Etiquette, manners, and beyond! In this bonus episode, Nick and Leah answer listener questions about dealing with damaged gifts, giving Starbucks a fake name, splitting an AirBNB fairly, handling PDAs on a school trip, leaving low tips, tipping on expensive spa procedures, explaining to a friend why they're not invited to your home, powering your phone all the way off, and much more. Please subscribe! (We'd send you a hand-written thank you note if we had your address.)
QUESTIONS FROM THE WILDERNESS:
THINGS MENTIONED DURING THE SHOW
YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO...
Producer & Editor: Nick Leighton
Theme Music: Rob Paravonian
Nick: Hey, everybody, it's Nick Leighton.
Leah: And I'm Leah Bonnema.
Nick: We're in New York today, and we had so many great questions that came in from the wilderness-
Leah: Oh, so good!
Nick: -that we have a bonus episode.
Nick: So, as a reminder, you can send us questions - unless your life is great; you're going through life; there are no etiquette problems; things are good. If that's not the case, please send in some questions for us.
Leah: Please send them in. We love these so much.
Nick: Our first question is: "What is the etiquette for unknowingly giving someone a damaged gift? I'm a bridesmaid for my cousin's wedding. I got her a gift for her shower, which was held two months ago, and as far as I knew, all was well. So, I was quite surprised to receive a text last week from the bride telling me that the gift was damaged. The gift receipt has also been, unfortunately, thrown away. Should the bride-to-be have checked her gift sooner, or am I in the wrong? She briefly mentioned it at a recent family gathering, and it was awkward. Any help would be appreciated."
Leah: I'm making a face.
Nick: Yeah, Leah's making a very, very sad, confused face.
Leah: I want to say, up top, people have so much stress about weddings.
Leah: There's so much around it.
Leah: It's just supposed to be a celebration, you know?
Nick: Yes. It sounds like you're coming down on the bride's side.
Leah: Well, I don't understand why it took two ... No, no, no ...
Leah: I'm not coming down on anybody's side.
Leah: I just want to say - for everybody - I wish the load could be lightened.
Nick: Yes, true.
Leah: And then, two months is a bit odd.
Nick: Does feel a little strange that we did not notice this in two months.
Leah: Also, the receipt was unfortunately thrown away. I'm unclear of who threw it away.
Nick: Sure. Yes. This was an intransitive verb.
Leah: Right ... Because if you have your card, you can just take it back. However, this person doesn't seem that the bride said, "Can you switch it?" It's like they just wanted to let you know?
Nick: Yeah. There is an implication here that, "You purposely gave me a damaged gift."
Leah: Right, which, of course, you did not.
Nick: Presumably that was not the case.
Leah: So, I feel like you could just be like, "Oh, sorry about that."
Nick: Well, I think the ... [Laughing] Yes! I think that's good. In general, if you receive something that's damaged, I think if you can fix it, somehow- if you can just take care of it ... If this was a coffeemaker; if I can just go to the manufacturer and be like, "Can I just get a new carafe that was broken?" I would just take care of it. I wouldn't even bother the gift-giver with the problem.
Leah: Yeah, I wouldn't either. I wouldn't bring it up-
Nick: And that's why-
Leah: -so that's why I don't know. Sorry.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah, and if I had to involve you, the gift-giver in this, I would do it very apologetically, like, "Oh, my goodness, I just noticed this was broken, and they won't deal with me unless I give them the date of purchase," or something.
Nick: Something you had to get from the gift-giver, and then you could then get the gift-giver to help you.
Leah: Right. That's why this seems a little odd.
Nick: It does feel a little odd. So, I think, at this point, I think we would want to just apologize for the damaged gift and offer to give some sort of assistance if possible.
Leah: Yeah. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Should I come over with glue?" [Laughing]
Nick: But it's seems like ... It seems like-
Leah: Because it doesn't seem like they're asking this person for anything.
Nick: Yeah. It's just they want to complain about it.
Nick: Yeah. I guess the question is: is there the expectation that if it cannot be fixed, if it's just broken, that you're supposed to now get them a new gift? Do you think the bride wants a replacement gift?
Leah: I don't know. I feel like the bride is not being direct.
Nick: Yes, the bride has to decide what she wants.
Nick: Yeah, she needs to pick a lane here.
Leah: So, I think that, until that point, our writer-in could just be like, "Huge apologies! Obviously, we had no idea! What a travesty!"
Nick: Leave it ... Just leave it there.
Leah: Then, see what the next thing is.
Nick: Okay. Yeah, I guess, apologize, but then offer to help. I think I want a little offer to help, even though it's been two months.
Nick: Then, I think the polite thing for the bride to do would be to not take you up on that.
Nick: Be like, "Oh, you know what? Don't worry about it ..."
Leah: No bigs.
Nick: Yeah, that would be the nice thing. Our next question is: "Is it rude to give Starbucks a fake name when I order?"
Leah: I think have fun.
Nick: I think, yeah, be whoever you want to be today.
Leah: Yeah, unless it's like a rude or malicious name, then, why not?
Nick: Yeah, if you're like Seymore Butts.
Leah: Yeah, or just something mean.
Nick: Yeah. I guess if you're not trying to do something that makes them embarrassed-
Leah: Or make them eyeroll so bad that their eyes get stuck in their head because they've heard it a thousand times. You know what I mean?
Nick: Yeah. But, if you want to be Princess Leia for your latte-
Leah: Do it!
Nick: Yeah, I think that's fine.
Nick: I was looking into this, and somebody was saying that they don't give a real name because of security and safety. A woman was saying that she was walking through Central Park with her latte, and a woman came up to her and was like, "Oh, my gosh, Lisa! It's me, Carol! How have you been?" Then, this woman was obviously like, "I don't remember this person, but I guess I'll play along." It turns out this was just a scam. They just saw the name on the cup.
Nick: So, for safety reasons, this woman never gives their real name anymore.
Leah: I can imagine people not wanting to give their real name just for that reason.
Nick: I guess, yeah. Also, if your name is more difficult, or foreign, or somebody just doesn't know how to spell it correctly, I guess it's fine just to give an alternate.
Leah: Yeah. I mean, my name is very easy. It's never once been spelled correctly on a Starbucks [crosstalk]
Nick: So, there you go! Our next question: "Our family is going on a vacation with three other families. We're renting a large vacation home in Wisconsin, and we plan to snow shoe, and supper club (it's a thing in the Midwest.) Two of the families need an extra bedroom for kids, while the others do not. It's been suggested that we just split the cost of the rental based on the number of bedrooms each family needs. We've traveled with other families in the past, and I've never done it this way. We've always just split the cost evenly per family. How should it be done?"
Leah: A) I'd love to supper club.
Nick: Yeah! I was googling this. They look very cool. It feels like kind of a roast, and cocktails, and cozy, and a lot of good, starchy sides.
Leah: Oh, say this ... I mean, honestly, I'm in.
Nick: Yeah, I'm into it. Yeah, I'm into it.
Leah: Then, B) I think if you could just divide the price by rooms and then, however many rooms you have, you pay - so it is per room.
Nick: Yeah, that does feel like the most fair thing.
Nick: If this were a hotel, we wouldn't do it any other way.
Leah: Because, arguably, you have to buy the space, or rent the Airbnb to get extra rooms for the extra people.
Leah: So, you're getting bigger than you would if everybody just had one room.
Nick: Right. Hypothetically, the cost is higher because we have a larger house. Right.
Leah: Yeah. So, I think you could pay by room, and then everybody feels fair.
Nick: Also, it has been suggested by someone else on this trip that, "This is how we're doing it," and it sounds like our letter-writer is one of the families that needs one of the extra rooms. So, because someone else has already thrown down the gauntlet and been like, "Oh, no, no, you're going to pay more for your extra kids," I feel like that decision has been made, and there's not really an opportunity to politely relitigate this question. It has been decided that this group of people wants to do it this way.
Nick: So, I think you have to just go along with that.
Leah: But I also think it's fair.
Nick: I think it's also fair, too, yeah. Yeah, so there's that. Our next question from Wisconsin to Alaska: "I'm going on a trip with my class to Alaska this summer. Even though there is a 'no fraternization' rule in place, on previous trips, it has always been broken, and the chaperones take no action. Usually, the people doing these things are the ones I'm stuck in close quarters with, like on an airplane, or in a van. They start getting very heavy on the PDA. How do I politely tell people that I'm not extremely close to, which are practically strangers, to please cut the PDA?" So, first of all, let's explain what PDA is to, maybe, people who don't know.
Leah: PDA is public displays of affection.
Nick: So, this is maybe kissing-
Leah: Some heavy petting?
Nick: Aggressive snuggling.
Leah: Aggressive snuggling!
Nick: Aggressive snuggling. Yep. So, uh ...
Leah: Probably kissing noises.
Nick: There may be some noise factor, yeah, yeah.
Nick: So, do you have advice for this person?
Leah: I was really looking forward to how you were going to answer this.
Nick: Okay ... So, I think the first thing we want to do - identify the potential perpetrators early in the trip. So, be like, "Okay, Lisa and Chad - they're getting close. They're going to be a problem. We're going to keep an eye on them." Then, you also want to establish very early that you get queasy on airplanes, and cars, and need to sit up front if possible. You do not need to explain that the queasiness comes from the PDAs; it does not come from the vehicle. Then, what you want to do is say, "Because of my queasiness, I need to sit up front," ahead of the people who are having the PDAs, so you cannot see them. You're not looking at them. They're behind you. So, I think this would be our ideal situation.
Leah: I knew you would have a plan!
Nick: But, if, for some reason, you are now stuck next to these people on the van, I think you can politely say, "Hey, guys, will you just knock it off till we get to Anchorage?" I think you could say that.
Nick: Or the classic line, "Hey, guys, get a room!"
Leah: Right. That's a solid- the solid line.
Nick: Get a room! Yeah, I think something like that is probably fine. If they don't sort of tone it down, well, then, I don't know. I guess you have to live with it.
Leah: Yeah. I don't think you can ... I mean, you could make some really wild, aggressive movements and break up their momentum.
Nick: Such as what? Can you demonstrate this?
Leah: Like a cough that kind of moves into an arm twitch-
Leah: -and sort of smacks them?
Nick: Sure. That's an idea.
Leah: Or you could make some weird, unattractive sort of [unidentifiable sound] noises-
Nick: Something guttural? Mm-hmm.
Leah: Yeah, so they're like, "Ooh ..." and it really ruins the mood.
Nick: Okay. We're gonna put this on the whiteboard. Sure, okay.
Leah: To sort of make it like a unattractive place for PDA.
Nick: Yeah. Although, I think that the back of a van on the highway - not an attractive place for PDA.
Leah: I mean, we've all been there-
Leah: So, that's why I feel like I can't judge this one [crosstalk and laughing]
Nick: Well, from Alaska to Finland, our next question is: "My friend invites me to her birthday party. Yet not everyone from my friend group is able to attend because of other obligations. So the question is, if the people attending the party buy a shared gift, should we ask the people who are not going to the party to join in with the expenses? Or is it their responsibility to say that they want to be part of the group gift and pay their share?" So, first of all, love that we have fans in Finland!
Nick: How wonderful!
Leah: I really have always wanted to go to Finland.
Nick: It's on my list. So, we'll invite ourselves ... That would be rude-
Leah: It is rude, but it-
Nick: We're not inviting ourselves to Finland.
Leah: We're leaving it open for an open invitation.
Nick: Sure. If you wanted to send us an invitation, we would be happy to accept it.
Leah: We'd love to do our first live show in Finland.
Nick: Oh, my goodness! Helsinki?
Nick: So, what do we say to our-
Leah: No pressure.
Nick: No pressure. What do we say to our Finn friend?
Leah: I think that if you want to invite your friends to participate in the gift, just send an email saying, "We're getting this gift. If you guys want to participate in it, this is how much it costs. This is how much it would be each."
Nick: Mm-hmm. I think you should let them know that a group gift is happening.
Nick: I think you don't keep that information from them. I don't think it's their responsibility to come up with this concept and ask you if it's happening, but I think, if they want to join, then that's great; if they don't, then that's also fine.
Nick: I don't think they get to sign the card if they're not joining. So, I don't think they have that option.
Leah: Oh, yeah. If they don't put in for it, they don't sign the card.
Nick: Right, right. I'm just covering that base because I feel like that's the follow-up, sometimes, to this issue.
Leah: The idea that somebody would think they could sign a card without putting in for it would blow my mind.
Nick: Oh, this happens. This happens.
Leah: I can't.
Nick: "Oh, let me just get in on that ..." Yeah. Yeah, so I think that's easy.
Nick: Yeah. So, our next question came to us through our voice mail.
Leah: This is so sweet.
Nick: So, here it is:
Shannon: Hello, Nick, and Leah. First off, this is Shannon from Portland, Oregon. I am obsessedwith your podcast, and now my nine-year-old son, Dino, is also obsessed. So, we just listened to the last podcast about tipping, and Dino has an etiquette question.
Dino: If you go to a fancy restaurant that's like $100, and after it, you give them a $1 tip, is that mean?
Shannon: So, I informed Dino that I thought it was very rude, and he said, "Isn't it better than nothing?" So, we would like you to weigh in. Thank you so much! Keep doing your show, please. I get such a huge kick out of it.
Nick: Well, Dino is clearly not being raised by wolves.
Leah: No. Shannon, we love you so much! And we love you, Dino!
Nick: Yeah! So, Dino, um-
Leah: I think, great question.
Nick: Great question, and I love that you are thinking about tipping culture already.
Leah: Yeah, and what's appropriate.
Leah: It's a great question to ask - why is something worse than nothing?
Leah: Because, logically you'd be like, "Oh, this all I had. This seems better than leaving ..."
Nick: Yeah, $1 is more than zero dollars.
Nick: Yeah, that is true.
Leah: But you just can't.
Nick: You can't, and I think you can't because when you're leaving $1, you've made a choice to leave $1.
Leah: Yeah, you're making ... It's now a comment on their service.
Nick: It's a statement. You are saying that, "The service you have provided me is only worth $1 to me, and not any more."
Nick: The standard for the service would be 20 percent. So, in the example that he's given, the $100 meal, the $20 tip is what we would expect.
Leah: I think outside of New York City, I think it may be 15 percent.
Nick: You think that the tip on a dinner experience outside of New York City is less than 20 percent.
Leah: I leave 20 percent wherever I go.
Leah: But I notice when I leave 20 percent in other places, people go out of their way to be like, "Thank you!"
Nick: Okay. I guess I'm so hardwired to 20 percent that it is sort of inconceivable to think of a different number, but I guess there are regional variations on this. Okay.
Leah: I do think that other places, it's 15 to 18.
Nick: Although I'm hardwired to be like, "Oh, a $19 martini? Oh, fine ..."
Leah: [Laughing] Yeah, as soon as we leave here, you're like-
Nick: What do we know?
Leah: -"Oh, my goodness!"
Nick: Yeah ... Sidebar: I have been out for drinks in other cities that are not New York City, and the whole thing came to $12; it was four drinks. I was like, "Oh, I think we missed something," "Oh, no, they are four ..." "Oh, okay." So, that's the answer, Dino.
Leah: We're just overpaying here so much [crosstalk]
Nick: We just overpay for everything.
Leah: -that we have to do 20 percent.
Nick: So, point being, $1 is not appropriate, for sure.
Leah: And thank you for asking!
Nick: And thank you for asking and may your etiquette journey be strong and robust. I don't know what ... May your-
Leah: Joyous and full of kindness!
Nick: Yes, may your etiquette journey be-
Leah: Joy-FULL and full of kindness!
Leah: And finding great ways to communicate with others.
Nick: Yes. Okay. I feel like we should-
Leah: [Laughing] I'm just pushing kindness on Nick, and it's a slow-
Nick: It's a process. We're going to get there.
Leah: I'm still thinking about the first question because I'm definitely not coming down on the bride's side. I think it's weird that she waited two months.
Nick: I think it's because you started out by wanting to excuse the bride's behavior by saying that weddings are inherently stressful.
Leah: No, I wasn't excusing her behavior. I was saying I noticed that everybody's giving us wedding questions, and it makes me so sad!
Nick: Okay. It just felt like you were setting the scene of weddings are a stressful time, and it felt like I was about to hear some-
Leah: Un-uh [negative], I was going to come down on the side of the writer.
Nick: Okay, no, you clearly did. I shouldn't have prejudged based on the initial words that you said, and for this, I'm sorry.
Leah: I just feel bad that there's so much anxiety around weddings.
Nick: Oh! I'm actually surprised that we have not been getting more questions about weddings, and it's not that we are not talking about them, and we're getting them, but I'm just not putting them on the air ...
Leah: Well, we have another one coming.
Nick: We do have another one coming. I'm just surprised that we're not getting more wedding questions, and are people not wanting to trust us with our wedding advice?
Leah: That may be it.
Nick: Is that what it is?
Nick: We have good wedding advice, people! Very good wedding advice! I am sad that you aren't going to get to hear it because you're not asking us questions!
Leah: [Laughing] No pressure. No pressure!
Leah: We could just do a wedding segment.
Nick: We might have to do a whole wedding-
Leah: We'll do a wedding segment, so please email us your wedding questions!
Nick: Okay, bring 'em in! Our next question is: "I'm saving up to get microblading done, which is a $600 procedure. I'm going to the same person who also does my waxes, and I always tip, but that comes out to an extra $5. So, my question is, is it rude not to tip for the $600 micro-blading? 15 percent would be an extra $90. What say you?"
Leah: Well, I asked my friend-
Leah: -who works at a fancy spa, and she said that on these larger-ticket items-
Leah: -one might say, because there's also the ... They do a lot of vampire facials.
Nick: What is that?!
Leah: Put your own blood back on your face.
Nick: Wait, hang on ... What? Okay, pause! There is a thing called a vampire facial.
Nick: In which we take my blood-
Nick: -and we put it on my face.
Nick: Um, where's the blood coming from?
Nick: Okay ... Like out of my arm?
Leah: No, I think that you're going to do the rollies with the little ding-ding-ding-ding-ding ...
Nick: Oh, so there's a roller has little needles, so it makes all of my skin-
Leah: Have holes in it.
Nick: -have holes in it on my face, and now I'm bleeding on my face.
Leah: Yeah, to stimulate collagen growth.
Nick: Okay ... So ...
Leah: I've also heard of one where they actually take blood out of your-
Nick: Arm ...
Leah: -arm, and then put that on top of that. I don't know if that's real.
Nick: Um, okay ... I just need a moment to ... [Laughter] Because now I'm picturing you with a bloody face.
Leah: Thank you!
Nick: It'd be like, "Oh, don't I look youthful?"
Leah: I'm in my 20s!
Nick: So, okay ...
Leah: Not that I'm not! [crosstalk]
Nick: Okay, so, for a procedure like a vampire facial-
Leah: Or like a laser-
Leah: My friend said you're tipping on the time, you're not tipping-
Leah: It's not like tipping on, like when you get your roots done, or a wax, where you're tipping 15 to 20 percent on the whole thing. You're tipping on the time.
Nick: Okay, so if this thing [crosstalk]
Leah: She was like, "Just throw a $20 in the envelope."
Nick: Okay. I like that. So, first of all, I didn't know what microblading was, so I have researched this. So, for anybody out there who does not know, I guess it's a semi-permanent tattooing that you do on your eyebrow.
Nick: So, if you feel like you have light eyebrows, or you don't have enough definition, or there's not enough shape, it's a temporary tattoo-y thing-
Nick: -or semi-permanent, whatever the difference is. So, I made some phone calls to microblading places around the country.
Nick: Because, I was like, "You know what?"
Leah: This is what we love about Nick. This is what we love about Nick!
Nick: Because my first thought was like, $90 does feel extreme.
Leah: It is extreme.
Nick: For this. So, I called a bunch of spas in New York, and all of them, to a tee, were like, "Yeah, it's customary to tip 15 to 20 percent."
Nick: I was like ... I'm thinking, "Oh, hmm ..." So, then I called a spa in Yuma, Arizona, because I thought, let's just go ... I'm in to Yuma. It just came to mind.
Nick: She was saying that, well, not everybody tips, but, if you do, then it's 10 percent. So, she also gave a percentage. Then I called a spa in Minneapolis, and they're like, "You don't have to tip at all. It's a medical procedure. We don't expect tips for things like that." So, similar answer that you gave. So, Botox, laser, this.
Leah: Yeah, that's a different category.
Nick: Yeah. I think the issue with microblading, specifically, is that it does not require any licensing, or certification in a lot of places. So, the same person that provides other more spa-type services is doing it rather than more like a doctor, phlebotomist, or some other person who needs actual training.
Leah: But you should be getting somebody who's done it.
Nick: I would think, if you're putting a needle of permanent ink on my face-
Nick: -I would want you to have some background, yeah.
Nick: So, what I think you should do is you should call the spa that you're going to, and talk to the manager, and ask what is typical.
Nick: Ask what is expected, and what is typical? I think if you don't get any guidance, I think the tipping on time thing is a great answer.
Leah: It seems fair because tipping 10 to 15 percent on a large thing like that-
Nick: Because, also, I don't think you just have this once; I think you have multiple procedures-
Leah: -or maybe you're going to have to go back. Yeah.
Nick: -or maybe touchups. Yeah, so I think that's good advice.
Leah: It would be so much easier for services that are larger, such as these, that it was just like no tipping. It's all included in the price.
Nick: Wouldn't it be nice if American society didn't have tipping at all, and everything that was always included?
Leah: Everybody just got paid enough.
Nick: Right. Everybody just got paid, and then we don't do tipping. That would be so wonderful.
Leah: Uh ...
Nick: Can we not just be Japan?
Leah: Or maybe we just start tipping standup comedians? [Laughing]
Nick: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay, pass around the hat.
Leah: No, no, no, no. I don't want to pass around a hat. That feels ...
Leah: What, are we buskers?
Nick: Okay. You want Venmo.
Leah: You wanna palm me a few hundies?
Leah: I'm kidding. It was one time, some guy tipped me ... I didn't even know how to handle it. I was like, "Take it back!"
Nick: If I am higher-
Leah: His wife was like, "Just take the money!" [Laughing]
Nick: Okay ...
Leah: I was like, "If you insist ..."
Nick: But if I'm hiring you to do a private event in my house, I guess, which is a thing that maybe happens.
Leah: Oh, I did a private event in a house and they had me standing in a doorway.
Leah: Just so you know some of the things that you show up to as a ... They were like ... There was too many people here to fit in one room, so we had them in two rooms. So, I think maybe you could stand in the doorway and just turn back and forth around.
Nick: Oh! It's theater in the round.
Leah: Yes. You show up, and you're just like, "Okay!"
Nick: Okay. Did they tip?
Leah: No. But the price was ... I didn't even think that one would tip.
Leah: But I have been in places where they've tipped.
Leah: I just assume no tip.
Nick: Well, when you're a medical professional, or a comic, there's no tipping expected.
Leah: Yeah, I'm just like a medical professional.
Nick: Basically the same.
Nick: Humor is the best medicine. Our next question is: "My question is about addressing a friend's inquiries about why they haven't been invited to my home for a while; a long while. This friend has two terrible habits. One is that each time she comes over, she sits in my chair, or in my spot on the sofa. There are no fewer than six other options for her to park herself; yet the place that I want is the one that she decides must be hers. Then the second thing is she continually stays way too late, and by 'too late,' I'm talkin midnight or later, without fail. No matter if I have to get up for work the next day; no matter that I'm usually in bed by 10:00 ... She is fully aware of these things, and she does it anyway. Am I being too uptight here, or is this a case of bad guest etiquette?" What do you say?
Leah: I love this question [Laughing] because I can't imagine having somebody ask me why they haven't been invited to my house.
Nick: I mean, if you have to ask ... Yeah.
Leah: I just had to replay that in my head multiple times. I'm like, is it because I live in New York, and nobody goes to anybody's houses?
Nick: I think it is always rude to invite yourself over.
Leah: Yeah, who does that?
Nick: Then, I think it's also rude to ask why you haven't been invited over.
Nick: Yeah. I think there's no way to slice that one. Yeah, it's rude.
Leah: It's a really weird question.
Nick: Right, and clearly, she's not been invited over because of the seating problem, and the lateness problem.
Nick: However, let's talk about the seating. I can't take our letter-writer's side on this one.
Leah: Oh, I don't have a problem with it.
Nick: What do you not have a problem with?
Leah: Well, I have family members that have seats, and I know it's their seat, and I would never sit in it.
Nick: Now, I am unclear - from the way this question was written - whether or not our guest knows the seat she's taken.
Leah: Yeah, she said she knows both these things.
Nick: Oh, okay, all right.
Leah: At the end.
Nick: Oh, at the ... Oh, she knows about the seat thing, and the lateness thing.
Leah: Yeah. She knows that she's showing up, sitting in her seat, sticking her finger in her timeline ... You know what I mean? This person is a pot-stirrer.
Leah: Whether or not you want to have a personal seat or not, that's your business. It's your house.
Nick: But I think when you are inviting people over to your house-
Leah: Yeah, but she's not inviting this person over.
Leah: This person is forcing themself into her home.
Nick: Right. So, she's barging in, taking their seat, staying too late.
Leah: You know, I feel like, in my attempts to work on being direct and friendly with people, you could say, "Ah, you know, if you would come over, and not sit in my favorite seat, and leave on time, come on!"
Nick: That's how we would do this?
Leah: You know what I mean? You could just say that, which is very direct.
Nick: That is direct. More direct, rather that weird response, would be like, once you're in my house,, "Oh, would you mind not sitting there?"
Leah: Oh, I feel like she said that already, though.
Nick: But it feels like it needs to be said again, then, right?
Leah: No, this woman's a rule-breaker.
Nick: She's going to do it.
Leah: She's going to sit in your seat, and then she's going to stay late.
Nick: So, then, what is the response to this woman, when they're like, "Why have I not been invited over?"
Leah: I would just do a thing where I laugh, like we're all having a joke, and then I would be like, "Look at the time!" Then, I would just go do something.
Leah: [Laughing heartily] Kidding. I would never do that, but I think it's a great option.
Nick: It's a great option. I mean, I think we do not say, like, "Oh, the reason you haven't been invited over is because you take my seat, and you stay too long." I don't think we can say that, even though that would be very direct-
Leah: You can say that. It's very direct, and it's true.
Nick: Yeah, but it seems like this is still a friend, so we're trying not to totally burn this bridge. We just don't want them-
Leah: I don't know if I feel like this person is really a friend.
Nick: You think true friends don't steal seats?
Leah: I think you could say ... If you want this person to come over, which I'm getting the vibe that she doesn't-
Nick: I'm getting a no on that, yeah.
Leah: But if she did want this person over, she could say, "Hey, if you want to come, here are some days that work, but I need to have this end early because I gotta get up early."
Nick: Right, and, "Don't mind the bear trap I placed on one of those chairs."
Leah: Yeah. Then, the other option, which is what I feel like is happening, is they don't want this person to come over.
Nick: Yeah. It feels like, "I don't want you coming over because you're just disrespectful ..."
Leah: Right, of how this person likes to keep their home-
Leah: -and their schedule.
Leah: So, then the question is, how do you-
Nick: Be friends with somebody like that?
Leah: Be friends with someone who just ... I think you're allowed to not want people in your space.
Nick: Yes. I don't love having people over. I like my space. I like having my space alone. I don't feel like I necessarily want other people in my space. Yeah ...
Leah: So, you could say, "I'd love to hang out outside of my house. I just don't wanna hang at my house because I have to go to bed so early ..."
Nick: "Yeah, I'm kind of a drag. I just sit in that one spot, and just go to bed by 10:00." Yeah.
Leah: Then just make it about finding a place where you guys can meet up.
Nick: Yes. I think if you want to maintain the friendship and just don't need to have it happen in your house, then just make an effort to make plans with this person in other venues.
Leah: Yeah, just flip it to, "Where could we go?"
Nick: Yeah, and I think that's fine. But I think, in general, it is okay to set boundaries, especially with people who stay too late.
Nick: Sometimes, people don't pick up the hints, or don't get the clues, and sometimes, you just have to tell them, like, "Oh, I'm so sorry about ... I didn't realize the time, but ..."
Leah: "I gotta get up early."
Nick: "... I gotta get up early, so, I'm sorry ..."
Leah: I do like Nick's idea of putting a bear trap in your favorite chair.
Nick: You know, bear trips are never not a good idea. [Laughing] Our next question is not actually a question, it's more like a PSA. So, the PSA is to turn your phone off at the theater, but it is to turn your phone completely off. Power down. Why this is a PSA is that I just had a very good friend go see Harry Potter here in New York.
Leah: [Whispering] I wanna see it so bad!
Nick: It's actually great. Keep the secrets, but it's great. Yeah. Fun stuff happens. It's really worth seeing. So, in Harry Potter, it was a day in New York City, where we had something called a snow squall. A snow squall-
Leah: We got it out in Atlantic City, as well.
Nick: Yeah. So, it is basically where a wall of cloud containing snow comes over where you are so rapidly that you have no warning. So, the emergency alert system went off for this snow squall, and the emergency alert system on your phone will penetrate vibrate mode. So, my friend was saying that in the theater of Harry Potter, the phones kept going off because everybody has slightly different signal, and it's thick walls, so not everyone is having signal at the exact same moment. So, for like two minutes, everybody's phones basically exploded-
Nick: -and disturbed, obviously, the performance. I think they did have to pause it because it was so extreme.
Leah: Oh, wow!
Nick: So, if you had your phone completely off, this wouldn't happen.
Nick: But if you just went for vibrate mode - and I know a lot of you think vibrate mode's enough ... It's not! Shut it all the way off, unless you need to ... You're a doctor, and you're on call, or something. Then, okay, we'll give you a pass.
Nick: But unless you have to have your phone on vibrate, please turn it off.
Leah: I always shut it off, even if it's just a movie.
Leah: I'm so afraid there's a random alarm in there I didn't remember setting, you know?
Nick: That is my worst fear - to be at a performance, and my phone goes off.
Leah: Oh, what a nightmare!
Nick: It is, yeah. So, just a PSA - turn it all the way off - because you never know when a snow squall is coming your way.
Nick: Okay. So, these were great questions.
Nick: So, thank you for sending them, and we would love it if you would send us more questions.
Leah: Please do so!
Nick: Send them to us through our website, wereyouraisedbywolves.com, or you can send us a voicemail, (267) CALL-RBW (267-225-5729). You can also send us a text message there, too.
Leah: We'll take your questions in any way-
Nick: And any language ... Maybe Finnish.
Nick: Actually, send us Finnish questions about Finnish weddings.
Leah: Yes, and then we'll go to Finland.
Nick: Perfect. So, we'll see you next time!
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