Sept. 27, 2021

Slipping Out of Parties, Preventing Excess RSVPs, Stopping Coworker Texts, and More

Etiquette, manners, and beyond! In this episode, Nick and Leah answer listener questions about slipping out of parties without saying goodbye to the host, preventing excess wedding RSVPs, stopping coworkers who text too often, and much more. Please follow us! (We'd send you a hand-written thank you note if we had your address.)


Etiquette, manners, and beyond! In this episode, Nick and Leah answer listener questions about slipping out of parties without saying goodbye to the host, preventing excess wedding RSVPs, stopping coworkers who text too often, and much more. Please follow us! (We'd send you a hand-written thank you note if we had your address.)

Have a question for us? Call or text (267) CALL-RBW or visit ask.wyrbw.com

 

QUESTIONS FROM THE WILDERNESS:

  • Do you have to say goodbye to hosts when leaving a party?
  • How accommodating do I have to be to my vegan house guests?
  • Is it OK to pre-fill in the wedding RSVP card for my guests?
  • What do I do about my coworker who texts too much?
  • What’s the best way to leave a professional networking group?
  • Vent: Putting wine on my tab

 

THINGS MENTIONED DURING THE SHOW

 

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO...

 

CREDITS

Hosts: Nick Leighton & Leah Bonnema

Producer & Editor: Nick Leighton

Theme Music: Rob Paravonian

 

TRANSCRIPT

Episode 107

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Transcript

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And I'm Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we got so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: That we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is, quote, "At a medium- to large-size gathering, 50 to 100 people, is it okay to leave without finding and thanking the host before departing? My preference is to quietly depart and send a nice thank-you text and hand-written note the next day. But I think this might be rude."

Leah: I love to slip out. That's like my jam. But I think that you can't slip out without thanking the host.

Nick: No. Generally speaking, it is considered rude to leave without saying goodbye. Yes.

Leah: I think you can get away with not saying goodbye to anybody else.

Nick: Oh, absolutely. Yes. If you want to slip out after that, then no problem.

Leah: And then I'll always send a text to people that I was talking to that maybe I should have been like, "Hey, I slipped out. Great to see you!" But I think the host, you have to go say a thank you.

Nick: Yes. And I mean, unless this is a Great Gatsby party and it's, like, impossible to find the hosts, I think you'd still need to make an effort, a very good effort to try and find them. And a hundred people party? Like, you can find them. They're like the queen bee. Like, they are always gonna have, like, a little circle around them. So you can, like, pull out the frame out of the super and you can find her. That's a little beekeeping reference, everybody.

Leah: [laughs] Beekeeping reference.

Nick: Oh, sure!

Leah: But I totally understand wanting to just slip out. I get that. But I think you should just be like, "This is gonna take five minutes. I can totally do it."

Nick: Yeah. And I mean, there are some exceptions. I think if this is a college frat party and you don't know who the hosts are because you just, like, showed up? Then okay, yeah, you could slip out. Or if it is a wedding, the rules are a little different. Like, after the cake is cut, you can leave without saying goodbye if you've already had enough face time with the newlyweds earlier in the evening. So, like, there is some exception there, but at, like, a nice evening cocktail party in somebody's home? Yeah, you should say goodbye and thank them for the hospitality.

Leah: I think even at a wedding, I would still say goodbye.

Nick: It is nice to say goodbye, yes, but at a wedding, if they're on the dance floor and you were going to be interrupting, like, obviously you don't want to do that.

Leah: You do a fun wave and blow some kisses.

Nick: Well, yes. And I think a lot of people are like, "Oh, I didn't say goodbye because you were busy talking." Like, you can just catch their eye and sort of do that wave and mouth, like, "I'm leaving! But, like, nice to see you!" Like, you can do that.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Just get the eye contact and kind of signal that you're leaving. I don't think you want to have the moment of the host being like, "Oh, did Leah leave?" Like, I don't think you want to do that to your host.

Leah: Yeah. "Where did they go? Was everything okay?" You know that you just don't want to have that happen.

Nick: Right.

Leah: "Did they get kidnapped?"

Nick: A possibility, yes.

Leah: "Did somebody steal them?"

Nick: [laughs] Now there are parties that the host will actually go up to bed while the party's still happening. This does happen sometimes, and will just allow the party to continue downstairs. And so, yes, I think if that happens, you should not go into their bedroom and wake them up to say goodbye. So that would be an exception to this rule.

Leah: That would be an exception, I've never been to such a party, but I mean, who am I kidding? I don't really go to a lot of parties anymore because I'm in bed. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Right. So our next question is, quote, "Recently, a couple I classify as somewhere between acquaintances and friends asked to stay in our home while looking to buy a house in our area as the local hotels had no vacancies. My husband thought they were vegan, so when they arrived, I asked and discovered that not only did they not eat any animal products, but also no grains, including rice and buckwheat, which ruled out pasta and a whole lot more. I felt a bit overwhelmed until they asked to put their groceries in our fridge and freezer, and then provided their own breakfast the next morning. Instead of clarifying the situation as I should have, I foolishly assumed that they would be taking care of all of their own meals—until about 8:30 that evening that is, when the wife asked me what there was for supper. The three of us who live here had gone casual that night, helping ourselves to leftovers when we felt like it while our houseguests were still out looking at houses. I was mortified. Fortunately, I was stocked up on vegetables and they were able to make a meal themselves.

Nick: "I apologized the next morning, and when the husband and I were both in the kitchen, I assured him I would prepare dinner for them all that evening. I asked if they would eat a meal made with lentils and beans, and there was a long pause before he replied, 'Well, my wife might.' I didn't feel apologetic anymore, and made a vegetarian chili with said beans, and we all ate it. My question is twofold, as taking this couple out for dinner was not an option because no restaurants in my small town can accommodate their diet, is it acceptable to explain to future guests that this is beyond my skill set, but that I would be happy to buy the groceries they need so that they can make meals themselves? Or for guests with extreme dietary preferences, isn't it poor manners to expect a host to cater to them? Shouldn't the considerate guest plan on providing food for themselves? I mean, a milk allergy is one thing, but expecting to have a multitude of restrictions accommodated seems unreasonable to me. Or maybe I need to work harder on being a more gracious hostess or, alternatively, a misanthrope? It's so hard to choose."

Leah: I love that closing. "Or a misanthrope. So hard to choose."

Nick: [laughs] Oh, no good deed goes unpunished.

Leah: No good deed goes unpunished. Let's just go back to the beginning where you didn't actually invite them to stay with you—they needed a place to stay.

Nick: Yeah. That is material, because the host-guest relationship is a little different when you are being imposed upon.

Leah: They're asking you for a favor.

Nick: Yeah, they are. Big favor.

Leah: A big favor!

Nick: Yeah, huge.

Leah: And then I circled this multiple times, because my brain was exploding. "When the wife asked me what was for dinner." I'm sorry?

Nick: I love that.

Leah: I'm sorry?

Nick: Can you imagine?

Leah: Can you imagine?

Nick: "I'm hungry now. Feed me. What's for dinner?" Yeah.

Leah: I just—I don't even know what's happening here. And then you're like, "Oh, I could try making this for you." And the husband's like, "Ugh!"

Nick: "I mean, I guess if that's all there is." [laughs] That's an amazing moment too, because it's like, "Oh, I am giving you a place to stay, and you would like me to prepare all your meals, but you don't like what's on the menu." Okay. All right.

Leah: I just don't even understand—also they're gone all day looking at houses. They're not even eating on your schedule, you know what I mean? It's like, what's happening?

Nick: They would like you to accommodate their schedule.

Leah: I guess "misanthrope" is the answer on this one.

Nick: Yeah. So generally speaking, hosts should make reasonable efforts to make their guests comfortable. I think that is fine. But guests do have a responsibility too. And there is this concept in etiquette about interlocking etiquette, where different etiquette rules need to actually interlock in order to be actually effective. And so yes, a host should provide for their guests, but a guest also should not be an undue burden on their hosts. And I think we do have some issue with that.

Leah: The real issue, I mean yes, also—and again, to bring up: they invited themselves, essentially.

Nick: Yeah, you're more like boarders here.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: You're not a full-blown houseguest.

Leah: I wasn't like, "Hey, can you come stay for the weekend? You know, this is a great time for me and I would love—"you're doing them a favor.

Nick: Although the good houseguest, even if it was a full-blown houseguest, would actually offer to take the host out for dinner, or actually offer to cook, offer to help out. And so all of that is missing here.

Leah: Yeah, they kind of seem just like ...

Nick: Entitled.

Leah: Very entitled and disrespectful.

Nick: Yeah, they're definitely taking advantage of your hospitality in a way that feels gross.

Leah: It does feel gross.

Nick: Yeah. So one idea I had, because, like, when you're in this and it's happening to you in real time, I mean, who knows what to say?

Leah: Yeah, who knows what to say?

Nick: Because you're just like—you're just sort of in shock, really, the entire time. One thing that maybe you could say as this is happening to you is, "Let's cook together." Let's not make it a me slaving over the stove for you, maybe let's make it a group activity where we're all participating. And so that would be maybe one way out of this.

Leah: No, I think that's a great idea. I think you could also say, "Oh, I thought you guys were here sort of just to, like, sleep here and you were looking at houses. So I didn't realize we were eating together."

Nick: Yeah. I think the honest answer is also totally valid, yeah. If you can say that in a way that doesn't sound judgmental or annoyed. If you can take that flavor out of it, that's a very nice response.

Leah: Because I mean, you didn't realize you were eating together. They were gone all day, and they brought groceries.

Nick: And it's an honest mistake. Yeah, totally honest mistake.

Leah: Or you could say, "Oh, hey, considering you're using my house as a hotel, I thought you would be cooking for me."

Nick: Mm! Okay.

Leah: Was there a tone in that one?

Nick: A little bit of a tone, yeah.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, I detected something. Put that on the white board, but I don't think we want to do that.

Leah: Put that on the white board down near the bottom with a question mark.

Nick: Yeah. No, I think definitely we don't want to have these people in our house ever again.

Leah: I also think people are like, "Hey, I'm going out for the day. You know, thanks so much for having us. I'm going out for the day. Did we want to eat dinner together?" Like, there's been no ...

Nick: Oh, that's a great point! Yes! And a guest should kind of communicate their plans to the host when they'll be returning, so that the host knows what's up. Yeah, that's a very good point.

Leah: Because this comes across like they're using this as a boarding house. I'm just gonna leave and when I come back, I'm like, "Where was the food?"

Nick: Yeah, it feels like we're using it as a boarding house that also provides all meals. It's an all-inclusive resort. That's what this is. Where's the swim-up bar?

Leah: I literally wrote in capital letters, "THEY SHOULD BE COOKING FOR YOU."

Nick: They should be cooking for you and expressing their appreciation somehow.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: And at the end of the day, that is what is missing. There is zero sense that these people appreciate what you're doing for them, and that is why this is an etiquette crime.

Leah: Yes! And then I circled something else and I wrote in the corner, "You've donated your house already."

Nick: Yeah. You've done enough.

Leah: You've done enough.

Nick: Yeah. So I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Leah: Me, too.

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "We are getting ready to send our wedding invitations, and we already know we have some family members who will want to bring their kids despite the invitations being addressed "Chad and Lisa." On the RSVP card, is it appropriate to indicate "Blank out of two accepts," or "Two seats have been reserved in your honor?" If so, would it be an etiquette crime to hand write the number in for them?"

Leah: I've seen a lot of invitations that say "No children."

Nick: Yes. I mean, certainly there are invitations that do say that explicitly. "Adults only."

Leah: "Adults only."

Nick: You know, or some variation. Yeah.

Leah: So it's very crystal clear.

Nick: Right. And at another time, we can discuss our thoughts on that. But for this, my first thought that came to mind when I read this question was, do you remember the movie Minority Report with Tom Cruise?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: It's about the future in which there's, like, this special police unit that has, like, clairvoyant people who can predict when murders are about to happen before they've happened and can intercept. And so this feels like that, in that we are anticipating an etiquette crime before it's actually happened. And there are some times when we do want to try and not put ourselves in situations where an etiquette crime will be committed against us, but you got to be real slick about it. You can't let the person know that that's what you're doing. This would be too obvious: pre-filling in the numbers? That is basically saying, like, "I know you're about to commit an etiquette crime, so I'm not gonna let you." And that's rude. I think that's rude to assume someone is gonna do something rude.

Leah: I love the reference to Minority Report. I thought it was perfect. I do think, though, that the filling in has a different vibe, and it is that vibe. But "Two seats have been reserved in your honor," seems more middle of the road to me. Like, "Letting you know there's two seats available. Would you like them?"

Nick: Yes. I mean, I think given the choice between my hand taking a pen and filling in the number, which is saying, "I don't want your kids here and I'm not gonna give you the opportunity to bring them," versus a pre-printed thing that is less targeted in personal feeling. Sure, I see that.

Leah: Because then the other option is they fill it in with their kids, and then you have to follow up and be like, "Oh, sorry. It's no kids."

Nick: Yeah, I almost prefer that, though. Let them commit the etiquette crime first and then follow up. Because I'm not ready to abandon the etiquette rule that only people who are invited are invited. The names on the invitation are the names of the people that are invited. And if your name is not on the invitation, you are not invited. And I don't think I'm ready to abandon this. I think this old rule is still very good, and I think we should all still follow it.

Leah: Do you think that people, though, all know that if it's just their names on it, that their kids aren't included?

Nick: People don't know that, but people don't know a lot of things. And so people should know this, and I want your help in getting the word out. If your name is not on the envelope, you're not invited. Correct. Now the RSVP card, the response card, this is actually a relatively new invention. The old way of doing it is if you've got an invitation to something, you would just take your stationery and you would write back to the person. "Thank you so much for the invitation. I would love to be there." Or, "Unfortunately, I can't be there." And you would send that off. It was just assumed that, of course, if I got an invitation, I'm gonna respond. I'm not gonna ignore it. But I guess people just got lazy, and so that's why we started doing this pre-printed response card thing to make it easier for people who just were too lazy to bother to respond.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And now people are too lazy to send those, so now people actually put the stamps on those envelopes for you. So it's like, you know, you can't spoon feed this enough to people, I guess. But yeah, the actual proper thing to do is to do a handwritten response. And when I'm invited to a wedding or any event, I take my stationery, I do the response. Like, "I'll be delighted to be there," and I'll put that with the pre-printed response card and both of them back. Just, you know, because that's what I do. I would recommend that to anyone.

Leah: Just raising the bar. Raising the bar.

Nick: Well, no. I'm just maintaining the bar. Everybody else wants to play limbo.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So I think if you did want to do something, the "Two seats have been reserved in your honor," I guess is the choice I would pick given what you've put on the table for me. Okay. But I do feel like it would be nice if everybody knew that if you're not invited, you're not invited. And so let's just stick with that.

Leah: I just don't think that people necessarily think that way when they're thinking about their kids.

Nick: If their names aren't on the invitation, then they're not invited.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that's just what it is. I don't make the rules. That's just what it is.

Leah: I'm just thinking that all the invites that I've seen that do say, "Unfortunately, we're not having children at this event." That way it's crystal clear.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, definitely clear. Whether or not that's polite or not, I mean, that's a debate for another day. So I think do whatever you feel like is best. I mean, I guess if these are rude people in your family, you know, I guess just the direct approach is good. So I guess be direct and try and be polite about it. Okay. I don't like it, though.

Leah: And in which case you think is the "Two seats have been reserved in your honor."

Nick: I mean, I guess. I would rather just give them the benefit of the doubt, wait until they respond, see if they commit a crime, then deal with it then. "Oh, hey. Sorry for any confusion. Unfortunately, it's adults only. We won't be able to accommodate your kids." That's an easy phone call.

Leah: Actually, that sounds perfect. That sounds so perfect. I love that.

Nick: Right? I mean, I think I would just prefer that. But what I prefer doesn't always happen in the real world, I know.

Leah: No, but that is great. And if people have watched Minority Report, they know that, you know, sometimes you could have guessed wrong what the future would be, and you got to ...

Nick: Spoiler alert!

Leah: ... give people the chance. I mean, it's—you know what? It's been a really long time since that's been out, so I'm not going to feel bad about it.

Nick: [laughs] I mean, I was gonna rewatch it. Now I don't have to, I guess.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "I started a new job about six months ago and have a coworker who texts me on my personal phone about work-related topics. I don't report to her in any way, but she is much higher up in the company than I am. My issue isn't the content of her messages, but just the fact that she's texting my personal phone instead of using my work email address. Sometimes it will be during the workday letting me know she's running late for a meeting, but other times it's after hours—seven or eight o'clock at night. And it'll be about something that she might see as an urgent work emergency, but could absolutely wait until the next business day. Is there a polite way to ask her to stop texting me and only use our work email? I don't remember when, how or why I gave her my cell phone number, but it's my biggest regret of this new job. I'd love to put an end to this before we go too far down this road, and it becomes the norm for our relationship."

Leah: So uncomfortable.

Nick: Oh, the worst! Yeah. I don't like giving out my number. Leah, you think you have my real cell phone number? Hmm.

Leah: Oh, that really hurts my feelings.

Nick: [laughs] I actually have a 212 cell phone number, which are very rare. And so I don't want many people to have it, because if it gets out of control or something and I have to give up this phone number, it would kill me inside. So I really protect the sanctity of the 212 cell.

Leah: I feel like I have your real cell phone number, because why else would I be getting texts about trashy reality television at midnight? [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, you don't want to see Leah and our text thread. Yeah, it's mostly just dating shows. Yeah. Anyway, though ...

Leah: As a side note, maybe we should include in the show notes that I do spoil Minority Report. Now I'm feeling guilty.

Nick: You should, yeah.

Leah: It's, like, 20 years old!

Nick: At least, yeah.

Leah: I'm not really spoiling, I'm just saying you have to leave room for—I was just supporting you.

Nick: Well, I think it is fair to assume that things go wrong in this movie.

Leah: Yes, things go wrong.

Nick: Yeah. The plan doesn't go according to plan. Sure. So all right, we've got a coworker, we got texting up the wazoo. There's some boundary issues. And I think whenever we have boundary issues we got to set some boundaries.

Leah: Yeah, and it's hard because they're higher up the ranks.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But still, it has to be ...

Nick: Yeah. But I mean, as long as you do it in a polite, non-judgmental way, then I think you're good. Because I mean, what are your choices? You're just gonna let this happen and just accept this as reality? No, I don't think we want to live in that world.

Leah: No, I'm just saying I understand why it's very uncomfortable.

Nick: Yeah. But I think people do have different relationships with texting. Some people just assume it's the same and equal to all other methods. Like, I text your personal phone, I send a work email, that all goes to the same devices. What difference does it make? I think there are people who believe this.

Leah: Yeah, and I think it is just a direct non-tonal, "Hey, can you send these to my work email? Because I ..."

Nick: I mean, I think you could say something along the lines of, "I'm trying to have a better work-life balance, so for work stuff, would you just use my work email and keep it off my personal phone?" I think something like in that world. I think you'd have to kind of phrase that maybe slightly nicer than how I just said it, but I think something in the world of, like, "Would you mind just, like, keeping it all in the work channels?"

Leah: Yeah, I think it would be like, "I would love to keep all of these in my work email, so it's organized. And I like to keep my cell phone for, like, family stuff. So if you wouldn't mind messaging me." And then put your work email in the text.

Nick: Yes, you could definitely do that. Or maybe even a personal one-on-one conversation in the hall. Or we want to text back?

Leah: Hmm.

Nick: It's a little awkward to text back, because, like, we've been doing it for six months. So I was like, "Why now? Why today? Why today are you drawing the line?"

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: So I think it's next time you see her in the hall it's like, "Hey, Lisa. So quick thing. I'm trying to have a better separation between work and life, and so would you mind just anytime you need to reach me, just use our work Slack?"

Leah: Yeah. Or I think you could play with the "I'm trying to have a better separation." It could be more that you're trying to keep all of the work stuff in the workplace and your cell phone is for your personal stuff.

Nick: Yeah, I think we're saying the same thing.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah. So I think we just want to say that. And I think we set that boundary, and I think if she keeps texting your personal phone, then I think you have permission to ignore it.

Leah: Ignore it, and then I would write back on the email.

Nick: Yes. I mean, it's always a little aggressive whenever you respond using a different mode than what you got the incoming as. So, like, leaving a voicemail when you got a text, or responding to a work email when it came on your personal. Like, it's always noted that it was a different mode.

Leah: But if you brought it up and then she didn't do what you requested ...

Nick: Yeah. No, I think it's totally fair. Yeah. No, I think it'd be totally fair to, like, if you get a text message then yeah, just reply back on the work email.

Leah: Also, I find it—like, for work stuff, I'm not good at—like, if I want to write something out, I need to do it on my computer. I can't write out a full—do you know what I mean? Like, texting doesn't even lend itself to, like, full thoughts as far as I'm concerned, unless they're like gossipy fun, you know what I mean? If I have to send out work stuff, I want to be on my computer.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, this could just be like, "Oh, did you get the file out?" Or stuff like that. But yes, anything work-related, just you don't want it pinging on your personal phone.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: I mean, I think that's a totally valid response. And I think this person should understand that. I would like to think that they're just being absent minded about it, and just never thought about it.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: And so I think you just want to call their attention to and be like, "Oh, would you be mindful of, like, this work-life separation I'm trying to achieve? And just, like, keep it on my work Slack/work email?"

Leah: I think that's the very nice, generous read of that.

Nick: You think it's more nefarious?

Leah: I don't think it's necessarily nefarious. I love the idea that they're just being absent minded as opposed to that they think that everybody should be available whenever they want them to.

Nick: Yes. But this has been going on for six months. You are pushing the bounds of how easy it will be now. Like, this would have been something to jump on, like, the first text, the second text.

Leah: Yeah, I think a lot of times you don't know how much it's gonna snowball.

Nick: A month of texts.

Leah: But I think that's why, as you brought up, it's good to just say it to them when you see them.

Nick: Yeah. And if it keeps happening, block them.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Block it. Block the number. "Didn't get your text. Sorry." Yeah. So our next question is, quote, "My boyfriend has been attending a business/social group thing for five years and wants to step away from it now. How should he tell the other members of the group? The group is just different professionals in town that meet every other week and discuss different topics, and it's not terribly formal. When my boyfriend joined a medical practice, the doctor who owned the practice had been attending the group and asked my boyfriend to start attending in his place. He is no longer required to go, and so he would like to now depart the group. He says that in the past, other members have just sent the group an email before their last meeting. Do you think he should do the same? In general, what would you recommend for leaving a group you've been a long time member of?"

Leah: I think if people have just sent an email before, if that's been—I think that maybe the one before the one that you consider to be your last meeting ...

Nick: The penultimate meeting?

Leah: The penultimate meeting. I would say, "Hey, I've had such a wonderful time with your group but, you know, I'm coming to an end." However you want to phrase it. "Next week's meeting," or I guess it's bi—however you want to say it. "That's going to be my last meeting."

Nick: Done.

Leah: "It's been lovely." And then maybe on your last meeting, you could bring some, like, snacks or something to—"it's been lovely. Here's stickers." Stickers. I'm kidding. But you know what I mean?

Nick: [laughs] Bring some Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers, yeah.

Leah: Yes! I love Trapper Keepers.

Nick: This sounds like one of those 7:00 a.m. business things. This is what this sounds like. And it sounds like it's terrible, because what it sounds like is that the doctor made you take his place to get out of it.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And was like, "Ha, ha! I'm just gonna make this kid do it and I'll get out of it." So this group sounds terrible, yeah. I think that is what I'm reading between the lines here, that this is a horrible, horrible group.

Leah: I love the way you read between the lines. It's always a fun read.

Nick: Well, yeah. I mean, they mentioned that the doctor made the boyfriend go in his place. So it was like, "Oh, that's interesting."

Leah: Oh, I definitely don't think it's a party. I don't think it's a party.

Nick: No, definitely not. And so my first thought was that all etiquette is local at the end of the day. And so if the local etiquette is that everybody just sends an email, then just send an email. So I think what you said is great. Yeah, send an email sort of in advance prepping people, give them the bad news. Let them have some time to let it sink in and mourn the loss of you as a member. And then, yeah, peace out.

Leah: And send it before your final meeting.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Not like, "That was my final meeting." I would send it before. That's why I would either say it in the meeting before or send it before.

Nick: What about saying it during the meeting at the end, and not setting an email?

Leah: The "This would be my final meeting?"

Nick: Yeah, like, "Hey, guys, just one more thing to add. Unfortunately, this was my last meeting with you guys. I have other commitments that unfortunately will prevent me from attending in the future. It's been so lovely waking up super early and eating oily donuts and drinking watery coffee with you."

Leah: I think either is fine.

Nick: Okay. [laughs] But yeah, you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving.

Leah: No.

Nick: And then the general question is like, how do you leave a group that you've been a member of for a long time? You just leave. You say goodbye. Say it was so lovely. And you don't make excuses, and you leave.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah. Life is too short to be a group member of a group you don't want to be a group member of.

Leah: But also, I like the idea of telling them a week in advance just in case maybe they want to, like, get you a pen, or they want to know so they could say goodbye.

Nick: Oh, you get some swag.

Leah: You know, maybe they had deep feelings for you, and they want to show their appreciation in some way. They just need a little prep time.

Nick: Oh, that's a good point. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you think you're gonna get gifts, then yeah, you should definitely give them an opportunity to buy you gifts.

Leah: Or maybe everybody's not gonna be in the group that week, and they would have liked to hear it from you. So if you send the email or tell them in advance, then everybody knew.

Nick: Oh, that's true. Yeah. Okay, so Leah's correct. Do what she says.

Leah: One for the books!

Nick: [laughs] So our next thing is a vent. And it is, quote, "I went to a bar/restaurant to listen to a guitarist and get some dinner, and ended up sharing a communal table with the guitarist's wife and his daughter. Chit chat ensued. After a bit, his wife, who was sitting next to me, realized she had taken a sip of my wine by mistake. I said, no worries, and I moved on and drank the wine. She later got up, went to the bar and came back. 'I ordered you another glass.' I made the usual noises. 'Oh, you didn't have to do that. Blah, blah, blah.' Then they left, and then when the bill came, she had put the extra glass of wine on my tab."

Leah: I wrote underneath it, "What is this world?"

Nick: [laughs] I mean, yeah. I know this person. I can picture this person. I can see this happening. This does not feel shocking.

Leah: I can see it happening, but I also in my mind, I think I would just be—in my mind, I would be like, "She must have done that by mistake. There's no way she could actually put this on my tab."

Nick: "Surely this cannot be what she intended." Yeah. No, it was. Yeah, I'm sure this is exactly what she intended.

Leah: [gasps] Oh!

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, and in her mind, she thought, "Oh, well, I stood up and I walked to the bar and I brought you a glass of wine. That was my contribution there."

Leah: Don't do me any favors.

Nick: [laughs] So this is a great vent. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry this happened to you.

Leah: Ugh!

Nick: So do you have any vents for us? Or a question? Please send them to us. You can send them to us through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!