Saving Seats in Singapore, Avoiding Unnecessary Meetings, Bringing Your Own Sodas, and More

Nick: Do you steal people's tables? Do you schedule unnecessary meetings? Do you use too much glassware? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

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Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: Oh, I'm so excited!

Nick: So for today's amuse bouche, I want to talk about choping in Singapore.

Leah: I was hoping that's what we were gonna talk about.

Nick: [laughs] Do you know what this is?

Leah: No.

Nick: Have you been to Singapore?

Leah: I have not.

Nick: Oh, you should go. I'm actually gonna be there in a couple weeks, and I was sort of thinking through Singapore as just a place. And this came to mind and I thought oh, this is kind of specific and fun. So, choping. This does happen elsewhere in the world, sort of, but I feel like this is a very Singaporean thing. And so what this is is let's say we are in a hawker center, which is like a food court—which are delicious, and they're all over the city. And there's just, like, bunches of stalls. Many of them are, like, family owned and run, and tons of variety. And so what you do is you see an empty table and you chope your seat—C-H-O-P-E. And what you do is you need to take an object and put it at the seat. And so the classic choping object in Singapore is a packet of tissues.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: Now alternatives that are acceptable include: an umbrella, a water bottle, a, like, office lanyard, like your swipe badge. You might get away with, like, a pen, maybe a newspaper, if it's not windy. But a packet of tissues, this is the classic.

Leah: It's not what I would've guessed, but I love it.

Nick: And locals respect it. Like, this is something you gotta respect. If there's a tissue on the table at a seat, you gotta know that somebody is out getting their food, and you just don't take that seat.

Leah: I'm ready. I always carry tissues.

Nick: And these tissues are actually very common in Asia because they're often handed out for free, like, on the street, because they usually have advertising on them. And so, like, everybody has them.

Leah: I feel like there was a lot of open-air food market scenes in Crazy Rich Asians.

Nick: Oh, for sure. Yeah, they went to a hawker center. Yes. I'd have to go back and look at the movie, but I bet in the background there's probably, like, packs of tissues on tables in the background.

Leah: I remember thinking, "I am so hungry. This food looks amazing."

Nick: Yeah. No, the food in Singapore is kind of amazing. Now there is a debate about chopping, and whether or not it's actually good etiquette or not. I mean, it is baked into Singaporean society now so, like, I don't think we can get rid of it, even though there actually have been some groups that have been trying to get rid of it. They've actually, like, gone around and, like, put little signs on people's tissue, which is like, "Please don't chope." Like, don't chope.

Leah: [laughs] Please don't chope.

Nick: [laughs] Because it is not actually super efficient in terms of the use of this table, because let's say I put down my tissue and now I'm gonna go and get some food. I might be gone for 10 minutes or longer. I mean, some of these stalls are so famous and so delicious that, like, you might be in line for 20 minutes, half an hour. And so you have tied up that seat for half an hour, which is actually enough time for someone else to have actually eaten and left. So there is a group of people who feel like this is not great. This is not the most efficient use of this resource.

Leah: I love the idea that there would be an anti-choping movement.

Nick: Yes, there is. Yeah, some people see it as sort of ungracious, and think it actually doesn't reflect well on Singaporean society and people. So yeah, it is interesting. But it is so baked in that you're not gonna be able to get rid of it at this point. And oh, just the name itself. So "chope," it's sort of a Singlish word, I guess. And it comes from the word "chop," C-H-O-P. And a "chop" is what you might use to, like, sign a legal document in many parts of Asia. So like a red seal. And so the idea is that you are marking something.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And so you are marking this spot. You're putting a "chop" on it. And so chope sort of comes from this idea.

Leah: I love it.

Nick: Right? So next time you're in Singapore, get your tissues.

Leah: Well, you're gonna have to let us know if you chope while you're there, Nick.

Nick: Oh, I'll definitely be choping because I definitely am gonna eat all of the Singaporean chicken and rice. Yeah, this is like one of their famous dishes and, like, one of the first things I'm gonna do when I get there.

Leah: And we want a picture.

Nick: That I can do.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep, and did we really have to go?

Nick: [laughs] So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about: Did this need to be a meeting?

Leah: And this came up because this happened to me recently, which I'm sure has happened to everybody at home listening.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, everybody has experienced this.

Leah: Well, but it just was so blatant where I had helped this person out with this thing, and then recommended these other people and set the whole thing up. And then the person came in and was like, "Let's all hop on a meeting together." And I was like, "What?"

Nick: So today's deep dive is about when does it need to be a meeting and when is it just an email? And why this is an etiquette thing is that we want to be respectful of people's time. And I would say most of the time meetings are not necessary, and are disrespectful of everybody's time.

Leah: What I wanted to do was reply all and be like, "These are the things that are discussed. This just needs to be confirmed. This is three sentences."

Nick: Yeah, this is not a meeting. Right. So I think the easiest way to think about it is: When should it be a meeting? Because that feels like a much smaller list. When is it actually a good idea to have the meeting?

Leah: I think we should have a meeting when we're at the beginning of something and there's a lot of different viewpoints coming in. We're sort of brainstorming what we're doing, what needs to get done, what are people's thoughts on it. Like, there's a lot of different information, we don't have any clear schedule yet.

Nick: All right. We need to make a plan.

Leah: Maybe people need to introduce themselves, say a little bit about themselves.

Nick: Yeah, that's good. Yeah, when we need to have a little context about who the players are. Yeah.

Leah: I think it could also be a meeting where if there is, like, a disruption of some sort, something isn't working and we need to get everybody together to be like, "What's happening? How can we fix this as a group?"

Nick: Right. Okay. Some conflict resolution, maybe even.

Leah: A little conflict resolution, where it's not just like, this needs to happen and then let's move forward.

Nick: Right.

Leah: When it's like, what's happening? How can we make this work for everybody? What's going on?

Nick: And I think if there's something maybe emotional or a little delicate where, like, email may not be the vibe, then that definitely feels like a phone call or a meeting. Like, that feels like a live conversation. So I could see times for that.

Leah: I absolutely see that.

Nick: And then I guess there is a category of when somebody just isn't getting it. Like, you've been doing the emails, and they just aren't getting it. And it's sort of like, all right, we have to talk about it now. Like, clearly something is not connecting via all of our email exchanges. I need to get you on the phone to figure out, like, what is the problem here, and maybe have to explain it to you in a different way. And so, like, let's just have a quick meeting about it.

Leah: Definitely. And I think there's like, if you—if a person needs clarification, we'd be like, "Can we hop on the phone?" Which feels a little different than being like, let's get multiple people involved and check schedules.

Nick: That's true.

Leah: And then now multiple people have to be available at this time, so we're actually gonna even take more time scheduling because nobody's gonna have the same schedule.

Nick: Right. I mean, I guess jumping on a phone call, yeah, is that a meeting? Not quite, not quite what we're talking about. Yeah, it's the idea that multiple people now have to take time.

Leah: Most people have to take time, and we're gonna take time scheduling around the multiple people's time.

Nick: Yeah. The scheduling process, I mean, that's a whole other conversation. Put a pin in that. That's a future deep dive topic.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But yeah, I feel like unless it's something complex, we're brainstorming, we're problem solving, we're planning, we're brainstorming off each other where we gotta bounce ideas off of each other in real time, unless it's one of these things, if it's just I need a status update? No, that's not a meeting.

Leah: I almost feel—I'm not sure if—it's—maybe I'll walk this back, but it seems like some people's default mode is to be like, "Let's set up a meeting."

Nick: Yes, because it's easier to have meetings than get stuff done.

Leah: And you wanna be like, "I don't. Let's not. Let's just—why are we meeting all the time?"

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Because it is weird to be the person who says, "I don't think this needs to be a meeting."

Nick: It is weird. That's true. As a society, we're not allowed to push back on that because—why aren't we? Because it makes us feel like our time is more valuable, or we're not a team player? Yeah, what is the feeling there?

Leah: Well, I feel like we feel like we're putting down the person who suggested the meeting in some way. So instead we were all just agreeing to completely waste our time and energy.

Nick: Right. We are accommodating your request.

Leah: I will double—but I already know you said put a pin in it, so I'm doing this whole thing where I honestly don't understand why we're having more meetings. And I actually don't even—the first meeting I thought was more than ample, and then my favorite part was they were like, "Okay, let's do another meeting." And I said, "I'm only available in the mornings." And then they sent out an email and there were specific dates. They sent out an email to all these other people that have to be in it, and they were like, "How's two o'clock for everybody?"

Nick: [laughs] Right. Not the morning.

Leah: And I'm like, literally what just happened? I've agreed to do this thing that I don't even want to do, but I didn't wanna be rude and be like, "I don't understand why we're doing this again."

Nick: Okay, so we need to come up with some language. What is polite, etiquette-approved language to decline a meeting? Where I'm like, "Leah, let's set up a meeting to talk about this thing." And you're like, "We don't need to. It's all in the emails that we've already had. I'm happy to answer more questions via email. It is not required for me to jump on a call or a Zoom to talk about this thing." How can we decline in a polite way?

Leah: So I'm just gonna talk this through, because for me, most of the time, I'm happy to do the first meeting, hear what your thing is. So this is usually when they're like, "Let's do a follow up," and you're like, "I think we've discussed everything."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: So there's a nice way to be like—just spitballing. "I thought our first meeting was so great. These are the points I took away. This is what I'm gonna do moving forward. Let me know if I missed anything."

Nick: Mmm.

Leah: "I think the first meeting was so great, we don't need to do it again."

Nick: [laughs] Okay. There's something in there. How about a, like, "Golly, my schedule's so tight right now, what would be on the agenda for this meeting? Maybe I can address those issues via email." Could that work?

Leah: That works. Golly!

Nick: Okay. Golly. Yeah, it only works if you say "Golly."

Leah: "Golly, my schedule is so tight."

Nick: Golly is the key to that.

Leah: I like the idea of, "What would be on the agenda? Maybe I can address some of those right now."

Nick: That I think might be the thing, because so often the agenda is never really clear in advance for these bad meetings. Like, for these unnecessary meetings, often the agenda is nebulous or not set, which is why it's maddening. And so maybe by demanding a little detail in advance, that would be useful.

Leah: I think it also has to do with who is involved. Like, if it's just back and forth the two of us, it's so much easier to be like, "Exactly what are we talking about?" You know what I mean? Let's just clarify it. But when they're like, "Let's bring all these other people in," that's when you want to be like, "Why?"

Nick: Yeah, and the more people that get added, the less efficient it becomes.

Leah: The less efficient it's gonna be, and the longer it's gonna take to schedule it.

Nick: Yeah. There is an interesting thing that Jeff Bezos used to do at Amazon—I don't know if it's still a thing, but his rule was that internal teams could only be as large as could be fed with two pizzas. So if you had two pizzas, how many people could that feed? And that was the maximum size for a team. And so some people actually use the two-pizza rule for meetings, which is the number of people in this meeting cannot be larger than how many could eat two pizzas.

Leah: I mean, they haven't seen my ability to eat a pizza. So ...

Nick: That was my follow up. How many pizzas is that? And, like, what kind of pizzas? Is this, like, Chicago deep dish, like 20 inches across? Is this like little mini pizzas? Like, what is this? Is it a bagel bite?

Leah: That's what I like about you, Nick. You're like, "I would like to know what type of pizza it is." Also, I feel like people's ability to eat pizza really varies.

Nick: Yeah, what kind of mood am I in? Did I skip lunch?

Leah: Did I just eat? Yes! Am I hungry?

Nick: Also, what kind of pizza is it? You know, if it's a good pizza—artisanal, wood-fired ...

Leah: I'll eat the whole pizza myself.

Nick: Yeah. No, seriously. So I don't know about the pizza rule.

Leah: But I'm glad we brought it up.

Nick: The other idea I had was there is some weird thing where we've all decided that the default meeting length in the United States is 30 minutes. Like, when you're scheduling a meeting with somebody, like ...

Leah: That's so true.

Nick: ... 30 minutes is, like, what goes in the calendar. I say no. Let's make that 15 minutes, because honestly ...

Leah: I love that idea. And that—but except for the opening meeting. For the opening meeting where we're getting to know, we're talking.

Nick: Yeah. No, there's gotta be a little more pageantry. "How are your dogs? What did you do this weekend? Oh, I love what's in the background of your Zoom."

Leah: You might not even know I have dogs. You know what I mean?

Nick: We know, Leah.

Leah: So—no, I mean ...

Nick: We'll know real fast.

Leah: Well, you will once we have the meeting, but I'm just saying this, it could be an intro meeting.

Nick: Right. Intro meetings, okay. Definitely more than 15 minutes. Fine. But I feel like any meeting agenda that cannot be done in 15 minutes, I think we've really gotta think long and hard, is this the right agenda? Is this really what needs to be discussed, decided, done in this meeting? Maybe yeah, meetings could be longer. Sure. Of course. But I would say—I would venture to say most meetings could be 15 minutes or less.

Leah: And this obviously is hitting hard for Nick because time ...

Nick: Money!

Leah: ... robbing you of time.

Nick: Money. Time is money. And I only have so much time left, so trying to cash in as much as possible. No, but honestly, nobody likes their time wasted. I mean ...

Leah: No, and there is this sort of like, this weird feeling it gets where if you spend a lot of time with somebody working on something and then they're like, "Let's do a follow up with all these people," you wanna be like, "Why did I just spend all this time?"

Nick: Right. Yeah. Like, what was that for?

Leah: What was that for? What was the takeaway from that if we're doing it again?

Nick: Well, it's like leaving somebody a long, detailed voicemail that answers all of their questions, and then they call you back and they're like, "Hey, I saw you called," and they expect you to go through it all again.

Leah: Yep. No, it is exactly like that.

Nick: And you wanna be like, "Just listen to the voicemail I just left you."

Leah: It is exactly like that.

Nick: It is exactly that. So meetings? I feel like if we can just be more respectful of people's time, that would be nice.

Leah: Golly, my schedule is very tight.

Nick: [laughs] Exactly.

Leah: What's on the agenda?

Nick: All right. We solved it.

Leah: Done.

Nick: Done.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "I've had a burr in my saddle over something several of my friends do when they come over to my house for parties. Whether it's themed around a holiday, or what have you, I rarely have a super casual, come as you are, bring whatever kind of night. I typically have put a decent amount of effort into hosting the event, or I went overboard. Either way, I always have one to three guests bring in their own outside drink. One is always a Chick-fil-A cup, the others are water bottles or Sonic drinks. My dilemma? I always provide alcoholic and non-alcoholic options, cute glasses, themed bevies and always plenty of options for my guests. It drives me absolutely nuts for them to come over, and instead of partaking in my curated selection of drinks, suck on their straws all evening. Am I overthinking this? Am I being a nag, or am I right to be irritated by this behavior? And do y'all have recommendations for how to politely, casually and discreetly address it?"

Leah: I feel like our letter-writer is making, like, a very cute party with, like, matching beverages and fun themes and, like, fun things to drink out of, and I totally understand why they don't want somebody coming in making straw noises.

Nick: Yeah, I get that. Yeah. I mean, our letter writer has either made a huge amount of effort, or went overboard.

Leah: Which is also a huge amount of effort.

Nick: Yeah. So, like, this is a serious party. Yeah.

Leah: And a fun time. It's a fun time.

Nick: I think why it's striking our letter-writer as being rude is that they are essentially refusing your hospitality. They're basically saying, like, "We know you put a lot of effort into this but, like, we don't want that. We want our own thing." And that's—that's rude. You know, we don't bring our own food to a dinner party, typically. So, like, beverages, same idea.

Leah: I feel like the water bottles are in a different category than the fountain drinks.

Nick: Yes. I mean, Americans' obsession with hydration has gotten a little out of control, I think. [laughs] I mean, people are carrying around 64-ounce jugs of water with them at all times.

Leah: But I mean, it is a thing, and people are carrying water bottles around.

Nick: Fine. But at this party, if you wanted water, it is also available. You do not have to bring your own water.

Leah: I don't think they have to bring their own water. And I understand there's water available. I'm just saying I would put it in a different category, because I think people just walk around. I just—Nick got me a Love Island water bottle.

Nick: I did, yes. I would not want you showing up at a dinner party with that, though.

Leah: I bring it everywhere. It's just in my bag.

Nick: Right. But you don't have to be sucking on it at a party among other people.

Leah: Well, I might be.

Nick: Okay, well then I think our letter-writer would not love that.

Leah: [laughs] I'm just saying I wouldn't put it in the same category as a Sonic drink.

Nick: Yes, water does feel like a slightly different category, but it does still send the signal of, like, your water is not good enough for me. Something's wrong with your filtration.

Leah: Yeah, but maybe it's a person who's, like, on a thing and they have to check in with their group at the end of the night and say how much water they drank.

Nick: Okay. I mean, health and safety always trumps etiquette. So ...

Leah: For a specific example ...

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: That's why I think it's in a different category.

Nick: Okay, fine. Now I have heard that the beverages at Sonic are, like, a thing. I've never been to a Sonic, but I hear that, like, there's some weird statistic that they have, like, thousands of different combinations available.

Leah: This is what I heard. It's like a black—I don't know. But I hear—I mean, I've seen the commercials.

Nick: Or I've heard, like, they have ice that's somehow special in some way. There's something unique about the Sonic beverages. Okay, fine. I've never been to a Chick-fil-A. Do they also have remarkable beverages there?

Leah: I think that's just an example of a fountain drink. I think they just have regular fountain drinks.

Nick: They just have regular fountain drinks. And I guess at this party, you do not have a soda fountain.

Leah: It feels like they just stopped on the way and then they're drinking their beverage. I wonder if we could just take it and be like, "Hey, let me—you know—you know, I set it all up to match. Let me put it in one of my cups."

Nick: Okay. Yeah, I think something cheeky, which is like, "Oh, the Chick-fil-A cup doesn't match my tablescape. Can I put that in a crystal goblet for you?"

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: That could be a compromise. Like, you can have your beverage, but at least put it in one of my glasses.

Leah: Because I don't think these people are thinking about it.

Nick: No. No, it's just—I mean, there are people that just, like, walk around life always holding a beverage.

Leah: And so if there's a way to, like, get them to understand I set this all up. I'd love for to you to be involved in the party that I've created for you.

Nick: Right. I think something in that flavor. Or could we ask, like, "Hey, I notice you always bring a Sonic beverage. What do you get from there? I would love to be able to offer you the same thing at my party so you don't feel like you have to bring it."

Leah: Well, that's a nice option.

Nick: Right? And then you have to figure out, like, what is the cherry-limeade slushy, or whatever it is.

Leah: I wonder if when you send out an invitation, you wrote, "No outside drinks and food. I will be preparing everything."

Nick: Um, you could. I don't know if there's a real nice way to phrase that.

Leah: Or we just have a trash can by our door.

Nick: Or a bouncer.

Leah: Or a bouncer that says, "No outside drinks and food."

Nick: Or you have TSA security and be like, "Is that more than three ounces? You're gonna have to finish that."

Leah: This is getting close to barbed wire.

Nick: [laughs] Bear traps.

Leah: Bear traps. That's what it is.

Nick: Electrified fences and bear traps. Yeah, I like the idea of letting them bring a beverage, but sort of asking them very nicely if you could decant it into one of your glasses to make it more in the theme of the party. I think that would be a reasonable request as a host. I don't think we want to deny them their beverages—okay, fine. But at least it could not be in a paper cup with a straw like that.

Leah: My guess is that it's always the same three people.

Nick: I think it's the same culprits. Yeah.

Leah: So options are: we don't invite them.

Nick: Yeah. Always on the table.

Leah: We could do what Nick said, which is email in advance. "Hey, you know, you always come with the Sonic. Tell me what it is. I'll get it in advance.

Nick: Right? Mm-hmm.

Leah: But I would think that people would get the idea, like, you're hosting an event. You love to have, like, a theme. Like, you don't want people walking around with straws making the fountain cup noise.

Nick: Yeah, it's not even the fountain cup noise, it's just like you're walking around my party with an outside beverage. It's a little strange.

Leah: And my curated selection of drinks suck on their straws all evening. So I was just addressing ...

Nick: Oh, yeah. Okay. You're sucking on the straws. Yeah, I guess we don't love that. And I guess our beverages do not require straws that we're offering.

Leah: You know, it makes a particular noise in a fountain drink. [squeaks]

Nick: Is that—oh, it's the sound of the plastic hitting the plastic?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Oh, that's the noise. It's not the—the sucking up of liquid noise.

Leah: I think it's the [squeaks].

Nick: [laughs] That's true. No, it is a little nails on a chalkboard-y. Okay. Yeah. No, I don't love that.

Leah: It's a little cacophony amongst this curated orchestra.

Nick: Yeah. And other guests are gonna be like, "Oh, is all the catering from Sonic tonight?"

Leah: Fifth option.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: You just say, "Hey, I'm like—" however you want to say it about yourself that I think is funny, light, upbeat, how you love themes, you love a party, and to have a particular—like they said to us, sometimes they go over the top and just some sort of like your ...

Nick: "It's not you, it's me. I have a thing about this. So ..."

Leah: "I have a thing and you're ..."

Nick: Ruining it.

Leah: "Your fountain drinks are in direct opposition to my Pinterest party."

Nick: Okay, I think that's fair. And as long as you couch it in a "I totally get it. It's a me thing, but just indulge me," I think that could work.

Leah: I would start with the decanting.

Nick: Decanting feels like the best option, honestly. Yeah, because they get to drink what they want, and then it just visually looks nicer.

Leah: And then maybe it will get in their heads, like, you don't want them bringing in drinks.

Nick: Maybe. And you're gonna have to find, like, glassware that can accommodate. I mean, some of these fountain drinks are what, 64 ounces? I mean, that's a large glass.

Leah: [laughs] It's a very large glass.

Nick: [laughs] Right? So good luck finding that in your crystal pattern.

Leah: Or—are we at six or seven?

Nick: Oh, at least.

Leah: They walk in, you say, "Thank you so much for coming. May I take your coat?"

Nick: Mmm.

Leah: And then you just take the beverage, walk away with it. Just take it.

Nick: Oh! "Oh yeah, allow me. Oh, I've got that."

Leah: "Allow me." You assume you must be throwing this away. You're coming into my party.

Nick: Yes. "Oh, no problem. I'll handle that. Please enjoy."

Leah: And then you just take it to the kitchen, dump half of it out into your cup, put the other half in the fridge, bring it back and give it to them.

Nick: Oh, there we go, okay. Oh, I thought you were just gonna toss it in the garbage.

Leah: At first I was gonna toss it in the garbage.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: But then I decided we can reroute it.

Nick: Oh, that works, too. Okay. So, wonderful.

Leah: Let us know how it goes.

Nick: Yeah, let us know how it goes. So our next question is quote, "My husband and I are leaving for a two-week trip tomorrow, and while we're away, my parents have graciously agreed to housesit and care for our two dogs. We have a two-bedroom home, and they will be staying in our guest suite. I have a sibling that lives a few hours away who is now planning to join my parents during their stay. I am more than happy to have my sibling visit, and have planned to set up an air mattress in our office space, which has its own bathroom. My mother and husband are incredulous as to this plan, believing it far more appropriate for my sibling to use our primary suite instead of the makeshift space in the home office. Regardless of who it is, I detest the thought of having anyone besides my husband sleeping in our bed. Is this unreasonable? Am I being rude in having him sleep on an air mattress while our bed remains unused?"

Leah: I was sort of excited to see how you feel, Nick, because I feel a certain way about this.

Nick: Huh! My take is you do not have to have anyone sleep in your bed. That is your bed, and it is not unreasonable to call that off limits to guests. Full stop. And it's not like you're shoving your sibling in a leaky basement on the cement floor with no pillows. Like, it's a perfectly fine office space air mattress with its own bathroom. This is fine.

Leah: Oh, okay. So our take was the same.

Nick: Okay, yeah. Yeah.

Leah: Mine was we all have our things. Like, we all have our thing that's like, a thing we are invested in, we care about that feels like our thing. And if for you it's your bed, you don't want other people sleeping in it ...

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: It's your bed!

Nick: That feels reasonable. Also, what does the sibling think about all this? Because it says your husband and mother are incredulous but, like, what about the sibling? Is the sibling fine? If so, then that's the end of the story. If the sibling has a problem with this, then how about the sibling let you know? Why are we going through, like, third parties?

Leah: I mean, the office space even has its own bathroom.

Nick: Own bathroom. En suite.

Leah: En suite!

Nick: En suite. The best kind of suite: En!

Leah: I mean, maybe if we wanted to go a little—a little extra ...

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: We get a air mattress topper.

Nick: Okay, sure.

Leah: We have an air mattress topper. Really makes a difference.

Nick: And this is a topper for the air mattress, so it adds an extra something.

Leah: Adds a little extra something.

Nick: Okay, that's nice. I like that.

Leah: Because then you could be like, "It's en suite. There's a topper! What?"

Nick: And I think you just say, like, "Oh, we just don't offer up our bed to guests. Hope that's okay."

Leah: "We just don't offer up our beds to guests, but—" because do you hope it's okay?

Nick: I mean, I hope it's okay.

Leah: I hope it's okay, but not in a way that if it's not okay I'm changing my mind.

Nick: No, no. But it's just like, "Hope it's okay with you. If not, you don't have to come."

Leah: I'll stay on your air mattress. Its own bathroom? Come on!

Nick: I think one little quirk is that, I guess, the husband here doesn't mind, but I feel like your concern trumps his. I don't think we can compromise on this because there is no compromise. There's no middle ground here.

Leah: It would be interesting if it was the husband's family, but it's our letter-writer's sibling.

Nick: Ah, yes. Yeah, it's not his family.

Leah: So if he was like, "My brother or sister is coming. They really can't sleep on an air mattress. Please don't tell them they have to sleep—" I feel like that would add another layer.

Nick: Right. No, no. It's my parents, my sibling.

Leah: It's my parents, my sibling.

Nick: My bed.

Leah: Or their bed.

Nick: Sure. But my bed.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, I think you don't have to share your bed. I think that's full stop. And I think you are making your guests perfectly comfortable, which is part of your obligation as a host. And that's it.

Leah: I mean, you're not even there and you're letting everybody stay in your house.

Nick: That's also very nice. Yes. So yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. I would say just hold the line and be done with it.

Leah: I agree, Nick. I agree.

Nick: Great. So you out there, do you have questions for us? Oh, yes you do! Send them to us. Send them to us at our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com, or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we'd like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: Oh, looks like I'm gonna vent, Nick.

Nick: Okay. What has happened?

Leah: Visualize the scene.

Nick: Bring me there.

Leah: It's a comedy show outside of Los Angeles.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: It's a large restaurant/bar.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Friday nights they have comedy.

Nick: I'm picturing it.

Leah: Two rooms.

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: You don't like comedy? You can go in the other room.

Nick: Okay, so I have a choice as a diner, what kind of dining experience I want.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Dinner and a show or just dinner?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Show has begun.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: A group of four comes in. They don't want to sit in the non-comedy room.

Nick: They want to be in the comedy room.

Leah: They want to be in the comedy room.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And not only do they want to be in the comedy room, they want to be in the middle of the comedy room, not all the way to the back.

Nick: Ooh, in the center of the action.

Leah: So there are people behind them who are already watching the comedy show.

Nick: Got it.

Leah: They do not, however, want to watch comedy.

Nick: Oh, there is a flaw in their plan.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: So one of them puts their back to the stage.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And then over the comics, comments on everything she hates about comedy.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: She then, her and her friend across, make a FaceTime-on-speaker phone call.

Nick: Oh! Okay.

Leah: To their friend.

Nick: Sure. Like you do.

Leah: Like one does. And then just talks about how much they dislike comedy throughout—everybody said, but do not want to go in the non-comedy room. The people behind them that have to watch the show through them keep telling them to be quiet.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: They're ruining it for everybody around them. We, the other comics, can hear them, what they're saying about the people on stage.

Nick: Yeah. Well, that's rude.

Leah: Just ornery. Like, she wanted to get in a fight with people.

Nick: Yeah. And also, where's the restaurant in all of this?

Leah: They did not want to get involved because they don't want to lose—so it was up to the people running the show to be like, "Please be quiet. Do you want to go to the other room? Da, da, da, da, da." She kept being like, "No, I'm gonna stay here. No, I don't want that. No, I don't wanna ..."

Nick: Oh, how miserable!

Leah: and I mean, she was—just wanted to fight. It was like the most aggressive, rude, unbeliev—I got to the point where I couldn't even take it. I just sat down and I just stared at her face. Like I couldn't—I was like, who are you?

Nick: And this was happening during your set too, I guess.

Leah: I was last.

Nick: Oh.

Leah: So when I got up and I heard her and I go, "I've already heard enough from you."

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, shut it down. I'm sure the whole room applauded.

Leah: And then I just kept—and then I just went into it and completely ignored. She just—it was—it was like she wanted to be the center of attention.

Nick: Yeah. Well, she achieved something.

Leah: Put her back to the show. Like, just wanted to criticize people. It was unbelievable.

Nick: Oh, that's so horrible!

Leah: And because they did not have security, she got to stay there.

Nick: Yeah, that's, I think, the problem here. I feel like the restaurant really needed to do something about this.

Leah: The problem is that there's people that do this. They show up just to be—like, she got something from it. Like, it really lit her fires.

Nick: Some people do get a charge out of this. Yeah.

Leah: And then when I went to the bathroom, she came and stood behind me in line.

Nick: Oh, of course. And did you give her death eyes?

Leah: No, I gave her no eyes. I acted as if I couldn't even see her.

Nick: Great.

Leah: [laughs] Great. I mean—you know what I mean? Like, that's what she wanted: death eyes.

Nick: Yeah. Well, we have our work cut out for us.

Leah: I was like, there she goes again. I mean, just—like it's people in life who've never been told, "You gotta stop."

Nick: Or they have been told and they get a charge off of being bad.

Leah: Yeah, but I mean, they haven't been told in a way where they had to lose anything, where they've actually been removed.

Nick: There's no consequences. Yes. Oh, that's true. Yeah, they've never faced consequences.

Leah: There's never been a real consequence.

Nick: We need to have etiquette consequences. That is the flaw with the etiquette system.

Leah: There needs to be, like, a "I got my first driving ticket violation."

Nick: Whoa! Okay.

Leah: There was a consequence for—and I feel like we need ...

Nick: For allegedly doing whatever you did.

Leah: For allegedly doing whatever I did, which I will be showing up in court and saying that I did not do. So it is alleged, but I was flagged, and there were repercussions. And people should have repercussions for being total piles of garbage and ruining an entire experience. It's not so much for me. Like, comics, we're sort of used to it. I felt bad for the audience.

Nick: Yeah, they paid money to be there and have a nice evening and enjoy a show, and that was ruined for them. Yeah, I definitely feel bad for them. Yeah, it didn't have to be that way.

Leah: We need to bring back this flag on the field tickets. Maybe it goes on their taxes at the end of the year. I don't know how we do it.

Nick: Yeah, we do need to come up with a system where there are consequences more than just me giving you a dirty look.

Leah: I would like maybe, like, volunteer shifts.

Nick: Mmm, community service.

Leah: Like a community service.

Nick: Okay. Well, we're gonna brainstorm this, we're gonna come up with something. Because there has to be consequences. We've done it the other way long enough.

Leah: It's not working.

Nick: It's not working. [laughs] Exactly.

Leah: I would say it's getting worse.

Nick: Yeah, it's not working. We tried it. It's not working. We gotta try something else.

Leah: Yeah, we gotta move on. We gotta move on.

Nick: Well, speaking of moving on, I would like to vent. So I was recently at a charity event at a place called Chelsea Piers, which is here in New York, and it's on a pier in the Hudson River. And lovely charity and, you know, classy event where, like, there's tons of round tables in the room, and 10 people around a table. And you sit down and there's fundraising, and then people show videos about what the charity does. Here's the vent though. So as you know, there are glasses that go on tables. And so this table had a water glass, a white wine glass, and a red wine glass. And Leah, where do you put the glasses? What side do we find our glasses?

Leah: On the right side, Nick.

Nick: That is correct. They go on the right. And the reason why we have a system where we've all agreed glassware goes on the right is that you know which glasses are yours. This is the idea. Now the problem was this table was so small, it was too small for 10 people, that the water glass, wine glass, wine glass went right up against the next water glass, wine glass, wine glass. There was no gap in between. There was just a solid ring of glassware around the entire table with no beginning and no end. And they were using the same glassware for each of these beverages. So they were the identical stemware, and so it was now impossible to now know whose glass was whose. And this was mayhem and chaos all evening, because as plates of food were happening and as other things were happening on the table, people pick up their glasses, they put it down, and now there's just this assortment of random glassware at all different places on this table. And it truly was impossible to know whose glass was whose. And it's like, there has to be a better way. This is mayhem. This is chaos. The fabric of society has now broken down. This is what happens. This is the first sign.

Leah: I mean, whoever was wearing lipstick at that table really lucked out.

Nick: Uh, that's true. Oh, that's a good point. Yes. I should have been wearing better lip gloss that has more distinctive patterning, yes.

Leah: Brought your little wine ring, you know that you put it on ...

Nick: That's what I was thinking: a little charm to put on the glass. If I go to another charity event at Chelsea Piers, I'm gonna say, like, "Oh, who's catering it this time? Is it the same people as last time? We're gonna bring my charms." Yeah, keep some charms in my bag. Yeah. Or a dry erase pen. That works on glass, right?

Leah: Yeah, I don't know if it does, but it sounds good to me.

Leah: Oh, that's real aggressive, but I kind of like the idea of a little dry erase marker. Can you imagine?

Leah: That's what you do at parties so you don't keep getting new cups and destroying the environment.

Nick: Or I should have just brought my own solo cups, and I would have been the only person with red solo cups at this table, and then I would have known.

Leah: Or this is when you bring out your own water bottle that you've been carrying around.

Nick: [laughs] This is when I have my own Sonic beverage. Now I get it. But it was so wild, because as soon as I sat down on the table—because they had also placed all the coffee cups as well, and so there was just so much glassware on this table. It was just, like, full of glassware. It was so wild. And it was like, this table is not big enough. The table was really meant probably for six people, maybe eight, definitely not ten people. And so yeah, it was like, "Hmm!" That's what I said to myself. "Hmm!"

Leah: Hmm!

Nick: Hmm!

Leah: This brought me back to my catering times. I remember setting those tables.

Nick: Yeah, they definitely did not have a ruler out to make sure it was all spaced correctly. This was not Swiss butler school. So that's my vent. I just wish it were not chaos. That's all. Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so.

Leah: Or not only bring your own lipstick, next time they could put a lipstick at every seat.

Nick: Oh, and a different color. And so you'd be like, "Oh, is that bashful?"

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Great, you really cracked the code on that.

Leah: Well, that was the Steel Magnolias, right? Her colors were bashful and blush.

Nick: Oh, that's right. Yes, exactly. [laughs]

Leah: What a movie!

Nick: Okay. Well, drink your juice, Shelby.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And drink your juice out of the correct glass, please.

Leah: Please, mark your glass.

Nick: Mark your glass, Shelby. [laughs]

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: Well, I learned about choping.

Nick: Yes. Next time you're in Singapore, you can reserve a seat with a pack of tissues.

Leah: Which I always have a pack of tissues. I love tissues.

Nick: You're ready to roll.

Leah: Ready to roll.

Nick: And I learned that you allegedly did something bad.

Leah: I—I mean, welcome to LA. I finally got a ticket.

Nick: Remarkable it's taken this long.

Leah: I want to say that this person is—it was a CHiPs.

Nick: Uh-huh? California Highway Patrol?

Nick: Yeah. And it's one of my favorite movies, which nobody in the entire world liked except me. I went and saw it in the theater twice, and I bought it on DVD.

Nick: Whoa! Yeah. No, you are unique there.

Leah: And then really it got panned. I thought it was hilarious. Everything I had in me as a person to not say, "Have you seen the movie CHiPs? Because I loved it! I loved it."

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, I want to make sure that you are following us in whatever app you're using to listen to our show. There's a bell icon or a plus button or something, there's something in that app. So just do something so that you are notified when there's a new episode. And as long as you're at it, leave us a nice review, because we love them. It helps other people discover our show, and I need the validation.

Leah: [laughs] I wish that you could see Nick's face when he says that at the end, because it's so—it's so—what would you say that face is? It's very ...

Nick: Earnest?

Leah: It's very earnest. It's very closing argument.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: "And I need the validation."

Nick: It's just being matter of fact about it. You know, I just want to be honest with you about my needs. Because, you know, if you don't ask, you don't get, right? So ...

Leah: I love clear communication.

Nick: That's what we're doing. Walk the walk. So please do all of that. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: I would like to send out a cordials of kindness to my besties from college and throughout my life, Vita and Katie, who came down from Toronto to spend time with me in Los Angeles. We had the most wonderful time. They treated me to a lovely weekend. They met the dogs. The dogs loved them. It was the best.

Nick: Fun! And I want to say thank you for an amazing DM we just got, which is quote, "I've been listening to your podcast since 2023, and I can't even begin to tell you how many low moments it has saved me from. It's my companion while driving, while running, and anytime I'm not feeling good. Thanks for being there."

Leah: That is so nice!

Nick: Isn't that nice? That really warmed my little heart when I saw that, the idea that we could be there when you're having a rough day. I really like that.

Leah: That's so nice.

Nick: So thank you for that, and I'm glad we can be there.

Leah: Oh! Oh!

Nick: Right?

Leah: Yes!