Responding to Invitations, Enjoying Tennis, Dipping French Fries, and More

Nick: Do you respond to invitations the wrong way? Do you get up at the wrong time at tennis? Do you eat too much cookie? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

[Theme Song]

Here are things that can make it better

When we have to live together

We can all use a little help

So people don't ask themselves

Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: Oh, I'm still nervous about a setup, so—from last time.

Nick: [laughs] Oh, you got burned?

Leah: [laughs] No, I don't notice anything.

Nick: Well, for today, I want to talk about invitations.

Leah: Oh, I'd love to come.

Nick: So when you receive an invitation, what is your obligation? What should you do?

Leah: I should RSVP.

Nick: Yes, you need to respond. Yes. Yes. And it is so baffling to hosts why guests do not do this. And please just respond yes or no. Don't leave people hanging.

Leah: I do love when it's like a big event that you're gonna have to make huge plans for, and they're like, "We need you to know by this date. That way I know how long I have my—to get my ducks in a row."

Nick: Yes, like a wedding. And with many wedding invitations, there is often the little card. Like, it's a reply card and it comes with its own envelope.

Leah: Yes. I've seen it. I've used it.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, these exist. And I think these are ridiculous. I wish they did not exist. I mean, I understand why they exist, but it's like if the electric company sends you a bill and does not include a return envelope with the bill, you don't go, like, "I don't know what to do. What do I do with this bill? I don't know. Do I pay it? Where does the money go?" Like, you're not confused by this.

Leah: I'm not confused, but I gotta admit I love an envelope. It's all set up for me. It's ready to go. When I don't get an envelope with a bill, I go, "I gotta find an envelope and pay you money?"

Nick: I mean, okay. Sure. But I feel like for a wedding invitation, we know what to do. You respond. And there was a time before those little pre-printed cards where people knew what to do. And there was a formal language that was used. And of course I still use it, and I would like other people to still use it. And so here it is. And so when you want to accept an invitation—and this could be for anything. This is dinner, this is a wedding, like, anything. The language that you use is you put your name and then you say, "Accepts with pleasure." And then we have the host's name, and we say that their invitation was very kind. And then we put specific details about what the event is. So, like, the date the thing is happening.

Nick: So for example, "Nicholas Leighton accepts with pleasure Leah Bonnema's kind invitation for dinner on Tuesday, the 1st of July." And we put each of those on its own line, and we do that in handwriting. Must be handwritten. Emily Post actually says that an engraved version of this is vulgar.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So gotta be handwritten. Now if you have to decline, then you say, "Nicholas Leighton regrets that he is unable to accept Leah Bonnema's kind invitation for dinner on Tuesday, the 1st of July." And that's what it is. And so I think we should all do this more. And you could do this via email. I've done this via email. It's a bit grand, it's a bit fussy, but I think it's kind of fun.

Leah: I actually think it will be the next time I get invited for something on email ...

Nick: Yes.

Leah: I'm gonna do that and refer to myself in the third person.

Nick: Yes, "Leah Bonnema accepts with pleasure your kind invitation for nachos and television viewing of football on Sunday."

Leah: When I re-listen to this podcast again when it airs, I'm gonna write this down exactly as you're saying it, but I can't write it down while we're recording it, but I love it.

Nick: We'll make sure it's in the transcript.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Now a question does come up: Let's say you're invited to a wedding and it does have a reply card, but you really want to use this more formal language. What do you do? Now some etiquette experts say that you would just use the card and just send the card, because that's what they have. I, however, like doing both. So I will do my own handwritten card on my social stationery, and I will say, "Oh, I accept with pleasure," or "I regret I am unable to attend." And then in that same envelope, I will include their card. So they will have their official card as well, but at least I've included a note. So I think that's fun. I think more people should do it. I would like to bring this back.

Leah: I'll tell you what I love.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: I love the handwritten and I love you writing it, and I love that. What I do like is the already addressed envelope. I just—for a scattered brain like mine, it's the envelope. It already gets you going. I'm in it.

Nick: Oh, so you like that the envelope is pre-addressed. That's the key thing for you.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: The card itself is less important. It's that there's an envelope to put it in that already has the address.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Interesting! So do you need it to be stamped? Because some people actually put stamps on these.

Leah: Oh yeah, all the ones I've gotten have stamps on them.

Nick: Well, because people are animals, and in order to get people to do what they need to do, hosts have now figured out that the only way to get people to respond is to put stamps on them so that there's, like, no excuses.

Leah: Well, otherwise people are like, "Oh, I gotta go get stamps, and then they forget, and then they ..."

Nick: You should have stamps! You should have stamps in your stationary wardrobe. This is why we have a stationary wardrobe, people. Yet another reason.

Leah: I have stamps. I have stamps right here.

Nick: Oh, let's see. Oh, which ones do you have?

Leah: I have Christmas stamps all year round. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Of course you do. That is so in brand.

Leah: Although I heard Betty White is getting a stamp.

Nick: Sure. So we may alternate?

Leah: I may alternate between Betty White and Christmas.

Nick: Fair enough. But I think the idea that we as a society have forgotten that when we receive an invitation, we are obligated to respond, and that we don't know that and that we have to be given—we have to be spoon fed, spoon fed! Here comes the airplane of etiquette. We have to be spoon fed a card with an envelope that is already stamped. I mean, should I arrange to just come to your house and pick it up in person? Is that what we need to do?

Leah: I see both sides. [laughs]

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I do not—you have to respond. Obviously, I don't see the side of not responding. I just see how some people are—you got a lot going on, you don't know where stuff is. It's just the envelope makes it so easy.

Nick: Sure. I regret that I'm unable to accept that excuse. [laughs]

Leah: But I mean, I can't wait to start shooting out emails.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: "Leah Bonnema accepts with pleasure."

Nick: Yeah, and think about receiving an email like that. Be like, "Oh, Leah Bonnema is really excited about coming to my event."

Leah: No, I think it would be really fun. I a hundred percent agree. And I love the handwritten note.

Nick: Yeah. So audience, this is your homework this week. Do that. Super fun. Let's make this a trend.

Leah: I hope I get invited to something very casual, and I get to respond that way. Maybe on a text. It would be so funny if somebody was like, "Hey, can you meet me at the show, like, 20 minutes early so we can go over something?" And I'll say, "Leah Bonnema accepts with pleasure ..."

Nick: "Your kind invitation to arrive to the show early on Saturday, the 30th of June." Yeah. Oh, that would be so lovely.

Leah: I actually always, no matter what it is, repeat the date and time because I feel like some people are so sort of casual about what the date and time is that I almost wanna be like, "Do you know what date and time you're inviting me to? Because I just wanna confirm it."

Nick: Oh, that's actually a great final point that it actually is proper etiquette. Emily Post, Judy, they all agree, when you're accepting, you should repeat the date and time. If you're declining, you don't have to repeat, like, the time and the details. Like, just the date is enough. But yeah, no, it's a good idea. Like, "Oh, I'm accepting for this specific thing at this time so that if there's any confusion, it's on you."

Leah: Yes, exactly.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: I did my job. I did my job.

Nick: So it's your fault if something goes wrong. I mean, that's good etiquette.

Leah: I have the screenshot!

Nick: Yeah. Bring receipts. Nothing says good etiquette like having receipts.

Leah: All right, I'm gonna do this homework this week.

Nick: Great!

Leah: "Leah Bonnema accepts with pleasure this homework."

Nick: [laughs] Well done.

Leah: Bam!

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep into the courts.

Nick: Yes. So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about tennis.

Leah: It's so funny because now that you say it out loud, I think you meant attending a tennis event.

Nick: Yes. What did you think?

Leah: Playing tennis.

Nick: Oh, okay. I mean, that's not what I had on my list, but yeah, if anybody was ever wondering whether or not Leah and I, like, rehearse this or script this? Nope. [laughs] We just exchange an email and be like, "What should we do for our deep dive?" And I was like, "How about tennis?" And she was like, "Okay." So I can see how we have some confusion here.

Leah: But I mean, that we do that on purpose to keep it organic.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's why it's fresh! So okay, you will talk about playing tennis and I will talk about watching it. How's that?

Leah: Okay.

Nick: So as a spectator, I think the most important thing is you gotta be quiet. Like, you gotta be quiet while they're playing the tennis. The time for applause is in between the tennis. So you want to make sure your phone is off, you are not talking to people. If you have a camera that makes, like, a loud shutter sound for some reason and have really good seats, like, you just wanna make sure, like, oh, I'm being very quiet. And you want to make sure that the ball is totally dead before you start making noise and applauding, because there are definitely times where, like, oh, I guess that's going out, but then somebody has a great shot at the last minute, which is, like, impossible. And it's like, oh no, the game is still on. Ball is in play. So just make sure like, oh, this is totally over before we start making noise.

Leah: That sounds good to me.

Nick: Right? Yeah. I mean, this is a good rule for everything but, like, definitely during tennis. And then you also want to time your breaks. So if you want to get outta your seat for some reason, you don't wanna do it between points because that can be very quick. And getting up is very distracting for the players and for the people around you. So it is nice to wait until there's, like, a natural break, either like the end of the game or players change sides. Like, you want to pick a moment that, like, makes sense. And up until recently, the US Open actually, I think, didn't let you move until, like, designated times. I think they've relaxed this because they realize how impossible it is to enforce. But until recently it was a rule, like, between points, like, yeah, you gotta stay in your seat.

Leah: Bring a diaper.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, wardrobe, that's next on my list. [laughs] So I think for most places, there's not, like, an official dress code. And I think Wimbledon might be, like, the fanciest. Like, most people, like, wear suits and ties to Wimbledon. And I don't know if it's an official rule but, like, I think it's definitely frowned upon to wear, like, ripped jeans and like, you know, sports shorts. One rule though is that you aren't allowed to wear anything, like, with political slogans, or you're not allowed to wear anything with, like, a big brand that's done in a way, like, where you're trying to get attention if you got on camera. I think they call it, like, ambush marketing. Like, you're not allowed to do that at Wimbledon. I imagine rules are probably similar at the other televised events, but Wimbledon, I think, is maybe more strict about this. So yeah, you want to just sort of dress for the occasion. But I think it's always hot. I think all of the grand slams are always just in the hottest weather. Like, New York, I think it's in August.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Right? It's always sunny. Oh, but hats. Do not wear a big hat. Like, don't block other people. This is not the time for, like, a big sun hat.

Leah: You could wear a visor.

Nick: Yes, something that does not block the view of the people behind you. So visor? That works.

Leah: Really random, but sometimes it's fun to throw in a fun story. So I used to work the US Open.

Nick: Really? Doing what?

Leah: I was in catering, but I got moved to being, like, a car girl, like a sponsor. So I would stand—I would work the booths for Nissan.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And then I would also stand in front of their car and talk about it. And ...

Nick: So you're like on the turntable?

Leah: No, mine I didn't turn. That's so sad. I wish I was. And I would talk about cars, but then also you would, like, do the—the hosting in the booths for ...

Nick: Ah, the VIP experience.

Leah: So I was in the booth and I was, you know, just serving drinks and appetizers. And I had had—I mean, talk about just owning being embarrassed. I had had a cavity filled in college. I just went to, like, sort of like the nearest dentist I could find. And apparently he had done a bad job. And I was talking to, like, one of the highest up people in the company, and my tooth just came out of my mouth.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: And he looks at me and he goes, "Is that your tooth?" [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Where did it go? Did it, like, fall in his drink?

Leah: No, it, like, fell and I actually caught it. I felt it coming and I caught it.

Nick: It just, like, ooched out of your mouth.

Leah: It just ooched out, and the two of us are standing there and he goes—he just goes, "Was that your tooth? Is that your tooth?"

Nick: And you're like, "Yes?"

Leah: I had to be like, "Yup!" And then just sort of be mortified. I mean, what are you gonna say? And then I did, like, a little dance. Yeah! Let me just go do my job.

Nick: Way to save a situation with humor, Leah.

Leah: I mean, just mortifying. So when I think of tennis ...

Nick: You think of your teeth falling out.

Leah: Just one.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Just one.

Nick: So the US Open, yeah, it is fun. I mean, I've been a few times. I like tennis, but I mean, I don't love it enough to, like, get a subscription to the tennis channel, but I enjoy going. It's kind of a fun event.

Leah: I played in high school. I had fun. Casually. Casually. It was a casual—I mean, I was on the tennis doubles team, but nobody thought we were gonna win anything.

Nick: And then the only other thing I had on my list is not etiquette, but it's just there are signature cocktails at each of these events, which I think are just important to know about. So, like, the most famous, I think, is probably the Honey Deuce, which is at the US Open.

Leah: Wow!

Nick: Which is—it's a good name.

Leah: It's a great name.

Nick: It's basically vodka, and there's raspberry liqueur in it, it's lemonade. And then they have honeydew balls, which honeydew is a green melon, and so they put little honeydew balls in it, so it looks like tennis balls. And so that's why it's called the Honey Deuce.

Leah: That's so funny.

Nick: It's a pretty clever cocktail.

Leah: It's very clever. I love it.

Nick: And then also, I think the Pimm's Cup at Wimbledon, I mean, that's very famous. So Pimm's Cup, if you don't know, Pimm's is a very British sort of beverage. Pimm's 1 is based on gin, and it's like gin mixed with botanicals. And so then you add the Pimm's with, like, lemonade and cucumber, citrus, strawberry, mint. And so it's sort of like, I don't know, British sangria?

Leah: Ooh!

Nick: I guess it's very—it is very tasty. So I recommend Pimm's. And then I was looking into the others because I didn't know, like, oh, does the French Open have something? They do. It's called the Ace Royale.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And so of course it has champagne because of course. And then theirs has basil and cucumber.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And some lime. So isn't that interesting? Basil. And then very late to the party, the Australian Open, they are doing a deal with Grey Goose, like starting this year. And so Grey Goose has come in and be like, "We have a new signature cocktail called the Lemon Ace." And so it's obviously Grey Goose vodka with lemonade, and then they're tossing in some passionfruit and mint. So I don't know if that will become a new classic, but that'll certainly be what's on offer. But I feel like they could have done way more creativity with that.

Leah: I don't know, Nick. Send some letters.

Nick: Yeah, I'm gonna send letters to the Australian Open committee being like, "Creativity? Not high enough."

Leah: No, I was gonna say send it to Grey Goose vodka and be like, "Hey, I have some ideas."

Nick: Yeah. Okay, yeah. "Grey Goose? Creativity? Not high enough."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So you, Leah. Now we're playing tennis, and now that I realize you were a high school pro, what should we know etiquette wise?

Leah: So these are the—I'm sure there's way more, but just casually say you want to go to the course and play with a friend.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: I just did this with pickleball. So you rent—obviously, often people rent the court.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And there are other people on the court. And say, your time has, like, come up. Wait until they're finished there in the middle of their—like, don't do it in the middle of them playing. Wait until somebody has the ball.

Nick: Okay. Don't just, like, walk in the middle as, like, the ball is going back and forth.

Leah: Yeah. And be like, "Hey, I had it for three." Like, wait until there's a stopping point. It's polite.

Nick: Sure. Are people just—like just interrupting games?

Leah: Oh, yes.

Nick: Oh, that's rude.

Leah: And then if you're gonna walk behind somebody's court, wait until the ball has stopped.

Nick: Oh, that's courteous. Yeah, yeah.

Leah: And then I think you can also do, like, a "Hey, I'm just gonna walk real quick," so they know so they don't, like, start up and then you're there when they need to back up and swing.

Nick: Oh, that makes sense.

Leah: And then, you know, when you first get to the court, it's customary in my experience, you do a little warming up. You don't just jump right in. You're not like—you don't just serve it to your friend and go, "And you missed." You know what I mean? There's a little ...

Nick: Okay, so we do like a friendly volley.

Leah: A friendly volley. And then also I think it's courteous to accept whatever the line call is. Like, if a friend was like, "That was out," you go, "Okay."

Nick: Yes, for a friendly game. Yeah, let's not be too aggressive.

Leah: We don't want to, like, throw down and be like, "Well, my side—" you know what I mean? Depending on how you play. But I think that's courteous to be—and then I think always nice to just show up with some extra balls.

Nick: Oh, really? Aren't there just like balls everywhere?

Leah: No, usually people bring a Pringles can of their own balls.

Nick: It's BYOB? How do balls work?

Leah: Well, the last places I went, it was BYOB. But then we all—all of the girls I played with, we all brought—in case something happened, there was always extra balls. That way we all had balls. And then we picked up our balls at the end and we left.

Nick: Do I mark my balls with, like, my initials? Am I monogramming my tennis balls?

Leah: I feel like maybe if you have a special relationship with your tennis balls, you can monogram them. Otherwise, you know, you're just grabbing three balls that you think are yours at the end and not making a big ...

Nick: I mean, are there different types of balls? Like, are there different grades of balls? Because I feel like if I was going to be playing tennis, I'd want a good ball.

Leah: I guess I never thought about it this hard because I haven't really been emotionally invested in which balls I brought home. But you could be like, "I'm gonna get—I'll bring my balls. They're orange.

Nick: Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, I feel like ...

Leah: Or you could get blues or purples or greens.

Nick: Yeah. No, I feel like if I was gonna be responsible for bringing balls and I'd paid for them, I mean, I wouldn't want somebody's dead ball that was sort of at the end of its life.

Leah: Actually, now that I have ...

Nick: Right? Mine are springy and mine are full of life, and they're ingénues.

Leah: No, you want your ingénue balls. Now that I think about it, everything that I have has your name on it.

Nick: Oh, in your house?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: That I let you borrow?

Leah: Yeah, that you've let me borrow for five years. So I think, yes, you could just write your name on those balls.

Nick: Okay. Yeah. I mean, I feel like the label maker stickers wouldn't stick, so I would have to come up with some other ...

Leah: No, you would have to marker them in some way.

Nick: No, I need a brand.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: I need a branding iron.

Leah: Yes! That's so you.

Nick: That's—okay. [laughs]

Leah: "Is that mine? Is it—I have a brand. Like cattle, but on balls."

Nick: Total sidebar. Very, very sidebar. There was a thing I looked into some years ago, and I don't know if it's still the case, but in Nebraska, you can register a brand, like a cattle brand, name and shape and design. And there's, like, an official cattle brand registry. And I thought, "Oh, how fun would that be if I could have my own official registered cattle brand?" Because, like, the point of the brand is to, like, know who's cow is whose. And so all the brands have to be different, all the designs. And so I thought, "Oh, wouldn't it be fun if I had my own NL cattle brand?" Not that I'm looking to brand any cattle but, like, I just wanted to have the option.

Leah: I think I would probably give all my cows a necklace, that way I don't have to brand them.

Nick: Ah, okay.

Leah: It seems Intense.

Nick: Yeah. No, something that goes from desk to dinner. Yeah.

Leah: [laughs] "Is that—oh, that's Leah's cow. They have the red necklace.

Nick: So that is tennis. [laughs]

Leah: And I think we covered a lot of aspects of it.

Nick: We really covered a lot. Yeah. So I think we're all ready for tennis. But I think we actually kind of scratched the surface.

Leah: I feel like we scratched the surface. There's so much more. There's so much more.

Nick: This was just a taste of tennis. I think we'll have to do tennis 2.0 at some point, so stay tuned for that.

Leah: I wish we could just add in the sound of a ball hitting a court right there. "Stay tuned for that." Boop!

Nick: Yeah. No, it did need a little punctuation at the end. Yeah, a little splunk.

Leah: That's such a perfect noise. Like, we all know what that is, like the ball hitting the court, the tennis ball?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: It's like a pop, almost.

Nick: Okay, well, maybe if our audience deserves it, if they've done their homework, maybe when I edit this, I will put a tennis ball sound in.

Leah: I want you to put it in right now.

[smack]

Nick: [laughs] You're welcome.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "I am a member of a coworking space in a Midwestern college town. Frequently, people here bring in baked goods. How lovely! But sometimes there are not as many goodies as there are people. Recently, someone brought in several large oatmeal cookies and put them out on a plate on our designated snack table, along with a paring knife, so people could cut themselves a piece of cookie, allowing the goodies to be shared among a larger number of people. When I arrived, there was one whole cookie and one small piece—about 1/16 of a cookie. I felt I might want more than the 1/16, but this raised a question of what was the most polite approach to the situation. Should I take the 1/16 and cut a second small piece off the intact cookie? Or should I cut a larger piece from the intact cookie and leave the small piece for someone for whom it might just be right? Or should I simply be content to savor just the small piece?"

Leah: I feel like this question is hot!

Nick: Yeah, I love it.

Leah: I loved it because it's our letter-writer.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And they're obviously so lovely. It wasn't even on the table to take the whole large cookie. [laughs]

Nick: Oh, interesting! Oh, that didn't cross my mind either.

Leah: They weren't like, "I'm gonna take half, I'm gonna take whole." They weren't like that. They were like, "Could I have a little more than a sixteenth?" Lovely!

Nick: Yeah. Oh, that's a great observation. Yeah, that's true, because I think a lot of people, I'm just gonna take a cookie.

Leah: You know, there's people out there just taking the cookie.

Nick: There is people out there just taking cookies.,They're just cookie takers.

Leah: Cookie takers.

Nick: One hundred percent of the cookie.

Leah: Mmm!

Nick: Mine.

Leah: I feel like Nick is gonna have a lot of feelings about this one.

Nick: Oh, I have a lot of feelings. Yeah. You don't?

Leah: No, I kind of could be swayed one of two ways for this.

Nick: All right, well let me walk you through my thinking and then we'll see where you're at.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: So for me, I don't want to walk up to this designated snack area and see two cookies that have been manhandled.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I don't want two sullied cookies. Because if you leave the 1/sixteenth there and then start in on the second cookie, now both of them have been touched and I don't want to live in that world. And I would also think that there was something wrong with the 1/sixteenth piece because otherwise, why did we go into the other cookie? Why are we leaving that piece behind? I would now be suspicious about that piece.

Leah: I agree with that feeling. I would want that sixteenth, I think you should pull the 1/sixteenth.

Nick: Right?

Leah: Also, you don't want to hurt that cookie's feelings. That cookie is like, "What was wrong with me?"

Nick: Yeah. Yeah. No, exactly. Yeah. Great point, Leah. Yes. You do not want to hurt the piece of cookie's feelings.

Leah: That's what I'm here for.

Nick: Although we should really pair the piece of cookie up with the milk.

Leah: The milk. That's what I was just thinking.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: The milk has been left in the front.

Nick: So I would definitely go to the small piece first. And then I would claim that, and then we would move on to the large cookie. Because I think in general, we never want more than one object to be touched at any time. Like a breakfast buffet of bagels? Like, I don't want all the bagels cut in half, or some people taking some tops and leaving some bottoms. Like, I don't want that. Like, there should only be one bagel. Like, if you only wanted half a bagel, like, only one bagel should be subject to that at any given time. All the other bagels should be whole. If you just want a muffin top, you don't just, like, take all the muffin tops. Like, there can't just be muffin bottoms left.

Leah: I was gonna say that's what the problem is with the bagels: Everybody wants the top.

Nick: That's true. That may be the wrong analogy here.

Leah: Because people want the most—whatever the decor is.

Nick: Right. Yeah, we're gonna have to put a pin in that, then. But for a cookie, that's a homogeneous item.

Leah: Although I guess maybe some people just really like bready, and they just want the bottom because it's usually a little bigger and a little more bready.

Nick: There is nobody out there that prefers the bagel bottom.

Leah: I bet there's at least one person.

Nick: All right. Audience, if you are that one person, let us know. If you're like, "Oh, bagel tops? Boo! Bagel bottoms? My preference."

Leah: I mean, there has to be one person.

Nick: Okay, how about muffin bottoms? Is there that person?

Leah: I don't—I can't ...

Nick: That feels unusual.

Leah: That feels so unusual. I mean, the bagel bottom, I was already stepping outside of my comfort zone, but the muffin bottom? I mean ...

Nick: What?

Leah: I mean, let us know.

Nick: I mean, there actually is a bakery that I like going to because they just sell muffin tops. They don't even bother selling you the bottom part.

Leah: That's what we came for!

Nick: Yeah. Give us what we want. Give the people what they want. Yes. So for this, I think we eat the sixteenth first, and then if that's not enough for you, then we can move on to the cookie. How are you feeling about this?

Leah: I love it. I love it.

Nick: Okay. Any other options here? No.

Leah: My only other option, and this was not the way I was leaning, but it was like a little—it was a—the door was a little bit open. My immediate thought is what you're saying, you take the sixteenth, and then if you want a little more, you cut it. But then my last thought was—and then I think I landed on no for it, but I could have—if we cut our piece of the cookie, are we cutting the whole cookie?

Nick: What does that mean?

Leah: Like, do we slice the cookies so everybody has a slice, or do we just pull our slice?

Nick: Oh, so are we leaving it like a Pac-Man?

Leah: Are we leaving it like a Pac-Man or are we pizza pieing?

Nick: Oh, isn't that a good question? Um, okay, let's talk about it. So I mean, I guess, do we want the fiction that this cookie has not been touched? Although, if you just took a Pac-Man slice out of it like it was like a chocolate cake, that feels somewhat more aggressive, because that's like, I took a bite out of the cookie. Whereas if I actually just slice up the cookie for everybody, that would feel more sanitary.

Leah: It does sort of feel like that could be nice. There's something nice about it.

Nick: Right? Because if I just took one slice, that feels like an individual did this for themselves. And did they wash their hands? What was that about? But if I did the whole cookie, that feels like, oh, this act was from the host, and so therefore it's more hygienic and it was divvied in advance, like in the kitchen before it was brought out. So there's a little more of a fiction about, like, oh, every one of these pieces is fresh and fine.

Leah: I just don't know if I'm overstepping since it wasn't my cookie to cut.

Nick: Oh! It's not your place. Well, I think if nobody saw you do it, and then it's just now a cut cookie, but then are you dictating the amount of cookie other people are allowed to have?

Leah: Yes, that's what—this is why we're in muddy waters. Also, I'm a firm believer of if I'm gonna do something, it has to be something that people can see. If I don't want people to see it, then I shouldn't be doing it.

Nick: Oh yeah, that's a good point. For morality, yes. If you would be ashamed to have people see you do it, then should you be doing it?

Leah: No!

Nick: But I mean, you would still eat stuff out of the garbage.

Leah: Yeah, but I talk about it openly.

Nick: [laughs] Okay, that's a loophole.

Leah: It's my garbage. It's my garbage.

Nick: Okay, that's true. So okay, yeah, should you cut the cookie? I am gonna say, I'm gonna cut half the cookie. How much a cookie do I want? I've had the sixteenth, how much more do I want? Another sixteenth, so it becomes an eighth of cookie?

Leah: It just feels so weird to have a sixteenth of a cookie missing from a cookie. But I guess that we're trying to get as many people to have the cookie as we want.

Nick: Right. I mean, what we really should be doing is bringing more cookies. So whoever's bringing these oatmeal cookies needs to bring more cookies.

Leah: Put it on the list, Nick. First, email the Grey Goose people, and then email the people at the working space who are donating cookies.

Nick: I think here's a compromise: We have a cookie. I want another sixteenth out of it. I'm gonna cut the cookie in half, so we have a full half unsullied. And then I'm going to cut the remaining half—now we have quarters. And then I'm going to cut the quarter into eighth, and I think I'm just gonna take an eighth.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: I feel like an eighth is the smallest unit of cookie I'm interested in.

Leah: Yeah, once we get down to the sixteenth ...

Nick: Sixteenth is too small. I think maybe that's the flaw. Also, who is satisfied with a sixteenth of a cookie? I mean, what is that?

Leah: Yeah, let's bump it up to eighth.

Nick: Yeah. So I think okay, we're gonna go to an eighth. And I feel like if I walked up to this and I saw a half a cookie untouched, a quarter of a cookie, and I saw an eighth of a cookie, I would feel okay about this situation.

Leah: I also feel like I would get what's happening. Oh, we're cutting off pieces. Here's the part that's been cut.

Nick: Right.

Leah: They didn't touch this other part. Now I'm taking the remaining eight.

Nick: Yes. And it would also be my signal that, like, the eighth is the right unit.

Leah: Yeah, I feel good about this.

Nick: Okay. All right. That's where we're landing, people.

Leah: Whoo!

Nick: So ...

Leah: I mean, it's a whole different story if it's a chocolate chip cookie, because then I'm taking a quarter. No, I'm kidding. I'm just saying. No shade to oatmeal.

Nick: There's a place in the world for oatmeal, but it is different.

Leah: And it's breakfast. That's where it is.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. So our next question is quote, "So I'm not sure how to feel about or address this situation. My boyfriend of almost two years has four season tickets to our local NHL hockey team, so we very frequently go to the games and are always downtown. He has a friend who lives downtown and is often the person we text when we have an extra ticket, and this guy is always at the games for free, and hanging out with us. He is someone I would consider my friend as well as my boyfriend's friend, but frequently, when he arrives at games, he only brings a drink for my boyfriend. I personally cannot imagine only bringing a drink or snack to just one friend because I know that person's partner is also there. Should I let it go? Because technically yes, the ticket is my boyfriend's and not mine. Or do I have the right to be irritated at this situation? How should I address this situation—if at all—in the future?"

Leah: Real quick, I want to say I've had some lovely oatmeal cookies.

Nick: No, oatmeal is great.

Leah: They just feel healthy.

Nick: Yeah, that is, I think, one of the interesting things about the oatmeal: They are deceitful.

Leah: [laughs] Yeah.

Nick: They are a deceitful item.

Leah: It's an interesting thing to have something that we know is very sweet with something that feels healthy. You have to be—it's a particular time.

Nick: I think an oatmeal cookie that has chocolate chips? Now we're talking.

Leah: Now we're talking. I'll tell you what upsets me is an oatmeal cookie with raisin. And I love raisins. I don't want people to get mad. But when I see—oh, because you—at first glance, you think it's chocolate chips.

Nick: Yeah, so it's like double deception.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: How do you feel about, like, a cranberry?

Leah: The thing is is that I'm not confusing the cranberry with anything else. I look at it, I think "That's cranberry."

Nick: Cranberry, got it. Okay. So you would be okay with an oatmeal cookie with golden raisins?

Leah: Yeah, because I would just be flagged to know stay away from that, that's a golden raisin.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Well, I'm glad that the oatmeal cookie lobby will no longer be sending you nasty letters.

Leah: I know that I'm going to get emails about this. I just want to make it clear that I like oatmeal cookies, I just find them confusing. I've had delicious ones. And I do tend to get upset when they have raisins because I think I have been ...

Nick: Misled.

Leah: I've been misled. There's the word.

Nick: You've been tricked.

Leah: I've been tricked. into getting something that has high sugar, but a vitamin. And I didn't come here for vitamins.

Nick: Yeah, I don't need resveratrol right now.

Leah: [laughs] That is not why I came to this party.

Nick: No, I'm really excited for the amount of oatmeal cookie content that's now gonna be in your DMs.

Leah: I know, people get really mad at me when I have opinions about cookies. And I understand, but I do—I actually wrote a whole script about it. I have a whole thing about it.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I get really upset about it.

Nick: All right. Well audience, if you want to option Leah's pilot about cookies, we'll put you in touch. So what do we do? We have a friend who's getting a free ticket to the game and is bringing beverages, but only for the boyfriend, not for our letter-writer.

Leah: The line I underlined is, "Or do I have the right to be irritated in this situation?" Yes!

Nick: Yes.

Leah: It's so rude. It's rude!

Nick: Yeah. No, it's super rude. It's rude because it violates the rule about bringing enough to share with everybody. It doesn't matter who those people are or, like, who paid for what or what it is. It's just oh, I'm bringing something to this party. And so you should bring enough to share.

Leah: It's very weird, to be totally honest.

Nick: It is weird, because also, like, are we tailgating? Are we allowing outside beverages at this game? Like, what is this beverage? Am I bringing a can of beer? Like, what is actually happening?

Leah: I think we have to assume that they allow outside beverages, and people are just showing up and he's like, "Hey, I brought your boyfriend and I a beer."

Nick: Right. Yeah.

Leah: "Maybe you could brew your own."

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's weird. It's weird. Also, this keeps happening.

Leah: This keeps happening.

Nick: Which is like, "Oh, I don't have to do anything for you. You don't exist." That's why I think this really hits a nerve, because it's like, "Oh, you don't count. You don't exist."

Leah: I don't like it one bit.

Nick: Yeah, so what do we do about it? I mean, obviously we could just be irritated.

Leah: I would like that my boyfriend also didn't like it. I would like my boyfriend to be like, "Hey, this is rude."

Nick: Yes, it would be nice if he recognized that this was rude. So what do we do then? What should we do?

Leah: I think that I would start by having a conversation with my boyfriend and being like, "Hey, it bothers me that Chad only ever brings you a drink. And it's like I'm—it makes me feel like I'm not there."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: "Don't you think it's weird?"

Nick: Yeah, I think that's the conversation. That's the conversation. Like, "Oh, don't you think this is odd that he only ever brings you a beverage? Does he not think I like hydration?"

Leah: And then I would move on from there.

Nick: Yeah, I think see what the response is to that. And ideally, the response is, "Oh, I never noticed. Oh, you're so right. That is weird. I'll mention it." Because, like, we want Chad to not keep doing this.

Leah: No, we want Chad to not keep doing this.

Nick: Or if Chad keeps doing it, then I want the boyfriend to be like, "Oh, let me get a cup so I can share with you."

Leah: Yes, "Let me get a cup so I can share."

Nick: That would be the move. And then Chad would see that and be like, "Oh, our letter-writer enjoys beverages too. I had no idea."

Leah: It would be so hard for me to be like, "Oh, you know women, we just like to be silent and not imbibe or eat anything. I'll just sit here quietly."

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: You know what I mean? It would be hard to not be snick—you know, I'm not gonna be snarky, but I would wanna be snarky!

Nick: Yeah. I mean, there could definitely be a little of that flavor happening here for Chad.

Leah: Just because it would hurt my feelings.

Nick: Yeah. No, I don't care for this at all. So yeah, I think a private conversation. And then I think based on that conversation, I think you'll have some ideas about how to proceed.

Leah: It's possible that she's already had a conversation with her boyfriend, and he's like, "This is weird."

Nick: And then that's the end of it?

Leah: Then I guess the conversation is, "Well, one of the two of us has to do something, because it's continuing ..."

Nick: Yeah. "So we need to break up."

Leah: "It's continuing to hurt my feelings."

Nick: Yes.

Leah:" So let's figure out how to handle this. Do you want me to say something or do you want to share a cup with me and maybe get the—get the message across?"

Nick: Yeah. No, I think that's—I think that's the plan. So you out there, do you have any questions for us about anything at all? Let us know! You can let us know through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: I'm gonna vent, Nick.

Nick: Okay! Bring it.

Leah: And you know when you're in those moments where you're like, "I wish I had a pen so I could write down the exact wording of what this person said to me?"

Nick: Oh!

Leah: Because it was the word choice that was so unbelievable. But then by the time I got to a pen, it was just the emotion of it that lingered. So I'm at a—I was socializing.

Nick: Okay, congratulations.

Leah: And it was like a LA film/TV/media event.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So people are—there's hors d'oeuvres being passed. Lots of hors d'oeuvres. There's, like, fun hors d'oeuvres, and everybody's, like, sitting in groups. I was with my friend, but then we were with a bunch of other people we didn't know. Everybody's just sitting down and chatting with each other. That's the whole thing. People are meeting and greeting, talking, getting to know each other. So somebody passing—and you know, it was fun because it was, like, fancy, but then they were passing around packets of fries.

Nick: Oh, fun!

Leah: So fun. And then with this dip, that was like a really fun dip.

Nick: Like an aioli?

Leah: It was an aioli, but it was ...

Nick: More fun.

Leah: It was even—I love an aioli, but it was next level. It was a—it was like something that was like a special ...

Nick: Okay, a signature dip.

Leah: It was like a signature dip.

Nick: All right.

Leah: So my friend is talking to the person to her left. And then there's a lady who sits down to my right, and she's with her partner and he's basically says—not that this is important, I just want you to get the visual. He's like, "Do you want anything from the bar?" So he leaves to get her something. And then so she's just sitting there, and she makes eye contact with me in this way that feels like she wants to talk. She's not ignoring—you know, we're sitting directly next to each other. So she had just grabbed the fries. I was in the fries; I had my own fries. So I said, "These fries are so good!" Or I said, "Lovely event. These fries are so fun." Or something complimentary about the fries.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: To her.

Nick: Very innocuous remark about the fries.

Leah: So innocuous. And she says, "Very good." And then I said, "And this dip!" You know, just being enthusiastic Leah. And then with this face that suggested that I was a barn animal—and I mean not even trying to hold it back, it was dripping from her face ...

Nick: Okay.

Leah: She said, "I think that fries are already enough on their own." And I'm missing a word in there that somehow also it was like—I don't think she said, "I think." She just wanted to let me know that I was disgusting for dipping fries into something.

Nick: Wow! So it was like the contempt that she had.

Leah: Yeah, the contempt and disgust for me.

Nick: Like, "These fries are enough. You are feral."

Leah: Feral. Yes, for being a dipper.

Nick: For thinking that these fries require the provided dip.

Leah: It wasn't these fries. It was fries, all fries in general.

Nick: Oh! Le monde du frites.

Leah: Yeah, like you've already gone far into having fries, and the fact that you would take a step further into a dip is disgusting. That was the ...

Nick: "It disgusts me."

Leah: And I sort of blacked out, which is why I can't remember the exact wordage, but that was the ...

Nick: That's wild!

Leah: I mean, just the hatred she had. I literally was like—you know, normally how you try to back out of a conversation?

Nick: There's no backing out.

Leah: There's no backing out. I just turned back around. I was like, "Okay." I go, "Okay. I am tapping out of whatever just happened." It was—I don't even know what was going on. I—I—"All right!"

Nick: I mean, she has some demons.

Leah: She has so many demons. I—you know, I think I, like, almost laughed a little bit because I was so taken aback that she would have so much, I mean, just repulsion at me for, like, a fry dip, like the animal I have become or born, she just couldn't, sit next to.

Nick: I mean, to have so much disgust for dipping fries in sauce that's provided to you at this party?

Leah: It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable.

Nick: I guess, what is this really about?

Leah: What is—I wanted to be like, "What is going on?"

Nick: "Yeah, tell me more!"

Leah: "Please let me—" how funny would that be if I leaned in and I go, "Please tell me more about this."

Nick: Yeah. Wow! I mean, incredible. Incredible.

Leah: [laughs] I wish there was a video of me hearing it, feeling it, and then just being like, "I'm out. I can't—I'm not coming back from that."

Nick: Amazing. Well for me, I would like to vent. And this is a quickie. So it's basically just that when I returned your phone call—you've called me, you left me a voicemail ...

Leah: Me?

Nick: No, no. In general.

Leah: Okay. Phew!

Nick: This is not about you.

Leah: No, but you looked at me when you said, "I returned your phone call."

Nick: You the—you the people of the world.

Leah: Oh, thank goodness. Normally I don't think it's about me, but it was the way you made eye contact.

Nick: [laughs] Yes, it was sort of a french fry dipping kind of comment.

Leah: It really was. It hurt!

Nick: No. For everybody else, you've left me a voicemail. I'm returning your phone call. Do not recap the voicemail at the top of our call. Don't do it. I have listened to your voicemail. What happens is, "Hi, this is Nick." "Oh, hi Nick. So I'm calling because XYZ, and I'm going into this long explanation about what I need for you or what my question is or blah, blah, blah." It's like, "No, no, no. I got all that. I listened to your voicemail. You are now wasting my time. Please just let me talk because I know what you want from me, so let me just answer the question." I find it so maddening. So maddening, because it never fails. It's like, well, why did you just, like, leave me all this detail in the voicemail if you're just gonna go through it again and waste my time twice?

Leah: [laughs] This is literally the most Nick—the most Nick vent.

Nick: Do you not experience this?

Leah: I think if I experience—I assume that what happened was that people are used to dealing with people who aren't listening to the voicemail.

Nick: Well, that I think is part two of this. Yes. I think there are people—I think everybody now, nobody's listening to the voicemail and they're just like, "Oh, I saw you called." And when people call me back and they're like, "Oh, I saw you called," and I know they haven't listened to my voicemail, they're like, "Okay, so let me know then." And I ask a question, which is like, "Oh. Well, clearly you listened to my voicemail before calling me back, wasting my time." And they're like, "Oh, I didn't listen to your voicemail." And I go, "Oh."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And they expect me to now fill them in. And it's sort of like, "Oh, I'm not gonna let you off that easy. No, I'm gonna make you admit that you should have listened to the voicemail before you called me. Yeah, I'm petty."

Leah: I would watch this on television. I love it.

Nick: [laughs] Just Nick returning phone calls? Yeah, that's 22 minutes. I would definitely watch that for 22 minutes. Yeah. Yeah, so I mean, I'm always polite about it, but I do find it maddening that, like, just listen to my voicemail. I'm very succinct. Very succinct. I don't even leave my phone number anymore twice. I've broken out of that habit. Do you still do that when you leave a voicemail?

Leah: It's hard not to. And I catch myself. I'll be like, they don't even need my phone number once, but I'm gonna leave it once for sure.

Nick: Always leave it once because I have caller ID turned off, so I know you don't have my phone number. But yeah, I won't leave it twice anymore. I've learned. I've learned. But just listen to a voicemail before you return someone's call, and then don't recap the entire voicemail in that phone call. Let's just move the ball forward with the conversation.

Leah: Let's move the ball forward. Nick doesn't wanna hear it twice.

Nick: Don't wanna hear it twice. No, time is money, and I'm expensive. [laughs]

Leah: And right there, I'd like a sound effect of a phone hanging up.

Nick: Oh, phone hanging up? Or a cash register? Or Scrooge McDuck swimming in a pile of coins?

Leah: I mean, there's so many—once we start adding, there's so many choices.

Nick: I will allow this episode to have sound effects, but that's it then. This is a one-off.

Leah: This is a one-off.

Nick: This is it. This is not a new thing we're doing.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: Because, you know, we have to, like, license and pay for sound effects.

Leah: No, we don't. We can just use it and not tell anybody. Just hang up your own phone.

Nick: No! Stealing is rude, and we license and pay for all of the music and sound effects in our show.

Leah: I'm not saying we would steal it. I'm saying we would make our own. I would just hit a ball.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: And the other one is that you just hang up a phone.

Nick: Do you have a phone to hang up in your house?

Leah: We—I do actually.

Nick: Do you really?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: That will, like, make a ringer-y sort of vibration sound?

Leah: Let me see if it makes a good sound. I have a—I have a plug-in phone, like, one that is attached to a wall and a curly. I couldn't help myself.

Nick: Okay. It's gonna make a weird, like, plastic thunk sound.

Leah: It is gonna make a—that's not going to work.

Nick: No. Okay. So point being we'll add some sound effects in this episode, but listeners? Don't get spoiled.

Leah: [laughs] Listeners and Leah don't get spoiled.

Nick: Exactly.

[phone slams]

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: Well, I learned that I'm going to accept all invitations—including email and text—with pleasure. In third—in third person.

Nick: All of those kind invitations. And I learned that you are a tennis pro.

Leah: I feel like "pro" is a real ...

Nick: Little strong?

Leah: You know, I like to try to be positive but, you know, we don't want to mislead people.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: One has played tennis.

Nick: Ah, okay. You are somebody who has played tennis.

Leah: [laughs] Casually.

Nick: Okay. Well, I learned that today. And thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, I don't know, is anybody doing the homework? Am I just screaming into the void?

Leah: Nick, you already gave them homework with the ...

Nick: No, there is homework every week.

Leah: Yeah, but you gave them the homework with the "with pleasure."They're supposed to do a ...

Nick: Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. So yes, that is your homework. You have to start replying to invitations "with pleasure."

Leah: I love how you tried to double up on homework and I had to step in.

Nick: No, that's true. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's good cop/bad cop over here.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So Leah is good cop. So please do all your homework, and we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah, it's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: I would like to send a cordials of kindness out to anybody who brings baked goods to offices to share.

Nick: Oh! Okay.

Leah: Even if they're oatmeal raisin. I think it's lovely. I love the gesture. And over my lifetime, I have enjoyed many lovely desserts and snacks that people have brought in to share. And I look forward to many more. And I appreciate it.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. And for me, I wanna say thank you to William Hanson, one of the UK's most trusted etiquette authorities. He just had a new book released in the United States, and he invited me to do, like, the author lecture for him. So I got to interview him on stage at the Strand Bookstore in New York. And it was very fun! We had to sort of lead a talk at a bookstore, which I'd never done. So I appreciate William trusting me to do that. And I had a great time. So thanks.

Leah: That's so cool.

Nick: Very fun!