Seating Dinner Party Guests, Getting Spray Tans, Using Fake Addresses, and More

Nick: Do you seat couples together at dinner parties? Do you not tip for your tan? Do you send anonymous birthday cards? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

[Theme Song]

Here are things that can make it better

When we have to live together

We can all use a little help

So people don't ask themselves

Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: How do you keep coming up with them, Nick?

Nick: So for today's amuse bouche, I want to have a dinner party, Leah.

Leah: Oh, delightful!

Nick: And we're gonna host it together.

Leah: Oh, that would actually be—that would be hilarious and fun.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, I don't know how that would go.

Leah: It would—it would be a lot of colliding ...

Nick: Philosophies? [laughs]

Leah: Probably everything.

Nick: Yeah. A lot of collisions. So for this dinner party, we're gonna invite Galadriel, Lady of Lothlórien. Did I say that right?

Leah: Galandriel?

Nick: Galandriel. Is that how we say it?

Leah: From Lord of the Rings?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Fantastic.

Nick: Uh-huh. And then we're also going to invite Aragorn, King Elessar of Gondor. [laughs] Did I get the pronunciation on that right?

Leah: Aragorn.

Nick: Uh-huh. Okay. Aragorn. Yeah, so he's coming. And then we're also gonna invite Chad and Lisa.

Leah: Fantastic!

Nick: So the question is: How would you seat everybody? What is the proper seating chart for this guest list?

Leah: Who are the other two people?

Nick: Chad and Lisa.

Leah: I mean, I guess Chad and Lisa can stay outside, and I'm gonna hang out with Aragorn and Galandriel.

Nick: [laughs] No, it's an obligation. Chad and Lisa have had us over, like, 20 times now, and we've been really, like, avoiding hanging out with them. And it's like, "Oh, fine. We'll invite them this time." So they're coming.

Leah: And then us.

Nick: And then us. Yes.

Leah: So I guess we're at the heads of the table.

Nick: Okay, so we're at either end. Okay.

Leah: Okay, so Chad and Lisa on one side, and Galandriel and Aragorn on the other.

Nick: Okay, so this is how you'd do it.

Leah: You do know that Galandriel and Aragorn are not a couple.

Nick: I do not know that, but that's actually not relevant.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: I mean, it's relevant, but it's not relevant.

Leah: Okay. I just didn't know if you were gonna be like—if this was how this was gonna be based. And I wanted you to know that that's not their relationship.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, No, I literally just looked up "Who are royalty in Lord of the Rings?

Leah: Okay.

Nick: And so I got a list. And then I tried to find people who would also be good dinner party guests. Because I guess there's a lot of people who are sort of royalty who you would not want around. And so the internet says that Galandriel and Aragorn would be good dinner party guests.

Leah: I love that that's what the internet says, because I would love to sit with both of them. And Gimli, obviously. And Samwise.

Nick: So Judith Martin, Ms. Manners, she calls this "the jigsaw puzzle of the etiquette trade." Coming up with a good seating chart is an art and a science. And so there is a very traditional way to do it, and I will explain that now. So the idea is that the highest-ranking lady would be to my right. So to my right, we would put Galadriel because she would be the highest-ranking woman at this party. And to your right, we're gonna put Aragorn because he would be the highest ranking gentleman at this party. And because traditionally the sex of people matters—you are the hostess, I'm the host—then we have a male-female alternating pattern here.

Leah: Are people still seating like this?

Nick: So traditionally, a lot of people do still use this, but your tone is correct. This does feel a little outdated and not done, right? We should not be creating seating charts exclusively on people's gender.

Leah: Well, people's gender and on people's quote-unquote "ranking."

Nick: Uh, okay. So ranking, I think, is an interesting factor that people still use. And I think another way to think about it is level of honor. So, like, if a party is for somebody specific, then they have, like, the place of honor. And so that could be an out-of-town guest. That could be newlywed couple. That could be anybody we might be honoring at this event. But yes, if it's just like, oh, it's just friends getting together for a dinner party, then yes, we don't necessarily have to be using rank as sort of the criteria. Yes.

Leah: I like the if it's in somebody's honor, that's nice.

Nick: Right. But if it is in somebody's honor and we're thinking about rank, both people in the couple share that rank. So if it's an ambassador and her husband, then the husband gets to have the same sort of status as the ambassador because they share that rank when it comes to the seating chart.

Leah: Oh, okay.

Nick: Right? Interesting. But yes, the gender thing is a little sexist, but let's actually, look at where this comes from. The idea of a good seating chart is to create balance and conversation and interactions, and to make the evening interesting. And I guess a hundred years ago, the idea was that, like, oh, men and women just brought dramatically different things to the table. Men were talking about hunting and banking, and women were talking about needlepoint and not having their own credit cards. And so this led to lively conversation, having men and women next to each other because they were just talking about different things. So I think we can use that same idea, that same principle of oh, let's seat people who are different next to each other. And this is why, even today, there is the rule you do not seat couples together. You do split couples apart. You should never have couples seated next to each other.

Leah: So hard. That's so hard on people who hate socializing, and are just going because their couple wants them to.

Nick: Yes. And I think if you know that about a couple, and if the idea is oh, we want to make sure our guests are not dramatically uncomfortable, then yes, you are allowed to seat couples together. But generally speaking, couples should be split apart. And so let's talk about achieving balance at the table. So Emily Post has some ideas for you. She says quote, "Very silent people should be sandwiched between good talkers. Silly people should never be put anywhere near learned ones, nor the dull near the clever, unless the dull one is a young and pretty woman with a talent for listening, and the clever, a man with an admiration for beauty and a love for talking."

Leah: I mean, this is just layered with so many horrible things.

Nick: So—so, okay. Thank you, Emily. I mean, that's one approach to a dinner party. She adds, "Most people think two brilliant people should be put together. Often they should, but with discretion. If both are voluble or nervous or temperamental, you may create a situation like putting two operatic sopranos in the same part and expecting them to sing together."

Leah: Ooh!

Nick: Ooh! I mean, dinner parties back then in Emily Post's day were, I think, different. They were different than what we do today.

Leah: Seemingly.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: Also will be very different than our—our dinner party. Also, I'm not sure exactly the word I used, but Aragorn was always king. He was always in line to be king. The sword had to be reforged. He didn't want to do it. He was hiding out, but he was always gonna be the king. Because he is the king. He's the next in line.

Nick: Okay, thank you for that important clarification detail. [laughs]

Leah: I just ...

Nick: No, we can't have incomplete information about Lord of the Rings on this show.

Leah: Yeah. No, because I would freak out.

Nick: Right. Judith Martin, she does have some additional advice for the seating chart. And she says, "The only time a host and hostess can sit together is when we have a horseshoe-shaped table, and the host and hostess are on the outside in the middle of it." So if we're having, like, some banquet and it's a horseshoe, then we can sit next to each other. But other than that, no, we have to be totally separate.

Leah: I see that. You know, I get that. Because that way you're—you're working the room from either end. "Everybody okay? Anybody need anything?"

Nick: Yeah. And you want to make everybody feel special. And so when you're seated near the host, that makes guests feel special. And so when you have two hosts, then you have more people who get to be near them. So I guess that's kind of the concept there. And then place cards. Obviously, we're gonna be using place cards for all of this. And so those go either above the plate or on top of the napkin. And then the napkin, which is on top of the place plate. Judith Martin says quote, "This is one good reason for not stuffing the napkins in the wine glasses." And then she adds, "Another reason is that they look stupid there."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: That is a direct quote. Quote, "Another is that they look stupid there." Yes. Judith Martin is not a fan of putting napkins in wine glasses.

Leah: That is hilarious.

Nick: Don't do that. [laughs]

Leah: As a complete aside, but you'll see how it's related.

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: Letitia Baldrige.

Nick: Oh, what? Wait, let's just pause a moment. You are name dropping Letitia Baldrige right now?

Leah: I mean, who is she?

Nick: The student becomes the master!

Leah: Got a shout out on the new Netflix show The Residents. And I was like, "I know who that is."

Nick: [laughs] Okay, great. And you're like, "I know Tish!"

Leah: I get it!

Nick: Yeah. Oh, okay. I mean, amazing. Wow!

Leah: I felt like I should explain it to everybody else watching. You guys get who that is, right?

Nick: Right. You know who Leticia Baldrige is.

Leah: You get what the reference is, right?

Nick: Oh. Oh, I'm so proud. Oh, that's lovely.

Leah: It was exciting.

Nick: That is exciting. So last thought is, you know, dinner parties, people think, "Oh, this is like a fussy thing that happens in people's homes." But this happens in restaurants, too. I was just invited to a dinner party for 10 in a restaurant downtown—lovely evening. And the host actually had assigned seating and place cards for everybody in the restaurant. And so this is a place where you can also use place cards and assign seating. It's not necessarily, like, in your own home. Like, I think anytime you are a host, and you're dining with people and you want to assign where people sit, like, you can use these principles.

Leah: Did they call in advance what the name order was, or did they put the place cards down when you got there?

Nick: They arrived early, and they went into the restaurant first and then they made sure that each place setting had the name card. Yeah.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: I know. Well done.

Leah: Well done!

Nick: Very well done. So this is how you do a seating. And so I'm very excited for our fictional dinner party with our Lord of the Rings characters and Chad and Lisa. I think it's gonna be a lovely evening.

Leah: If we could get Lord of the Rings characters, I would lose my mind.

Nick: You mean if we were actually gonna have a dinner party with Lord of the Rings characters?

Leah: Yeah, if we're actually gonna have a dinner party. That's really all I'm gonna think about now for the rest of the episode because I would—I would lose my mind. Obviously, I'm sorry, Chad and Lisa, you're getting swapped out for Gimli and Sam.

Nick: They're not invited anymore? They're getting booted?

Leah: No, they are uninvited.

Nick: Oh! Ooh, wow. Oh, you're gonna have to tell them. I'm not gonna tell them.

Leah: I'm sure they'll get it.

Nick: Oh, it's like, "Oh, I'm sure you'll understand."

Leah: "I'm sure you'll understand."

Nick: "You're being replaced by better people."

Leah: It's Samwise Gamgee and Gimli.

Nick: Is that the potato guy?

Leah: Samwise is the potato guy.

Nick: Oh. So does that mean we have to serve potatoes at this meal?

Leah: Well, we should serve potatoes since we know that Samwise loves them.

Nick: Yeah. How does he like them?

Leah: All of the ways. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew.

Nick: [laughs] Okay, I'm ready for this party.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: [sings] Deep into a salon.

Nick: So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about getting a spray tan.

Leah: How timely.

Nick: So Leah recently did this, and I guess let's talk about it.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Ripped from the headlines.

Leah: Ripped from the headlines. I also thought it was a good deep dive because I had never gotten one. I had no idea how to behave. I had no idea what to expect. So I just had to cull knowledge from my friends who I know get spray tans.

Nick: Okay. So I've never done it because I—it just wouldn't occur to me. Tell me, what was it like? What was the first step?

Leah: Okay. So a thing I learned is that a lot of spray tan places are also waxing places. So apparently this is—it's a hand-in-hand situation.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I assume not at the same time, though. Although I don't know. I should have looked into that.

Nick: It feels like that's not a same event.

Leah: Does it not?

Nick: That feels not correct. But okay.

Leah: I went for the spray tan.

Nick: Right.

Leah: I called people in advance. I gotta know what to expect so I'm not anxious. And what's expected—actually, it's what to—what's expected of me is what the question is.

Nick: Yes. Yes, I think my first question is, like, am I naked?

Leah: That's the question, right?

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I asked all my friends this: Am I naked?

Nick: And what's the answer?

Leah: They said if you want to be.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Otherwise you just go with underwear.

Nick: Okay. Asked and answered.

Leah: And then they also have something called a "barrier cream," which you put on anywhere on your body which you don't want to be spray tanned.

Nick: So, like, the palms of your hands or, like, your elbows.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Okay. So you have to be prepared for that.

Leah: Be prepared for that. Also, come in showered. This is what was told by my friends. It's a good idea to shower. And I mean, is this etiquette? It is how to show up, so ...

Nick: Oh, it's definitely etiquette, because I think it is important to be mindful of the technician who is going to be operating on you. What are the verbs we're using? Spraying you?

Leah: I think "operating." It's either "operating" or "painting" you. I mean, it's a painting situation. So my friends were like, "Shower, exfoliate, moisturize, but with nothing with oil."

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So you show up with your skin not parched. You're clean.

Nick: You're ready to go.

Leah: You're ready to go. You are nude in a room with a stranger, standing on a towel, and then they paint you.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, I guess be ready. That's always good etiquette advice. So in this context, being ready just means you're ready to get sprayed down.

Leah: Yes. And I asked all my questions because I was like, I've never done this. And then it's basically like a—like a ...

Nick: Airbrush.

Leah: Yes. And it was recommended to me to go one color darker than what you want.

Nick: Interesting. Okay.

Leah: And then they ask if they—you want your face the same color.

Nick: I feel like I don't?

Leah: So you get, like, multiple sprays on your body. We just did one quick one over my face.

Nick: I see. Okay. So it's like lacquering.

Leah: You're getting lacquered, Nick.

Nick: Okay, got it.

Leah: And I thought it was gonna be awkward, because you're sort of just naked and posing with—but they're—they do this all the time. They're lovely.

Nick: Conversation? Are we talking to our technician while this is happening? Are we, like, making light conversation? Are we just silent? What's that?

Leah: Well, I asked all my questions up top.

Nick: Right.

Leah: So we did all the talking then.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: The pleasantries, the questions. And then I kept my mouth zip lipped so she could focus on her art.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Because they're giving you instructions the whole time. You gotta move, you gotta move your arm like this. You gotta put your hand like this. You gotta ...

Nick: I see. Okay. So we need to make sure that they can focus. We don't want to distract them.

Leah: They're focusing. We're doing what we're told.

Nick: Okay. And can we jump to the end when we're paying and tipping?

Leah: So the money, the tip was included on mine. They said there's already this much of a tip included, and it was not 20 percent.

Nick: It was higher or lower?

Leah: Lower.

Nick: Interesting.

Leah: And I was like, "Bump that up to 20."

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Just because, I mean, what's more personal than painting me in a room naked?

Nick: Yeah. Not a lot of things on that list.

Leah: And I—they did a terrific job. So I, I, they told me the tip was included. I was like, "Bump it up."

Nick: Yeah. I feel like 20 percent is probably standard for this service. And I think the range for a lot of people is gonna be 15 to 25 percent.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Yes. I think as long as you're somewhere in that range. But yeah, 20. 20 feels like sort of the default number in my mind.

Leah: Yeah, I always—I always think 20.

Nick: Yeah. Okay, so then we tip. And I think it's important to always bring cash just in case you can't tip on the card or it's not included. But I guess they made it easy for you.

Leah: They made it easy, and a lot of the salons now, like nail places, all these places now take tips on Venmo.

Nick: And then afterwards you're sort of an orange person and you can sort of stain stuff. So I feel like you want to be mindful of that and the things you might be staining. So, like, if you're taking an Uber home, I think you need to bring your own towel so you're not, like, staining their seats.

Leah: Well, you would put dark clothes on.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I didn't stain anything, actually.

Nick: Even your sheets at home?

Leah: No.

Nick: Wow! High quality lacquering.

Leah: Yeah, it was really high quality. I did it at nighttime, so then I just went right to bed in it. And then—so it had that all that time to sit.

Nick: Okay. And it didn't stain your sheets?

Leah: Did not stain my sheets.

Nick: Because my note was like, oh, if you're gonna be, like, checking into a hotel or, like, somewhere where it's not your sheets or towels, like, don't ruin people's sheets or towels.

Leah: Well, I think that's—and also that's what was in my head, that that's what would happen.

Nick: Is that just, like, lower quality spray tanning?

Leah: I don't know. Maybe I just went to the best in the biz. You know what I'm saying?

Nick: You are in Los Angeles. I mean, I feel like they really nail the technology.

Leah: They've nailed it. But I do know this happens. It also happens when people do their own tans and they're just—you know, it comes off slowly on everything.

Nick: Okay, so this doesn't sound so bad.

Leah: It really was not.

Nick: It's really mostly just the I'm standing naked and somebody who I don't know is spraying me down with orange liquid.

Leah: Yeah. So that's why I thought I had to cull all this information from all my friends. I would do it for our listeners in case they wanted to give it a try.

Nick: Okay. How fascinating. Yeah, I've never done a spray tan. And so this is definitely, actually useful information for me.

Leah: I also, once I got it—because in my mind, you're orange. That's what a spray tan is.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But I think now that the technology is so advanced, now that I've had one once and I see people, I realize, oh, all these people have spray tans. That's why they're golden.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: So uniformly.

Nick: Interesting. Okay, so now—now you know people's secret.

Leah: Yeah, I feel like it's like a whole other world people are living in.

Nick: Yeah. Well, it's called Los Angeles.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "My boyfriend and I need you to settle a debate. We were recently invited to a baby shower for one of his friends, so we got them a Jumperoo activity center off of their registry. Essentially, it is a baby jumper seat with various components attached to the tray and dangling around the jumper for the baby to engage with. I thought we should put it together, and bring it to the shower with a big bow attached so that the expecting parents would have one less thing to put together. But my boyfriend wanted to keep it in the box and wrap it in case they needed to return it for some reason. I would normally agree with that logic, but I thought return was unlikely under these circumstances since this was an item off of the couple's registry. Since it's my husband's friend, I deferred to him and we ended up wrapping it in the box. But I wanted to hear your thoughts. If not this situation, is there ever a situation where it would be appropriate and/or preferred to put the gift together ahead of time?"

Leah: This is such a great question.

Nick: Great question. I love settling debates. Oh, it's my favorite thing.

Leah: I love settling debates. I read that, I was like, "Yes!" And then I read it and I was like, "Oh, no. I could really see it both ways."

Nick: [laughs] Okay, so what is your thoughts? Walk me through your thought process.

Leah: So I love that since it's my husband's friend, I deferred to him.

Nick: Yeah. That's the answer. Right.

Leah: I think that's always the way to go. But if it wasn't that, because I had never thought about, oh, taking something out and putting it together for somebody, especially if it's like a baby gift where they probably have so much on their plate at the moment.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And that is a lovely idea.

Nick: I like that instinct. Yeah.

Leah: But then I also get the idea that people—that it's like, all in the box, that people can return it if they want to. That they can see it's new, it's untouched, all the pieces are in there.

Nick: Oh, interesting. That it's untouched. It's not some used Jumperoo sullied by some other child. Okay, interesting.

Leah: That's not what my thingy was. But just—you know what I mean?

Nick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Leah: So I'd actually never thought about taking something out and putting it together for somebody. So I just thought, oh, that is a lovely extra thing to do for somebody. So then I thought, well, you could bring it. When they unwrap it, you could say, "We're also happy to put it together for you."

Nick: Oh! Okay, interesting. Although oh, do I want you doing that at my party? Not really. Because now you're making a mess. And then there's all, like, the plastic pieces and instructions. But I mean, I like the sentiment.

Leah: "Next time I'm over, I'm happy to put it together for you. We just wanted you to have the box."

Nick: Oh, I like that. Okay. Yeah, I guess for me, because it's from the registry, the question is: How likely are you going to return this thing? And there are people out there who do register for things for the express purpose of laundering it and just cashing it out for cash at the end.

Leah: Oh my goodness.

Nick: And no intentions keeping those gifts. Oh, yes. Oh, this is a thing. Yeah, I know people like this exist in the world. And so I don't think that's the case here, but, like, that's a possibility. And we would like to think that the registry is such that two people won't accidentally buy the same thing, right? Like, there's some sort of checks and balances to prevent duplicates. So I guess, will it be returned? Will the thing be returned? And then I was thinking, will the thing be used immediately? So, like, if the kid was like a three year old, and it was their birthday and you were bringing a tricycle, then yes, the tricycle should be assembled because, like, that kid wants to run around the party, like, pedaling that tricycle around the house. And so, like, that should be assembled.

Leah: I like all of these ways of thinking about it.

Nick: Whereas this is a shower. So the baby's not born yet, and so we don't need a Jumperoo today. And I think it would actually be easier for these parents to have the Jumperoo in the box because that's easier to store until we're ready for it. So I think by that logic, I don't necessarily want an assembled Jumperoo in my house yet. Right?

Leah: I think in the box.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: With an offer to come back and put it together whenever they want.

Nick: Yeah. Okay, that's—that's nice. That kind of threads the needle.

Leah: And then they might not want help. They may want help. They may want to see their friend again, so it's a great excuse for her to come over.

Nick: Right. And if it was a duplicate for some reason, then they can, you know, return it. Okay, so "Here's the box. We're happy to put it together when you want."

Leah: Yes.

Nick: "Let us know."

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Great. So our next thing is a bonkers.

Leah: Bonkers!

Nick: And it's quote, "I threw my sister a surprise 65th birthday party. I sent the Facebook party invite, and one of my sister's in laws, a cousin, responded. She said, 'I'll be there.' And so will her partner, and she'll also bring a friend—let's call her Lisa. I had met Lisa in the past and did not care for her. I found her rude and boorish even before we were introduced, which is another bonkers story for another day. Anyway, I politely responded to the cousin and I said, 'I'm sorry, but I have a large invite list already and would like for Lisa not to come as I did not invite her.' The cousin responded that she understood. And I mean, my sister and Lisa were only acquaintances and not even friends.

Nick: "So the party went off without a hitch, and it was a great time. After the party, I told my sister about all this, and she said, 'Huh! Now, that card I received made sense.' Apparently, before the party, my sister had received in the mail an early birthday card that was unsigned and had a fake return address that said, 'Happy birthday. I hope your party is fun.' We came to the conclusion that it was Lisa, as she was the only one I asked not to come, and Lisa was so mad that she was disinvited by that cousin that she doubled down and wanted to get her revenge. Who does that? Ugh! Needless to say, I never invited the cousin to another gathering again."

Leah: Who does that?

Nick: So—so we send an anonymous, passive-aggressive birthday card.

Leah: With a fake mailing address.

Nick: I mean, why do we even put a return address on it? I mean, just leave it off. Like, why are we going to the trouble?

Leah: We're going to the next level by being like, "I'm gonna make a fake address up on top of this."

Nick: [laughs] 123 Any Street, Your Town, USA, 12345.

Leah: I live on I Need A Therapist Drive.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, this must have been some party!

Leah: Well, happy birthday to your sister.

Nick: Sure. Yeah. Happy birthday.

Leah: And it does sound like the party was wonderful.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, the party not to be missed.

Leah: And Lisa definitely sounds like somebody you do not want at your party.

Nick: Well also, the idea that, "I found her rude and boorish even before we were introduced, which is another bonkers story for another day." Oh, that day is here. I would like to hear this other bonkers story. [laughs]

Leah: We need this. I know. I was like, I hope we have this story somewhere.

Nick: Like, before we even met, I know you're rude and boorish? Ooh, juicy!

Leah: Very juicy. I already got a visual.

Nick: But it is true. The cousin should not have extended an invitation to Lisa without checking first.

Leah: Yeah. No, this is on the cousin. That was an insane thing for the cousin to do.

Nick: Yeah. So the cousin should have done that. And then I can see how it was very awkward for the cousin to go back to Lisa, which is like, "Oh, PS, you can't come." Although the way our letter writer phrases it, which is, "I would like for Lisa not to come as I did not invite her," that is a very specific way to phrase that.

Leah: Well, it's very direct. "I didn't invite her. I have a limited number of people. She can't come."

Nick: Oh. But the way to say that is, "Unfortunately, the invite list is quite large, and we do not have any room. So sorry."

Leah: I mean, it means the same thing.

Nick: That is very different than, "She was not invited. I would like her not to come."

Leah: Well, she's boorish, Nick.

Nick: [laughs] No, I get why. But, like, oh, to phrase it in that way is like, oh, we're not gonna sugarcoat it at all.

Leah: I love this letter-writer. You know where you stand.

Nick: You definitely know where you stand. And then Lisa's like, "Oh, I'll show them!"

Leah: Fake card in the mail on its way.

Nick: "Hope your party is fun." [laughs] Oh, that's so great.

Leah: I'm so glad that the cousin got disinvited moving forward, because I feel like the cousin is just gonna be a troublemaker.

Nick: Yes. I guess the question is: did the cousin learn their lesson, or is the cousin likely to commit similar faux pas in the future? I guess if we're cutting them off, we don't think we can trust them with future invitations.

Leah: Yeah, I'm sure this—this is all a part of a much bigger tapestry.

Nick: Yes. Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

Leah: I also feel like the cousin must have given Lisa our sister's mailing address.

Nick: Yes. Definitely, Lisa knows where you live, which is a bit of a concern.

Leah: I mean, it's not a concern. Lisa's gonna send fake cards. She's not showing up.

Nick: That's true. Oh, she's too cowardly to come and ruin your party.

Leah: She's not gonna come show up. She's gonna send you a birthday card that's not signed with a fake address.

Nick: "Hope your party was fun!"

Leah: It's bonkers!

Nick: This is totally bonkers. So thank you for sending this great bonkers. And you out there, if you've got any bonkers stories for us, let us know. And of course, we'll take your questions, your vents, your repents, we'll take it all on our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: Ugh. Nick, I gotta vent again.

Nick: Oh, okay. Bring it.

Leah: So this one combines many of my pet peeves.

Nick: Oh, how wonderful. It's a fruit salad of grievance.

Leah: It's a buffet of irritations.

Nick: All right. Use tongs.

Leah: [laughs] I think I may have told you about this in the moment.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Before you're about to go on stage. That's one of my—like, don't come over and say things that are insane to me before I go on stage.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, you're in the zone. You're getting prepped.

Leah: I'm trying to get in the zone.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: So this woman who has not—not said insane things to me previously.

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: Quite possibly was one of the people that I—that was in the middle of the curly hair grievance. Remember that one with the blowout?

Nick: Uh-huh. All right, so this woman has a history of insane statements.

Leah: There is a track record. So I—I'm not talking. I'm not engaging. I'm in my own—I got the notes up. I love to get my nails done when I can. It's like a thing I love.

Nick: Yeah, you've got great nails. You've got great nail game.

Leah: I love nails. It's like my little treat for myself. She comes over, says, "I love your nails."

Nick: Oh, thank you so much.

Leah: Thank you so much. She then says she wanted to get her nails done. She used to try to get her nails done, but her father hates long nails. And then she continued to emotionally bleed all over me all the horrible things her father said about women who had long nails.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: And what it meant about their morality and their personhood. And I mean, it just kept going and going.

Nick: Oh.

Leah: And then it was like this childhood trauma, a reenactment.

Nick: Oh, that's fun.

Leah: And I can't be like, "Well, your dad sounds horrible. That seems like a lot of things about women that your dad is really—" I can't say any of that.

Nick: Right. And it's like, "I'm not sure it's the nails."

Leah: [laughs] Yeah. I want to be like, "This seems like a bigger issue."

Nick: Yeah. "I don't think my French tips is really the problem here."

Leah: And I'm not gonna talk about people's family, you know? So I can't say that.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I also don't want any of that on me.

Nick: Yeah. Don't bring me into this. Right.

Leah: What started out as a compliment is now like a—it's like a shame party.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And I'm about to go on stage.

Nick: Well and also, because you have long nails, all the things the father said now apply to you.

Leah: Yeah. Now they're me.

Nick: You are the example of why this should not be done.

Leah: Yeah. I'm the downfall of society.

Nick: You might be, but not because of the nails.

Leah: That's not the nails.

Nick: No.

Leah: So I kind of actually sort of made a little joke about that. I didn't know how to end this. I'm not going into this—I'm not delving into this story. People are paid professionally.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: To listen to this stuff.

Nick: Correct.

Leah: So I, like, made a joke about how, "Oh! Well, your dad would have some thoughts on me," or, like, whatever, but I'm not gonna be like, "Your dad is—" you know, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not saying anything about people's families. She doesn't stop. We're still going.

Nick: Oh, fun!

Leah: So then I go, "I'm about to go on stage."

Nick: Yeah. "Gotta perform now. Thanks for putting that in my head."

Leah: Yeah, thanks for doing all that. And then it just immediately, now that she was there already, since we were in this heightened state of, like, things that upset her ...

Nick: Yeah?

Leah: She then wanted to see if other things we might have in common I feel also upset about.

Nick: Oh, good.

Leah: So then it was just a list. I don't want any of this. Whatever is happening, I don't—I don't want to be involved. I'm trying to do an actual job right now.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, how horrible!

Leah: Also, even though you came in with a compliment, you really insulted my nails. I mean ...

Nick: Oh, no, the compliment is long gone.

Leah: The compliment has been laid to the wayside. I mean, I have been insulted. I'm now getting rained on with your feelings. So I just had to be like, "I gotta go on stage."

Nick: "Bye."

Leah: And I did one of those, like, shoulder, "Ahh!"

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then I just, like, I had to leave.

Nick: Shut it down.

Leah: Shut it down. I was like, wow! Wow!

Nick: Wow!

Leah: Next level.

Nick: So, speaking of levels, I would like to vent. So I was recently in London, and I always have a great time in London, but I have a bone to pick with the people of London.

Leah: Oh, all the people of London?

Nick: All of them. All of them. So as you know, they drive on the left in the UK. Delightful. Love it. You have to be a little careful crossing the street if you're not used to that. But, like, okay, I can get on board with that. How charming. But on the London Underground, they have decided that it's gonna be chaos, and that we do not stay to the left all the time. That is not the general rule. In fact, on escalators specifically, everybody stands on the right and passes on the left.

Nick: And this does not make sense. Why are we doing that? Because it does cause confusion because some people are doing it the British road way, and are, like, standing on the left and passing on the right. And then you have other people following the signs that the Underground actually posts, which is like, "Stand right, pass left," which is like, why are you doing it that way? That's not what you do. In other countries—Singapore, Australia, Japan—they all drive on the left and they stand on the left side of the escalator. And so, like, why is the UK doing something differently? So I looked at this because I'm like, why is this chaos and mayhem? Like, how did this happen?

Nick: And the only origin story I hear is that back when escalators were new in the London Underground, 1911, Earl's Court Station, there was something about this wooden escalator where they told you to, like, step off with your left foot first so you wouldn't die and get sucked in, I guess. And then because of that, it made more sense to have the faster people on the left side, I guess. But, like, that was more than a hundred years ago. I can't imagine, like, people got so used to it, like, oh, that's the reason. Like, that doesn't make sense to me. And I think because it is inconsistent. There are places in the Underground where they tell you walk left or walk right. So there's just not, like, some consistent standard for what is supposed to happen down there. And this is maddening. And I feel like there should be better clarity on this.

Leah: [laughs] Nick does not like your anarchy.

Nick: It is anarchy. Right! Like, I'm happy to follow the rules. Just pick something.

Leah: Just have a rule.

Nick: Just have a rule. Right. Like, I think the rule should be: it's the way we do it on the street is the way we do it below ground. So the fast lane is on the right. That would make sense for me. And in hallways, on escalators, like, everywhere else, that's what we do. Stand left, pass right. Okay, fine.

Leah: That does make sense that if it's on the road, then it's all the way through all the things.

Nick: Right. Then do all the things. But we've just decided, like, oh, no, we're gonna, like, do it the other way on escalators. And then some hallways will be either way. And, like, some staircases could be either way. And this is like, I don't care for this.

Leah: I hope they get the note and they fix it.

Nick: Yes. I hope they—yes, I hope everybody in the UK starts standing on the left side of escalators. I feel like we should just do that. Or switch the way you drive. Put the cars on the other side. Your choice. You could choose, either way is fine with me. Just pick one of those.

Leah: That second one seems a little harder.

Nick: Oh, you think?

Leah: I would imagine that it's hard to switch mentally.

Nick: I don't know. I mean, when I'm visiting Japan, I can mentally stand on the other side. I could do that.

Leah: No, I'm talking about driving.

Nick: Oh, driving. Oh. Have you ever driven on the other side?

Leah: No.

Nick: Oh. Yeah, it's a little tricky, because you get in the car and with your right hand you reach over to grab the seatbelt, but there is no seatbelt there.

Leah: Oh! Oh!

Nick: And that is very disconcerting. Yeah. And then going through a roundabout, I feel like every country that drives on the left loves roundabouts.

Leah: I hate roundabouts.

Nick: And those are very tricky, because you are now going into a roundabout and you go left, which is against every instinct you have in your body.

Leah: No! No!

Nick: Yes.

Leah: Have I done a vent or repent about roundabouts? Because every time I'm in one, I think this is a nightmare. And then to have to go the other direction?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I would probably have to park my car and walk it.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Or be like, "Can I just go through the middle?"

Nick: Yeah. No, you become the Griswolds. "Oh, look, kids. Big Ben."

Leah: [laughs] I literally would become the Griswolds.

Nick: So, UK? Please just fix this. It's not the way life should be. Thank you. Thank you for your time. [laughs]

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: I learned that there are people in this world of ours who send passive-aggressive birthday cards with fake return addresses.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. People like that exist in the world. Wow.

Leah: Wow.

Nick: Wow. And I learned that Aragorn was always next in line to be king. Is that right?

Leah: Yes, he is next in line. I'm glad that you—he should be king. Like, he is in the line of the—of the kings.

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: But he doesn't want to do it because he's afraid—it was his bloodline that took the ring instead of throwing it into Mount Doom. So he doesn't want ...

Nick: Okay, spoiler alert.

Leah: This—I mean, it's been around for a really long time.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Well, I haven't seen it.

Leah: Maybe he doesn't make it. Maybe—maybe the—maybe the sword is never reforged.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Maybe the people in Gondor don't give it back. I'm not telling you what happens, because there is a steward in Gondor that's not Aragorn.

Nick: Well, okay. I'll have to watch.

Leah: Or I could read them to you every night.

Nick: [laughs] Oh, bedtime stories!

Leah: Over the phone.

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, I want you to tell two people about our show. If you only tell one person, you have not done your homework. It is incomplete. You gotta tell two people.

Leah: I feel like Nick's got some really high goals this week. First, London needs to start going on the right side of the escalator.

Nick: Yes, please.

Leah: Right meaning "correct," not because you actually want them on the left side.

Nick: I want them standing on the left, passing on the right.

Leah: And now people have to tell two people. And that's assuming if you have two listeners per household, that's four people.

Nick: Uh, yes. Yes. This should be exponential. Yes.

Leah: I mean, I believe in them.

Nick: Yeah. I believe in our listeners. So please do that. And we'll see you next time.!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: So my friends Julie and Ed, who I have actually done, I think, multiple cordials of kindness to, because they've taken such amazing care of me. I stayed with them before I moved here. They welcomed me into Los Angeles. They recently lost their dog Rambo to very old age. And he was so well taken care of, and they loved him so much. And so I wanted to do a cordial of kindness to Rambo for always taking such good care of everybody and loving Julie and Ed. And to Julie and Ed for giving him the best life ever.

Nick: Aww, very nice. And for me, I want to say thank you to all of my friends. It was recently my birthday, and everybody took me out to a lovely dinner in the West Village. And it was a great little dinner party full of place cards and optimal seating charts. Yeah, it was really a lovely dinner. And so I want to say thank you to everybody for treating me. It was very nice.

Leah: So lovely!

Nick: Very lovely. So thank you.