Inviting Thirteen Guests, Attending Pool Parties, Hogging Laundry Machines, and More

Nick: Do you dine with the wrong number of people? Do you bring glass near pools? Do you hog all the laundry machines? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

[Theme Song]

Here are things that can make it better

When we have to live together

We can all use a little help

So people don't ask themselves

Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: Breathing heavy, breathing heavy, breathing heavy.

Nick: [laughs] So for today's amuse bouche, I want to take you to London.

Leah: Oh, thank you so much!

Nick: And I know a lot of people in London, and I think we should have a dinner party. Wouldn't that be fun?

Leah: That would be so fun.

Nick: But I mean, who has time to cook? So let's go to the Savoy Hotel—very famous hotel in London. And let's, like, get a private dining room there. And that'll be nice because then we can have a bunch of people.

Leah: Oh, I love this life we're living.

Nick: Right? So we're gonna go to the dining room, and there's gorgeous plates and glassware and, like, what a tablescape. And at one of the seats, there is Kaspar. And Leah, I'm going to send you some photos of Kaspar. And I want you to tell me what you see.

Leah: I immediately think of the Friendly Ghost. Here we go. Let me ...

Nick: No, this is K-A-S-P-A-R.

Leah: Oh, okay. So, wow. Okay. So is it K-A-T-S-P-A-R?

Nick: No. No, no, no. K-A-S-P-A-R. But describe what it is that you see.

Leah: So it is a sculpture.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Of a cat?

Nick: Yep.

Leah: It's a very elegant cat. And the cat is sort of a little Klimt-y.

Nick: Oh, interesting. Yes, I can see that.

Leah: Sort of looking back on itself with this—I can't tell with the other one because in the other one it has its napkin around its neck.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: But in the first one, its tail is in this beautiful circle.

Nick: Yes, a nice spiral. And then in the second photo?

Leah: The second photo, the cat is at the table.

Nick: Yep, the cat is dining at the table, sitting in a chair.

Leah: And the cat has a lovely napkin around its neck like a bib.

Nick: That's right.

Leah: So you know I'm in.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, so that's Kaspar. And Kaspar historically would be served the entire meal, all the courses.

Leah: [gasps]

Nick: Nowadays, Kaspar just sits there with a napkin and we do not actually put food in front of Kaspar. But historically, you would. So Leah, I have a simple question for you. What ...?

Leah: I could make up multiple stories.

Nick: Yeah. Why is this happening? Why is this happening?

Leah: So if it's just at the Savoy and not at multiple places, I could be the cat that once haunted the Savoy.

Nick: Ah, interesting!

Leah: That historically lived at the Savoy, and they want to continue on the tradition of the cat being with us through history. If it is not just at the Savoy, it could be that we are holding a place for all of the creatures in this world.

Nick: Oh, interesting! Okay.

Leah: To be fed at our table, it could be—it's a black cat.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Which we always have the idea that black cats are bad luck, but I don't think that's true. I think they're good luck.

Nick: So interesting. So you're onto something. So this recently came to my attention in William Hanson's new book, Just Good Manners, which is all about British etiquette. And I'd never actually heard of this before, and it's actually pretty obscure even in the UK, but it is a thing. And it is not just at the Savoy.

Leah: Oh, okay.

Nick: And so what is happening is that our dinner party had 13 guests, and that number is bad luck. And in order to not have 13 guests, the Savoy has added a chair for this cat so that there would be 14 people at the table.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And 13 as being unlucky, I mean, there's a lot of history with this. I mean, it goes back to, like, the Last Supper. In Norse mythology there was also a dinner party that went wrong when Loki showed up and bad stuff happened. And so, like, 13, this is not a great number. And in 19th-century etiquette manuals, there's a lot of discussion about 13 people at a dinner party, and there was all sorts of, like, workarounds, which is like, invite somebody who's pregnant or, like, make the butler sit there. And so this is an idea that had been kicking around in, like, the 1800s. And so at the Savoy specifically, the origin story is kind of interesting. So in 1898, there was a diamond magnate from South Africa who I guess was always in London doing business, and he had a dinner party one night at the Savoy, and there was gonna be 14 guests, but one dropped out at the last minute. And so at the end of the party, one of the guests was like, "Oh, no! Like, we're 13. Like, whoever leaves first, you know, they're gonna have bad luck." And the host was like, "Oh, that's ridiculous. Like, I'm gonna leave first, and you're gonna see it's fine." And so then he goes back to Johannesburg, and he's shot.

Leah: No!

Nick: And he's killed.

Leah: No!

Nick: And so then word gets back to the Savoy in London, and they're like, "Oh, never again." And so what they started doing is they did make, like, a waiter sit in the dining room to be that 14th person. And then people are like, "Oh, we don't want that," because people at the table were like, "Who is this guy?" And then the restaurant was like, "Oh, we're short staffed now because, like, one of our waiters is sitting there." So then in the '20s, they commissioned this sculpture, this cat thing. And so since 1927, Kaspar has been available for dinner parties to make sure that you never have 13 people.

Leah: That is wild! This may be one of my favorite things that I've learned.

Nick: [laughs] Oh, wow!

Leah: I don't know. I have so many favorites, actually, so I can't say that. But I—this is just so odd.

Nick: It is odd.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And elsewhere in the UK, what you might do is you might put a stuffed animal, a teddy bear. And you just put a teddy bear in the chair. And that happens.

Leah: I mean, I do that anyway. So, you know, I'm already doing it. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, you're—you're halfway there. And it's not just a British thing. I did come across this thing in Paris in the late 1800s, where there was a thing called a "Quatorzième," which means 14th. And I could not find a lot about it, but basically the idea was like better restaurants would have, like, a roster of people who live nearby of regulars, who if you had 13 people and were superstitious, they could call them and be like, "Hey, do you have your tux on? Like, come on down. You know, we need a 14th person." So it wasn't like this was a profession, like people were, like, professional 14th guests. But, like, I think it did happen a few times. Obviously, like, this is ridiculous, but it was sort of a tongue-in-cheek thing.

Leah: So just like a seat filler. [laughs]

Nick: It is like a seat filler. I mean, that's exactly what this is. Yes. So the next time you are in London, if you wanna see Kaspar, they usually just keep them in the lobby so you could just, like, see this cat sculpture. And people actually do purposely reserve dinners for 13, knowing that they're gonna get Kaspar as the 14th as sort of like a fun photo opportunity. So you could deliberately have dinner for 13 if you wanted, if you wanted to, like, make sure you got this weird guest.

Leah: Oh, that's really fun. That's really fun.

Nick: So now we know what you're gonna do next time you're in London.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep into the pool!

Nick: So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about pool parties.

Leah: Summer vacation!

Nick: So Leah, do you like pool parties? Is that like a thing? I feel like in LA, that's the only type of party you have.

Leah: I actually feel like I've been to more pool parties on the East Coast than I have here.

Nick: Oh, aren't we grand? Who are all these East Coast people with pools?

Leah: Well, you know, I'm counting above ground pools.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I do feel like I'm also counting baby toddler pools.

Nick: Sure. Yeah.

Leah: On a roof in New York. [laughs]

Nick: Sure. Yeah. No, that—that counts.

Leah: I feel like the ...

Nick: We take what we can get, everybody.

Leah: We take what we can get. I feel like the joke in LA is that everybody has a pool but nobody goes.

Nick: Oh, that's true.

Leah: But we actually swim in our pool.

Nick: Okay, because you're the rare exception.

Leah: Because our building, our whole building swims. Everybody loves it.

Nick: For me, I don't love pool parties because I don't like being in the sun. And so I feel like it's really hard to have a nighttime pool party.

Leah: Although, if anybody could pull it off, it's you, Nick.

Nick: Although, I think that's true. We don't typically have evening pool parties. Well, you might have a pool party on the deck that's near the pool, but we would not call it, like, "Oh, come to my pool party at 7:00 pm.

Leah: Yeah, I think a lot of people like to be warm when they get in the water.

Nick: Sure, fair enough.

Leah: I also think maybe there's a safety thing. You wanna be able to see people in the water.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean, it's just not for me, but that's okay.

Leah: That being said, I'd be delighted to go to an evening pool party with you.

Nick: Okay. Well, good to know. I'll have a plus one. So let's talk about the etiquette.

Leah: My first one was ...

Nick: Hmm?

Leah: ... I went to a pool party when I was younger and somebody threw me in. They thought it was funny. And I had all my clothes on, including shoes that could not go into water.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Because I was gonna get there and change. You know what I mean?

Nick: Sure.

Leah: And everyone thought it was so funny. Don't do that to people.

Nick: No! Oh, even if you were in a bathing suit.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: And—and actually dressed for the pool. I don't think we throw people into the pool.

Leah: Yeah, I don't—don't do that.

Nick: Yeah, we're not pushing people. Yeah. Yeah, I think let's be mindful of where the water is and who wants it on them.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: So that includes splashing, right?

Leah: Yeah, if you're gonna cannonball, you have to yell "Cannonball!" first. That's the rule.

Nick: But you also have to give time for people to move out of the way.

Leah: You're at the back of the diving board. You yell "Cannonball!" One, two, three. And then you run and you jump.

Nick: Oh, you only give people three seconds? I think I need more time.

Leah: It's a pool party. You gotta back up.

Nick: I mean, there is a hazard at these parties that you might get wet. I think that is something that you have to acknowledge.

Leah: Yeah, it is a pool party.

Nick: So don't wear your finest silk and suede.

Leah: Yeah, suede is a bad call.

Nick: Suede is the wrong material. I think for me, I think before we even get there, I think we wanna ask our host if it's not clear, like, "Oh, should I bring a towel?" You know? I think we want to be self-sufficient guests. I think we don't want to necessarily assume our host is gonna provide all of the things that we need to have a good time. So, like, bring your own sunblock, bring your own towel, bring your own whatever.

Leah: Yeah, I'm gonna assume you're bringing your own towel, but I think it's great to ask.

Nick: Yeah. I guess should you even ask? I guess just bring your own towel.

Leah: I would just bring my own towel, but ...

Nick: Right. Yeah, because the default setting is your host is not providing towels.

Leah: No, it's not a—they're not a hotel.

Nick: Unless they are, which what a party!

Leah: [laughs] What a party!

Nick: And then no glass. Let's just not have glass. No glass near the pool.

Leah: Yeah, I had that in there. I mean, no glass. I don't like people—you know when you see people very casual with glass, and they just dip it into, like, an ice chest and you're like, this is such a bad idea.

Nick: No. Bartenders, professional bartenders who see people do that are like, "What are you doing?"

Leah: What are you doing?

Nick: Never do that. Never, never put glass into, like, a ice—yeah. Mm-mm, don't do it.

Leah: And don't do it by the pool either.

Nick: And also, if you're gonna bring beverages, let's say, like, "Oh, I'm gonna bring a six pack of something," bring it in cans or bring it in plastic.

Leah: And I would say be careful spilling liquids into people's pools.

Nick: Yes. Well, I think we want to be mindful of the quality of the water. So I feel like ...

Leah: That's a nice way to put it.

Nick: Let's not add anything to the water.

Leah: Let's not add anything into the water.

Nick: Right? So let's not add anything.

Leah: Nick is directing that for people who pee in pools.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: I'll just say what the unspoken words are.

Nick: Yes. Actually, I was once at a pool and there was a big sign that said, "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no 'P' in it. We'd like to keep it that way."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Really stuck with me.

Leah: You hear about these pools where they have, like, something in the water that if you pee in it it lights up. Have you heard about this?

Nick: Oh!

Leah: And then so you're just—all of a sudden there's, like, this stream lit up behind you, and then they're like, "Gotcha!"

Nick: [laughs] Wow! Okay. I mean, I guess I respect that. I respect that. But also, if you're gonna be, like, having chicken wings, like, let's wash our hands first before we get into the pool. Or better yet, you know, like, shower before you get into the pool. You know, use that outdoor shower.

Leah: I also—if you have animals and your friend's a dog person, you're a dog person, maybe there's dog people coming, you gotta ask, "Is this a dog event? Can I bring Lacey and Greta? Or is it a people event?"

Nick: Yeah. No, that's conscientious. Yeah, don't assume that.

Leah: Just because it's outside.

Nick: Right. Yeah. Next on my list is don't post photos of people without permission. Not everybody wants, like, their bathing suit photos, like, on social media. So just be mindful.

Leah: And also in that note, I wanted to say everybody's level of comfortability of undress may be different.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: So if somebody just wants to sit around and enjoy it in their shorts and a t-shirt, no need to, like, bring it up and be like ...

Nick: Yes. Let's not comment on what anybody's wearing or not wearing.

Leah: Yes, let's not comment on what any—and this is like a—you know me and compliments. You're like, "Love the suit. Great color. Please!" But don't be like, "Why are you wearing a t-shirt? Take that t-shirt off.

Nick: Like, "Aren't you hot in that whatever?"

Leah: "Aren't you hot in that snow suit?" "No, this is how I'm comfortable."

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: "Please leave me alone."

Nick: Like, "Yes, I'm hot, but I like it this way. So thank you for your concern."

Leah: Thank you for your concern.

Nick: Yeah. No, I think that's an important note. Yeah, let's not—I mean, we shouldn't do it anywhere, but yeah, let's not comment on people's bodies, or what we're wearing or not wear. Yeah, let's not make anybody feel self-conscious.

Leah: Oh, and back to the dog thing. I recently was at an event where a woman that—I said, "Can I bring my dog?" And they said, "Yes." And then they said, "We have a woman who's afraid of dogs."

Nick: Okay?

Leah: And then she and I were very cordial. I knew in advance, she knew in advance. We stayed away from each other, not in any kind of rude way.

Nick: Okay, so the idea is oh, you're welcome to bring your dog. Know that one of my guests does not like dogs. FYI. And so, can you coexist at my party? And the solution was yes.

Leah: Yes. And they had already told that person, "Hey, we're gonna let people with dogs come." And then so they told me, "Hey, we've already told her there will be dogs here, but if you could be conscientious of her." And so I didn't—I just didn't keep my dog—because I think some people are like, "Oh, no. My dog's nice." It's like, no, some people have a history with dogs. It has nothing to do with your dog.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Just keep your dog away.

Nick: Yeah. No, I think that's a nice way to handle it, too. Yeah. Next on my list? Don't hog the toys. Don't hog the pool toys. Let other people have a chance on the raft or the whatever. I don't know—I don't know a lot about pool toys.

Leah: The noodle?

Nick: The noodle. Yeah. Yeah, the donut? The donut thing? I did recently see there was, like—I guess it's not a toy, but it was a big boat and it was, like, full of guacamole. And I thought, oh, that's kind of fun.

Leah: Oh, floating in the middle, and people go out and dip?

Nick: Yeah, they just launched, like, this whole nacho boat in the pool. And I thought, "Oh!"

Leah: Okay, I have a new dream, Nick. Now I have a new dream, and that's that one day I have a home in California that has a pool, obviously big enough land for my sanctuary. And then you'll come visit for a pool party, and we'll have a guacamole float.

Nick: A nighttime pool party.

Leah: Well, what we'll do is dusk, so people that like a little sun can get out there for the sunset.

Nick: I can use a parasol until sundown.

Leah: You can stand under a parasol.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Perfect. But don't hog the floaties is my point. So make sure everybody has a chance. And I guess if you brought your own floaties, I guess you could use them. But also nice to share, even if you brought your own pool toys.

Leah: Also, but maybe, like, you're laying on it and you're having your drink and you'd be like, "I'm here. If anybody wants this, let me know." But then you relax, you know what I'm saying?

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Insincerely offer to others.

Leah: No, I meant sincerely.

Nick: Oh, okay. Okay.

Leah: I love how you always think I'm being insincere about—no, I mean it. Be like, "I'm hanging on this, but you're welcome to—" I'm not gonna get off unless somebody else wants it, but I'm happy to get off if somebody else wants it.

Nick: Okay, and you mean it. Okay, that's nice.

Leah: Yes, I mean it.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: What are you talking about?

Nick: Okay. No, that's nice. And then the last thing on my list is—I think a lot of these are happening outside, unless you have an indoor pool, in which how nice for you. But if you're outside and you need to, like, pop inside to use the restroom, and I think we just wanna be a little mindful of that because I think some hosts have the idea, like, "Oh, this is a party that's exclusively outdoors and I don't want people in my house. Like, my house is actually closed for this party. This is purely like a guest outdoor-only experience." So just, I think, ask before you just, like, go inside, especially if you, like, entered not through the house, like if you entered through the side gate, you know? The house may be off limits.

Leah: Well, I think they know that people have to go to the bathroom.

Nick: Right, but there might be, like, another entrance or a different bathroom. Or there might be a pool house. I don't know what's happening.

Leah: Just say, "I need to use the restroom. What should I do?"

Nick: Yeah, exactly. But I think we don't want to just, like, go into somebody's house, start wandering around. Like, that's not—that's not for you.

Leah: No, just ask. But also, don't get kidney failure, like, if you gotta go to the bathroom.

Nick: Also that. Right. And then don't pee in the pool, as previously discussed.

Leah: So your lawn, and ask.

Nick: Yeah. So those are your two options.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yes. So pool parties. Yeah, I guess maybe I should attend a daytime pool party to see if I like it now, or to better understand what doesn't do it for me. Maybe I don't know.

Leah: Just get a broad hat.

Nick: I think it's really just being in the sun for me. I just don't like being in the sun.

Leah: That's, like, my favorite part of the pool party, being in the sun.

Nick: And then, like, the light reflects off the water and, like, up at you, so then I need to have, you know, some sort of block below me. I don't know. Oh, I'm real fun, guys.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So enjoy. Everybody enjoy your pool party. Let me know how it is.

Leah: Yeah, I think that's my last thing. Have fun!

Nick: Have fun. Yes. That's a great note. Yes. Go with the intention of having a nice time. Yes.

Leah: Have a lovely time.

Nick: And then, of course, like always, send a note to your host afterwards letting them know how much you enjoyed their hospitality so that you'll be invited back.

Leah: Send a text.

Nick: I mean, just express gratitude in some form.

Leah: Depending on your relationship with this person.

Nick: Yeah, we will put a pin in the format for another day, but just show gratitude in some way, and that'll satisfy the requirement.

Leah: I know we only did—are doing sound effects previously, but a nice one there would be the sound of somebody jumping into a pool.

Nick: Oh, we cannot live in a world in which we start adding sound effects.

Leah: No, but I'm gonna narrate them. "Sound of person jumping into pool."

Nick: No, no. Give me the sound. Create the sound, Leah.

Leah: I'm closed captioning it. "Sound of someone jumping into pool."

Nick: [laughs] You can't give me a splash?

Leah: We all know how the duck thing went.

Nick: That was unfortunate.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Okay.

Leah: [splash!]

Nick: Oh, okay! Very nice. I felt transported.

Leah: Really? Oh, wonderful.

Nick: Oh, yeah. No, I felt refreshed.

Leah: Oh, good, oh, good.

Nick: So thank you.

Leah: Thank you!

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "I need your help to determine whether I've inadvertently committed an etiquette crime. I live in a large apartment building with a laundry room on each floor. There are two washers and two dryers per floor. I work from home, so I usually do my laundry in the middle of the workday and will sometimes do two loads of laundry at a time, thus occupying both washers and then both dryers. I always set a timer to make sure that I'm in the laundry room before the machines stop so nobody is left waiting. Recently, I was at a tenant event, and one of my neighbors opined that he thought it was rude of people to do two loads of laundry at the same time, and that we should all be leaving one machine free for other tenants. Leaving aside the other laundry permutations that might apply, for example, if I have one load to do and one washer is taken, is the implication that I should then wait to do my laundry so that no other tenant is stymied? Is it rude to use both washers at once? Please help. I've been twisting like a fitted sheet over this."

Leah: I love our letter writer's prose, "Twisting like a fitted sheet." Fantastic!

Nick: Oh, I feel it. I could see it.

Leah: Not only is the visual wonderful, but it's appropriate for what we're talking about.

Nick: It is. So I have thoughts.

Leah: Oh, I have a very clear thought.

Nick: Yeah? Oh, I have a very clear thought.

Leah: I'm interested to see if it's the same thought because I'm so a hundred percent on one side of this.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, for sure.

Leah: And I will not be moved. But I've been—obviously everybody's been upset about my take on lawn mowing. So who knows?

Nick: So who knows? So I think just some interesting details, just so I want to just, like, highlight. There's laundry on each floor. So it's not like there's only two washers and two dryers in the whole building. There's one on each floor, and presumably you can go to other floors. I think that's interesting. And then I think it's interesting to note that we're doing this off hours, but I don't think that matters. I don't think it matters at all.

Leah: What's interesting to me is that this person whom we're just talking with thinks they know whose laundry it is. So then in my mind, this person actually has a particular gripe.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: Because I could walk into the laundry room right now and both laundries could be going. I don't know if it's the same person.

Nick: Oh! Yes, do you know it's the same person using both machines or not? Yes, it could be two different neighbors doing their laundry.

Leah: And since it's the same either way, what does it matter?

Nick: Right. Yes. I mean, the answer here is no, it is not rude to use both washers.

Leah: It's not rude at all!

Nick: Of course not.

Leah: That's not rude at all.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, you're just, like, not supposed to use both on the off chance that somebody else wants one? No, what a bonkers world we would live in if that were the rule.

Leah: And also, it's just creating backup, because then you're waiting for yours to be done in the one machine, somebody else is gonna come in and use the other machine. So now both machines are being used anyway, but then now you have to jump on your machine and put your stuff in.

Nick: Yeah, it just takes longer for everybody.

Leah: It's just a mess.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. No, this is totally bonkers. Yeah. I mean, I guess one solution would be we have sign up sheets now. Do we need to have a sign up sheet for the machines?

Leah: No, you just wait. It could be because it's—you have to wait if there were two people in the laundry.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Like, if you were doing one and I was doing the other, that person has to wait the same amount of time.

Nick: Yeah. And also this is just how the world is. This is how laundry rooms are.

Leah: Especially if you're the kind of person who's coming in when the laundry's done. I mean, that's the thing to complain about when people are leaving their laundry.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, and that's not the problem here. The problem is that you're using machines at all, and that somebody has to wait 25 minutes for the washer.

Leah: Sometimes I want to say to people, "Are you upset about something else and it's coming out in this thing where it doesn't make sense that you're upset about it?"

Nick: But also, in this building, there's laundry on every floor. Presumably there's more than one floor in this building, which means oh, are these two busy? Okay, take your laundry up a floor or down a floor.

Leah: I can't even imagine walking into the laundry and being like, "I wonder if these machines are being used by the same person. I'm gonna wait and watch."

Nick: [laughs] Yeah.

Leah: Also, that's what happens. You go in, you're doing your colors and darks, and then one has my whites.

Nick: Yeah, that's how it is. No, that makes sense. That's allowed.

Leah: You really are backing it up if you just—because then you have to go, and then you're also throwing off the timing of the dryers because you have to put yours in that and now you're gonna wait and leave one open. So then yours goes in the dryer, but then your washer is gonna be shorter than the dryer, but you've left the other one. It's a whole—it's the whole thing's a mess.

Nick: It's a whole mess, yeah. So we don't need to live in this world.

Leah: No, we don't live in this world.

Nick: Your neighbor is wrong.

Leah: Wrong.

Nick: I don't love their logic—such that it is. Yeah. No, it's—no, shut it down.

Leah: Shut it down!

Nick: Shut it down. So our next question is quote, "I have a question regarding a dilemma I'm experiencing as I write this email. When staying at someone's home as a guest, what is the proper etiquette for when to get out of bed and join your hosts in the morning? At the moment, I'm staying with a friend and his partner. I'm an early riser, but I don't want to creep around the house before anyone else is up. I could come downstairs when I start to hear voices, but I don't want to intrude on them first thing in the morning. The night before, I asked what time folks start their day, but they kindly responded, 'Don't worry, feel free to sleep in.' I'm happy to lounge in bed, but what are your thoughts on this?"

Leah: I mean, it seems to me like the friends that we're staying with's bedroom is not directly next to the kitchen. Right? Because we're actually going downstairs.

Nick: Yes, there is a downstairs, so it presumes that the bedrooms are upstairs.

Leah: So it's not like you have to worry about oh, I'm gonna wake them up ...

Nick: Right.

Leah: ... down there.

Nick: Right.

Leah: I think they want you to feel at home. They assume that you were saying "I like to sleep in." I feel like at that point we could have been like, "Oh, I get up early and I just didn't want to wake anybody up." And then they'd be like, "No, no. Make yourself at home."

Nick: I mean, I think the question here is like, I don't want to wake people up before they're up. So I feel like that's a good instinct. And I think just go downstairs and don't make a huge amount of noise. Bring a book, bring your laptop but, like, you're welcome to go downstairs. Fine. I think you're also welcome—unless you're making a huge racket, you're welcome to make some coffee for yourself, unless the coffee-making process is just, like, super loud. But I think if you could do any of this without disturbing people upstairs, like, I think you're allowed to do that.

Leah: Yeah, I think that it's different if you're, like, in a one-bedroom apartment where you going into the kitchen will be the whole apartment. You know what I mean?

Nick: Sure.

Leah: So that's why I was making the differentiation. I think in a circumstance like this just, you know, quietly slink down the stairs and start your morning.

Nick: Yeah. And then I think the question of, like, oh, I don't want to intrude on people first thing, I think if you are houseguests and your hosts are downstairs, they are ready to see you because I think hosts that are like, "Oh, I don't want to see my guests at the moment," they'll grab coffee and they'll go back to their room.

Leah: I agree, yes.

Nick: But I think if you're already in a public area of your house and you've got house guests, as a host you just have to know, like, I have to engage with my guests now.

Leah: But I love that our letter-writer is so conscientious and wonderful.

Nick: Very conscientious, yes. Now I think it would be helpful for a host to provide a little bit of a schedule and not leave it this vague. Like, "Feel free to sleep in?" I mean, what does that mean?

Leah: Well, I think they just want them to do whatever they want. That's what the host is trying—the host is just trying to make them feel comfy, but it's gone the other way because of the conscientiousness of our letter-writer.

Nick: Yes. And I think actually the usual problem here is when a guest sleeps in and the host would rather that they get up, that the guest is sleeping in too late.

Leah:: Yeah, I think that's why they assumed that.

Nick: Right. So I think you're doing great. I think just don't wake people up, and then that's fine.

Leah: And have a lovely time!

Nick: So do you have questions for us? Oh, yes you do! Let us know through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com, or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: Nick, I'm gonna vent.

Nick: Okay, what has happened?

Leah: So this is not— [laughs] I was like, "Nick's gonna be like, 'This is not what the vents are for.'" And then I ...

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: And then I decided ...

Nick: I don't care.

Leah: I don't care. Because this is really—what's that phrase you always use for ...?

Nick: Which one?

Leah: Which one? No, that's—I need ...

Nick: "I said good day!"

Leah: Yes.

Nick: "I don't care for this."

Leah: No, it's "grinds my gears."

Nick: Ah. That's what you say.

Leah: Where did we get it? We got it from one of our letter-writers.

Nick: Okay, it's a catchphrase that comes up on our show.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Who knows where it comes from?

Leah: Well, I'm thinking of, like, "chafes my bum," but that's not ...

Nick: I don't think we've ever used that phrase before.

L No, but that's the one that's coming up in my mind.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So I recently saw a post from the New York City Animal Care and Control.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: Wedding season has begun, and they are taking in doves that people are purchasing for wedding events and setting free in the city, and then leaving them to fend for themselves. These are domesticated doves that they bought from a pet store.

Nick: Oh. Yeah, that's a bad idea.

Leah: And they say it happens with gender reveal parties and it happens with weddings. And people are just buying doves.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Who have been living inside their whole lives, and then setting them free and then leaving them.

Nick: Yeah. This is not how that should go.

Leah: And I got real worked up about it. And I know this is not a personal vent, but it is a vent where I just feel like people have really gone off the rails not thinking about other beings.

Nick: Yeah. No, I think this counts as a vent. Yeah. No, this is bad etiquette.

Leah: This is such bad etiquette. I mean, remember when the gender reveal people, like, lit half the California on fire? What are we doing?

Nick: Yeah, I feel like we have forgotten what these events are supposed to be. Yeah. I don't think we need to release doves at weddings.

Leah: They do not need—they don't know what they're doing.

Nick: Not required.

Leah: They are not birds that have been living in the—they don't know how to—they literally have to go get picked up by Animal Care and Control because they're like, "I don't know what to do."

Nick: Yeah. No, they don't know how to, like, fend in the wild.

Leah: You're literally just essentially murdering 10 doves because you wanted to have, like, a video.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, no, that is rude. That is not something that should be happening. Yeah, don't do that, people.

Leah: Don't do that! I mean, chaffs my bum.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: Is that the phrase?

Nick: I mean, you're welcome to—I get what you mean.

Leah: Grinds my gear. I mean, I got worked up about it. It's just needless.

Nick: Yes, it is really short-sighted and needless and selfish. Yeah.

Leah: It's so selfish.

Nick: Yeah. No, that's the definition of bad etiquette.

Leah: I mean, what are we doing?

Nick: Isn't that the question? Well, speaking of that, I would like to vent. So I was going through my archives of vents, because, like, as horrible things happen to me, I just sort of write it down. And ...

Leah: Is it in your Notes app or in a journal?

Nick: It's in my Notes app.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Of course. It's password protected. So, you know ...

Leah: Oh!

Nick: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, there's a lot in there. But this is actually from a few months ago, and I guess it just never came up because there were more pressing vents, but I've actually had a remarkably etiquette crime-free week.

Leah: Ooh!

Nick: And so, gotta go to the archives. And so I was at MoMA, the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. And I was seeing The Clock. Do you know about this?

Leah: No!

Nick: Oh, The Clock. So The Clock is a video. It's by Christian Marclay, and it is basically a 24-hour film. And what is amazing about it is that as you're watching it, you are seeing clips from movies and television. And some of the clips are only a few seconds long, and in every clip, they're talking about the time or there's, like, a clock in the background. And every time that they're talking about or that you're seeing is synchronized to the actual time you're experiencing as a viewer.

Leah: Oh, wow!

Nick: So if you're going to MoMA at 10:30 in the morning, at 10:30, they're gonna be talking about things in movies and TV that are happening at 10:30. At 10:31, the clocks in the background are gonna say 10:31.

Leah: Wild!

Nick: 10:32. There is clips from every minute of every hour in a 24-hour day. It's incredible! It actually is one of the most amazing pieces of art I've ever experienced. And I've seen it a couple times now, and I've seen it at different times of day. And the artist requires that any institution that displays it has to at least do one run that's 24 hours long, because normally it's just running when the museum is open but, like, you want to see the clock at 2:00 am.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: And so I've seen the clock in, like, the morning, I've seen afternoon, I've seen, like, between 2:00 and 4:00 am. Yeah, a lot of bad stuff happens in the middle of the night. So anyway, I am at MoMA, I am seeing the clock. It's early morning, and so the artist also requires that there be, like, couches available to sit in to watch this. That's, like, part of the artist's instructions. And these are pretty small couches. Like, these are IKEA love seats. They're pretty snug, and they're for two people. And so, like, I'm on a couch, I'm enjoying the clock, and a woman loudly in a very New York style, which is like, "Hey, I want to sit here, too." And there's already two of us on this couch, but I'm like, I guess—I guess there's room for one more. I guess we could squeeze in. I mean, we're gonna squeeze in like we're in the back of a cab kind of squeeze in. Like, yes, there are seats for three people but, like, it's gonna be real snug. But she, like, sat down in a huff because I was, like, taking up the seat that she wanted. And I was like, okay, that's kind of an interesting attitude but, like, that's fine. And then she proceeds to be on her phone.

Leah: No!

Nick: [laughs] The entire time.

Leah: No, she does not, Nick.

Nick: And she's, like, texting, checking email. Like, she's not watching anything that's happening on the screen. She's just, like, going about her day, texting her daughter. Like, it was like, what are we doing? So ...

Leah: No.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah. So, like, you forced your way onto this two-seater couch, and now you're texting and you're ruining this experience because you really want to get sucked into it.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: Like, one of the amazing things about The Clock is that none of the clips relate to anything else. They're all just random movie clips. But the way it's edited and the way the sound design is done is that they all blend into each other and they look like different scenes and, like, your brain starts to, like, create stories about it. about, like, oh, you know, these people are related to the people in the previous scene, even though it might be, like, 50 years apart in the history of cinema. So, like, this woman totally ruined it. So luckily I'd seen The Clock before. It was like, all right, like, you're not totally ruining this, but, like, you're ruining it for everybody else.

Leah: I mean, the—just unbelievable. You're like, "I wanna sit here, ugh." And then you're like, "I'm gonna take my phone out."

Nick: [laughs] That was exactly it.

Leah: I just can't take it anymore.

Nick: Yeah. It's like, you are not at home. Yeah, it was definitely—there is a flavor of New Yorker who's been here for—they're from here originally, or they've been here for a billion years, and they definitely are happy just to, like, feel like they should just have whatever, and they feel like they should be accommodated. And it's like, okay. Okay, have a seat, hope you enjoy.

Leah: Gross.

Nick: But if you ever have the opportunity to see The Clock, if it ever is in your city, or if you can get yourself to see it, it really actually is worth it. And it is worth it to see as much of it as possible because it really changes throughout the day.

Leah: That's so cool!

Nick: Yeah. No, it's very cool.

Leah: I would love to go at nighttime. That's so cool.

Nick: Nighttime, yeah. I mean, after our pool party, we can go.

Leah: Ah! We have a whole plan.

Nick: Yeah, it's a date.

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: Well, I learned about Kas—it's Kaspar, right? Kaspar.

Nick: I get—I mean, K-A-S-P-A-R. So Kaspar?

Leah: Kaspar.

Nick: Yeah. I don't know how they say it in a British accent.

Leah: I'm throwing in a shoulder in it.

Nick: Yeah, Kaspar.

Leah: Kaspar for the 14th seat.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: Also, I love Kaspar in the little bib.

Nick: Yes. I mean, it is not good etiquette to wear your napkin around your neck that way, but I guess if you're inanimate and made of wood.

Leah: Yes, but also if you're a cat and, you know, you don't have thumbs.

Nick: Ah.

Leah: You probably—it's hard to always get in the mouth.

Nick: Oh, interesting point.

Leah: So they're just, you know, for the chest area you want to protect.

Nick: Okay. Okay, so we're gonna actually have to do a whole deep dive on cat etiquette.

Leah: [laughs] I wouldn't say no.

Nick: And I learned that you already dine with stuffed animals.

Leah: [laughs] I mean, are you shocked though?

Nick: Yeah. I mean, it does not come as a surprise.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Nick: Everyone is welcome at my table, Nick.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. Animate, inanimate, come one, come all.

Leah: Come as you are.

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, I want to make sure that your stationery wardrobes are up to date. So I want to make sure you have cards, I want to make sure you've got stamps. And to prove it, I want you to send me a letter. So please send me a letter. Our PO box address is on our website, and I want you to send me a letter and just say hello. I will write you back. And I want you to prove to me that you have a stationery wardrobe that is ready to roll. So that is your homework.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: Yeah, I want proof this time.

Leah: Wow.

Nick: We've been trusting our audience to do the homework. And honestly, I think there's some of them that aren't doing it, Leah.

Leah: It's so funny because I trust them implicitly.

Nick: No, I think—I think some of them think that we don't notice. And I do. I know who's not doing their homework.

Leah: I thought you were gonna say you wanted a text with a picture.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: Which seems to be my theme. I'm always like, "You could text a picture of it."

Nick: No, no. I want you to prove—no, the whole point of stationery wardrobe is that you have stationery.

Leah: No, but you would be texting a picture of the stationery.

Nick: No, that does—no. Uh-uh. No, with AI? No, you can fake that. No, I want you to put pen to paper, send me a note. I think you'll enjoy it, I will really enjoy it, and it's about me at the end of the day. So please make me happy.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: Well, since I had a vent about animals, my cordial would also be for animals.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So everybody knows I'm really into rescuing dogs. And I particularly have a heart for, like, dogs that were older dogs that got adopted, and then people dropped them off.when they're old. And you just think it's so mean, like, to leave your dog when they're old. I can't take it. Anyway, there was this very old dog—I would say debonair, I would say professorial.

Nick: Distinguished.

Leah: Distinguished dog.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: In this shelter in Atlanta that was on its—literally its last hour. And I was very invested. And they extended him until the next morning, and the person who had to be there at—when doors opened. And these people, I looked them up, I wrote them a thank you note, Nick.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: From Wellery Farms, which I think is a new sanctuary. It also is like a wellness farm. They got up at the crack of dawn in Mississippi, and drove to Atlanta to save Grayson when the door opened.

Nick: Wow.

Leah: I love them so much. I don't even know you people from Wellery Farms, but you are incredible.

Nick: Wow! Very nice. And for me, I want to say thank you to you, Leah.

Leah: What?

Nick: Well, I feel like this week you just need more of this.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] But specifically, for my birthday, you got me cookies. And you got me delicious Levain cookies. And if you've ever had a Levain bakery cookie, these are big. Like, these—one cookie is really the equivalent of, like, three cookies. And you sent me, like, a dozen, which I mean, delightful, but I had to freeze them because, like, I cannot eat a dozen cookies, like, immediately. And I cut them into quarters actually before I froze them because, like, a quarter of a cookie is really all I need. Like, that's one cookie. And I finally just finished the last quarter last night.

Leah: Oh, wow! I'm so delighted.

Nick: So I finally—so my birthday cookie run has finally ended. But it was delicious. I thought of you with every bite. So I'm sad that I have no more cookies, but I appreciate—I appreciated the cookies I did have.

Leah: I'm so delighted!

Nick: Yes, so thank you.

Leah: You know, that was my first time ever using, like, a DoorDash.

Nick: Oh! How'd it go?

Leah: I've never used—I've never used one. You know, I really like to communicate with people, and I think they were like, "Okay, we get it."

Nick: No, use the app.

Leah: [laughs] Because they were like ...

Nick: Just tell us what you want through the app.

Leah: I'm, like, texting and I was like, "Hey, how you doing? Let me know if you need anything from me."

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: And they were like, "We do this professionally."

Nick: Yeah. Yeah. No, they arrived in one piece. It was great. So thank you.

Leah: Yay!