July 19, 2021

Commandeering Televisions, RSVPing to Facebook Events, Returning Shopping Carts, and More

Etiquette, manners, and beyond! In this bonus episode, Nick and Leah answer listener questions about commandeering televisions, RSVPing to Facebook events, returning shopping carts, and much more. Please follow us! (We'd send you a hand-written thank you note if we had your address.)

Etiquette, manners, and beyond! In this bonus episode, Nick and Leah answer listener questions about commandeering televisions, RSVPing to Facebook events, returning shopping carts, and much more. Please follow us! (We'd send you a hand-written thank you note if we had your address.)


  • What should I do about guests who were rude and disrespectful to me in my home?
  • How do I handle a neighbor who drops by unannounced and invites herself to events?
  • Is it rude to change your Facebook Event RSVP the day of the event?
  • Should I send a thank you note to my host after being their house guest?
  • What's the correct procedure for needing to spit something out and you only have a cloth napkin?
  • Vent: Returning shopping carts






Hosts: Nick Leighton & Leah Bonnema

Producer & Editor: Nick Leighton

Theme Music: Rob Paravonian

Episode 97

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Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And I'm Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: That we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question ...

Leah: Can I just, before you read it?

Nick: Oh, you may. Oh, you may.

Leah: Suggest to our listeners ...

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: That they sit down.

Nick: Or if you're driving, pull over.

Leah: Pull over to the side. Because you're about to be full of, "What?" And you may need to be somewhere where you can fan yourself or get a cooling beverage. [laughs]

Nick: So without further ado, quote, "Recently, my partner and I went out to a very nice dinner with another couple that I would call close-ish. It was a very nice restaurant, and we paid for dinner. And afterwards, the four of us went back to our apartment to enjoy some nice pinot noir and a beautiful sunset. I put on some nice music, and suddenly one of our guests turned off my music and commandeered the TV to play YouTube videos. I thought this was rude, but this is not what really bothered me. I recently had an injury and was unable to exercise for many months, so I'd gained a bit of weight and was not happy about it and quite embarrassed by it. So what really troubled me was that the person who commandeered my TV started playing dad bod videos and was laughing hysterically.

Nick: "Did he not know how uncomfortable that made me? I politely requested that he turn off the TV and that we put the music back on. He said no. Wasn't it my apartment and TV? Is this okay for a guest to do? Some background: the other couple is much younger. They're in their 20s, and we're in our 40s. Do I chalk this up to age? Should I have said something? I was always told that it's impolite to tell someone that they're impolite. I was furious, and asked my partner not to invite them back again. What would have been the best way to handle this?"

Leah: Are you kidding me?

Nick: I mean, we have had some outrageous questions. We have. This is definitely top 10.

Leah: Top 10! The point of no return that I circled so many times—I can't even read all my writing that I wrote around it in a circle.

Nick: Yeah. I used a couple of different colors of ink.

Leah: The sentence, "He said no."

Nick: Yeah. That's where we went from, like, maybe it's an innocent mistake to, oh, this is not a third-degree crime, this is first-degree, premeditated.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I am the emoji with the top of my head exploding.

Nick: I actually priced out flights and hotels to where these people live, and we're gonna go. The hotel I selected? They actually have a great waffle option at breakfast. So look forward to that, Leah. We are going, and we are going to do this in person.

Leah: I can't—I can't even. This is the moment this phrase is written for, "I can't even."

Nick: So let's start from the top. And the easy thing here ...

Leah: Okay.

Nick: You do not touch people's radios. And this is true in people's cars. Like, if you're not the driver, like, you don't touch the radio without permission. This is also true in people's houses. If you're a guest in someone's home, you don't change the music.

Leah: You don't change the music, you don't change the television, you don't change the radiator.

Nick: You don't change the lights. Yeah, you don't touch people's AV.

Leah: You don't really touch people's anything.

Nick: Also that. Right? Also that. So I think we just want to clarify that was rude. Commandeering the music, switching on the TV, this was not appropriate. Okay. Now the second thing: playing videos. Okay, all right. Refusing to turn it off when the host asked you to do it?

Leah: I think I actually blacked out for a second when I read that. Like, I passed out, and then I came back to, and I thought, "In what world?"

Nick: But what makes me sad is that our letter writer is like, "Was this rude? Was that okay or not?" It was like, of course that's not okay.

Leah: It's definitely not okay.

Nick: Like, why is there doubt?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: I want you, letter writer, to know totally not okay. Full stop.

Leah: And I think that I brought this up before, but I'm gonna bring it back in here. That sticky tape that I have next to my computer that is something that I took away from a therapy session, which, again, maybe it was said and maybe it's just how I heard something. But it's often people such as myself, which I recognize it in a note like this, we start to feel like, "Oh, was it me?" Maybe we feel a little guilty.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: When really, we're angry.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: What was done here is ridiculous.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: And you are not at fault. And no, of course you're not overreacting.

Nick: No.

Leah: And it's this person. You underreacted!

Nick: And do we chalk this up to age?

Leah: No.

Nick: I mean, unless you're under the age of five, and you don't yet have a well-developed sense of morality, no.

Leah: I don't even think a five year old will get away with this because a parent would immediately be like, "Oh, we don't do this."

Nick: Yeah, we don't do that. Uh-uh.

Leah: I also want to take back what I just said. I don't want to say you underreacted, because how could a person handle this situation? You'd be so blown away, you'd have to sit around and, like, think about it later. I didn't mean you underreacted. I just meant that you are divine and wonderful, and your guest is honestly over the top. To tell somebody that they can't change something in their own house?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Because they—you've been hijacked. You were hijacked.

Nick: Yeah. So what do we do from here? I can't imagine we'd want these people in our home again. So I think it's very reasonable that this was our last invitation.

Leah: Absolutely.

Nick: Without question, yeah. So I think that's—I think we just leave it there. Yeah. I don't think we invite these people over again.

Leah: These are the kind of people if they ask us to go out again?

Nick: "I'm busy. Yeah. Thank you so much, though."

Leah: "I'm busy," and if they keep asking, yeah, I think these are the kind of people you'd be like, "I felt it was very rude when you ..."

Nick: Oh, you would call it out why you're declining?

Leah: I mean, if they ask. Like, if I have to decline multiple times. This is so—I find this egregious. It's like touching something without permission, and then you specifically say, "Let's not." And then they say, "Oh, no. I'm doing it." That's, like, really inappropriate.

Nick: It's a violation. Yeah.

Leah: It's a violation.

Nick: And I think it should be noted why it's rude. Like, why the episode of declining to stop a behavior when someone tells you this makes me uncomfortable, why that's rude is that that fundamentally says, "I don't care about your feelings." And when you make that very explicit, that's rude, because etiquette is about being mindful of other people's feelings. And so you have gone out of your way to be like, "I don't care about your feelings." And that is why this is such an etiquette crime.

Leah: And I think the word you used is perfect. It's a violation.

Nick: It's a violation, yeah.

Leah: It's gone just past being, like, slightly rude. They already touched something that—it's not their home. They changed something you were doing, which was already rude. And then you specifically address it and they say, "No." It's a violation.

Nick: And it's a violation because they're not apologetic about it, and they didn't apologize and they're not sorry.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: I think that's what it is for me: they're not sorry.

Leah: They doubled down.

Nick: Yeah, it's that doubling down, yeah. And by all accounts, you seem like a lovely host. You paid for a nice dinner, you invited me back to your place to enjoy a nice sunset on your patio. There was a nice bottle of wine. I'm sure your music selection is on point. So I think these people are missing out by being cut from your guest list permanently.

Leah: They are missing out. You're lovely.

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "Please, please help me. I am plagued by a neighbor that has a predilection for dropping in uninvited and unannounced to my home, as well as other people's homes. Although I've kept her on the front doorstep, declining her visits as I'm in the middle of a project, she continues to repeat the pattern. I am not the only neighbor to whom she appears unannounced and uninvited. She also has the terrible habit of inviting herself to future private events, and will also verbally invite herself to a private day trip which is info that has not been made public in front of other neighbors that have also not been invited. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I want her to stop. Thoughts?"

Leah: I don't know what to say. All of the questions in this grouping, you know, when you're just like, I'm already worked up from the last question.

Nick: Yeah, I'm at a nine right now. Yeah.

Leah: So I immediately am like, "Wwe have to tell her!"

Nick: Yes.

Leah: "That she can't do this anymore."

Nick: Set some boundaries. Polite, yet direct conversation with this person.

Leah: And I get why it's hard. I get absolutely why it's hard. I mean, I often have to lay down on the floor, do some deep breathing. I usually, like, treat myself to a little toast and peanut butter, which just calms me down. And then I'll be like, okay, we have to send an email. We have to tell somebody. I get why it's very hard, but this person? She's got to stop.

Nick: Yes. She definitely has to stop. And I think it is possible, as we've discussed, you can set boundaries and be polite at the same time.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And so we just have to do that. "Oh, sorry, Lisa. Now's not a great time." And this type of person—I have a neighbor like this. This type of person does not take hints. They will not take the hint. So you just have to keep setting the boundary. "Oh, sorry, Lisa. Now's not a good time." And you just will have to repeat this every time. There will not be an occasion when you will not have to do this. So just know that that's what it is. You just have to set the boundary every time. "Now's not a good time." Just say it over and over.

Leah: I also think—like, I work from home, which I think many of us do. I mean, obviously not when I'm doing standup, but other things. And if people come over, it throws me off what I'm doing.

Nick: Oh, absolutely. Oh, I hate the pop-in. No, one of the best things about living in New York City? The pop-in is societally not acceptable. So you're not allowed to do it in New York City.

Leah: So I think that you can—if she stops by, you can actually say, "Hey." I don't know if you work from home or, you know, whatever it is and be like, "So in the future, can you just text me before you come by?"

Nick: Oh, yes. You could do that. I have the feeling this person won't do that in the future, but you can definitely say it.

Leah: I think you can say it, because it is—you have to stop your day and go to the door and have this—let them know that it throws you off whatever you're doing in your home. And if they could just text in advance and ask if you're free, that would be helpful. Thank you so much.

Nick: Yeah. No, that's good. My idea is I think we need one of those new doorbell cameras, and if she rings the door, you play possum and you don't answer it. And you get very quiet, and you pretend you don't hear it, and you hope she goes away.

Leah: [laughs] I honestly got nervous just thinking about that idea, because they know your home.

Nick: I do that. I have a neighbor who definitely knocks on my door for reasons that are not important, and I don't answer. I just pretend I'm not home. I get very quiet, I don't make a move, and she goes away and then everything is fine.

Leah: But the thing is, is that when people live in houses, they see your car out front.

Nick: Yeah. But you could be on the phone, you could be in a bubble bath, you might be in the basement whittling. Like, you might not be upstairs hearing the doorbell.

Leah: And that's why I think you can say, "Hey, often when you—I'm sometimes in the basement whittling, and I'm working on a project, so if you could just check in with me in advance."

Nick: Yeah. "Just text before you pop over." Yeah, I think that would be a good option. Now what do we do about this person inviting herself to things that she's not invited to?

Leah: Obviously, this person has no sense of awareness. And I think you have to not talk about things that you don't want them to invite themselves to around them, because they clearly can't control themselves.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I think we just don't share information in front of her. Yeah, that's the solution.

Leah: I also don't often talk about things that people are invited to around them.

Nick: You should not do that. Also just generally speaking, you should not talk about events for which people are not invited around you. Yes, that's true. This actually comes up a lot for, like, weddings. Like, if you are not inviting everybody in your office to your wedding, like, keep the wedding chat at the office to a minimum.

Leah: Yeah, that seems ...

Nick: Seems obvious, but the number of questions we get from people on this topic, there's quite a few.

Leah: Oh, but she's also talking about—and I think you could say to her, because the question is, what do I do when she's talking about it in front of other neighbors who haven't been invited? I think you can say to her, "Hey, I didn't invite that person, so let's not talk about it around them."

Nick: Oh, this person can't handle that level of instruction, no.

Leah: I know, but I do think that you can say it, and then it's been said. And then if they do it again, then you can stop inviting them and be like, "Well, because I asked you to do this, you didn't do it. It made me feel bad."

Nick: Okay, yes. I think you could give them an opportunity, and then if they blow it, that gives you a valid reason to never invite them to anything in the future.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Because you've expressed how you felt, and they disregarded it.

Nick: Okay, I think that's fair. Fine.

Leah: Because when we express how we feel, we give people the opportunity, in case they somehow completely had no idea, to fix it.

Nick: Right. And then when you are given the opportunity to fix it and then you don't, well then, here we are.

Leah: Yep, here we are.

Nick: I think the only other option is to move. So ...

Leah: [laughs] And beyond moving, here we are. You've told her, you've warned her, now you can leave her on your doorstep.

Nick: Done. So our next question is, quote, "If you click 'Going' to a 30th birthday party on Facebook, is it rude to then message the birthday person on their birthday—which is the same day as the party—saying you can't come, especially if the reason you give is that you're broke, as if you didn't know you were broke right up until that day? And with no regard for how the birthday person might feel if they get several people pulling out on the day?"

Leah: Just up top ...

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: I don't even know if this is related, but I just—I don't know where to necessarily—I don't—do we—I guess this is a question.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Do we consider a Facebook invite to be an accurate portrayal of anybody who's coming to anything?

Nick: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, before we even get there, just to clarify, it sounds like our letter writer had a birthday, and someone said they were coming on Facebook, and then messaged them on Facebook that day and said, "Oh, I'm broke. I can't come." Just to clarify, I believe that is what is happening here.

Leah: Oh, okay. So you're reading it from the birthday party's point of view.

Nick: Absolutely. The aggrieved party here is the birthday person.

Leah: I guess I'm so familiar with people saying they're going to something on Facebook, and then them not even remembering that they agreed to it, that I just don't even trust that platform for invites.

Nick: Yes. I think a very valid question is: is a Facebook event a real event and a real invitation? Does the RSVP on Facebook carry the same weight as RSVPs elsewhere? Philosophically, I think this is a very valid question.

Leah: And maybe it should, but I just don't think of it that way.

Nick: I think it should. I think an RSVP is an RSVP. I think if you say you're gonna do something, no matter what platform you use to do that, you have committed to something. So I think commitments are important. So if you commit to something on Facebook, that's it. Now Facebook makes it very easy to change your commitment, and so Facebook allows ambiguity in a way that I think is unhealthy for events.

Leah: Which is why I think I don't trust it. It's been so—so many times I've been burned by the "maybe" and the "yes," and people don't come. That this is not to our letter writer who, if it is their birthday, it's just that I've had this happen so many times that I no longer trust Facebook as an invite.

Nick: But yes, in general, though, canceling at the last minute when you have RSVPed is rude. So just baseline, that is technically rude regardless of where it happens.

Leah: Unless it's an emergency situation.

Nick: Unless it's an emergency. Things happen, that's fine. But yes, in general, when we RSVP, that is what that is. So I think the question I have here, though, is who is hosting this event? Because typically, a host is the host, and they provide the refreshments for all the guests. So if my guest is broke, that shouldn't actually really matter, maybe, because I am providing the refreshments for this party. So what it sounds like is that this is a birthday party, that all these people are getting together to take me out for dinner on my birthday, and everyone has to pay for themselves plus me. That's what this sounds like.

Leah: That's why I don't think it's the person whose party it is who wrote this, because they said as if they didn't know—oh, never mind.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I just completely—I read that is as if I didn't know. But it says, "As if they—as if you didn't know— as if!" Okay, I see how you read it. As if.

Nick: Yeah. No, no, this is the birthday party, and they're mad that their friend bailed at the last minute. Plus other people did, too, it sounds like. And I think the problem here is that our birthday person has created an event that they are not actually hosting. They want all the benefits of being a host without any of the responsibilities. And so that ambiguity is very easy on Facebook. It's very easy to create this, like, nebulous event and be like, "Who's hosting? I don't know." And so if a guest is expected to pay their own way, then yeah, if you're broke, I could see how that's a problem. But the problem is our host is not really the host.

Leah: I mean, there's so many levels to read it now. I think, you know, people who want to go to a birthday party and then maybe on the day of they realize, oh, we're going to this fancy restaurant, I didn't realize that. I can't swing that.

Nick: Yes. Yes, and that would be fine if our host was paying for the fancy restaurant, and they invited you to join, that would be fine. But that is not what's happening. Our host has decided I'm gonna organize it, but I'm not gonna pay for it. So that's a problem.

Leah: Oh, so many layers. And I do think that, you know, if you have to cancel because you realize all of a sudden, "Oh, I'm supposed to be paying for that?" Try to cancel not on day of.

Nick: Yes, or don't RSVP in the first place.

Leah: Well, I think that's what happens with Facebook, which is why I don't trust it. People see an event, they think, "Oh, I like that person," and then you just, you know, instinctually respond and you don't even really ...

Nick: You just be like, "Going!"

Leah: Yeah. You don't even process, you don't write in your calendar, it's just sort of there. Which is why I think it's ...

Nick: That's fair.

Leah: You know what I mean?

Nick: Yes.

Leah: And then you don't even think about it until it comes back up and you're like, oh, my goodness, oh, I can't do that.

Nick: Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I think that is how we arrived here, yeah. So what could we have done differently? I think as our birthday person, I think we would have created an event that I host, so I select the location and I pay for it, and I reach out individually to people and invite them. And we don't use Facebook. I think that would probably be the ideal situation here.

Leah: Yeah, and if you don't have people's emails because you're on Facebook, I think you'd reach out then through Facebook and say, "Hey, I'm doing a party. Would love your email."

Nick: There's that. Or even through Facebook Messenger. I'll allow you to send a message there. Like, "Hey, I'm having a party. Would love if you can come. Let me know." Like, I'll take that.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: But I think to use the Facebook system to handle your RSVPs and guest list, I think this is problematic.

Leah: Yep.

Nick: But just as a reminder, when you host something, you're the host. You pay for it. So just keep that in mind.

Leah: And if it is the other way around ...

Nick: It's not.

Leah: Even though now that Nick has pointed it out.

Nick: It's definitely not. Mm-mm.

Leah: Try to cancel before the day of.

Nick: Yes. As much notice as possible, correct. Because I do see that it is sad for a 30th birthday party for somebody to bail day of. Like, that doesn't make me feel good.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: As a birthday person. So I get that that's disappointing. And yes, you knew you were broke before today. You did. So you could have let me know earlier.

Leah: Yeah, unless it was like, there was a huge stock crash and all of a sudden you're like, "I'm broke today!"

Nick: Right. "The price of Bitcoin is down. Can't come to dinner."

Leah: But I do see why all of a sudden it's your 30th birthday and it would make you feel sad.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: That's why we optimize for the 40th birthday, and we send out ...

Nick: Hand-engraved invitations.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "On invitation, I am traveling to visit a friend in another state for three days. I've put together what I think is a delightful gift to give her upon my arrival. But I was wondering whether I should also plan on mailing a thank-you note after my visit. It's probably not possible to be overly grateful to someone inviting you into their home, but I wanted to get the definitive answer from you." So Leah, you've listened to the show for a while, you're a regular listener. You want to take this one? [laughs]

Leah: [laughs] I underlined "definitive."

Nick: Uh-huh.

Leah: Because I think the definitive answer from Nick will always be, "Send a thank-you note."

Nick: Yeah. I think there are rare occasions when that's not the right move. I would have to really think about, like, oh, when is it actually, like, a bad idea? But yeah, I think generally speaking, yeah, send them the note. But what's the definitive answer from Leah on this?

Leah: You know, I'm more—I have more gray areas.

Nick: What's gray here?

Leah: Not in here, but for across-the-board thank-you notes, I have much more things that I will accept that I'm totally comfortable with.

Nick: Oh, yeah. No, that's true. But in this instance ...

Leah: I love how you say it. You're like, "That's true."

Nick: Yeah. No, I agree with you there. Not gonna argue. Yeah, but for this, yes, it is very nice to send a thank-you note post-visit. It's appreciated, and it'll get you invited back.

Leah: Maybe. Unless you show up in people's houses, unless you went there and you started playing YouTube videos.

Nick: Yes. No, there could be things that took place.

Leah: Call back to the first question where obviously not that I think this person's doing it. I just got heated all over.

Nick: No, definitely not.

Leah: This person is lovely.

Nick: But as a reminder, these handwritten notes that we can send people, they're not just for thank-yous, they're also for apologies. So you could use these for many different reasons.

Leah: Not that that person in the first question is ...

Nick: Oh, definitely not getting a handwritten apology note from those people.

Leah: Ugh!

Nick: Absolutely not.

Leah: So upsetting.

Nick: But for this house guest? Send a note afterwards. Definitive answer from Nick.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "What is the correct procedure when one has something one needs to spit out and there is only a cloth napkin?"

Leah: I don't know why this question makes me smile so much.

Nick: [laughs] I mean, there are so many variables in this equation.

Leah: So many variables.

Nick: Like, how are we going to solve for X when we don't know what A, B and C is?

Leah: Yeah, that's exactly it. I was like, is there a bathroom that you could get to?

Nick: Well, first of all, what is it? What do we need to spit out?

Leah: It could be a bone.

Nick: Yeah, is it a fish bone? Is it an olive pit? Is it a gum? Like, what is it?

Leah: Is it something that you tasted and you're like, "Absolutely not. If this goes down, it's coming right back up." Is it one of those?

Nick: So the question is, how much of an emergency is this situation? Because ideally, excuse yourself from the table, and take care of it in the bathroom or, like, elsewhere. That would be ideal. But if we can't—and let's say it's gum. Let's say it's gum.

Leah: But I mean, if you have gum, you can excuse yourself. Just keep it in your mouth until you get to the washroom.

Nick: Right. So that would be good. If you're at the table, ideal. If there's not an emergency situation, then we would ask for a paper napkin then. Like, ask your host or ask a waiter, like, "Oh, you have a cocktail napkin?" And that's good for gum, or that's, like, good for other things. And I guess if we can't do that and it's an emergency situation, then the general rule is, like, the way things go in is the same way things come out of your mouth. So if it's like a finger food like an olive, then you'll use your fingers to remove a pit from your mouth. Or if it's, like, something you were eating with a fork, then ideally you would sort of like, use your fork to remove the item from your mouth and, like, put it on your plate. Or a spoon or whatever tool it is. But the general rule is, like, the same tool we use to put something in your mouth is the same tool you use to remove it.

Leah: But I mean, there are times when, like, you can't chew. It's like a certain part of a meat, you know what I mean?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And you've got to get it out and you can't take it out like that.

Nick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if you're eating the meat with a fork, then you would actually put the gristle, like, with your mouth and the tongue. You'd like, kind of put it back on the fork, and then you would lower the fork to your plate and then sort of like scoop it off your fork to the side of your plate. Like, that's how you would handle gristle.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: So I guess it really depends on what it is. But I think the general rule: the way things go in, the same way they come out. I think that's a good one to remember.

Leah: You never see a circumstance in which a person sort of like gently puts their napkin over their face and kind of grabs it and then puts it down next to their plate.

Nick: Um ...

Leah: Because I think there are certain situations where the thing might feel a little mortifying, and it's you just have to. It's an emergency, and that's just how it's happening. Just be delicate about it. Just be delicate about it.

Nick: Yes. I mean, I think the general etiquette principle is that we don't want to make other people at the table feel uncomfortable by what you're doing. So I think if you feel like the most elegant thing is to, like, cover your mouth with your napkin as you handle this, I think that would be fine. I don't think we want to spit into the napkin, though. I think we want to avoid that. Like, if we can avoid soiling the napkin with gristle saliva, then I think that would be ideal for me.

Leah: I think if we can avoid it, avoid it.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But sometimes you just can't avoid it.

Nick: Some things cannot be helped, in which case, you know, the idea is to not die and require the Heimlich at the table. Like, that's more embarrassing. So, like, if you need to take care of it, then take care of it.

Leah: Yeah, and just do it very nonchalant.

Nick: But yes, I think you want to not call attention to it and try and be as slick as possible, and I think that's just as good as it can be.

Leah: Yep.

Nick: Is there a specific example from your life, Leah, in which you spat into a napkin something?

Leah: I wouldn't say I spit. I think that I remember—I do remember when there was something that was ...

Nick: Just allowed something to sort of fall out of your mouth? [laughs]

Leah: I would, yeah. And I always wait until somebody is having, like, a—like, somebody's making a joke or something's happening over there, you know what I mean? And then you just sort of—not spitting, it's just sort of like a pull, you know, like a—and then it's a—because there are circumstances where it's like this is gonna be a situation if I don't deal with it.

Nick: Okay. I mean, I guess one idea is you could take your roll and throw it across the room to make a commotion, and then everyone turns and looks, and then you take care of it.

Leah: Well, what I did is I yelled, "Is that person wearing pants?" And everybody turned, and then I just let it drop out of my mouth onto the floor.

Nick: Oh, that's perfect. Yes, that's what I would do. Okay.

Leah: "Is there a dog somewhere that can eat this?" That's what I did.

Nick: Okay, yeah. That is one approach.

Leah: I just think that our letter writer is obviously very aware.

Nick: Oh, absolutely.

Leah: And it's like a situation, you know what I mean? And I think that we can agree that sometimes there are situations.

Nick: Yes. I will definitely allow for that, yes. Generally speaking, just do your best. And you know what? Your best has to be good enough, and I think that's okay.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: So ...

Leah: And never spit gum into a ...

Nick: Yes. As a reminder, never spit gum into a cloth napkin. Like, don't do it. So rude, it's so rude.

Leah: Just go to the washroom.

Nick: So ideally, you would not have gum in your face when you sit down. Like, before dinner ...

Leah: But I get it happens.

Nick: Oh, Leah.

Leah: Sometimes you just get so wrapped up, you're thinking about all the things that happen, you're like, "Oh, I want this and I want this," and then you're like, "Oh, I have gum!" And then you just, "Oh, excuse me." Boom boom.

Nick: Okay. But ideally, think about it before you sit down for dinner.

Leah: I will allow that you were thinking about so many other things.

Nick: My mind is very focused.

Leah: That you got swept away.

Nick: So our last thing is a vent, or maybe a repent. Mostly a vent. Quote, "I was in a shopping center parking lot, and had just unloaded some things into my car from a shopping cart. I considered taking the cart back into the store, but I was unusually tired. And so I left it up against a pole in the parking lot. Before I had a chance to get into my car and go home, an older man said to me in a scolding tone, 'That car is blocking that parking space!' He was trying to shame me into taking the cart back into the store. On one hand, I felt guilty for not taking the cart back into the store, despite how tired I felt. On the other hand, I resented being scolded by a stranger, and my pride would not allow me to rectify my faux pas. There was plenty of empty parking spaces in the lot, so I wasn't really inconveniencing any other customers. It occurred to me later that since he and his wife were about to go into the store, he could have just been a gentleman and returned the cart for me. Anyway, next time I'm just going to return the darn cart to the store."

Leah: You know, I love supporting people in their vents. I want to be here to support in the vents.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: And I do think it's not appropriate for other people to comment on your behavior.

Nick: Yes, that's not great.

Leah: That's really annoying. That being said, I always return my cart.

Nick: Yeah, it is courteous.

Leah: Because somebody else is gonna have to come get it. And often we return carts, not because they're taking up the parking space, but they can roll into people's cars.

Nick: Yes. I have definitely seen a lot of cars hit by stray shopping carts. And you're like, "No!"

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah. And damaging other people's cars? Yeah, that's rude.

Leah: And I do get that sometimes you're so tired and you're like, "I just can't do another thing."

Nick: Yes. I get that feeling where, like, "Oh, this is good enough." Sure.

Leah: And you've had, like, a bad day, and then all of a sudden there's this random person admonishing you, and it's enough to make you just want to be like, "Aaah!" I totally get that. It's very annoying.

Nick: Right. And also not wanting to give the satisfaction to the person who's now shaming you because like, oh, now, I have to like, sulk over and, like, get the cart and, like, push it back to the store while you're, like, looking at me doing it. Like, I get that that's uncomfortable.

Leah: I totally get that.

Nick: However ...

Leah: However ...

Nick: Just return your carts.

Leah: We always return our carts.

Nick: Yes, please.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So do you have anything you want to share with us? A vent? A repent? Or maybe a question? We would love to hear it, because you have them. So send them to us. You can send them to us through our website, Wereyouraisedbywolves.com, or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message, (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!