Rescuing Lost Chips, Taking Over Parties, Correcting People's Pronunciation, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is quote, "What do you do if you're sharing dip or salsa with friends and your chip breaks... leave it there or try to fish it out?"

Leah: It's a great question.

Nick: Great question. Happens to all of us.

Leah: Happened to me this weekend.

Nick: Okay. So let's talk about it.

Leah: I'll tell you what I did.

Nick: Okay. We'll see if that was correct.

Leah: I went in with a lifeguard chip.

Nick: Okay. We went with the lifeguard chip.

Leah: Because it was... it broke really small. If I was gonna go in to get it, I would have to touch dip with fingers, which felt inappropriate.

Nick: Correct.

Leah: So I sent in another chip to do the job.

Nick: Yeah. I think the general idea here is that we do not want to sully the dip or the salsa. We need to maintain and respect the sanctity of the salsa, and so we cannot touch it with our fingers. We need to make sure that we're not double dipping. Like, that rescue chip cannot be a bitten chip. It has to be a new chip.

Leah: This is a fresh chip.

Nick: Yeah. It has to be fresh to the scene. I do think, though, it matters how much of the chip is below the surface. You know, is it sinking? Is it going down?

Leah: This one is very buoyant.

Nick: Very buoyant. Okay. And how big was this chip in comparison to the rescue chip?

Leah: It was much smaller than the rescue chip.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: It's still visible, though. It didn't go all the way down under.

Nick: Because I think that's a consideration. I think if it has fully gurgled to the bottom.

Leah: Fully submerged.

Nick: You know, cement shoes in the East River. I think if that's what has happened, I think we might leave it. Right? Maybe we abandon it?

Leah: Well, because we don't want to have to get, like, wrist deep in there.

Nick: Right. I think if the move is you can get a rescue chip and scoop under it the way you would have anyway to get a bit of salsa on the chip, then I think it's fine because you're just, like, catching the wayward chip along with the salsa you would have gotten anyway. And so that seems pretty slick.

Leah: Seems pretty slick indeed.

Nick: But what about a spoon? Would we use a spoon? How do you feel about bringing in a utensil here?

Leah: I'm not gonna bring in any utensils. Chips and dip. My utensil is the chip.

Nick: True. Okay. And it does feel like, depending on what size the shard is, a spoon may not be the right tool for that.

Leah: Well, we always say something comes out of the mouth the way it goes in. I'm doing the same thing with the dip.

Nick: Oh! Oh! Ooh, the student becomes the master.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Mmm! I mean, is that the way it went in? I guess, yeah. That's true. Okay. Yeah, we use a chip with our fingers to get in there, so we should use a chip with our fingers to get it out. Okay. I mean, by that logic, you are not wrong.

Leah: I'm just following your lead, Nick.

Nick: It feels like chopsticks could work. Although, do I really want to look over and see guests with a pair of chopsticks fishing around the salsa?

Leah: Do you? No, you don't.

Nick: I don't want that. No.

Leah: You don't want it.

Nick: And would I want them using, like, carrot sticks as chopsticks?

Leah: No. It's also just drawing more attention. It's just so cazh to dip another chip in.

Nick: Yeah. I think if you can do it and make it casual, and if you can do it in one fell swoop. It just has to be you're in, you're out. We can't be fishing around. We can't be hunting. We have to be able to be stealth with it. And if you can do that, then yeah, I guess that's allowed.

Leah: I'm getting that chip.

Nick: But we can't make a big deal about it. Gotta be real cool about it.

Leah: You can make a big deal about it in your head, but your face can't read it. You gotta get that chip. It's a mission.

Nick: That's right. It's an undercover mission.

Leah: It's an undercover save-the-chip mission.

Nick: And yeah, you don't want to let anybody know that you're on a mission. You're... it's clandestine.

Leah: It's a clandestine mission. Yes.

Nick: Okay. Well, all right. That is the rule for chips.

Leah: You've lost a man, you're bringing him back out.

Nick: Yeah, we don't leave anybody behind.

Leah: For chip. We're going back in for chip.

Nick: That's what we would want them to do for us.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: So our next question is quote, "A friend of mine was visiting from abroad, and I offered to host a coffee and dessert party for her so she could see a lot of her old friends. The party was going to be outside in my garden, but the night before, the forecast showed an unseasonably high temperature. The next morning, a friend called me, telling me about an alternative location for the party, and offered that she could talk to another friend and handle the changes, to which I declined. When I got home from shopping for the event, I saw that she had posted in the group chat a question about moving to this other location. It was timestamped before our conversation, so I assumed she likely called me because I had not responded in the group, rather than going over my head when I declined.

Nick: I know she meant well, but as the host, I was really disappointed that my party was being hijacked. On the initial phone call, I told her that my husband and I had already discussed indoor options in our building. Also, I left a voice message in the group chat upon seeing her post saying, 'Please politely allow my husband and I some patience to solve the heat problem since we are hosting the party. I will update the group as soon as we have a plan in place.' That felt awkward, like I was calling out an etiquette faux pas in a group setting, but it seemed the best option for not creating confusion about the plans. I was disappointed that there wasn't regard for the fact that I was the one to make and send invitations and buy party supplies, et cetera, and then it wasn't clear that I was hosting a party. This wasn't just a spontaneous group hangout where anyone could chime in. We are outside the United States, but this was a fellow American. How would you have handled this? Did I do well to communicate as I did?"

Leah: This would really irritate me.

Nick: Yeah. You were the host. Somebody tried to hijack your event.

Leah: Do you think that the friend who tried to hijack it is the friend that they're throwing a party for?

Nick: No. My sense is that we have a friend coming in from out of town. I'm throwing you a party so you can see a bunch of your old friends. There's a group chat where we're coordinating with all your old friends, and this is an old friend who's meddling.

Leah: That's what I also got, which is significantly more irritating.

Nick: For sure. And the timestamps? I don't know if that makes it better. In fact, it doesn't.

Leah: Well, one is going over your head, one is just not asking you at all.

Nick: Yeah, I don't like either one of those.

Leah: I don't know how else you could have handled it. I mean, I think... I mean, you said you're... because you don't want to have everybody chiming in, saying different locations. You want to put an end to it and be like, "We've got it figured out. Don't worry about it."

Nick: Yeah, I do think if we were going to nitpick with our letter-writer, I think we could have done something slightly more softer than this voice memo that was left in the group chat. It was quote, "Please politely allow my husband and I some patience to solve the heat problem." And I think the words "politely" and "patience?" A little aggressive. Those words catch my ear. "Please politely allow us some time." I mean, do we have to ask for politeness? Because that means that there was not politeness here... which there was not, but I'm calling it out. It's just something to note. And then the idea of, like, "Oh, can we have some patience, please? Can we have some patience? We're working on it." That also says, "Oh, you clearly do not have patience, so can we have some?" So you are calling out this bad behavior, and you're doing it in a very nice way, but I think you could have gotten your point across without these words.

Leah: Also, at the same time, we have told people that we are not responsible for making people who have made us uncomfortable feel comfortable.

Nick: Fair. That is true. Wow, Leah's really turning it all around today!

Leah: I'm hungry.

Nick: [laughs] You're hungry for etiquette vengeance. I gotcha. Yeah. No, that's true. Yeah, we are not obligated to make Lisa feel good about this. Yeah. I guess you could have said, like, "Oh, Lisa jumped the gun here. We're working on the heat issue. We'll update you soon."

Leah: "Lisa jumped the gun" also is being, like... calling out her behavior.

Nick: It is, but somehow ...

Leah: Well, it's a more casual call out.

Nick: It's a more casual call out. Right.

Leah: Still a call out.

Nick: It's still a call out. Yeah, I don't mind calling Lisa out. Yeah, that's true. I guess the way they phrased it was fine.

Leah: She did overstep. And you have been working on this. You've bought things, you've organized. You know, now that she's just gonna move it. It wasn't even her idea.

Nick: Well, you are officially the host.

Leah: You're the host.

Nick: You have issued the invitations. You have selected the venue. You have done all the host things. And one of the privileges of being a host is that you are the host and you get to pick where the party is happening.

Leah: I mean, I guess you could leave a voice memo saying, "Hey, I actually talked to Lisa on the phone, and I said, we've got it under control. No worries. Let me keep you posted on where in our building it's gonna be."

Nick: Oh, that would work. Oh, that's true. Yeah, "We talked to Lisa. Everything's cool with Lisa. Just an update for the rest of everybody." Although I would have liked Lisa, after my phone call, to have then jumped in the group text and settled this herself.

Leah: Well, that's what I'm saying. Lisa needs a little... Lisa needs a little keep it in line, because she obviously didn't fix it.

Nick: She didn't fix it. That's true. I guess that... I'm bothered by that.

Leah: She didn't fix it because our letter-writer had to go in because they're obviously still going back and forth with ideas because Lisa, who started this nonsense, has not in any way been like, "Oh, this has been handled."

Nick: Yeah, that's what should have happened. Yeah. And I guess why it feels rude, among the many reasons it feels rude, is that it makes me feel, as the host, that you don't trust my judgment or my abilities as a host, that you don't believe that I can throw a party that people will enjoy, and that you need to help me in order for us to have a good time. That I cannot be trusted.

Leah: Well, it would just hurt my feelings because I'm like, "Hey, I'm doing this. I put thought into it. I've set it up, I've planned it out. Now you're just gonna come in and do whatever you want. What's going on?"

Nick: "And I'm on it. I'm on the case. And I'm actively on the case. I'm not not on the case."

Leah: I don't like this Lisa one bit.

Nick: [laughs] No. So sorry this happened, but I believe that you will be hosting a lovely event wherever it is. So hopefully Lisa can see that you are a good host, and won't bother you about something like this in the future.

Leah: My guess is that she does this stuff all the time. How annoying.

Nick: Yeah, yeah. No, this is her deal.

Leah: But I hope your friend coming into town had a wonderful time, and that you had a wonderful time, and that you felt appreciated and people let you know how much they appreciate you hosting.

Nick: Do you think Lisa sent a follow up text message the next day after the party saying, thank you?

Leah: I don't know what Lisa did.

Nick: Lisa did not send the thank-you text. Are you crazy? Of course she didn't.

Leah: Sometimes people do like to cover their ...

Nick: That's true.

Leah: ... their poo poo stink up with a little fake cologne.

Nick: I mean, I'll take that fake cologne, then.

Leah: "Thanks so much!"

Nick: "It was lovely."

Leah: And then they'll say something that's kind of like... feels like a dig. "Thanks so much for working with what you had to work with." You know what I mean? And you're like, "What? What just happened?"

Nick: "Thanks so much. You really did the best you could."

Leah: [laughs] I just got one of those this weekend and, like, 10 minutes later I was like, "Wait, what?"

Nick: What? Oh.

Leah: Oh.

Nick: Oh, that was mean!

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is quote, "There's a couple that we know from our son's sports team. Last year we heard that they had separated, but they never spoke of it or indicated that anything was amiss. They are super nice people, and I honestly hoped their separation was temporary. However, there have been social media posts that make it obvious that they are not together anymore. While I don't want to be nosy, I'm wondering how to handle seeing them this season. Is it appropriate to not even acknowledge something as significant as the divorce? Or do I express concern? Ask how they're doing as if I know? Particularly towards the person who did not make the social media posts. We're not close enough to share details, but we've known each other for several years. I just don't want to not express concern for a person's well being, but I also don't want to appear gossipy."

Leah: My initial instinct would be to not bring it up unless it was brought up to me because we're not close.

Nick: Yeah, the "not close" is the key detail here. Yes. We're acquaintances, we're social, we see you at the park when a game is happening. But yes, we... we are not close enough to be digging into your personal life like this.

Leah: I understand they don't want to dig, they just want to express, "Oh, I wanted to make sure you're okay." As one does want to, but I feel like people will let us know when they're ready to share something.

Nick: Yeah, I would say follow their lead.

Leah: Follow their lead.

Nick: And greet them warmly and, like, normally. And don't ask leading questions like, "How are you doing? You doing okay? How you holding up?"

Leah: And I would not give the same advice if you were close friends.

Nick: Yes, close friends is definitely different. I mean, I think you would still kind of want to follow their lead, but I don't think we'd totally pretend that this thing is not happening in their lives.

Leah: Yeah, I recently had this happen with close friends, and they weren't saying it, but I knew... I could tell something was very different. So when I was alone with one of them, I said, "I feel like something has changed." Those weren't the exact words I used. "You know, let me know if you want to talk about it." Boom.

Nick: Okay. And it's not like you had seen something on social media and you knew it.

Leah: I said I wasn't seeing anything on social media.

Nick: Okay. So you felt something was off but weren't sure what it was.

Leah: Yes. And I... if things felt weird, you know what I mean? So I just wanted to let them know I'm available.

Nick: That's very nice.

Leah: And that I noticed their life, you know?

Nick: Right. But yeah, for these people, yeah, I think we just don't bring it up. And I think if we're talking about respect, I think it actually would be more respectful to just treat them normally than, like, tiptoe around them.

Leah: Yeah. Because a lot of people, I think, probably don't want to talk about it.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, for sure. Or don't want to talk about it to somebody that's not close.

Leah: Or they don't want to talk about it when they're out at an event. You know, this is their kid's sports.

Nick: Right. Yeah. So I think, yeah, "Nice to see you. How you doing? Team's doing great this season." I think we leave it at that. I mean, that's probably the level of conversation you've had up to this point, so it'd be kind of weird to make it way deeper, like, out of the blue.

Leah: And then if they bring it up, be like, "Oh, how are you doing with it?"

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: One time I said, "Sorry to hear that" to a friend who had gotten a divorce. And they said, "Please don't be. I'm thrilled." [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, that's always tricky.

Leah: I wouldn't necessarily say, "Sorry to hear that," because sometimes people really wanted it, you know?

Nick: Yeah. I think that the "sorry to hear" is kind of an okay default response absent any other information about how somebody feels about something. I don't think we'd be like, "Oh, that's great!" Like, that's not the answer either.

Leah: No, I wouldn't say that either. I would just say neither. I would say... that's why I would say, "Oh, how are you doing?"

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I could test the water.

Nick: You want to get a read on it first. That's true.

Leah: Then I go, "I'm so sorry to hear that." Or I go, "Oh, that's great, then."

Nick: Right.

Leah: Also, if they say, "I got a divorce," when you say, "How are you doing?" That way you're also not addressing, like, whether you knew or not. You're not ...

Nick: Right. Yes. And I think in etiquette world, often we do want to pretend that we don't know things unless we're told personally and directly. So in etiquette world, information you may learn third hand... which social media accounts... we may not actually want to acknowledge that we have this information.

Leah: I don't think we want to lie about it either. I don't think we want to lie. That's why a general statement like, "How are you doing?"

Nick: Yes, we don't want to lie, but we don't want to bring it up. We don't want to go out of our way to bring it up.

Leah: With people that we don't know well, because I'm gonna tell you... if I know you well, I'm bringing it up.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: I want to make sure you know. I want to make sure we're protecting you. "Do you need me? What's going on?"

Nick: Leah's got your back. So our next question is quote, "Recently, while dining at a Mexican restaurant with friends, one friend ordered pollo, but pronounced it to the Mexican waiter as 'polo.' Another friend corrected her pronunciation in front of the waiter. The first friend snapped back, saying 'He knew what I meant,' and the second friend doubled down saying, 'And I see you aren't open to learning anything new, either.' This friend once corrected my pronunciation of 'al dente' in front of a waiter once, embarrassing me. How should we handle this situation? Should we all be jumping on each other for pronunciation errors? Save it for later? Ignore the faux pas and move on? Is a comeback called for when put on the spot this way? It doesn't seem like good etiquette for something this trivial, but it can be a little frustrating. What do you think?"

Leah: I think I don't want to eat out with this person. That's two times.

Nick: Twice! Yeah, they are confusing embarrassing people publicly under the guise of being, quote-unquote, "helpful." And that does not work for me.

Leah: I really hate this comment. "And I see you aren't open to learning anything new, either."

Nick: Yeah, that's rude. I mean, the rule is, like, we do not correct somebody's grammar unless there's, like, a genuine need to do it. Like, we have to clarify something. Like, I just don't understand and I need to clarify some details, or if you know that they want to be corrected. Or they are a child and you are their parent, or in a similar sort of guardian, mentor, authority role in that person's life. Other than that, rare is it a great idea to correct people's pronunciation on things.

Leah: I feel like, you know, say it's a family member and the waiter walks away, you could be like, "Two Ls in Spanish is 'pollo.'"

Nick: Yes. I feel like if you thought that would be received well in the spirit in which it's intended and was helpful, yes. I think there's a place for that.

Leah: But it's not in front of the waiter.

Nick: I don't like that part. Yeah, I really don't like that part. And also, I don't like this conversation about the waiter in front of the waiter.

Leah: I don't like that either.

Nick: Treating this waiter like they're not there.

Leah: Yeah, "He knew what I meant."

Nick: Yeah, I don't like that. But he did. He definitely knew what you meant.

Leah: A lot of people have done it.

Nick: I mean, do you say something? I guess you could make a joke, which is like, "Oh, I don't think he's gonna be bringing me a horse and a mallet. So I think we're okay."

Leah: Why do we ever go to school when we have Lisa here to always correct us?

Nick: [laughs] I think mine was way nicer than what you just said.

Leah: Yours was significantly nicer. I was just next leveling it.

Nick: Oh, yeah. No, that takes it to the next level.

Leah: Yours was funny. Mine was just like... had it.

Nick: Yeah, we've had it with you. Yeah. I would actually have just done a weak smile. Like, that came out of your mouth, and I would have looked at you, like... and then I would made eye contact with you, and then I would gone right back to the waiter, and I would have said, "Thank you." And then that would have been the end of it.

Leah: I feel like I would have just addressed the waiter and been like, "Ah!"

Nick: Or, "I'm so sorry about my friend here."

Leah: And then I feel like I'd look at my friend after the waiter left, so he doesn't need to be involved in our family drama and be like, "Please don't correct me in public."

Nick: I think that could have been done. I think that could have been said. That would have been appropriate.

Leah: And then when they say, "I guess you don't like to learn anything," be like, "I'll learn stuff, but don't do it in front of other people. It's not nice."

Nick: Yeah. No, it's the in-front-of-other-people part is embarrassing. Yeah.

Leah: And I mean, they're on a roll. I'm sure that they've done it more than these two times. It's only when you've been there it's twice. They're doing it all over the place.

Nick: How about a, "Let's put a pin in this." Could we say that at the table? So I'm like... I order the polo. And then you're like, "Oh, it's pronounced 'pollo.'" And then you can be like, "Oh, let's put a pin in that." And I just kind of shut you down, and we shut down that pronunciation conversation for the moment with that pin. And then we finish ordering, and then we resume the pin, which is like, "Please don't correct me in front of other people."

Leah: I like your original idea, which was to give them a look and then go back to the waiter and be like, "Thank you so much."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then when the waiter leaves, be like, "Please don't correct me in front of other people."

Nick: Yeah. No, a dirty look. Yeah.

Leah: It doesn't even to be dirty. It could just be like a stern ...

Nick: Yes. I think some look that is not necessarily friendly.

Leah: Like a half eye, you know, when you kind of close your eyes a little and you go ...

Nick: I like a good squint. Mm-hmm. I like a good glare. Yeah, that's how we'd handle it.

Leah: I don't like it when people do this.

Nick: No.

Leah: I think I've told that story more than once where a lady once yelled across the table at a Christmas party, correcting me.

Nick: Was this about octopuses?

Leah: Yeah. And they were incorrect on top of it.

Nick: Yeah. It is actually octopuses is the correct plural, everybody.

Leah: And I looked it up. I couldn't not. I had to... I couldn't control myself. I was probably hungry. When I'm hungry, bad decisions are made.

Nick: But in the moment, you looked it up.

Leah: Yeah. And I just was like, "Just so you know, I was right."

Nick: "Just so you know."

Leah: Just so everybody in this room knows.

Nick: It's octopuses.

Leah: Your girl was right. But thank you for yelling across the table. We just don't correct people.

Nick: Yeah. Unless there's a real good reason. Real good reason, compelling reason, let's not

Leah: Like, somebody's gonna go out and embarrassing themselves on something. You know what I mean? Like ...

Nick: Right.

Leah: They're a close family member, and you're just giving them information. Then we do it privately.

Nick: Privately. Yes. And just because this has come up in my own life recently, if you're gonna correct somebody, make sure that you are correct. Do not correct somebody and be wrong.

Leah: Mm-mm-mm. Nick hates it.

Nick: That does not work for me. So if you're gonna do it, make sure you're real buttoned up. That's all I'm gonna say about that. So our next question is quote, "I was at a Japanese steakhouse, and I was in a conundrum over the proper seating etiquette. It's a steakhouse where the chefs cook in front of you. There's two seats on the end and four in between. I've attached a quick diagram of what the seating looked like. When I was being seated, there was already one couple there and a single person. Instead of sitting beside the single person, I made a buffer seat and sat two down from her. Then another couple came and took up the other end.

Nick: " Was I wrong in sitting with a buffer seat? Did I commit an etiquette crime? I thought the chairs were so close and I didn't want to rub elbows with a stranger, so thus a buffer seat. The restaurant was not crowded at the time, but I did wonder if they would have waited to fill the other two seats to start cooking had I not made buffer seats. Thoughts?"

Nick: And we have a diagram. So let's just walk our listeners through this diagram. So it is a U-shaped counter. So we, like, have a chef in the middle of the U. And there's two people on the right, two people on the left, and then the long side of the U across from the chef, there's four seats. And so we have couple, couple, turn the corner, couple, empty seat, our letter-writer, empty seat. And then we turn the corner and there's two more seats.

Leah: It's a square U. It's like a rectangle. Not like a deep U.

Nick: It's not a deep U. But basically, we have a set of four seats, and we are doing every other one there. And so yes, there are two free seats. They just aren't together. So if a couple did come, they would not be able to sit together if nobody wanted to shift around. Okay.

Leah: And I think very important to the story, the restaurant is not full.

Nick: The restaurant is not full. Yes. And it does not sound like the restaurant assigned you a seat. They're just like, "You can go over there. Have a seat."

Leah: Have a seat.

Nick: They didn't dictate what seat.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: So that's material. And some places do wait for everybody to be there before cooking starts, so I guess maybe they were waiting a little bit, but it doesn't sound like there was anybody else coming. And if there was, you were happy to move over. And I'm sure the restaurant or these people would have been happy to ask you to slide down one. Like, that would have been fine. Because, like, nobody has eaten yet. Like, nobody has food yet. We're waiting for the chef to, like, do their thing. So if they wanted you to move, they would have asked.

Leah: Yeah, that's my thought. I feel like you sat down. It seemed to be fine.

Nick: Yeah. And I think the general rule for bar seating like this is you can always do a buffer seat if you want. In fact, I think you should do a buffer seat, but just be prepared to shift down. You gotta be prepared to move over one if the buffer is no longer needed. If we have to have your seat. We gotta fill the bar.

Leah: I love it.

Nick: So yeah, as long as you're cool with that, then that's cool.

Leah: Cool.

Nick: Cool. So you out there, are you cool? Oh yes, you are! So send us a question or a vent, repent, a cordials of kindness, or any of the other fun things we ask for. Go to our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!