read 398 pages to make our friends feel better.

Nick: No. We can't live in that world in which we're reading books out of obligation to our friends.

Leah: No! Life is too short!

Nick: The other idea I had was to maybe set a boundary by creating a rule which is well known, which is like, "Oh, I'm only reading Bhutanese fantasy fiction right now. So that's what's on my reading list, so I can't add anything unless it's Bhutanese fantasy fiction."

Leah: But also, I think it would be collectively great for all of us to remember to not take things personally. Like, we could recommend something to a friend and it just might not be their thing. And it's no comment on our friendship. It's no comment on that we like it.

Nick: Yeah. That was the thing actually that bothered me the most, is that you say no thank you in a grateful way, but the friends are hurt.

Leah: Yeah. It's like we can't do that anymore.

Nick: Yeah. Like, I don't—I don't love that. That's not helpful.

Leah: So I think that if we have to have a moment where we allow them to have their feelings hurt, they will get over it.

Nick: Yes. And everybody should just remember yeah, everybody has different taste. Everybody has different taste.

Leah: Like, I love my sword class. You know, I like books about swords. I like movies about swords.

Nick: Oh, we're reading books about swords?

Leah: I'm just getting swords everywhere.

Nick: Like Swords 101?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Or just books that have, like, a sword storyline.

Leah: Well, I was already reading books with sword storylines in it but now ...

Nick: Right. I feel like you've got that covered.

Leah: Yeah, I already was in there. But now I'm getting books about swords.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: But if I was, like, to a friend, "Oh, you gotta read this book," you know, and they're like, "Oh, I think it's so fun that you're into that. You know, not my thing." I'm not gonna—of course they don't wanna read about swords. They're reading about whatever they wanna read about.

Nick: Yeah, I—I am not interested in reading about swords.

Leah: You know? And I'm not gonna—I'm not gonna—my feelings aren't gonna be hurt.

Nick: Yeah, I'm happy for you to read about swords, but that's not really on my list.

Leah: And I think, you know, we don't want people's feelings to be hurt. We want them to be—and I'm saying this from experience, so we try to, like—but they can take that responsibility on themselves that they're letting their feelings be hurt because you are reading what you want to read.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, so sorry that I want to read the things I want to read. Yeah.

Leah: I mean, there—I know that we'll be like, "But can't you try something for your friend?" Like, if you wanted to invite me to a restaurant and I wasn't sure I liked it? Happy to try it. You know, this isn't like a happy to try it. This is like a I'm dedicating ...

Nick: Yeah. Commit to this novel.

Leah: Commit to this novel, when there's novels that I love and I'm already into it. We just don't have to do that.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I don't think you have to do this. I think one idea is maybe read the first chapter. Just read the first chapter. Like, "Hey, I read the first chapter. Very interesting. Don't think it's for me, but thank you so much." Is that an olive branch? Or that doesn't—that doesn't help us?

Leah: I would say that if I didn't get the idea that this is happening regularly, and they aren't constantly giving me books that are just not my—like, I have a very particular genre of books.

Nick: Yeah, you do.

Leah: I've tried books outside of this genre. I'm not interested.

Nick: Yeah, you want paranormal romance.

Leah: No, Nick, that is not really my genre, but I do—I have enjoyed one. But I like thrillers.

Nick: Oh, you like thrillers.

Leah: I like detective stories.

Nick: Well, you also like Christmas.

Leah: And I like Christmas. Okay, so let's go back, because I have a lot of genres.

Nick: [laughs] But that's actually a fairly narrow set, right? I mean, that's a ...

Leah: And now I'm reading all the classics, but I have a lot of things I don't want to read. And you could say, "Read this," and I would be like, "No."

Nick: Yeah, you're not doing World War II historical fiction.

Leah: I would do World War II historical fiction because there is ...

Nick: Okay, well then I don't know.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: You're not reading etiquette books.

Leah: That's for sure. If Nick asked me to read an etiquette book, I'd be like, "Saddle up to somebody else, buddy, because it's not gonna be me."

Nick: [laughs] They're very fun reads, though.

Leah: I'm sure they are.

Nick: Yeah. But yes, I could—I could see why deciding what the correct color of curtains for your dining room in 1922 is maybe not what you want to read about.

Leah: But I love that you love reading about it.

Nick: I do. Yeah, I do. And watermelon pink, I think, is the right color.

Leah: I could see that. Yes.

Nick: Right? Doesn't that feel right?

Leah: Mm-hmm.

Nick: So you out there, do you have questions for us? Let us know! You can let us know through our website: WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: I'm gonna vent, Nick.

Nick: Okay. What has happened?

Leah: Well, I actually did a video about this, so some of our listeners may ...

Nick: Oh, I wonder if I saw this. What happened?

Leah: Well, what happened was I was in a waiting room.

Nick: Mmm.

Leah: This—you know, I feel like people have certain things which we've discussed before. I have a thing where people come up to me and tell me deeply personal things.

Nick: Yes. You are the type of person where that happens.

Leah: I also am the type of person where a lot of people come up to me and give me their phones. Like, I had it happen twice last week. This man just came up to me. He was like ...

Nick: What do you mean? Like, "Here's my phone?"

Leah: Yeah. He was, like, lost and he was trying to find something on his ...

Nick: Okay.

Leah: ... Google Maps. And he was just—gave me his phone.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And he just pointed to it, and I just took it. I mean, it was night time. I just took it. I—I don't know.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And then I helped him find where he was going. So I mean, it's in my—it's happened regularly in my life. So ...

Nick: How curious!

Leah: Yes. Very odd! But this—so this woman came up to me, a little bit older, and she just handed me her phone with, like, this look, like, you know—so I immediately was like, oh, it's like the Google Maps thing or, like, she's having trouble with an app.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then she looks me straight in my face and says, "Can you take a picture of the rash on the back of my neck?"

Nick: [gasps] [laughs] That's unexpected!

Leah: And then she goes, "'Cause I can't get it myself."

Nick: Ah, okay?

Leah: And I'm now holding this phone that she's ostensibly been ...

M: Touching her ...

Leah: ... itching her rash with.

Nick: Oh, wow.

Leah: And I just felt like it could have been disclosed before she handed me the phone.

Nick: Yes. I would have wanted some conversation before I touched the phone.

Leah: "Hey, I have something on the back of my neck. I know we're complete strangers. Do you mind taking a picture of it?"

Nick: Are there no—was this a medical waiting office?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And so are there no professionals available?

Leah: The thing is is that I didn't have time to think about any of that.

Nick: But I mean, the request in the first place. Like, A) can we not wait until we're in the appointment room with the actual medical professional we're there to see? If not, is there anybody behind the desk that's available for this?

Leah: My guess is that she had just come out of the ...

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And they were like, "Yeah, you have something on the back of your neck." And she wanted to see it.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I don't know. I have no facts. All I know is that this is what happened. And, like, had she been like, "Oh, can you take—" then I would have said, "I think there is other people that are more appropriate."

Nick: Right. "Let me help you achieve your goals."

Leah: "Let me help you achieve this goal." But I already had the phone, assuming it was gonna be one of the normal things I get which—"Can you show me which app this is? Can you help me with this map?" You know, any of—rash never came into my mind.

Nick: Not in my top 10.

Leah: And I'm—I'm already in it now. I've already touched the phone.

Nick: Yeah, you're already contaminated, so you might as well just do it.

Leah: I might as well just do it. And this is my favorite part. I took the picture, and then she's told me that my picture wasn't clear enough.

Nick: [laughs] She had notes?

Leah: She had notes about my picture.

Nick: [laughs] Okay, so now we have to take it again.

Leah: And I go, "One more." And then she's like, "Uh ..." and I go, "That's what it looks like."

Nick: Okay. All right. Set the boundary. Wow. Wow!

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Oh, that's—that's something that happened.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Yeah. So I mean, learning lesson for me. I have to stop just randomly—just when people come up to me and they look lost, my reaction is ...

Nick: Yes, never do a kind thing ever. That's the lesson.

Leah: I waited until she was out of eye shot and then I ran because I didn't want to be rude.

Nick: Burn my hands off.

Leah: Yes, I did. I ran to the reception desk and I was like, "Sanitizer!" And then I did the full, like up to the elbows.

Nick: Oh, at least. Yeah.

Leah: And then I did go home and set my hands on fire, but I—and she knew what she was doing. She got me.

Nick: Oh, she had a rash. Yeah. No, she knew what was happening. Yeah. Yeah, I don't love any of this.

Leah: [laughs] Well, what's funny is that then I went into the—my doctor's appointment and they—blood pressure first.

Nick: And you're like, "We have a new thing to talk about."

Leah: My blood pressure was like—she goes, "Oh, your blood pressure is kind of high." And I go, "I just had a whole thing." I go, "Give me five seconds to calm down. Take it again."

Nick: Wow. So for me, I would like to vent. So as you recall from earlier in this episode, I was traveling recently. And golly, isn't it interesting how people's sense of personal space and mindfulness just goes out the window during air travel? Like, it's really—it's really wild, because it's like you cannot be this oblivious in your regular life. Like, you just can't be. And so something about this environment really just makes people, like, completely oblivious. And so I am in the lounge. Jealous?

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Who are you, Rockefeller? No, so I'm in the lounge and I'm gonna get a cup of coffee. And the woman in front at the machine is making coffee, and what you're supposed to do is as soon as the machine dispenses the coffee, you move to the side to then add whatever you need to add: sugar, milk, however you need to dress it, all that takes place to the side. And so this woman just decided that the place to do all of that, and to take a very long time to do it was at the machine. So that cup was still on, like, the little dispensing pad as she's reaching for some sugar.

Leah: No.

Nick: As she's deciding which milk to pick. And it's sort of like I was jet lagged because this was, like, a connection in Paris. And so, like, I did not sleep on this overnight flight. And I would like some coffee, and I'm not in the mood for this. And my internal monologue is like, "Oh, are you foreign or are you just rude?" Like, that's what I was thinking. Are you just—do they do this in your culture? And am I being insensitive right now for being impatient, or is this universally rude? And I decided there is no culture in the world that does this, that's like, "This is fine. This is how we do it. We inconvenience everybody when we're making coffee." So yeah, she was just rude. But I was like, this is—this is unacceptable.

Leah: Did you tap your foot?

Nick: Well, so isn't that interesting? So as this is happening, you don't necessarily have a great view of what's happening because she's sort of blocking the coffee procedure. So at first I was like, oh, maybe there's something wrong with the machine or, like, it's not done yet. Or, like, oh, wow, that coffee's really taking a long time to brew. And then she starts getting the sugar out, and then it's sort of like, okay, well how long could that take? And, like, I'm not gonna rush her at this point because it'll be two more seconds. But then once we sort of like, look at the different carafes of milk and are deciding what milk to choose, then it was sort of like, "Oh, I'm in too deep now." So just went about to say something, like, then she was done, and all I could do was just give her a look, which was like, "Really? Really? Is that what we're doing? Is that what we're doing right now? Oh, isn't that interesting? Bonjour to you, too." So that's the best I had, you know, at 7:00 am after a red eye flight. But yeah, it is wild that people are so oblivious about just how the world works in an airport.

Leah: Yeah, it's just like, take your thing, move to the side.

Nick: That's it.

Leah: I mean, that's everywhere.

Nick: That's everywhere. Ah, air travel's so glamorous!

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: I learned that there is a place out there where they will have a plugged-in arcade machine in a place that what you're there for is to sleep, and that that would go off through the night.

Nick: [laughs] It was so terrible. And I learned that you know a pastry picker-upper tissue when you see one.

Leah: I do. I would say I'm a professional.

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, please follow us on social media. We are making adorable videos. They're adorable! And we also do all this other fun stuff, and we want you to see it because we make it for you. So please pick your favorite platform and follow us.

Leah: Follow us, interact with us.

Nick: Yeah, message us. DM us. Like our stuff. Ask us stuff. Yeah, interact. We need it. We crave the attention. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: I'm sending out a cordial of kindness to my neighbor Jesus, who last week I was, like, having one of those weeks where it just felt devastating. Like everything that came in was just bad. And you know when you, like, get to a point where, like, things that you could normally handle, you can't even handle.

Nick: Yeah. You're like, "I have no more bandwidth."

Leah: Yes. And I was, like, outside in my pajamas during the day. You know what I mean?

Nick: Oh, it's a dark place.

Leah: Clear, telltale signs. Walking the dog, and I was just, like, saying something else that, you know ...

Nick: You're muttering and shuffling in pajamas. Yeah, that's not a great look.

Leah: [laughs] And he—you know, we're very—we're right next door neighbors, and they have dogs and, you know, we chat all the time. And so half an hour later, he had, like, gone to the store and, like, got me some, like, things to make me happy, and for the dogs. And it was just like, it was the nicest, most neighborly, wonderful gesture. And I mean, it turned my whole life around.

Nick: Oh, that'll put a spring in your step.

Leah: What was so special is that I hadn't even asked. He just, like, read me being at my limit, and he was like, "I'm just gonna do this."

Nick: He's like, "I think this woman could use some candy corn right now."

Leah: Yeah. He's like, "I see. I'm sensing a breaking point, and I'm gonna stop by and just make sure."

Nick: That's a great neighbor.

Leah: I mean, I was so touched.

Nick: And for me, I want to say thank you to all of you who've done your homework. So as you recall, I've been asking you to make sure your stationary wardrobe is ready to roll, which means you've got cards, you've got stamps, you've got pens. And to prove it, I've asked all of you to send me a letter. And you guys have been doing your homework.

Leah: Look at that!

Nick: And it's been so fun. Yes, I have a bunch of stuff from the PO box today, and it's been so fun to see all of your fun cards and all of your great handwriting. And these are very lovely notes. I'm gonna send these to Leah in Los Angeles so she can read them. And it's just been so nice to just get all these lovely notes. And I hope you all have enjoyed writing them as much as I've enjoyed receiving them, because I think there's something fun about sending mail. I think there's just something fun about it. So I hope more of you do your homework. Please send me a nice letter, because I need the validation, and I need you to fill the void that only these letters will fill. And so our PO box address is on our website, so you can find it there. And please send me mail.

Leah: Nick loves it so much.

Nick: I really do!

Leah: The first thing he said to me when we logged on today was, Our listeners have such great handwriting."

Nick: They do! Yes! Yes, the penmanship, very nice.

Leah: So thank you so much.

Nick: Yes, thank you.